Hi! My name is Becky and I’m a SAH Military Mom to 3 adorable monsters ages 6,4 and 2. My husband is currently deployed to Againistan and this is our third deployment although the other two were to Iraq. I live on a military installation so in general I am surrounded by people who understand what we are going through as a family. Unfortunately, on a very regular basis I am asked QUESTIONS. I try to attribute them to a perfect storm of curiosity and ignorance. I order to alleviate both I present: 10 things that no one better say to me again or I will lose my ever loving mind not to say to a military spouse. You can read more about our crazy fun life at cullinanfamily.blogspot.com
Ten Things
not to say to a spouse of a deployed military person.
10. He’ll be back in no time – Keep busy, he’ll be back before you know it!
Are you freaking kidding me? No – he won’t be back before I know it. You know what happens before I know it? We run out of milk at 7 pm and there’s no one to stay with the kids while I run out - so we don’t have milk at breakfast. You know what else happens? Trash day comes and since he’s not here I have to take it out – and back in – again. It’s only been 5 months and it seems like 5 years.
True – he’s not on the ground. He’s IN THE AIR. Just a reminder about this funny thing we have called GRAVITY and these things that they have called rocket propelled grenades. Just sayin’...
8. How much longer does he have until he can get out?
And when I answer the response is, “Oh, so he’s CAREER???” Like there isn’t much worse in the world than that? Seriously people there are sooooo many worse things than being actively employed in a profession that he enjoys and feels like he’s contributing to the world and whatnot. It’s not a jail sentence. He’s certainly not a prisoner and we have made a choice for him to be in the Army. This one bugs me. It just drips with condescension because what you’re REALLY saying is, “When is he going to get serious and get a real job where he actually takes care of his family.”
7. I wish my husband would deploy.
Seriously – someone said this too me – MORE.THAN.ONCE. “My husband is being sooooo annoying. He just won’t leave me alone these days. I wish that he was in the Army and would deploy.” There.are.no.words.
6. It’s not that bad – you can talk everyday.
Yes, that’s true. We COULD talk everyday. I could tell him that the kids got up, ate Cheerios, went to school, I cleaned up the dishes and changed the baby, did laundry, got the mail, picked up at preschool, made lunch, cleaned up from lunch and so on. I could tell him this EVERYDAY but then he might die from boredom before the enemy got to him.
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| SKYPE: It's exactly like this. |
5. The kids are young – they don’t even realize he’s gone.
In what world do small children not notice that a parent is suddenly gone? OK, it’s different for kids of different ages – heck it’s different for different kids. Some kids are more resilient and some are less – just like adults but it’s not fair to say that they don’t realize it! We listen to a recording of Daddy reading a book before bed and even the baby asks to hear the Daddy Book. She knows at 20 months and my son knew when he was 8 months old.
4. Come and visit us!
Thank you very much. But no thanks. Do you really want to help? If so then come and visit ME. Stay home at night while I go to Walmart so I don’t have to pay a sitter $10/hour to go frigging grocery shopping. Stay with the little ones in the morning so I don’t have to drag them all to school drop off in the stroller in the rain. Make dinner or clean the dishes while I give the kids a bath or pick up the toys so it’s not 9:30 pm before I even have a chance to sit down. Now THAT would be helpful.
3. What should I send him?
Honestly, I don’t know. What would you want if you lived in a plywood building and shared a shower with 25 of your closest friends? If I have to answer this question again I’m just going to answer PORN – actually I’m not. They aren’t allowed to have that – or alcohol. Now you can feel worse for them.
No – I actually hadn’t thought about until just now when you said that – so thanks for that! How in the world could I not be worried about raising my 3 kids alone and losing the best friend I’ve ever had? I worry constantly about someone showing up at my door and if you know better you’ll text me that you’re coming over before you’d EVER ring the doorbell unannounced.
1. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t think I could.
What exactly do you mean by that? Would you divorce the father of your children because he’s going away? I’m actually not quite sure how we do it either but I know one thing – you’re right - not everyone could.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
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ReplyDeletehear hear! also a military wife and all ten of those are right on the money, 100%. I despise hearing people comment on my husband being deployed, "i am allowed to talk about it, you are not allowed to comment" is generally how i feel about it. people just don't get it! thanks for the great post! feel free pop over to my blog too!
ReplyDeleteAMEN SISTER!!!!!!!! thankfully i have just finished a year remote. my husband wasn't in as dangerous a place, but i was alone with 3 as well. keep your head up! we've got your back! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, Becky!! Thank you for lending your voice!!! Prayers for all of you! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat horrible things people say! At the risk of sounding really dumb, what SHOULD people say? I'm sure the next thing on your list could probably be that you hate it when people just ignore the elephant in the room and don't say anything. I'm SO guilty of that! I would love to know what to say that wouldn't annoy the heck out of my girlfriend when her husband is deployed.
ReplyDeleteI tell my stay at home awesome husband all the time, when someone stupidly asks when he will be working outside of the house, that we are a team. I would never be able to have the amazing job I have without all the work he does here at home with the kids. You're that same support system for your husband and I thank you for your support.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this is helpful....I read on a blog about the husband going away for work trips and they made a paper chain with one link per day...each day tear one off. It helped her toddler understand the time better--- though it sounds like you may have one wrap around the house.... I wish I could come help you with laundry or something.
ReplyDeleteA - to the freakin' - MEN!!!
ReplyDeleteThe only people who actually understand the military/military wife life are the ones who have and are currently living it.
I lost 20ish lbs when my husband was deployed (had a 7 month old baby and a 3 year old at the time), and everyone was constantly asking about my "secret" to weight loss - let's see - constant worry, a baby who never sleeps and refuses to be put down, a full time job, no family nearby, and a steady diet of Red Bull and sandwich crusts while keeping up with an active 3 year old. And there was that week and a half where the 3 of us had the stomach virus from h-e-double l That'll do it!
