Thursday, August 21, 2014

Daddy, My Pillow Smells


This post is several years old but in honor of the author's birthday, I am re-posting it today. 
God bless you, sir. You are a fine American.

This post was actually not written for us. It was written up as Facebook note by a friend of mine. Since he and his wife are my very close buddies, I asked them and THEN I TOTALLY PINCHED IT. 

OK. I asked first. You see, my friend Beatrice told me the story of what happened and I nearly peed myself. So then I asked if I could write it up for MommyLand and they were all "It's already written!" And when I read the story on her Facebook page, it was even funnier than when his wife told it to me.

If you're drinking anything, put it down.  Otherwise, you may spray your computer. 

Enjoy! xo, Lydia



------------------------------------------

The Scene: 9:15pm. A dark and cool house in suburbia. Two children,  J (age 8) and K (age 4) are "asleep" upstairs. All the lights are out in the house and Dad is desperate to have a beer and watch Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Mom is at a Board Meeting.

Dad is reclined on the couch, when he hears the gentle creek of the stairs. J is creeping downstairs. Dad gets up and meets her in the darkened foyer.

Dad: What's up, sweetheart?

J: I can't sleep. My pillow smells like vagina.

Dad: (*blink*)

The house is dead silent as the two stare at one another for a seeming eternity that lasts all of 5 seconds.

Dad: Excuse me?

J: My pillow smells like K's vagina.

Dad: (*blink*)

J: (breathlessly) K took off her clothes and touched herself and didn't wash her hands and then touched my pillow and now I can't sleep because my pillow smells like vagina.

Dad: (meekly) Go to bed.

J: (exasperated) Daaaad! I can't. It stinks.

Dad: Let's go to your room.

The two march upstairs, J leading the way while Dad follows behind, wondering just how the hell he found himself in this situation, and how was he going to resolve it.

They enter the bedroom, where J ups the ante. She removes the pillow from the bed and thrusts it at Dad.

J: Smell it.

Dad: (scared shitless and flustered) I don't think that's necessary, just go to bed (he's pleading now).

J: (yelling) I CAN'T SLEEP WITH MY PILLOW SMELLING LIKE VAGINA!

A high pitched, shrieking voice comes out of the darkness. K has awoken.

K: (screaming defensively) I DON'T HAVE A SMELLY VAGINA!

Both girls begin shouting over one another

J: Wash your hands!

K: I DID.

J: Did not. Don't touch my pillow!

K: I didn't touch myself.

J: You're not allowed on my bed. YOU'RE NOT A GOOD WIPER.

As the situation devolves, Dad lifts the offending pillow to his face, and proceeds to do something heretofore unimaginable. He sniffs.

Dad: (thankfully) Smells like Downy.

J: It does not

K: Apologize!

J grabs the pillow and methodically sniffs all four corners of the pillow, like a drug sniffing dog.

J: It smelled a minute ago.

From the darkness:

K: SAY YOU'RE SORRY!

Dad: Both of you go to bed right now, and I am telling your mother.

Both girls go to bed, and Dad slinks back down to the couch, thoroughly shaken and perhaps permanently scarred.  The end.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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