Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Why Being a Mom is so Gross

And why is it warm?
I deal with disgusting crap all the time. Its one of the things no one tells you about parenting. That within ten minutes of becoming a mom you will begin constantly dealing with things that would make most Marines puke. 

I had no idea, but I have come to accept it as normal.  In fact, in addition to being somewhat famous for being a giant boobstain - I am also well known for the fact that I am so gross that I have no idea what other people think is nasty.  And so I say disgusting things all the time like it's no big deal and people are actually turning green all around me and I'm totally oblivious.

Hence the saying: "Oh. That was gross, wasn't it?"*

*I say at least ten times a day.

Here's why. My life is a constant struggle to minimize chaos and to wipe up other people's body fluids.
And that's why my threshold for such things is so high.  Here are some examples. You can even vote on them. In fact, please vote on them. Because it will let me know I'm not alone in this. That it's not just me mired in the sticky, foul-smelling miasma of family life.

Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

72 comments:

  1. The turd kinda threw me but I must say, I handle animal crap much better than the little peoples. Although I have found turds from various furry children in the washing machine before. That was fun... And soft... And gooey... And so needed a rewash. How this *ish* happens is beyond me.

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  2. If it makes you feel better, I'm a mom AND I have a farm. I am done with your list by 9 am and moved on to fun things like "OH! What are you eating???"
    "THAT does NOT come in the house! I don't care what you named it." "What animal is that from?" and - my personal fav - "Eww. Is that out of the pig bucket? Put it back."

    Bleach is my friend.
    I have hosed them off on the porch.
    I am always SO glad when the mud they come in with is actual mud.

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  3. Thought it was gonna say turd in the bathtub not washing machine! LOL disgusting and hilarious

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  4. I must be seriously jaded, because the grossest thing on the list to me was the booger eating.

    Something with other people's kid's spit (or just other people's spit) would have made me throw up in my mouth too, but my own kid's spit? Not even a quiver on the gag reflex.

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  5. I once had my nearly 5yo, because he was mad at me, stand next to the toilet and crap in his pants after not going for nearly a week, and then rub it into everything in the bathroom. While I was 2 months pregnant. The smell was so horrible, it started me on waves of vomit. Did I mention this was the ONLY bathroom? So, I spent the 6 hours between finding it, and the husband coming home, cleaning a bit, till the smell got to me, vomiting in a bucket, then going back to cleaning while still gagging.

    Needless to say, the kid was in huge trouble after I recovered from the dehydration.

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  6. The moment I raised my "OMG THIS IS THE GROSSEST FARKING THING I"VE EVER DONE" bar:

    Toddler boy cries, "SKETTI!" and starts reaching for a pile of white on the floor of the kitchen. The brand-new puppy had just barfed up WORMS. Squirming, live white worms. Baby wants to EAT THEM. I grab a somewhat-used paper towel and scoop up said worms and toss in trash. THEN the veterinarian (in response to my frantic call) says I need to BRING THE WORMS with me to his office. So I take little toddler, preschooler girl, puppy AND ziplok baggie of worms to the vet.
    Yeah. After that, NOTHING could gross me out.
    Nothing.
    --kate in Michigan

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  7. I've got a few more to add:

    - Having two geriatric cats with digestive, potty and hygiene issues.
    - Cleaning out the pet carriers after taking said geriatric (and car-phobic) cats to the vet.
    - Having a child with a serious gag reflex, who spit up for his entire first year of life (we called him our Klingon son, Barf).
    - Doing my almost-teenage boy's laundry after a week at Boy Scout camp. Eeeek, where's MY merit badge? And my gas mask and gloves??
    - Smelling the same almost-teenage boy's sneakers after a week at Boy Scout camp (Febreeze, I love you!).
    - Doing preteen girl laundry after a soccer game in the mud.
    - Cleaning out the back seat of the car after a family road trip, and finding UFOs (Unidentifiable Food-like-once-upon-a-time Objects) in every nook and cranny).

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  8. Love it! My dog gets carsick. all.over.the.back.of.the.car. yet refuses to lay down. Ugh!!!!!

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  9. I swear I will never look under the couch cushions again. I will just buy a new freaking couch.