I have issues with about half of this blog. My husband has been deployed 5 times in the last 7 years, we have 3 kids, and guess what? You learn to suck it the eff up. YOU married him, and if you didn't know what you were getting into, you must have had blinders on. No, it isn't always pretty, but come the hell on.
ReplyDeleteAs the wife of a sailor with ANOTHER deployment coming up in just 4 weeks, I totally agree with every single one of these!
ReplyDeleteThe absolute worst for me, though, are the women who "wish" their husbands would deploy. And not civilian wives, who probably have no idea what that entails, but the fellow military wives. How could you wish your husband, the father of your children, would leave? And, sadly, most of them claim they want them to leave so they can get the extra money. There isn't enough money in the world to make it worth it to me for my husband to be away, especially when he is put into harms way!
Very well put! I'm not a military mom, but my Dad was in Vietnam when I was a baby. I know it had to be very hard for my Mom having him half a world away. Anyway, no platitudes ... just congrats for a well written post!
ReplyDelete; ) Had to chuckle at #7. When my hubby was in Company Command, he had several soldier's wives come to his office to ask him to take the unit to the field. Guess they wanted a break?
ReplyDeleteYou are right. There. Are. No. Words.
My husband would say, "You're tougher than woodpecker lips!" (Rangers have such a way with words, don't they?)
So. Very. Awesome. My hubby is deployed right now and the comment I get the most is "Wow, I could never do that!" And I tell them "Yes you would do it because you HAVE to do it. And you won't know how you do it, you just take baby steps and DO IT!!" And one of the best things to do for a family with a deployed spouse is to take the kids so the parent can have a break. God bless all my fellow military spouses out there. May our sweethearts come home safe and soon.
ReplyDeleteOh, I hate those. I'm a military wife as well, and there are times people are just clueless. The worst, IMO, are my close friends telling me that I'm so strong and they don't think they could do deployments. They'd find a way, and all they're doing is telling me that I can't ever have a breakdown while DH is gone because I'm 'so strong'. I know they mean well, but that doesn't help.
ReplyDeleteThank you. The sacrifices you and your family make allow your husband to do his job keeping the rest of us safe. It's important. It matters. And I am very grateful.
ReplyDeleteThis is SO true! Especially #4. Thanks for posting this!
ReplyDeleteMy hubs is in the Navy and I get the "I don't know how you do it. I certainly couldn't!" ALLLLLL the time. Sigh. Obviously, I don't WANT to be without him for half a year at a time (granted, ship deployments are a lot shorter than tours to Iraq or Afghanistan, but gone is gone!), but I do it because he's good at what he does and he likes it and it puts diapers on my baby's butt and burritos into my pregnant pie hole. Delicious, delicious burritos.
ReplyDeleteAll of this. My husband just got back from Afghanistan. It's always awkward when people tell me what a good job I did. Really? I did what had to be done, because we DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. Haha.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. My husband is not military - he works for a gov't contractor over in Afghanistan and has for the past two+ years. The errand to run? That's the one that always kills me. At least my hubby gets to come home every few months, so more power to you, and hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThis certainly resonates with me. We are in the middle of our 5th deployment right now, he left when my twins were 5 weeks old. I have a 2 year old and constantly hear "How do you do it?" How could I not? I hate taking out the trash and getting both twins out of the car to take my son to preschool IS a pita in the rain. But then I am just thankful for the time he is home. He didn't miss their birth, even if they are so different now, and he has only missed one Christmas (let's not talk about the other holidays and birthdays lol)
ReplyDeleteAwesome post! My hubs deploys to Againistan in two months and I'm already getting some of these questions. Drives me nuts!!
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely sharing this post with all my mil and non-mil friends! :)
Anonymous--wow, really? I'm not going to start a fight or say anything else rude, but I DO want to say that even if you know fully what you're getting yourself into, that doesn't mean you have to love every part of every moment of it. This blog is a place to RANT (read the title), and she's entitled to share the not-so-wonderful parts that make things hard sometimes. That doesn't make her less committed or devoted to him or the job he does. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all...especially behind the ease of anonymity.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the sacrifices all of you military wives/husbands make! My step-mom has had two year-long deployments in Iraq, so I SORT of understand...but I think it would be much harder as a spouse with children. So thank you!
ReplyDeleteMy hubby is not in the military, but he does work away from home on the other side of the country....I think this post still applies. HE may not be defending the country but He could still get hurt on the job and have a vehicle fall on him. The one that irritates me the most is Number 1. I do it because I don't have a choice...Raising 4 boys under the age of 8 is insanely difficult by myself with no family to help out... At least I get to see him every 6 weeks, for that I am thankful
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that I never said these things because I don't know anybody whose husband is deployed, in the closest circle of people that I know. But I can see myself tempted to say a couple of these stupid things, thinking that I would be helping out, but I think it comes out more of not knowing what to say because I cannot begin to understand how you feel. Thank you for posting it. I'll shut up if I am ever in that situation. Or better yet, I'll watch your kids while you catch a break.
ReplyDeleteAs for #3...if your husband doesn't need anything, there are organizations that put together care packages for those that do. Instead of gritting your teeth, why not direct their good intentions to places where they can make a difference.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI have never been a military spouse, but I have been been the one deployed (thankfully I was single & childless at the time). I send many hugs and prayers to you who are left behind. Your love & support means a lot to your loved ones!
To Anonymous...I'm really so SICK of that "suck it up" thing. We do suck it up. We do know what we got into. That doesn't mean we can't have a safe place to rant and be sad. We don't have to like it. Some compassion would be nice, especially since you've been through it 5 times and should know more than anyone how hard it is.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the blog post goes, omg. Been there on every one of these.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE this blog and love the domestic enemies and the rants.
ReplyDeleteBut can someone tell/inform/teach other mothers/women on what to say? I know I've said #10, #3, and #1 before, but I meant it in the best of intentions.
EDUCATE US AND OTHERS!
