Friday, September 9, 2011

Ten Reasons Why My Dogs is Less Annoying Than My Kids

I got a puppy a couple of months ago and everyone talks about how much work it must be.  PLEASE.  The puppy is nothing.  He barely hits my "a lot of work" radar.  I have a toddler whose stealth-like cunning and ninja skills may lead to her CIA recruitment at any moment.  I have two other kids who can not speak to each other without fighting. Or speak to me without interrupting, forgetting their manners or talking over each other in increasingly loud voices so no one can hear anything that is being said. At which point I am sullenly accused of not listening to them.

Now I love my kids more than butter or bacon or wine on the weekends.  I adore them.  I work my (inexplicably larger every year) ass off to try and not ruin them through my total ineptitude as a mother. But parenting? It's really hard. And it's getting more complicated the older they get. So the dog? That's easy. That's simple. 


Ten Reasons Why My Dog is (MUCH) Easier Than My Kids

My dog is awesome.
10.  Two words: crate training.

9. Dogs don’t like Justin Beiber.

8. Dogs really like to go to sleep.

7. When a dog makes a mess, he feels really bad about it.

6. Dogs don’t watch endless re-runs of the Wiggles that make your brain spiral into blackness.

5. When you give a dog his dinner, he doesn’t sigh and ask for McDonald’s.

4. Picking up #2 in a plastic bag off the sidewalk is actually much less disgusting than changing the diaper of a toddler who gets a lot of dietary fiber.

3. When dogs sigh and roll their eyes, it’s cute. And most dogs only whine when they really need something.

2. Dogs don’t incessantly wheedle you to allow them to play Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga more than can possibly be good for them.

1. Kids drop food all over the floor and claim it was an accident. Then they act all surly if you ask them to clean it up. Dogs will cheerfully hoover up Cheerios and act like you did them a favor.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

25 comments:

  1. A lydia post after ages... Welcome back

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  2. I think I have misdirected my "no!!!" Should have used that one on the kid question instead of the dog one.

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  3. Also... Dogs at least TRY to clean up their own vomit. Granted it's gross that they eat it, but still. My kids have NEVER attempted to clean anything voluntarily.

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  4. my dog is a bit more challenging, although my kids are not old enough to be real pains, (although my almost 4 year old comes close)the dog will do anything to get food, jump on the dining room table, steal frozen food off the counter and break my dishes in the process, and steal what's off your plate when you're not looking. He also obsesses about poop, eating rabbit turds he finds in the yard, or tearing into dirty diapers that I forget to put way. Sigh, perhaps I need to work on training him better, and not forget to leave stuff out.

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  5. Perfect, that pup is so darned cute! I have two dogs and two kids, and the dogs are most definitely the easiest.The kids howl like banshees when they are arguing and the dogs only howl at sirens, which is very cute. I "heart" my dogs, Cody and Nikki!

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  6. So, just for the cleaning the floor part, is it worth it getting a dog with toddlers in the house? Because we have carpeting in the dinning room... (and no kitchen table).

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  7. Wait... You're not supposed to crate train your kids? Oh crap.

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  8. And I can leave my dogs outside for hours when I'm gone with no consequences other than they are SO GLAD TO SEE ME when I return. When I try that with the kids, the grouchy lady from CPS always shows up. Such a hassle.

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  9. 11. Dogs do not require an entire new every 15 minutes.
    12. Dogs don't bring home the flu, roseola, pink eye, the croup, hand foot and mouth...
    13. Dog food is $20 for a bag that last a month. Organic baby food is $20 a day.
    14. Dogs only wake you up in the middle in the night to alert you of danger. Fire! Tornado! Get the kids!
    15. Dogs are so loyal they will sometimes even eat their own poop as to not disappoint you. My 2-y-o, not so much.

    Julie
    Ilikebeerandbabies.com

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  10. to Berserk Dad: TOTALLY. But: I got a puppy when my youngest was 3, which meant there had been a year of getting a full night's sleep, and when the puppy woke up at 4:30 am every day for the first few weeks, it was NOT EASY. It was only a few weeks, but still. So, either get a new puppy while you're still being woken up before dawn by a toddler, or skip the new puppy and get a 3-month-old that's house trained. That's another thing that's easier than kids: you choose the developmental stage you're comfortable with, and buy that one!

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  11. Ha, ha! My son is playing Lego Star Wars while I ignore him to read this!