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  10. Kate - not *the* KateSeptember 21, 2011 at 8:57 AM

    Cleaning smeared dog crap off of six year old's BARE foot.

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  11. I have to agree with Kate in Michigan-after cleaning up doggie worms, nothing registers on the gross radar. I just having a dog before kids really does prepare you!

    -leah in SC

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  12. I think Kate in MI with the dog worms wins.

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  13. I can handle most anything the kids throw at me, just let it hit the wall. You can put gloves on to clean it up. If you catch it, it's on you. And I'm always the one to clean up after the puking or diarrhea. The dog pretty much cleans up his own puke, and I can pay the kids to clean up his poop. So in the almost 9 years that I've been a Mom I haven't really tossed my cookies. However. A couple of months ago, we had a particularly nasty tummy bug in our house. Every farking one of us was puking at the same time. And I was the one cleaning it up. And my son thought it would be a good idea to eat Chinese food. Go ahead, take a drink of something. Cause when you throw up in your mouth it sort of burns. I haven't even been able to think about moo goo gai pan since then without gagging. See? I just did. Ugh.

    I loved the "you got it from the pig bucket?" That was awesome. And Kate in MI, I think I would have tossed the puppy in the trash. ;)

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  14. I've also dunk and swished cloth diapers while on vacation. I figure the potty water *was* clean and the water to poop ratio keeps me safe enough until I can make it to the sink. My husband has also caught vomit so that it didn't end up on my pillow. Now that's love.

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  15. I have learned to NEVER EVER smell a child's feet, shoes, or blankie...
    BTW, the puppy worm thing someone posted was gross, and I don't get grossed out easily :)

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  16. Imagine being both a mom AND a teacher. Nothing like cleaning up after a child that is not your own. Motherhood is good training.

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  17. I vomited in my mouth when my girlfriend told me her little boy was on the bathroom floor in Target and while she was in the middle of peeing he licked the drain cover. You know, the drain that catches the overflow!

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  18. OH gosh. This is hysterical. The grossest thing so far (he's only 2) has been the poop in the tub and I pulled the plug cause I freaked out, and husband scooped the poop out of the drain with a spoon. It was awesome.

    Oh and another kid coughed on me and I ran for the sanitizer. My kid pukes down my shirt and i wipe it off with my hand. No biggie.

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  19. Geez, is that all?? 'What are YOU eating is the worst here.....I have found cat poop and a June bug in my sons mouth before. Just wiped and rinsed and prayed, and went on. The poop all over the bathroom, in the tub, in the wash, smeared in the carpet, yeah, you got it......everywhere. I don't even flinch anymore!

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  20. How 'bout knowing you bought pork chops at the grocery story.....finding them by smell two days later...green, under the blanket and campchairs in the back of the mini van. No one wanted to go anywhere for days.
    Or when you are snuggling that sweet, sick toddler on your chest and they vomit the warm grape pedialite they just drank all over you and the chair you are in. I'll never drink grape anything as long as I live....
    The joys of being Mommy!

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  21. Crap. Not a single one of those things even made me flinch.

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  22. NEVER open a sippy cup that you find in the van, under the couch, in the toy box, etc. THROW IT AWAY!

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  23. I love to tell the story of the entire family having the flu, and me sitting on the toilet having diarrhea and vomiting in a garbage can while my toddler was straddling me puking all over my chest. Such a cocktail party favorite!

    And then there was the time my other son emptied his poopy diaper in his crib and used it like paint to decorate himself and his crib...

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  24. Finding turd amongst my 7- and 10- year olds Legos.

    Both said it was the neighbor child's fault, but really... WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME WHEN IT HAPPENED?! Why did I have to pick up the pieces of Legos from my floor to realize the brown "Lego" in my hand WAS NOT a plastic brick?!

    There was no disinfectant left in the house that day.

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  25. Moms have stomachs of steel and cast-iron willpower, and the patience of Job. Otherwise, the kids would never survive the first 2 years of life.

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  26. I am sitting at the table drinking my tea and crying because I am laughing so hard. I love this blog.

    How about having your nine month old power vomit directly down your shirt and into your cleavage?