Great post-I just started bawling at #2 (I'm quite emotional this morning)-I have quite a few friends who's husbands are active military and truly I think you are the strongest, most amazing women and without the wives and families to support our troops I don't know where this country would be. God bless all of you and your families, I hope everyone is home safe and sound very soon. I wish I could come over this morning and wash your dishes and do your laundry just so you could have a break, and that is saying a lot since I hate doing my own dishes and laundry!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. As for the "what to send" question, it IS hard. My husband rarely makes any requests, so I'm constantly having to come up with new stuff that *I* can even send - on top of shopping for and caring for everything that's going on in the household. It's def. a thoughtful question, but when I don't know what I'm going to fill the next package with, it's kind of hard to tell someone else what to get.
ReplyDeleteI also like #1. Another statement that's probably said with complete sincerity, but drives me crazy. What choice do I have but to handle it and make it work? My husband and I are a team, we are best friends and I love and support him and our family. BTW, I didn't MARRY into it, so I DIDN'T know what I was getting into, but when he decided to enlist, I supported him in spite of my fears, and we've made it work...
I appreciate and respect everyone's opinion on here, esp. the ones that are able to express theirs in a civilized, mature way. :)
I was a Navy brat and am a former Navy wife. Fortunately, neither my father nor my ex-husband were active during any war efforts, so we didn't have that to contend with. But I understand the months of single-momness. Except during my experience, there was no internet, it was letters the old fashioned way, written at 3AM because the baby wouldn't go to sleep, and hand addressed to the FPO. Ahhh...memories.
ReplyDeleteBut thank your husband for his service - I think that anyone who serves should receive way more honor and respect than they do. And, oh wait, he's CAREER??? WAY TO GO!!! AWESOME!!! He is one of the ones that are protecting your right to say stupid stuff, you jerkazoid!
Thank you for all of the sacrifices you and your family go through on a day to day basis for us! I will keep all of these in mind when speaking with military wives and families... If I lived anywhere near you I would come over so you could run your errands...
ReplyDeleteThe only other one I have to add is "how are you holding up?" I never say but always want to "how the *#%^ do you think I am holding up?" I am parenting, dealing with the house, the car, the pets, the rest of our family, and all other commitments with less help, less rest and more stress! My husband is in a war zone where people are shooting at him every day but me I doing awesome never been better (except for the other 3 times he's been deployed) but thanks for asking!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous @ 9:09AM - She has every right to complain about the things that have thrown her for a loop, because as a military wife, or ANY human being, we can't possibly anticipate how EVERYTHING will affect us until we are in the thick of it. But she's not even complaining about the deployments or being a military wife, she's complaining about the questions/comments she gets from other people. There's nothing to "suck the eff up". I've gotten most of those questions/comments during deployments and the only one that really bothers me is #1, but that doesn't mean Becky can't come on RANTS from Mommyland and share a RANT about what bothers her. Get over yourself!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I am not a military wife. My husband has never been away from home for longer than one week. So I totally don't understand what you have to endure. I get that. And I am completely guilty of saying a variation of #3 and #1 to my friends with deployed husbands. And, despite this rant, I will continue to say it. I am sorry that you are not comfortable hearing that I think you are strong and I don't quite know how you do it. (Btw, I don't say that I don't think I could do it because I think women are much stronger and can accomplish much more than they think they can. Doesn't mean they have to like it, though.) But you ARE strong. And by saying #1, all us ignorant folk are trying our best to COMPLIMENT you, to tell you that we are proud of you, to acknowledge that you are doing something insanely hard and that we see that. (And yes, words just like that almost always follow statement #1, at least from me.)
ReplyDeleteAs for #3, I am not in the military. I don't know what would be helpful to deployed soldiers. By asking, I am trying to show that I want to support both you and your husband during this difficult time. I don't know who else to ask. I would rather ask you and have you think I'm stupid than not ask at all and not be able to help your husband.
So I will continue to annoy you by asking some of these, because I AM proud of you and I DO want to help.
For those of you who ask, "What should I say?" my response is, "How can I help you?" and when Military Wife says, "Oh we're fine..." then you should reply, "Great! I'll come take the kids to the park so you can have some down time to yourself!" or offer to car pool her child to/from school or mow her yard or take her trash can back to the house after the truck empties it...or leave a gift card on her front porch or...you get my drift.
ReplyDeleteI have One more add... Is it just like Army Wives?? No, because my husband is actually gone, and we dont get paid per episode! He's also fighting in a 'real' war and is really over seas, not a movie set. Also, my best friend is not Claudia joy. :) thanks to all of the families sacrifices to fight for our country. I do know it's not easy, and we are more prone to loose our minds with out your significant other to lean on, but We do it! Cause were freaking awesome!!! Just like our husbands!
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this!!!!! No one truly understands any of this unless they have walked in a pair of the wife's shoes that is married to a soldier. I must admit I teared up a little at number 6 because it is so true, you don't want to occupy their mind with things like that when they are in these awful sandy places. I have been lucky that our last couple of assignments have been non deployable postings but I never forget what it feels like not to have my best friend right beside me and worry every second of every day about him yet hide these emotions from the kids as well as carry on the daily tasks of everyday life without the help you would ordinarily have. It makes things more difficult but we always manage to get through because we are so strong. HUGE hugs to you Becky, I will include your husband in my prayers for his safe return home.
ReplyDeleteThis was both humorous, and broke my heart a little at how much I take for granted. I also felt like a total jackhole for complaining when my husband has to work a couple of hours late. Thank you for the reminder that we non-military wives need to be very thankful.
ReplyDeleteThe only one that got me was #1, I know I'm "guilty" of saying #1 to military wives. But it's because it's true. I/we CAN'T imagine it, and we DON'T know how as mothers you do it. We admire you. We think you're strong. We wish we were 1/2 as courageous as you. We don't mean it to be offensive...
