Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Why I Should Not Ever Drive

Last year, I discussed how I fall victim to distracted driving all the damn time and how it is very bad and dangerous and worse than driving drunk and how basically I am an unsafe at any speed a-hole. Remember this?

Last week I got rear-ended by a 21 year old in her new BMW.  There is just nothing right about that sentence.  I for one, do not enjoy a rear-ending.  But by a 21 year old in a brand new luxury sedan? NO NO NO.  Fortunately there was absolutely no harm done to either vehicle and I went around feeling smug for two days until I got distracted by my friend walking her kids to school and my maniacal waving at them out my window and I came this close to rear-ending another mom in line at the Kiss & Ride.  Sigh. 

My name is Lydia and I am a distracted driver and I hate that about myself.

But I have started to realize that it isn't entirely my fault. At least not all the time. The thing about driving with a million screaming kids in your car is that you have to be a zen master or Cesar Milan or something not to be distracted all the time.

Need some examples? Here are some additional things that cause Distracted Mom Driving:
  • Dealing with questions related to having to pee, being hungry and asking for drinks approximately three seconds after pulling out of the driveway.
  • Having to referee the grade-school equivalent of the Tyson/Holyfield fight while also merging onto the interstate. And I don't have a handy person nearby to sew an ear back in pla -- oh? really? He's still missing his ear...ahh.
  • Having to turn the car around as I realized forgot backpack/soccer uniform/school project/coupons.
  • "No McDonalds. Don't even look at it. Don't even say McDonalds. Fine. Then just eat the french fries from under your sister's car seat. They're not that old."
  • Making a concerted effort to convince the children that you told the other motorists to “FUNK OFF.”
  • Futzing with the radio so it will tell you which roads to avoid because otherwise traffic will eat you alive while saying "NO! We are not going to listen Selena Gomez right now! Please be quiet for one second because they're about to tell me if I should take 395 and DAGNABIT I MISSED IT. No Selena Gomez forever."
  • Trying to find something in your purse and realizing the light turned green only when people start honking.
  • I am so tired. I am so tired. YAAAWWWWN. I am so tired.
  • "Mommy is on the phone. Did Kate call you? No? Then please be quiet. Please be quiet now. That means not talking. Please stop talking. No more words. Out of your mouth." 
  • Mentally composing to-do list that will take 14 hours to accomplish when actually only have 96 minutes of nap time in which to do it and oh shizz…. That was my exit.
And as if I needed any more evidence that I am not alone in my suck ass driving, there's this from the geniuses at SNL. 


xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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