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  27. Nope, none of that scares me. I went through 3 full years of a very young child having extreme anxiety and only eating Pediasure. When he was upset, that whole bottle of Pediasure was puked all over the only person who would hold and comfort him knowing full well they'd be covered in the stuff. ME! I have to say, our poor car also got her fair share of the stuff.

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  28. Nothing on the poll rated hit the level of passing out and calling protective services. The pet ones ranked the highest for me and if cleaning up dog worms had been on the list, that would have been it. But that's because I hate animals. Loathe. I never want to see another dog for the rest of my life. Cats I can take or leave, I loved mine dearly and miss her every day but I just can't stand the idea of animals. Maybe it's because I don't need another mouth to feed or more poop to scoop. The ONLY reason I tolerate kids is because I know they'll grow out of it one day and will be scooping my poop :D

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  29. My toddlers like to paint with their poop. Did you ever have poop pictures on your walls? Poop is really good finger paint apparently. Worse than that? Stepping in dog poop barefoot. Nothing like having your foot smell like decaying Alpo.

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  30. Last night we were eating dinner and watched as the cat vomited up a huge hairball right in front of us. I got up, grabbed a paper towel, picked up the hairball, tossed it in the trash, washed my hands and went back to dinner. At 9 months pregnant with our 1st child, I think that this is a sign of readiness to have kid more than the effacement and dilation of my cervix!

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  31. boy's feet. they aren't so bad when they are little, it's when they hit the magic teen years that the smell is grosser than gross. especially when they take them off and then place the bioweapon's grade funk into the washing machine and close the lid. nope not washing them, just containing them for me to discover a day or two later.
    and that's not even the grossest thing moms face.

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  32. The Target drain cover, for the win, I think. Although doggie worms are pretty bad.

    To the one who mentioned the dunk and swish method for cloth diapers - wait, that's gross? I never thought of it that way... looks like our vacation just got messier! :-p

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  33. The grossest thing that ever happened to me wasn't even kid- or pet-related! I took the dog outside barefoot one time & stepped on a FROG who was on the back stoop! There is nothing more disgusting than feeling bones crunch underfoot. I still cringe at the thought!

    Boys aren't then't the only ones with severe foot aroma. 2 of my nieces & my daughter all dance. And they don't wear socks in those fancy leather dance shoes. I go thru a bottle of peppermint deodorant shoe spray each season!!

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  34. ew to the dog worms. ew ew ew.
    as a new-ish mom, i've had a taste of "the foul-smelling miasma of family life" too (best phrase ever, lydia!). my four-month-old was babbling sweetly, i leaned in for a kiss, and he threw up in my mouth.
    ugh.

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  35. How about having a toddler poo in the bathtub (but not seen thanks to Mr. Bubbles and an abundance of toys in the tub) and then having your toddler throw said poo right at you? Yep, that was my experience and my "ewww...gross" moment of being a mom. I can handle puke on me, down my shirt, etc., dog puke/poo - not a problem. But having poo thrown at me by my sweet toddler- Dis.Gus.Ting.

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  36. My 1 year old nephew vomited formula on me in a NYC cab, 120+ blocks from home. Thankfully, I didn't flinch but I thought my daughter was going to lose her schmidt (lightweight)...

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  37. My worst was when the dog ate a load of horse poo, then vomited it up an hour later over the gear stick while I was driving. It had the smell and consistency of cow poo by then.

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  38. grossest thing i ever found tumbling out of my hot dryer was a now-petrified rock-blob of a *snail*. i'd almost have rather found poop in there.

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  39. i've had the painting-with-poop and DON'T EAT THE SCRAPS OFF THE CHICKEN COOP FLOOR! situations too.

    ... and i'm eating lunch as i read this. lol.

    o mommyhood, how thy have changed me.

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  40. My husband and I were just talking about how nothing the kids do will ever be as disgusting as the dog. She had a poop eating habit and once went to the top of the couch and threw up poo-filled vomit over the entire living room. So, so foul.

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  41. I have, sadly, done ALL of these things before, including the turd in the washing machine.

    My favorite though is that my dogs eat each other's poop. And then sometimes throw it up on the rug. And you can guess what that looks and smells like. It makes the stuff my kids do seem inconsequential.