Becky, I LOVE YOU!!!! I don't need to know anything else, & I would get you a BIG GULP if I were back stateside, & watch your kids for an hr or two, to allow you a simple break! My Hubby leased a house, made sure our car, was in port,let me unpack the house & kissed me goodbye for 15 months, that turned into 2 years. Suckville! I started to get my house in order, out of boxes, & this time it took me 6 months to set up our house, because because because because, I was suffering PTSD from the get go! I am a strong person, I credit myself on that! I cried, often in the shower,( Not to worry my kids) & searched for days to pay my late water bill, & things just seemed to be moving slower than normal~but as fast as lightening! I have 3 kids too! They are so amazing, but the crap that went on was vicious, abusive, & made me wanna take off heads & see them roll...& I gotta tell ya, I am a Christian woman! My Hubby is a Life~r too, & I kicked someone in the shins for being a Moan~er & a whiny dumbass when they made the fatal mistake of communication with the spouses! My Hubby lived with the National Police of Iraq, not on the FOB, so I would get to speak with him once every 2 to 3 months! The woman, whom I kicked, called the Military Police, but after them taking the stories from both of us, I received a Bundt cake from one of the Officers...the same Officer, that dismissed the complaint, & made me walk away from this evil horrendous woman, who I assaulted & I know I did, & thank god every day that I did not happen to go to jail! I would look into the mirror, every morning & make faces & say in a hoity toity way..."I never did mind, about the little things", taken from Bridget Fonda, The Point of No Return. I lived one day at a time, made ever waking hr about my kids, stopped reading the news, kept my TV on HGTV, or FOOD NETWORK the whole time! I am addicted to caffeine! Any wonder why? I do have insomnia, & baby...its not because of what I constantly drink! Hahahahahahahahaha! YOU are awesome! YOU are able to leap buildings in a single bound! You are my HERO! Your kids & Awesome Hubby are so very lucky to have a cool Mom! 2 thumbs up! Keep it up, chica!
ReplyDeleteI am not a military wife, but I am a military sister. My baby brother, 12 years my junior, is currently stationed in Kuwait. All of my friends know him because from 19-22, I had the pleasure of raising him. Don't EVEN ask me why, because even I can't tell you why I agreed to that one!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I love comments like "Well, at least he's in the Air Force." Yep, and he makes bombs; super safe job. Every day I dont get a text of FB message from him I hope it's not the day he just blew his face off at work.
"He'll be home soon." Yep, and then I still won't see him, because he'll be in California and then right back overseas because he, too, is going career.
"He's safe in Kuwait." Yep, see the bombs part, and then know that he was pissed that his orders were changed and that when he goes back he hopes to go to a red zone.
"I heard that base is like living in a dorm." Yep, with 3 other grown dudes in a room made for one person. Sounds awesome to me too!
And when they ask at the post office what I'm sending him, I always say Porn and lube. Then I laugh and say, no really it's just acne medicine, oreoes, and goldfish crackers. This last time my kiddos threw in some Legos and a giant, fake handlebar mustache!
I hope your 'friends' read this and can wrap their heads around what it's like to have someone you love in harm's way all the time.
All the best to you and your sweet babies!
Dh is deployed to Kuwait. Does it suck? You bet. I'll deliver a baby alone during that time, and my two year old will be without a father for a year. However, it's Kuwait and it's not a war zone. Neither you nor I have to worry about a loved one in harm's way. Your brother will not get blown up making bombs. That's just being silly, or ill informed. I experienced a real deployment with dh in 2005 where he was literally on nightly raids breaking down doors. His hum v was hit with an ied. He lost friends. It was hell. Understand that there are women out there that are living with the real constant worry of a loved one in a war zone. Please do not compare Kuwait to that. Be thankful your brother is safe.
DeleteI live in the DC area and you HAVE to say something when a friend says, "My husband's being deployed, he'll be gone for a year in Afghanistan." You can't just sit there like a mute lump. I am not surprised people say the wrong thing. I stick with "I know you'll miss him." I figure that's pretty safe.
ReplyDeleteHubs and I were only dating when this happened to us. We were child sweethearts and chose not to get married till Army life was behind us. We spent 8 mths apart before being shipped out for a year. The best thing anyone ever said to me was... Prep yourself, "well, you're just dating. If something happens, it will be easy to move on. It's not like you have kids or anything". HOLY.EFFING.DUCK! Youre right, I'll just move on. No worries.
ReplyDeleteAMEN!
ReplyDeleteWow! Thanks so much for the amazing supportive comments!!! I really do love being an Army Wife despite its difficulties. It's wonderful to realize that there is so much love out there for all of us in similar situations!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Becky
PS - thanks for all of the offers to do my laundry and dishes - I wish I could take you up on it!! xoxo
The day after my husband left for Afghanistan last year, I had a stranger from the Tax office tell me to tell him to be careful because there are snipers everywhere over there. He knows two snipers that have over 350 kills combined he also has a friend at Walter Reed that had his legs blown off. I was dumbfounded. Thank goodness I am a rational human being and was young and pregnant. I calmly replied, the next time you speak to a deployed individuals spouse you might not want to engage in such a conversation.
ReplyDeleteBut, my all time favorite was my neighbor who asked me what I was going to do when he was gone and suggested that I should have a baby. Seriously? I am well over 40 and having a baby while my husband was deployed for a year was not something that I would actually think would be a good idea, given the choice.
Anonymous: Say "Thank you to your husband for his service. And thank you for yours as well. Is there anytime I could come over and watch your kids so you can have some alone time? Or how about just a cup of coffee for some adult conversation sometime?"
ReplyDeleteThat's what you say. Is it really so difficult?
