Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A New Way to Name Kid Stuff

It really, really does. WINNING.
Somewhere deep in my twisted imagination lives an advertising executive. An industry legend cloistered away high in his corner office on Madison Avenue. He is an elderly marketing oracle in a fedora and a sharkskin suit. When modern day Mad Men get stuck for a concept, they consult him. They bring gifts of Cuban cigars and single malt and Perry Cuomo records. And they are never disappointed. For this man is the (imaginary) genius behind the two most awesome and memorable ad campaigns in the history of ever.

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" and "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific".

That's right. Because naming a product with a random descriptive sentence is BRILLIANT. And as I am currently surrounded with the sticky miasma of a million children's toys and baby products, it occurs to me that they all need to be re-named by this genius of a man. Except let's pretend that he's now slightly senile and therefore brutally honest.

Here are some examples:


Current Name: The Diaper Genie
New & Improved Name: You Don't Want Your House to Smell Like S**t, Do You?


Current Name: Easy Bake Oven
New & Improved Name: Don't Touch That! It's HOT! Just Kidding - It's a Toy.


Current Name: Incredible Hulk Smash Hands
New & Improved Name: Makes Beating Up Your Sister A Lot More Fun!



Current Name: Baby Alive
New & Improved Name: To Them, It's Alive! To You, It's Possessed.


Current Name: Bratz Little Miss Muffet Halloween Costume
New & Improved Name: If You Want Your Kid To Be A "Dancer", This Is A Good Start. (Pole not included)

Current Name: Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries
New & Improved Name: Or You Could Just Give Them Some Uncut Cocaine


Current Name: Talking Dora Doll
New & Improved Name: Annoying in Two Languages


Current Name: Busy Ball Popper
New & Improved Name: Teach Your Parents To Fetch



Current Name: A & D Ointment
New & Improved Name: Works Like Magic, Smells Like Yonkers

Current Name: The Best of The Wiggles CD
New & Improved Name: You'll Hate it But It'll Probably Make Your Kids Shut Up for Five Minutes



Current Name: Corn Ball Popper
New & Improved Name: Now We're Even


This post was originally run by Lydia under her real name on The Huffington Post on October 2, 2011.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

39 comments:

  1. Sooo have the "Parent Ball Fetcher". That thing was made by Lucifer himself!!!

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  2. If I have to hear the song Rolling down the sand hills one more time I am going to go flying off the deep end singing Ooooo Ahhhh Weeeee all the way down. Your right though it does keep them quiet 5 minutes.

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  3. Growing up my mom called Baby Alive (late 80's version)"Baby Eat and Poop". Thank God my son isn't old enough for the Wiggles yet and I believe that Dora is Satan in carnate.

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  4. ha ha, my 3 year old daughter has the we did it dora. she got it for christmas. her face lit up like the tree! it sings, it dances, battery dies quick and at that age she doesn't understand the concept of NEW BATTERIES LOL..so now it's quiet dora! LOL

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  5. ahhhhhh, sugary products and candy! my girls are wild enough with out that stuff.

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  6. Holy crap, that's funny.

    Dora did literally make me laugh out loud.

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  7. The corn ball popper is also the toy most played with when Mommy is on the phone...

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  8. Woops, the "parent ball fetcher" is my staple gift for 1 year old babies since it is in a big box but it is still cheap. Sorry moms and dads! :)

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  9. Baby Alive is.completely.terrifying!!! *shudder*

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  10. We called the "Parent Ball Fetcher" Insta-Mess. I got that thing out of the house as soon as I could.

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  11. I think the Diaper Genie needs a bit more: "You Don't Want Your House to Smell Like S**t, Do You? Well Then You Shouldn't Have Had a Baby! But This Will Help a Little, Until You Start Feeding Them Solids"

    Hmmm... not quite as punchy as Lydia's version.

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  12. I hate the corn ball popper. One of the most annoying toys ever made, in my opinion. And ALL Bratz stuff drives me crazy. It all looks so sleazy. lol

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  13. Since my kids are 8 and 6, I thought we had outgrown the Wiggles. I mean, it hasn't been on in my house in at least 2 years. I was thrilled. But then, yesterday, I announced that my 8yo daughter would no longer be watching shows where the kids were disrespectful to their parents or were ugly to each other. What does that leave? You guessed it. They literally sat on the floor, together, WITHOUT FIGHTING, and watched the whole show. I don't know which is worse, the bad attitudes from iCarly or Charlie, or insane Wiggles. Tough choice.

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  14. "Or You Could Just Give Them Some Uncut Cocaine "
    Bwahahaha! This made me choke on my coffee. Love this post.

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  15. My mother informed me that she got my 9 and 1/2 month old the "Parent Ball Fetcher" for Christmas. I reminded her that we have 2 dogs and she will be responsible either for the vet bill when one of those balls becomes lodged in the dogs' throat or the ER bill for when the baby tries to take the ball from the dog...sigh...