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  42. My parents adopted my little brother when I was a teenager, and aside from being excellent birth control, he prepared me for child rearing...including when he had rotovirus and I went to get him out of the carseat and he pooped...into my hand (and it COVERED my hand. Filled. It.) NOTHING my kids have done has topped that. Nothing.

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  43. I teach two year olds at a preschool. ' Nuff said.

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  44. When my daughter was around a year old, I caught her licking and chewing something. I hadn't given her anything to eat on, so of course I go and ask her "what's in your mouth?" and she spits something into her hand and hands it to me. Apparently she'd fished a turd out of her diaper and deemed it needed to be taste tested. I washed my hands *gagging* bathed her and brushed her teeth three times. It was weeks before I could get kisses from her without gagging.

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  45. I must have a stomach of steel. I've read these while eating lunch, and while some are definitely high on the gross meter, they didn't make me gag or anything....I guess it's attributed to growing up with a bunch of boys, having three kids, and a husband who likes to try to gross me out daily!

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  46. In the past month I experienced one of my toddlers eating a goldfish that had dropped in a pool of pee in his potty chair, the horrific smell and sight of curdled milk in a sippy cup that had stayed in the car in 100+F temperatures for three days, and my five year old son crying out that his sister "just peed in his eye!" when she sat on his face and her diaper leaked. Ewww!

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  47. When our 3 yr old gets sick, she wants her daddy to hold her and then she pukes down his back. Never fails. Now when she gets a fever he changes into swim trunks and when she asks him to pick her up they just go stand in the bathtub. Glad she's a "daddy's girl"....lol.

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  48. I have always said that the moment I knew I was a mother was when I caught my son's (Pukilicious) vomit in my hands because it was easier to clean them than the carpet.

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  49. When my son was a crawler we were renting a house in the country. Our landlord (also neighbor) had pet chickens. (I flipping HATE chickens). My son crawled THROUGH chicken crap to a fresh pile and ate it. Chicken sh!t all over his cute little legs and hands and down his gullet. In case you didn't know this, chickens eat everything. Including their own poop and the month old chicken nugget I threw at them while cleaning my van. Disgusting cannibals.

    Now, 6 years later we live on a pond that has a vast array of critters for the boy to play with (torture). We went into his room a few weeks ago to a smell that damn near knocked us over. Turns out he brought a turtle in to keep as a pet. Rancid nasty turtle poopy water that had the consistency of stew. Hubby puked. I shrugged. Hubby also puked when he had to dispose of the hermit crab that had expired. Apparently when crabs (I totally can't say crabs without giggling. I'm soooo mature!) die, they fall out of their shell and rot. Smells awesome too!

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  50. The only time my daughter ever pooped in the tub happened to be the one time I was in there with her. Yeah, thanks. Also, we live on a dairy farm so our dog frequently drags fresh cow placentas onto our grass for us to randomly step on in bare feet during the summer. At least he doesn't poop on the grass.
    The Target floor licker really got to me though.

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  51. OK I gotta share my grossest MOMents now.

    Roadtrip from TX to GA, we were moving so the entire car was packed with crap. 3yr old pukes up McDonald's hamburger & apple juice. He was covered, everything else was covered. So much crap it was impossible to clean it all up. The rest of the trip our car smelled like puke and febreeze.

    Another trip. We got back after being gone for a month and apparently the power had gone off. Everything in the deep freeze and fridge was rotten, bloated, and green. We could smell it from the street when we pulled up. Filled up FIVE 100L trash bags cleaning it all up. We had to take turns because the smell was that horrific. I gagged the whole time. I still can't use a certain cleaner because it reminds me of that moment.

    Picked a dead roach out of my toddler's mouth. I saw the leg poking out, which lead to my exploration of the matter. Only half was left.

    All the other pukefests and blowouts were par for the course. I had a lot of fun reading the comments!!

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  52. I am totally sitting outside my therapists office laughing my ass off! Oooooh how I love to read this stuff!

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  53. I was at a local fruit/veggie market the other day when lady came in with an infant strapped to her chest, a 2 yo in the cart, and a 4-5 yr old in tow. Said 5 yo sneezed while his mom's back was turned. Blew snot all over his hand which he proceeded to lick off and then he wiped his hand on his shirt. He saw me catch him and just smiled sweetly. I calmly told his mother he needed to wash his hands & why while fighting the urge to gag.

