Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Why I Should Not Ever Drive

Last year, I discussed how I fall victim to distracted driving all the damn time and how it is very bad and dangerous and worse than driving drunk and how basically I am an unsafe at any speed a-hole. Remember this?

Last week I got rear-ended by a 21 year old in her new BMW.  There is just nothing right about that sentence.  I for one, do not enjoy a rear-ending.  But by a 21 year old in a brand new luxury sedan? NO NO NO.  Fortunately there was absolutely no harm done to either vehicle and I went around feeling smug for two days until I got distracted by my friend walking her kids to school and my maniacal waving at them out my window and I came this close to rear-ending another mom in line at the Kiss & Ride.  Sigh. 

My name is Lydia and I am a distracted driver and I hate that about myself.

But I have started to realize that it isn't entirely my fault. At least not all the time. The thing about driving with a million screaming kids in your car is that you have to be a zen master or Cesar Milan or something not to be distracted all the time.

Need some examples? Here are some additional things that cause Distracted Mom Driving:
  • Dealing with questions related to having to pee, being hungry and asking for drinks approximately three seconds after pulling out of the driveway.
  • Having to referee the grade-school equivalent of the Tyson/Holyfield fight while also merging onto the interstate. And I don't have a handy person nearby to sew an ear back in pla -- oh? really? He's still missing his ear...ahh.
  • Having to turn the car around as I realized forgot backpack/soccer uniform/school project/coupons.
  • "No McDonalds. Don't even look at it. Don't even say McDonalds. Fine. Then just eat the french fries from under your sister's car seat. They're not that old."
  • Making a concerted effort to convince the children that you told the other motorists to “FUNK OFF.”
  • Futzing with the radio so it will tell you which roads to avoid because otherwise traffic will eat you alive while saying "NO! We are not going to listen Selena Gomez right now! Please be quiet for one second because they're about to tell me if I should take 395 and DAGNABIT I MISSED IT. No Selena Gomez forever."
  • Trying to find something in your purse and realizing the light turned green only when people start honking.
  • I am so tired. I am so tired. YAAAWWWWN. I am so tired.
  • "Mommy is on the phone. Did Kate call you? No? Then please be quiet. Please be quiet now. That means not talking. Please stop talking. No more words. Out of your mouth." 
  • Mentally composing to-do list that will take 14 hours to accomplish when actually only have 96 minutes of nap time in which to do it and oh shizz…. That was my exit.
And as if I needed any more evidence that I am not alone in my suck ass driving, there's this from the geniuses at SNL. 


xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. Omgosh. This is so true! Mommy driving is distracted driving! Love the Cesear Milan reference! I often "tst" my children and sometimes feel the need to give them the clamp on the neck like Cesear does! It's just that I can't reach around the seat and grab them while driving!

    Great post!!

  2. I'm already falling victim to this, and my son is only 8 months old! Usually for me it's looking at him in his mirror to see if he's actually asleep/why is he crying/why is there a screech owl sitting in my son's car seat?

  3. Funk off, I gotta steal that! That and 'waving' with my middle finger keep me sane, well, some! Thanks for the chuckle. :)

  4. My three year-old has mastered the 'just pulled out of the driveway and I have to pee' routine. And she's upped it to an art form, knowing exactly when we're about to pass a McDonalds with a playplace/ Monkey Joes/ playground with a bathroom is coming up and proclaiming a need to use the facilities. And refusing to go when Mommy stops at a Starbucks for a way to manage to get home.

  5. HAW HAW you said dagnabit. Now when I say it I can claim I got it from you rather than having to acknowledge that I really am turning into my mother.

  6. Once more, I am convinced that you are *ME*, Lydia. Seriously... it's starting to scare me.

  7. "No Selena Gomez forever."

    This should probably be a rule, even when not driving. Haha

  8. Wow, that video is hysterical. And I have become much more distracted than is really safe. If I'm average. . . we're in trouble!

  9. I am actually thankful that cell phone use while driving is now an ILLEGAL/ticketable offence in Ontario (Canada) less distraction for this mom! I spend enough time on the other 9 distractions listed!! For the love of Maude stop fighting over the week old Froot-Loops on the seat!
    Great post! So true!

  10. I swear my next van needs to come pre-equipped with a pulley system for delivery of snacks, water, permission slips, leotards, and soccer Schin pads. ( there are only so Many times I can 'toss' things back to the children And mental note to self, A two year olds hand eye coordination in catching is not fully developed. Although that is how my son became the catcher for his baseball team. He learned how to catch a water bottle flying through the van at 65 mph which in physics terms increases it velocity. Right? One heck of a catcher) Also needs a dust buster integrated into the back trunk.




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