Thursday, August 21, 2014

Daddy, My Pillow Smells


This post is several years old but in honor of the author's birthday, I am re-posting it today. 
God bless you, sir. You are a fine American.

This post was actually not written for us. It was written up as Facebook note by a friend of mine. Since he and his wife are my very close buddies, I asked them and THEN I TOTALLY PINCHED IT. 

OK. I asked first. You see, my friend Beatrice told me the story of what happened and I nearly peed myself. So then I asked if I could write it up for MommyLand and they were all "It's already written!" And when I read the story on her Facebook page, it was even funnier than when his wife told it to me.

If you're drinking anything, put it down.  Otherwise, you may spray your computer. 

Enjoy! xo, Lydia



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The Scene: 9:15pm. A dark and cool house in suburbia. Two children,  J (age 8) and K (age 4) are "asleep" upstairs. All the lights are out in the house and Dad is desperate to have a beer and watch Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Mom is at a Board Meeting.

Dad is reclined on the couch, when he hears the gentle creek of the stairs. J is creeping downstairs. Dad gets up and meets her in the darkened foyer.

Dad: What's up, sweetheart?

J: I can't sleep. My pillow smells like vagina.

Dad: (*blink*)

The house is dead silent as the two stare at one another for a seeming eternity that lasts all of 5 seconds.

Dad: Excuse me?

J: My pillow smells like K's vagina.

Dad: (*blink*)

J: (breathlessly) K took off her clothes and touched herself and didn't wash her hands and then touched my pillow and now I can't sleep because my pillow smells like vagina.

Dad: (meekly) Go to bed.

J: (exasperated) Daaaad! I can't. It stinks.

Dad: Let's go to your room.

The two march upstairs, J leading the way while Dad follows behind, wondering just how the hell he found himself in this situation, and how was he going to resolve it.

They enter the bedroom, where J ups the ante. She removes the pillow from the bed and thrusts it at Dad.

J: Smell it.

Dad: (scared shitless and flustered) I don't think that's necessary, just go to bed (he's pleading now).

J: (yelling) I CAN'T SLEEP WITH MY PILLOW SMELLING LIKE VAGINA!

A high pitched, shrieking voice comes out of the darkness. K has awoken.

K: (screaming defensively) I DON'T HAVE A SMELLY VAGINA!

Both girls begin shouting over one another

J: Wash your hands!

K: I DID.

J: Did not. Don't touch my pillow!

K: I didn't touch myself.

J: You're not allowed on my bed. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD WIPER.

As the situation devolves, Dad lifts the offending pillow to his face, and proceeds to do something heretofore unimaginable. He sniffs.

Dad: (thankfully) Smells like Downy.

J: It does not

K: Apologize!

J grabs the pillow and methodically sniffs all four corners of the pillow, like a drug sniffing dog.

J: It smelled a minute ago.

From the darkness:

K: SAY YOU'RE SORRY!

Dad: Both of you go to bed right now, and I am telling your mother.

Both girls go to bed, and Dad slinks back down to the couch, thoroughly shaken and perhaps permanently scarred.  The end.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

59 comments:

  1. OMG - I'm in hysterics. I.....I'm speechless

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  2. TEARS IN MY EYES from laughing so hard. oh my gosh. this is THE FUNNIEST thing i've read in a long time.

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  3. Seriously, a fantastic way to start my morning.

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  4. This is a perfect example of never knowing what is going to be thrown at you when you wear the badge "mom" or "dad." Never a dull moment!

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  5. OMG my daughters are 5 years apart and I am already pitying my husband and his house full of girls.

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  6. I'm SO glad you warned everyone to put the drinks down before reading this! And, what is it with kids and smelling nether regions?

    Last night my mom watched the princess (she's 6) while I went to Parent Teacher night. I go to pick up the princess afterward and she's standing in the kitchen with the PDR (physician's desk reference) open. She points and says "Look mommy! A weenie!" (She had found a drawing of a man) I very calmly said "Yup. Every boy you know has one" BUt is the subject over? Hardly.

    My mom goes to close the book. The princess grabs it. "Do NOT shut the book grandma. Here, smell it."

    My mom and I stare at each other, bug eyed. I try to make light of the subject. I say "Yeah, whatever. It's a book. It smells like a book."

