Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A New Way to Name Kid Stuff

It really, really does. WINNING.
Somewhere deep in my twisted imagination lives an advertising executive. An industry legend cloistered away high in his corner office on Madison Avenue. He is an elderly marketing oracle in a fedora and a sharkskin suit. When modern day Mad Men get stuck for a concept, they consult him. They bring gifts of Cuban cigars and single malt and Perry Cuomo records. And they are never disappointed. For this man is the (imaginary) genius behind the two most awesome and memorable ad campaigns in the history of ever.

"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" and "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific".

That's right. Because naming a product with a random descriptive sentence is BRILLIANT. And as I am currently surrounded with the sticky miasma of a million children's toys and baby products, it occurs to me that they all need to be re-named by this genius of a man. Except let's pretend that he's now slightly senile and therefore brutally honest.

Here are some examples:


Current Name: The Diaper Genie
New & Improved Name: You Don't Want Your House to Smell Like S**t, Do You?


Current Name: Easy Bake Oven
New & Improved Name: Don't Touch That! It's HOT! Just Kidding - It's a Toy.


Current Name: Incredible Hulk Smash Hands
New & Improved Name: Makes Beating Up Your Sister A Lot More Fun!



Current Name: Baby Alive
New & Improved Name: To Them, It's Alive! To You, It's Possessed.


Current Name: Bratz Little Miss Muffet Halloween Costume
New & Improved Name: If You Want Your Kid To Be A "Dancer", This Is A Good Start. (Pole not included)

Current Name: Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries
New & Improved Name: Or You Could Just Give Them Some Uncut Cocaine


Current Name: Talking Dora Doll
New & Improved Name: Annoying in Two Languages


Current Name: Busy Ball Popper
New & Improved Name: Teach Your Parents To Fetch



Current Name: A & D Ointment
New & Improved Name: Works Like Magic, Smells Like Yonkers

Current Name: The Best of The Wiggles CD
New & Improved Name: You'll Hate it But It'll Probably Make Your Kids Shut Up for Five Minutes



Current Name: Corn Ball Popper
New & Improved Name: Now We're Even


This post was originally run by Lydia under her real name on The Huffington Post on October 2, 2011.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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