Amen, Sister!! As a Navy wife, I have experienced plenty of deployments (though none of the 12+ months in-country variety). I absolutely loathe when people say, "You must be a pro at deployments by now." Umm, no. It's chaos and heartbreak every time. It doesn't get easier; I don't get more organized; and the kids never miss their dad less. Also, Chip-on-Your-Shoulder Anonymous, "suck it up," is just insulting. Less than 1% of Americans serve in the military. That means a few of us are bearing a really heavy burden. We may have chosen this lifestyle, but we're not martyrs. Sometimes we just want to say to people and even family members, "Walk a mile in my shoes."
ReplyDeleteGod Bless you and all military families. We appreciate your sacrifices and pray for all of you.
ReplyDeleteBecky, from one deployment warrior spouse to another, you rock. To those lovely and kind moms who want to know what to say, please know that most of the time we hear the meaning behind the comment and take it for that (but a rant isn't funny unless it's a bit snarky sometimes, right?) For those of us who struggle with what to say/do: "Please thank your husband for his service and thank you for your sacrifice." Then please treat us like the normal humans we are, struggling just like everyone else. If you feel a special urge to help in a more concrete way, you might call us from the store to see if you can pick up something for us, offer to send your teenager over to mow our lawn, bring dinner over one night, or just give us a call when the kids are down and talk about reality TV. See, just like you, we hate to ask for help. But when the help is freely given, we are among the first to pay it forward. Because we know we'll need it back again!
ReplyDeleteThis post had me in tears. We had a cousin who deployed and left his new bride behind during deployment #2. It was tough just being the bride left at home. We leave near post in Mid-Missouri and frequently encounter families of the deployed - we choose to have play dates so Mommy can do the "stuff" of everyday life...or maybe grab a few beers!! :) If you lived closer, I'd keep your kids so you could do WHATEVER you needed!!
ReplyDeleteI'm a Navy wife who's hubby just came home from being deployed with Marines. My hubby didn't mind the day to day drama stuff, as it gave him things to think about other than the usual schmidt he had to deal with, and knowing I TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS, and saved money to boot, made him feel better about leaving us.
ReplyDeleteThough there's no mention of other wives of deployed spouses playing the 'MY hubby has it worse' game. I got sick of that. Yes, my husband was with a Chaplain on a base- except for when he WASN'T and acted as a BODYGUARD for a PRIME TARGET.
I hear you, and I feel your pain. We ( my hubby, me, and 3 little ones) have been through lots of deployments too. It's hard!!! Not for the dependent or weak at heart to be sure! But.... Ignorant it may be, most comments are well intended. I focus on that and stick to the positive, I have enough negative already. The exception being those that wish their husbands would deploy, there really are no words. And I'm pretty good with words. I know the dumbest comments are just b/c they don't understand and don't know what to say. I take it as a sign they want to be supportive even if they don't know how. I mean, if we can only put bits and pieces of what our life is like into words, how can we expect someone that doesn't LIVE it to understand? I try to keep that in mind and take it as they intended, support. Maybe not the housekeeping, baby watching help I need, but what is ultimately positive. The desire to care and take an interest. That alone means a great deal and should not be discounted. It seems I can't add my name to the post otherwise, so, "hi, I'm Melissa, a proud rescue wife, and always open to support you"
ReplyDeleteCeleste and you others who stuck up for us here, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou can add a number 11. Don't call me and ask if I have heard from him today because you saw this story on the news about a new attack near him. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? This is one of the worst ones, and I have had it multiple times.
ReplyDeleteI am also a SAH military wife that has been through a deployment and year long remote. Yes we know what we are getting into. For those that say "suck it up" this list was not a whine as much as "try to use your head and think about what u say to us when our husband is deployed!" We suck it up 20+ times a day when we don't cry in front of our children or go postal on people when they say these things. Until u have been through this u don't know, if it wasn't for the spouses keeping things going on the home front they couldn't do their job of protecting the country!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your family's commitment to the safety and freedom of my own. Words can not express my gratitude. Hugs and prayers for you and your husband and children. Thank you and God Bless!
ReplyDeleteAWESOME!!! These are so right on the money! I was right there with #6! How many times could yous say, "I love you, I miss you, can't wait until you come home." Oh' sorry Mrs. A up top but you have to admit that you have gotten tired of these questions. I always told folks that I preferred to be treated like a single when they talked to me. Just don't ask about my husband. I AM THE ONE IN FRONT OF YOU!!! TALK TO ME AND ABOUT ME!!! We are no longer in the Army though. Thank you for YOUR service to your husband and country!
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you for such an insightful post. It is incredibly helpful to me, a non-military mom, to have a bit of light shed on your sacrifice as a wife and mother. I am incredibly grateful for our soldiers and their place in and for our country. But honestly, I have been in that position before, and from the bottom of my heart, I am sure that not all people have idiotic, are you kidding me?-type intentions. They hopefully mean well, but just don't, well, think and see things through the lens you do. Please give people who say the wrong things, but mean well a bit of grace when we screw up. It's kind of like going to a funeral...you want to say the right thing to the person(s) who's mourning, but are unsure of what is going to sound ridiculous or comforting. We are not in their shoes. Thank you for helping us understand what is helpful and what is hurtful in this type of situation. It is very much appreciated! May God keep His hand on you and your precious family...
ReplyDeleteMy husband is deployed right now also and we have three kids, 6 yr old and twins that are 4. I get most of these a lot, but as one of the comments from a non military spouse said, I always try to take them as a sincere expression of support. I always say that I do what has to done, so I may not have the cleanest house but the kids are taken care of. For people wondering what to send...peanuts cuz they don't melt, joke books, crosswords, games they can play with others, HOMEMADE cookies... things that will take their mind off of the task at hand for a short while and leave them rejuvinated. Those little activity boxes at Barnes & Noble are good. Cigars are good too. It is hard on me, but much harder on him. He has to miss his children growing up without him. He would rather be here helping me than gone there is no doubt in my mind. He came back from a deployment last August, and my daughter didn't warm back up to him for three months. Then he left in April again. It was so hard to watch the disappointment on my husband's face when she reacted that way, and it was the first thing he worried about when he got tasked again. It is a hard life, no doubt, but it can be done and everyone ends up stronger and more adaptable in the end.