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  16. That is hilarious. I have renamed my daughters little potty..The magical terd slop jar.

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  17. Bwahahahahaha!!! That's exactly what my husband said about the busy ball popper. Man I hated that thing!!!

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  18. Between my two son's I have been through THREE sets of Hulk Hands. They are the worst! I throw a pair out and just as the boys forget about how much fun it is to smash and punch people, things and animals some IDIOT would give them another for christmas or their birthday.

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  19. You forgot 'Wake Your Baby in the Middle of the Night' http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?st=2341&e=detail&pcat=bulnl&pid=30407

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  20. I had the original Baby Alive as a kid, she was sort of ugly then...now she's just ugly on steroids! Love the pop ball toy comment tho - "now we're even" LOL!!! And the Teach your parents to fetch - GREAT!

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  21. I hated that parent ball fetcher, too. We got rid of that thing fast!

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  22. First, I'm from Yonkers... and it does sorta smell like A&D Ointment.

    Second, when my kids were little my friends and I would try to out do each other by purchasing the most annoying kid's toys for each other. I can't tell you how many time I "accidentally" broke a ball popper.

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  23. Scarily, we have a bunch of things on this list, but I almost died when I saw 'Teach Your Parents to Fetch'. Alternative name would be 'Wait Until You See What They Try to Shove In Here'. :)

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  24. At 2 my son learned to take the twisty rail part off the Parent Fetcher and tilt it sideways...we realized this as we walked in the room one day and suddenly were bombarded with all the balls quickly being shot at our heads.....little punk!

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  25. You should try that talent out on Kids show titles, like "Oobi" (anyone else seen this exercise in narcotic addiction) They ought to call it, "Too bad you worked so hard on getting your three year to use complete sentences, suck it mommy!"

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  26. We have the parent ball fetcher. Our daughter, 11 months, LOVES it and keeps hitting that button, regardless of whether there are balls in the machine. IT. IS. SO. LOUD! Also, I hear it in my head right now. But, one of the cats loves it, so there's that.

    As for the Laugh and Learn puppy that Kimberly posted, we just keep that out of her room at night... just in case. :-p

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  27. We called the corn popper the "death machine" in our house because if it was anywhere on the floor I would trip or slide on it. It almost killed me several times. And we had twin girls so we had two of those things. They went bye bye recently.

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  28. I was having a crummy day until I read this post. Now I have my Christmas shopping all planned out for my sisters' kids. lol! ~Erin K.

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  29. My daughter got that damn ball popper. I put it together when she was 6 or 9 months old, so excited to see her play with it. Then, I heard how loud it was and saw that I balls went EVERYWHERE, and that sucker got boxed back up and went back to Target where it (might have) came from! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one lol!

    Oh, and I didn't know that that "rolling down the sand hills" song was saying, but man it drove me nuts. But now it's in my head! AGGGGGHHH!!!!

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  30. Ahhhaaaa, my son loves the busy ball popper so much that he burned out the motor. He would STAND on it and let the breeze blow his hair. We just bought him a replacement elephant ball popper and he instantly put all his weebols in it. Sigh. Mommy FETCH is quite accurate.

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  31. Love the "Now we're even!" Totally buy annoying things like that for other people's kids when they decide to give my daughter things like Light-Bright or glitter glue!

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  32. i have a friend who refers to those exersaucer type contraptions as the "circle of neglect".

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  33. So very true! My mom called my 1970's era Baby Alive "Shitty Sue" because once the food got in her, she smelled like funk.

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  34. The corn popper is totally my revenge gift for siblings and friends who once upon a time when they were childless gave my children some loud and/or complicated (Transformers for a 3 year old anyone?) toy.

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  35. Legos - "What Preschool Ninjas Leave On The Ground To Maim Their Parents At 3AM, Because Spiky Metal Objects Are Just Not As Effective"

    Infant Electronic Toy Car Remote/Cell Phone - "Stop Pushing Those *&%#@* Buttons!" (a.k.a. the Road Trip Hell Toy - "Toss That #%@& Thing Out Of The Car Before I Lose My Mind!")

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  36. Oh for the love of all things holy, y'all just made me snort. My husband and my dog are both looking at me as though I've left my brain in Bronson.

    Good place for a brain, do you suppose?

    Anyway, so the bit about the uncut cocaine. Yeah. That made me snortle.

    I love you hookers.

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  37. At my friend's house, "Teach Your Parents To Fetch" was soon followed by a tent to keep the balls contained! She threatened to buy one for us and I threatened to buy some even more annoying toy for them. Don't remember what, but since I don't have one, I didn't have to follow through.

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  38. I wonder how long it will be before all the gwenyths out there start naming their kids like that? "This is my daughter Just-because-she-has-a-pinkie-at-age-5-doesn't-mean-she's-spoiled, and my son Dumping-ground-for-daddy's-failed-achievements".

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  39. "Smells like yonkers." I just snorted my Diet Coke.

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