    The Princess: OK then. Grandma, smell it!

    My mom picks up the book and "smells" the inside front cover. (Not the page the princess had it opened to)

    My mom just shrugs.

    The princess DIES laughing and spends the next 5 minutes going "Grandma smelled a weenie! Grandma smelled a weenie!"

    Of course, all I can think is, "How the hell am I going to explain this to Children's protective services when the princess starts this chant at aftercare?" Ugh.

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  7. OMG - this made me suddenly VERY thankful for all boys. We've had similar "confrontations" but over farts! LOL Some how that seems much better right now...

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  8. I am laughing so hard I am crying. That poor, poor man!

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  9. Your posts never fail to make me laugh but sometimes the comments are just as funny. Love you all!

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  10. Oh that is excellent! It definitely would not be as funny if it wasn't Dad. Awesome!

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  11. CRYING, Absolutely CRYING!!

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  12. Oh... no. Hilarious, but... no.

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  13. I sent this to my husband and I think i traumatized the poor guy. This was his response, "That’s not funny it’s horrifying. I didn’t laugh once. I couldn’t imagine. I feel so bad for that guy, I need a beer" LOL!

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  14. I found myself feeling very sorry for the Dad. He must've felt so pervy trying to "sniff" for that!

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    Replies
    1. This response really made me laugh

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  15. I love your blog. It is one of the few that make me literally LOL almost everyday. Poor dads of daughters!

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  16. This is the best thing I've ever read. Ever.

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  17. OK, so I just scared the crap outta the cat when I burst out hollering with laughter in a previously silent room!

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  18. *laughing hysterically*
    Part of me REALLY wants to send this to my husband, who is a SAHD with our 2 (soon to be 3) girls, but I am way too afraid of scaring him with the possibilities. I think I'll just enjoy the hilarity on my own!

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  19. That's hilarious, thanks for the laugh!

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  20. This brought tears. And though it was not vagina I smelled, my husband and I did bunk up at his brother's fraternity while visiting him one night and, I kid you not, the entire place smelled like semen. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep and laid on a towel quivering all night.

    Julie
    ilikebeerandbabies.com

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  21. Maybe dads don't know this but when one of your offspring asks you smell something, you only PRETEND to smell it! You hold your breath and bring your face close by said object but you never EVER actually smell it!!! And your response should be vague like "Oh wow!" or "Interesting!" Do not trust your children in the olfactory department, people!!!!!

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  22. I knew there was a reason I only had one child.

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  23. Hilarious. I had a similar experience with my kids. Although it wasn't the smell of someone's nether-regions that kept them from sleeping...

    http://www.moreskeesplease.com/2011/03/out-of-mouths-of-babes.html

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  24. OMG I am DYING!!! That is the funniest thing I've read all week!

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  25. Best ever! THat poor dad. I think if my daughter even said "vagina to him, he'd fall over and pretend to be dead. The horror!

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  26. ROFLMAO OMYGOODNESS NO FLIPPING WAY HILARIOUS! lololol I think I may actually die laughing now! ROFL

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  27. OMG! Too Funny! Thankfully, my husband has never had to sniff test a pillow for vag residue! At our house we have 3 boys, and we NEVER eat food straight out of the package (chips, gold fish, pretzels, etc.). After this single event, we now partition everything into ziplocs.

    We were all enjoying a movie and eating from a single large bag of chips when I left the room for a few minutes. Upon my return, my oldest son said to me "Mom, feel how warm my hands are." He then placed them on my cheeks and basically all over my face while I was commenting on how warm they were. In my goofy, super sugary sweet mom voice, I said, "Oh my goodness, they are so warm! How did your hands get so warm? It must be magic!"

    And then he said this ... "No. Actually, I just keep jamming them down my pants and rubbing my junk really fast. Everything gets warm then."

    Apparretnly, he had been doing this all day, having some chips, warming up his junk, and then palming my face. Yum, yum, come get some!

    At least our pillows are fresh!

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    Replies
    1. Oh my god. Oh my god. Over under on three glasses of wine that night?

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  28. Hahahahahahaha ... almost died laughing. Awesome!