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  54. So... I'm not a Mom but nothing grosses me out cuz I'm a nurse. And I just graduated. So that means as a nursing student I got stuck the nastiest patients. You gotta learn somewhere...

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  55. I found a turd in the washing machine several years ago (like 12) and I have kept it a secret until right now. I feel so much better knowing I am not the only one! Also, I sat through a meeting the other night watching a little boy pick his nose then wipe the boogs on the plastic chair he was sitting on. It was rough. I would rather watch a kid eat his boogs. At least then they're gone and you can't keep glancing at them like I did with the trail of mucus this kid left.

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  56. OMG. I really, really thought I was gonna win with the puppy worms / toddler comment.

    But cow placentas? Chicken crap? Bloated, green food? ROACHES?

    Ok, I give. You all are tougher than I am.
    --kate in MI

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  57. I caught my dogs poop twice! My hubs is somewhat lazy and the puppy had to go really bad. He was literally putting on his shoes to take the dog for her walk and I had the plastic bag. The dog turned and squatted in front of me and I saw it in time to stick the bag under her butt in time to catch the poop. Oh yeah I should mention my "puppy" at this time was a 50 pound German Shepard Akita mix. Oh yeah once she got into some chocolate and got the runs, at night, under our bed. We then have the "WHAT IS THAT SMELL AND WHERE IS IT COMING FROM HUNT" turns out she sprayed the wall, dust cover and carpet under the bed in the middle of the night, we had to pull the bed away from the wall to find it....3 days later. yuck

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  58. My son pooped on me when he was a baby and I had him in the bathtub with me. My daughter pooped on me and it landed on my knee, rolled down my leg and landed on my foot. I swear it was in slow motion and all I could do is watch it. My daughter loves to puke on me. She's really good at getting my neck. You have boobstains, I have puke stains. So, when are you going to start talking about the gross stuff? Wait! WHUCK!? I'm being gross now aren't I? LOL

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  59. I am a kindergarten teacher, and the worst one I had was when I kid came in from the bathroom and told me that someone had left it messy. I looked in there was sloppy poop all over the floor and toilet. It smelled so awful I couldn't stand to be by the door. I didn't remember who had been in there last and asked the students and this one kid was just standing there, and he had poop dripping down his leg. I made him walk on the tile out of the room to go to the office and he was dripping poop all the way. I tried to cover up a piece with a tissue so the kids wouldn't step in it and almost puked from the smell. It smelled so badly that the whole class had to leave the room until custodial came and disinfected. So yucky!!!

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  60. The turd in the washing machine is gross because I live in an apartment building where we share the washing machines and dryers.
    Honestly that would be extremely foul.

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  61. I am raising the Ringling Brothers, and the other day as i was preparing to towel off after my shower, just as I was about to bury my face in *my* towel, I saw it. A skid mark. ON MY TOWEL! WTF? I know I didn't leave that there! So, I marched downstairs dripping wet and naked (quite a sight!) to cuss out the 3 Ringlings and their father. "DO YOU SEE THIS POOP STAIN ON MY TOWEL?" "yup" "WHO DID THIS?" "dunno, why you naked?" "BECAUSE THERE IS SOMEONE ELSE'S KAKADOODIE ON MY TOWEL AND I ALMOST GOT IT ON MY FACE!!!!!!!" Of course, no one gives a rat's ass that I almost got poo on my face or that the smear means that they don't EVER actually wash their ass in the shower because they were watching Phineas and Ferb for the 10 billionth time. So I turned to their father and said "Can you believe this?!?" and he said "Well, it's kind of hard to take you seriously when you're naked and screaming and all jiggly like that." Ummmmm, WHAT? Oh, forget IT! So, I just turned the towel around and hung it on someone else's hook and told them all that this week we were playing poop towel roulette. I keep my towel in my closet now. Buttholes.

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  62. Wow. I deal with most of that on a daily basis. At least the kid and dog part. The last geriatric cat passed a year ago but now I'm dealing with a geriatric dog with arthritis who prefers to poop on the carpet than outside. And a 15 month old and a 6 year old. And a husband.