ReplyDeleteHahaha!! Love this!! people have actually told me "well, you knew what you were getting yourself into"
ReplyDeleteJust finished a year-long deployment - our second. We DON'T live on a military installation so the questions are even more prevalent. The first deployment it would annoy me, but honestly... I don't really care anymore. People that I care about know what's going on, how I feel, what they need to do to help, etc. Everyone else usually means well but doesn't know what to say. No one can relate to what we go through unless they have gone/are going through it.
ReplyDeleteI second the comment about being career, though. Not everyone who joins the Army did it because they couldn't get into college or needed a trade. And not everyone stays in the Army because they can't hack it anywhere else. My husband has a masters degree and speaks 6 languages. He stays because the pay is great, the hours are good, and he can retire at 46. So those nay-sayers can suck it.
I'm more annoyed by spouses who complain when their husband is gone for a few hours/days and think that's license to hole up in their houses with the curtains drawn. That and military spouses in a certain service whose husbands have NEVER deployed and complain about things like the pool being closed odd hours or housing not returning their phone calls on time...
Thank you, Becky, and all military families for your sacrifice and service to our country. May your loved ones come home safe and sound.
ReplyDeleteAmen!! For those of us who live this life (and yes we knew what we were getting into and we're not crying about it - just amazed at other's insensitivity or lack of a brain to mouth filter) these are all things every one of us have dealt with and hate! Proud USAF wife here - and wouldn't change a thing - but these are great points!!!
ReplyDeletevery very true. but mine is closing out iraq right now so not only is there no skype, and there hasn't been the whole time over on his (5th) deployment, in a month there will be no phone and no mail. at all. people just don't understand the level of worry until you don't get to talk to your spouse at all for months at a time. and you know he is getting shot at and bombed on a daily basis. i fear the doorbell so much, there are no words.
ReplyDeleteProps to YOU & all the Spouses who damn near single-handedly keep things going while your spouse goes away for what probably seems like an eternity to protect the rights & privileges of the jackholes who say such stupid shit to you about them being gone. I marvel at your strength.
ReplyDeleteI get the same questions/comments all the time and it is really irritating and I feel the same way you do.
ReplyDeleteThanks Becky
@ Celeste Everyone's entitled to an opinion. If comments were not wanted in this we wouldn't be allowed to post.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, lighten up. I wish my hubby were mil so he'd go away for a while.
I guess its all in your perspective...
Best.Post.Ever! Seriously! I love it! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWhoever said #7 to you should seriously be kicked in the taco.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this amazing post - It's really helpful. My neighbor is in the Navy and he and his family have experienced long deployments on his part. I never knew what to say about that in the past, so I just kept telling his wife, "Let me know if you need anything." Next time he's deployed (and that's scheduled later this year), I'll be sure to specify that she can call me if she needs someone to watch the kids while she runs out for supplies and I'll know to call her if I'm going out for groceries to see if she needs anything.
The worst comments I got (mostly pre-deployment) were:
ReplyDeleteYou are going to need so much help, you can't do it alone.
Great. Just so happens that I don't have family and friends going out of their way to help so, yeah, I'm going to HAVE to do it on my own. Don't tell me what I can and can't do.
The best thing to say is always, "tell me what I can do to help" and then suggest some things you'd be happy to help with.
This is sooooo true, me and my husband were married on New Years Eve 2010 and he deployed for 6 months on March 3, 2011. I just happen to be 3 months pregnant when he deployed, his first baby and my second, I dealt with those 10 things on a daily basis while he was gone and I was a hormonal wreck!!!
ReplyDeleteAs a single mom whose ex lives on the other side of the country, I could related to several of these (right down to the Skyping -- that's how our daughter visits with her dad!). For people looking for ways to be supportive of a military spouse -- or any single parent, really -- the ideas in #4 are PERFECT. I am always so so so grateful to have an extra pair of hands or someone to hang out with my kid (who won't charge me $12/hour) so that I can get some stuff done!
ReplyDeleteBecky, please tell your husband "thank you" from my daughter and me for all the hard work he is doing on behalf of our country. Thank you for the sacrifices that you and your kids are making so that he can do that work. Blessings to your whole family!
As a military wife of 12 years, who's been through 3 deployments, I understand where you are coming from, but at the same time this is life as we know it, in this time of war. Honestly, I have heard other military wives say these very things to other military wives. I think most people have good intentions with their words or actions. You can't let the little things get to you. Yes, our everyday life is different than most people, but you take it day by day and make the best of it.
ReplyDeleteProud Army Wife,
~shannon
WOW...Really? Military or not military, life is hard! If people are genuinely being thoughtful or helpful than don't let there kind words annoy you! Worry about your real concerns! Your family...Try being positive! Try inviting spirituality and uplifting things into your world. I too have been through 5 deployments with 5 kids under age 8. Dealt with Cancer. I could go on and on but that wouldn't be positive. Instead of worrying about yourself, just lose yourself in service to others. Then you will be blessed and happy.
ReplyDeleteI am one of those people who might have said "I don't know how you do it." even though people say that to me about my autistic daughter and I am baffled by their meaning. I think it's a backhanded compliment of sorts. But anyway, it isn't always easy to know how people will feel about any given comment (even if meant well) if you haven't been in the same situation, so I am glad that you pointed out these 'no brainers' so I am more aware.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if someone said this already in the comments...but the best thing you can say to someone whose spouse is deployed..."Thank you."
ReplyDeleteAgreed!
DeleteAmen! This is perfect! You are so strong and thank you so much for writing this. I live in the DC area and you would think that being here where something like 60% of people are connected to government service in some way they would have better sense on this. Oh well, they're trying to be kind....just not the thing you want to hear when you're hanging by a thread anyway.