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  29. I am sooooo glad I have a boy. Like Kate we have this talk about farts. He is obsessed with his junk but has not whipped it out or grabed it in public. YET

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  30. Recently my daughter and I borded a (full) plane to visit the grandparent. As we struggled to get in our seats my 3 year-old yelled, "It smells like va-jay-jay! Eeeewwww!" Repeatedly. What doesn't make you die of embarrassment makes for a good blog post. :)

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  31. Hahhahhahahahah soooooooooo funny. Seriously!

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  32. O.M.G. I just lost it...and I'm at work. I have tears streaming down my face! OMG OMG OMG. That's it. That's all I have to say.

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  33. That's something he'll wish he'd gotten on tape, just for the pleasure of ereasing it.

    Good show dad! Handled vagina stank and avoided a sister war. Bravo!

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  34. Okay, I thought I could not laugh harder until I finished 'initforthehappy's comment. Holy Maude, ladies. This is the damn funniest post of all time.

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  35. Apparently the no beverage warning should apply to the comment section as well...chips, junk, face and va-jay-jay on a plane. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

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  36. Oh Dear, trying to stop laughing now. I think I would have grabbed a new pillow case and changed it no questions asked, but I'm sneaky that way.

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  37. That was hysterical. I am SO glad that Dad got to field that one. I am sure he is scarred for life!

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  38. This could have been my husband! But I think boys can provide similar hilarity as mentioned above. My brother used to play what we called the "penis guitar". Basically it was his prop instead of the more acceptable "air guitar".

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  39. This gets funnier every time I read it!! My husband doesn't want to know, which makes me laugh harder!

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  40. Hilarious! This made me cry! I made my hub watch and he laughed so hard he cried, and then immediately panicked thinking about being in that situation himself someday.

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  41. This story makes me glad I am the only girl in our household!!! :)

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  42. Oh. Em. GEE!
    Thank you. Thank You. THANK YOU! for the laugh!

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  43. I read this to my husband, complete with character voices. He was Not. Amused. I DIED laughing! :)

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  44. Once again ya'll have made me cry. Like, tears are POURING DOWN MY FACE. I'm gasping for air. How is it you guys aren't hosting the Oscars? Or running for a tandem presidency of some kind? HOW IS THERE SO MUCH FUNNY GOING ON HERE? This is clearly a problem that physics is going to need to resolve somehow.

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  45. LOL!!! Thank you Lord for giving me ONE child and making that child male. We went through a phase of flatulation fascination, and I finally made him write a poem about it, then later on an essay about his favorite subject. After the essay, he ceased hiking his leg or making other grand spectacles of it.

    As for the smelly pillow...um...er...Dad, I feel your pain! Some things you just need a same sex parent to deal with. One morning my then-teenage-son refused to get out of bed for school with me standing there. I insisted he get out of bed, which he did with the comforter wrapped around him. Being single at the time, I forgot about a man's natural state is upon awakening, but I finally got it and left him with half a shred of dignity left.

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  46. oh my god i am dyin over here. i made my husband read it and he was howling. awesome story, can't wait to have kids so my husband gets to experience that kind of stuff (yes, i can't wait for is mortification! hahaha) love it, thanks for the story!

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  47. See, we teach our kids all the correct words for body parts and then they totally abuse this knowledge. You posted this within the exact same week that my kindergartner came home and reported that Braden punched her in the vagina with his milk carton. Whuck?

    Since we like to keep things simple, we don't whip out the anatomy and physiology textbook to name every body part. "Vag" typically means everything from belly button to upper thigh. I pictured this incident as more of an accidental meeting of milk carton and crotch front.

    The upside is that my son, who normally treats his little sister like a bad dog, was totally ready to get up in Braden's grill and give him the business for this attack on his sister's privates. So, score?

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  48. For some reason, I didn't heed your warning and there is now water all over my computer screen! LMFAO!!!

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  49. this is hilarious! gotta love the things kiddos come up with!

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  50. Hilarious! Did you know that red wine burns as it coming out of your nose?!

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  51. OMG! Hilarious! Did you know that Pinot Noir burns when it's coming out of your nose?! ;)

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  52. Jessica of TasmaniaJanuary 26, 2012 at 11:29 AM

    OMFG people are now going to think I'm crazy because for the rest of my life I am going to randomly laugh whenever I think of this like the pmsl kind too I laughed so hard I cried!!!

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