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  12. I LOVE my furbaby! Granted, I don't have children yet, but when it comes down to that conversatin with my sisters telling me to have kids, I always make a pretty good argument for why having a dog suits me ust fine. Crate training is always at the top of that list! Don't get me wrong, I want kids.... one day..... Sit! Stay! Good Baby!

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  13. A co-worker of mine got married in August and about a week after her wedding, I went into a full blown rant to her about how she should never have kids and should stick to her two insane great danes! I was having a meltdown re childcare - my babysitter can't understand why I pulled my daughter out of her care, when all she did was leave three 5 and under children unattended in her backyard long enough for the 5 year old to drench my daughter in Raid.

    And my office is dog friendly.

    Sigh. Off to drown my frustration in peanut butter pie!

    Lori

    BTW - your site helps keep me sane. Thank you.

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  14. Could not agree more! And I can leave them at home, alone, without a sitter when I need some time away.

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  15. I have cats not a dog, but there have been so many times when I'm sitting on the couch watching the chaos unfold of two boys rampaging through the house or not listening when I say anything to them, I'll just look down at my kitten on my lap and ask her why the boys can't be like her? She just purrs and sits there so quietly.

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  16. The other day, one of my coworkers who doesn't have kids talked about how her puppy was "basically like having a newborn". Meanwhile, I have a 16 month old and am 38 weeks preggo. I almost shmucked her.

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  17. Amen, sister. And yes, it is totally worth having a dog when you have a carpeted eating area. Pick a nice house broken Golden and you're set. Although my dog is a 90lb half black lab, half rotty, half gorilla that thinks he's a cat who can climb in my lap, and will eat any butter that is left on the counter, I haven't had to vacuum my breakfast room in years. And bonus he loves the bananas that are too ripe for my kids to eat.

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  18. Honestly, my kids are way less of a pain than my dog is. The kids sleep alone, go to bed, mostly without fussing, take themselves to the bathroom, fix their own food, occasionally clean up after themselves, etc. The dog co-sleeps (and even though he only weighs 6 pounds, he thrashes and is a rotten bed sharer), cries if he isn't sitting on my lap, cries if I try to go to the bathroom alone, chews things up, poops on the floor, vomits in my bed, tries to make a break for it every time he goes outside, isn't covered by insurance, etc, etc, etc.

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  19. Too funny. Love number #1, it is the absolute truth!

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  20. Lydia, did you see that article recently about how dogs are as smart as toddlers? Seriously. They have similar developmental capabilities to two year-olds. They are even awesomer.

    On a different note, when we lived with my in-laws this winter I also shared the house with the only two dogs on earth who hate Cheerios. WHAT THE HELL. I was so pissed. How is that even possible?

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  21. We have a border collie, who, at less than 1 yr old would literally open the drawer where we kept wooden/plastic utensils like spatulas and stirring spoons, sniff around, select one and then close the drawer with her nose and promptly chew that utensil to bits! We discovered this by accident when I was home sick one day. She also figured out how to open the fridge. I swear she hated when we bought miracle whip because as soon as I would open one, she'd leave the door wide open. She also ate our Thanksgiving turkey and an entire plate of chocolate/chocolate chip cookies. Yep, about on par with my 2 yr old LOL
    I have to say #6 made me truly LOL.

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  22. We have a border collie, who, at less than 1 yr old would literally open the drawer where we kept wooden/plastic utensils like spatulas and stirring spoons, sniff around, select one and then close the drawer with her nose and promptly chew that utensil to bits! We discovered this by accident when I was home sick one day. I'll never forget the day we came home from work and she had spread 5 lbs of grass seed in our carpet and I cried laughing while vacuuming it up thinking about how I could have grass growing in my carpet if we spilled any water. Oh, and the time she we came home and discovered she ripped up half of the kitchen linoleum. She also figured out how to open the fridge. I swear she hated when we bought miracle whip because as soon as I would open one, she'd leave the door wide open. She also ate our Thanksgiving turkey and an entire plate of chocolate/chocolate chip cookies. Yep, about on par with my 2 yr old LOL
    I have to say #6 made me truly LOL.

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  23. Hello girls! Have you seen the Tide plus Febreze Sport commercial about yoga pants? The folks at Tide must be fans of RFM!

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  24. My kids accuse me of loving the dog more than them..and I'm like DUH! He doesn't talk back, I don't have to do his laundry, he eats what I put before him, he loves me without question...why wouldn't I ;-)

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