ReplyDeleteI only have one child (a 10 month old) and I'm not a military spouse, but a Diplo-spouse. My husband is also not in danger, so I feel very lucky. But....it's horrible. I work full time and at times am just hanging by a thread. The not sitting till 9:30 is sooooo true! Sometimes I wish my friends would just volunteer to take the baby like you said and I always feel guilty asking for help. I feel like I need so much from them, not having family around to help, and grateful for what they do, but I have no way to pay them back for their kindness or let them know how I appreciate them.
If anyone has suggestions on how to say thank you properly when you don't even have time to shower (much less write thank yous or get gifts), I'd love to know.
Thank you anyway for your honesty and to Rants for posting this!!
A big thank you to all those in public service jobs/careers, especially those who risk their lives everyday (military & non), and the families who couragously support them.
Hi Becky...I truly hope that you have your husband read this. I think it's important that he knows about the kids barfing, dishwasher breaking, etc.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, I don't mean to downplay his efforts in our world even the tiniest bit, but I would bet my life that he's there, also hoping that you are all safe and sound, and that when he gets to come home, you will all be there, healthy and happy.
He couldn't stand to be without you (and everything you do) in the same way you couldn't stand to lose him.
Grown up navy brat here! For those that are wondering on the things to say, I think the "I don't know how you do it" comes across much better to people when you tag a few extra words on to the end..........meaning "I don't know how you do it SO WELL/GRACEFULLY/BEAUTIFULLY. I don't think I could do it AS WELL AS YOU DO." :) Because isn't that what we really mean? I know it's what I mean when I say it to me my mom now looking back!
ReplyDeleteOh goodness, I need to rant along too ... my personal favorite things for people to say are
ReplyDelete1) I know how you feel! My husband was gone all last week for a business trip and it was awful! (Oh yeah, a week ... a year ... same thing.)
and
2) be sure to tell your husband thank you for his sacrifice! (Yeah, I'll get right on that ... as soon as I finish the laundry, the yard, the dishes, the shopping, changing the baby, paying the bills, not sleeping ... it's a sacrifice for the rest of us too!)
Military wife here ... husband gone again ... sigh.
I don't know how it feels to be a wife of a deployed army man but I do know how it feels to a child of a deployed dad. I was the oldest of 3 kids, so it was my job to help my mom with everything I remember helping her balance the check book to practice math. I remember becoming her best friend and I'm still that way. We moved back to the small home town that my parents grew up in when my day got shipped over seas and it took to long for quarters. I remember coming home in tears because the other kids would tell me that my dad was dead or that my parents were divorced but didn't want to tell us. I was over a year before we were able to even see him again. And believe me it was so weird to have him back in our everyday life.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that can get a mil wife thru ANOTHER deployment is a crazy sense of humor! It's all we got!! it's not a sense of entitlement; it's a red white and blue way of looking at things. We have a different life than any other wife on the planet.
ReplyDeleteOther single parents (many who chose that option) don't live with the dread of having uniforms show up at their door. they probably haven't had those particular nightmares.
My husband is gone the for the third time this year and when I see a certain white top vehicle drive down my road, my heart stops for just a second. i'm sorry but non-mil types just don't understand the fear of answering your own front door. and if we can crack a joke to relieve some of that stress MORE POWER to us!
Now can you post a list for neighbors and community members to help out with things while your spouse is gone? I have had 1 day to myself since he has been gone in 9 months. Oh yeah, I spent that day in a conference because they didn't have childcare. The community is good about sending stuff to our spouses overseas, but I am ready to be on the receiving end. We sacrifice so much and sometimes we just need to be lifted up, encouraged, supported, and know that others care for what we are doing to support the war effort. This is our sixth deployment since 9/11
ReplyDeleteWhat a great way to inject a little humor in an otherwise frustrating way of life. My husband is AD USN, once AGAIN deployed....THIS time to Afghanistan, but was in Iraq last year, has been on ships....gone more in the last 17 years than at home, so I know JUST how you feel. We have an 8yo and a 3yo, who DO know Dad is gone, and each deal with it differently. THANK YOU, thank you for this post....I'm going to share it on FB, so my friends and family can know just what it's like. God Bless you!
ReplyDeleteThank you becky for this wonderful post and saying the things i have wanted to say so often. I was born into the military when soldiers were spit upon and had garbage thrown on them. This was the thanks my father saw from his country. it was hard for a 10 year old to see that happen. I never thought when i got married that my husband would serve his country in the military. But after 9-11 he decided that he had to give back to his country in some way. He joined the reserves in June of 05 and left on our 30th anniversary to iraq. He is now on our 2nd deployment in Afghanistan. The first time the questions were not too bad except when they found out he was in the green zone in Iraq their reply was Well he is not in danger there. He had rockets and mortars everyday! Now in Afghanistan, when they hear his MOS, psychologist with a Combat Stress Center they say "at least he is not on the front lines". It really gets me riled. Every speck of sand in that place is the front lines stupid! Then i explain to them all the things he does without. Tell them when they flush the toliet that it is a luxury for our men and women to do that in Afghanistan. It just gets me started. Thank you so much becky for ranting for all us wives. I have lived it from the eyes of a kid to now a wive with three kids, two grandbabies who all miss their dad and pap=pap. We are strong and yes a little help here at home is a great gift to the spouses here at home. We appreciate anything people can do to help. God bless!
ReplyDeleteSeriously? I know it's hard hearing the same questions/comments over and over again; and I know some of them people didn't think through before asking them... but really. People are trying to make conversation. They mean well, even if it doesn't sound that way from your end. You may as well tell people your hubby doesn't exist if you don't want anyone to ever come up with these questions. Stop thinking people are out to beat you down with their words, and focus instead on the love that provokes these people to make these comments. Chances are they are struggling to find the right words just as much as you are struggling to hear the right words. My hubby was a Over The Road truck driver for a while, and I dealt with several of those comments. It comes with the territory.