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  63. When my firstborn was about 10 weeks old she got this horrible cold and could not breathe through her nose to nurse and screamed because she was hungry and made herself more congested... by early AM we were beyond desperate and the stupid nose-sucky thing wasn't working on her teeny nose. So. I. Covered her nose with my mouth and sucked hard. Spit into a tissue and settled down to nurse a happy baby and bask in the shock and awe of my husband. Since then, it's fair to say I'm bulletproof in the grossout department. I wouldn't pull that trick on a 3 year old, though - I have my limits.

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  64. I had a dog once that got some sort of intestinal worm and while my husband and I were at work, her butt EXPLODED. She aimed it out of her cage too, so there was poo all over the living room. And blood. That was fun. I think the worst with my daughter (which actually wasn't all that bad) was when she accidentally pooped on the floor while pulling down her pants to get on the toilet to go poop, and then called me into the bathroom. I thought she wanted a wipe, but she wanted to tell me there was poop on the floor. And she let me know after I stepped on it.

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  65. Initforthehappy, please please PLEASE tell me you have a blog I can stalk! Funny stuff! I had to stop eating while reading your comment so I didn't choke on a dumpling! And since no one is here to administer the heimlich maneuver, choking on a dumpling would not end well.

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  66. Kudos to all of you. You do what you have to. I have a very strong gag reflex. While I've never actually puked, I have pulled muscles trying to deal with it.

    Grossest moment for me was with my Mom and not my baby. She had MS and prior to her colostomy she needed help pooping. So imagine yourself putting on a latex glove and digging out the poop. And then find that the glove doesn't really work. How that happened, I don't know. Surgery was shortly after that. Best thing I ever did for the both of us.

    Anonymous at September 22, 2011 12:48 PM -- that is love.

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  67. Oh, I should Not read this posting before dinner! LOL! Ok, I checked either "come on, " or "Par for the course" to ALL of these because I've done ALL of them more than once. And once found a turd under the kitchen table while I was potty training the baby.... and it was an old one, like at least had been there a day and no.one.noticed. Not even me. AND, there's always a half eaten dehydrated carrot behind the couch. For the past ten and a half years. And the other day I found a ball under the car's front seat while cleaning it out (which hadn't been done for a while.). Only when I pulled it out, it wasn't a ball. It was a completely mummified dessicated orange. Perfect, still smelling of orange, and completely dried out. (it was under the seat in front of the toddler's seat, so this makes sense now.) And that bit's not so much disgusting as interesting-as-a-science-project, but the gushy apple I found under the other seat was. So, yeah, we get it. You just need to talk to other MOMS more.

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  68. Okay, this is really gross but helped prepare me for mommyhood, so...

    One night my husband and i went to a Chinese buffet and he ate himself silly. We then went home and he and his friends drank themselves into stupors - seriously, vast amounts of alcohol. It came time to put hubby to bed and suddenly he started feeling sick. He only made it as far as the bathroom sink and vomited so much that it FILLED the sink. AND - and! - it was so thick and chunky and full of blobs of chinese food that the sink wouldn't drain.

    So i put on a rubber glove, grabbed a plastic Solo cup, and scooped the barf out of the sink and dumped it in the toilet, one cupful at a time. I had to dig chunks of food out of the sink drain. The smell was indescribable.


    By comparison, my toddler's first puke (spaghetti) the other night was barely a blip on the grossness radar.

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  69. Kara, that is UNCONDITIONAL love right there. I would have closed the door and told him to clean it up when he awoke from his stupor the next day, or just when he next needed the bathroom.

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  70. House/dog sitting for 1 week for friends. Dog was on antibiotics for a uninary tract infection. Come to find out, dog allergic to said antibiotics. Came home to find that the (big) dog had literally thrown up in EVERY room in the house...on the carpets. One puke was literally from one end of the room to the other...I think she must have been walking and puking at the same time. NOT EVEN MY DOG!

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  71. The Mom raising the Ringling Bros. is one of the funniest things I've ever read. Kate and Lydia need to sign you on as a guest writer. I think for me..licking the Target drain wins. Whuck?! Gag!

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  72. WHUCK, indeed! LOL! LOL! I can't get over this article. You describe me. Please advise.

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