ReplyDeleteHere's one to add to the list: I once had a fellow military spouse, one whose husband has never deployed, actually imply that the emotional struggles we deal with are no more important than the ones spouses whose husbands DON'T deploy go through. AND this was said to me THE DAY MY HUSBAND LEFT. Way to kick someone when their down, right? Because after all, the fact her soldier has to work late is the same as mine not coming home at all. The worry of if maybe their weekend plans will get changed is the same as the worry of if I'm going to get that knock on the door. And while I don't discount the fact that we all go through our own junk, the junk of a deployed spouse IS different and only understood by those that have gone through it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the wife of a soldier, so I cannot say that I fully understand a day in the life (as most of the people making these comments clearly cannot either). My brother-in-law and brother are both Army Rangers, and I do my best to offer all of the support I possibly can from home - but I do not feel that this entitles me to complain when people MEANING WELL might stumble with the right words to show THEY CARE. Maybe your mindset needs to change, or maybe you could offer the public some words of wisdom on the correct responses? You seem to reject both condolences, and indifference. How arrogant to complain when someone offers an invitation or asks for suggestions on a care package for your husband..can you honestly not see the heart behind it? It's funny that you find the public condescending, considering the public should shut their mouths unless they're going to do one of the following: 1) babysit your kids 2) buy your milk 3) take out your trash (and bring it back in) 4) make dinner 5) clean the dishes. I think you're sending the wrong message - that it's best to IGNORE army wives, rather than tip-toeing around fragile feelings & running the high risk of hurting them. I don't mean to be insensitive or rude, but I disagree with your attitude - I will continue to go out on a limb and say SOMETHING/ANYTHING before saying NOTHING. If not now, maybe someday further down the road, that person will realize my intentions were good. Hoping for the safe return of all of your loved ones, Someone who Cares.
ReplyDeleteSo I am way late to this party, but I was having a rough day and decided to google "Military Wife Rant" and this came up first, hilarious and so, so true! Especially the part about the "at least he's not on the ground" thing as my husband is also in the air. I have to also add the thing I hate the absolute most (this happens WAY too much) is my non military friends calling and complaining endlessly about their hubbys or BFs leaving for a work trip for like a week. One friend called my accross the country to cry when her BF left for a long weekend with his friends. I was 4 months into an Iraq deployment at the time. REALLY?! You are barking up the wrong tree if you are looking for sympathy from me!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, you cheered me up so thanks! I'll be sending this around to friends and family next deployment :)
SO what 10 things should you say? (Considering I am the aunt of a niece whose husband is waiting on his 1st deployment any day now.)
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why this is any different than other couples go through. My husband works away from home, is gone for unspecified amounts of time doing a job that is considered extremely dangerous. He has been trapped on the top of a mountain between two fires and his whereabouts unknown for days. There have been times when I have not known whether he was alive or not. We have four boys in which I have done 90% of the raising. My husband was unable to be there for the last pregnancy and birth. I do not remember the last time he was able to attend a concert or parent teacher conference. I have had to bundle all four boys up and go to the store as we do not live in a town with any family. I've had to go out and fall trees for firewood, load up the horses and mules to pack an elk out, change the oil in the vehicles along with dishes, laundry, parenting, homework, taking the garbage out and plowing snow. I guess the reason I'm ranting is because my nephew was just deployed. He and his wife are very young parents of a two year old and one on the way. She keeps posting things on facebook about how nobody would understand because they aren't military and "it's a military thing". Her latest post had something to do with women whining about husbands/boyfriends being gone for a weekend and that they have no right to bitch, try deployment. I don't want to say anything to her because it would upset my nephew but this girl needs to understand that you don't have to be a military wife to endure hardship. Last year alone, I physically saw my husband less than 70 days out of the entire year. My nephew will be deployed for 6-7 months. She's whining about maybe having to have the baby without him home. My husband was on top of a mountain, no cell service, working when our last boy was born. I have the upmost respect for the military, I actually come from a military family. My dad was a marine. I guess what I want to know is why do some military wives act or treat non-military like we do not know what it is like? I've actually been told (when my husband was unable to be found on a fire) that the likelihood of his survival was very small. All rescue efforts had been halted. I had to sit with four little boys for two days without knowing. To top it off, he had to leave on another fire straight from there and we didn't get to see him for almost four months. Yet my nephews wife says I don't understand. I understand she's offensive.
ReplyDeleteDear Anon of April,
ReplyDeleteYou DO understand. Your husband is in selfless service as well and you are supporting him and your kids as he does his work. There, really, are very few professions this is true in. You joined the ranks of the few couples who do understand long ago.
Thank your husband for his service.
You and I both know it is a very small community.
Being in the weird place of first supporting my husband during deployment and now my son and his wife, I get it.
Thank you and all of you who are doing it now.
I have to disagree with this post. I'm a enlisted mother and wife. My husband use to be in the military as well. I am currently deployed and he's at home taking care of my 15 year old daughter and the kicker is we've been married less than a year. No one has offered to come mow our lawn, do our shopping, some other kind task that he'd do regardless of whether or not I was gone. He's a stay at home parent now. That is his job. And when I was home by myself with a child and a previous husband was deployed no one offered to do any of the above things for me either. Do you know why? Because I'm a independant woman and I can handle my business. While sometimes it is nice to have help I don't expect someone to come and take care of my responsibilities. It kills me how some spouses feel so entitle to that help. There are people outside of the military that have demanding jobs and the spouse of those people don't expect someone from their company to come and mow the yard, take out the trash or check on them to make sure they are ok. They expect their exployees to have spouses that can take care of their responsibilities. The military is a very sheltered community as much as a lot of spouses would like to think their lives are so difficult. The fact is that they have a community that enables dependence. So please stop the complaining. No one forced you to marry a military membe and no ones forced you to have 3 children all under the ages of 5. Single parents live their lives like this all the time so please ladies get off your high horse.
ReplyDelete