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| It really, really does. WINNING. |
Somewhere deep in my twisted imagination lives an advertising executive. An industry legend cloistered away high in his corner office on Madison Avenue. He is an elderly marketing oracle in a fedora and a sharkskin suit. When modern day Mad Men get stuck for a concept, they consult him. They bring gifts of Cuban cigars and single malt and Perry Cuomo records. And they are never disappointed. For this man is the (imaginary) genius behind the two most awesome and memorable ad campaigns in the history of ever.
"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" and "Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific".
That's right. Because naming a product with a random descriptive sentence is BRILLIANT. And as I am currently surrounded with the sticky miasma of a million children's toys and baby products, it occurs to me that they all need to be re-named by this genius of a man. Except let's pretend that he's now slightly senile and therefore brutally honest.
Current Name: The Diaper Genie
New & Improved Name: You Don't Want Your House to Smell Like S**t, Do You?
New & Improved Name: Don't Touch That! It's HOT! Just Kidding - It's a Toy.
New & Improved Name: Makes Beating Up Your Sister A Lot More Fun!
Current Name: Baby Alive
New & Improved Name: To Them, It's Alive! To You, It's Possessed.
New & Improved Name: If You Want Your Kid To Be A "Dancer", This Is A Good Start. (Pole not included)
New & Improved Name: Or You Could Just Give Them Some Uncut Cocaine
New & Improved Name: Annoying in Two Languages
New & Improved Name: Teach Your Parents To Fetch
New & Improved Name: Works Like Magic, Smells Like Yonkers
New & Improved Name: You'll Hate it But It'll Probably Make Your Kids Shut Up for Five Minutes
Current Name: Corn Ball Popper
New & Improved Name: Now We're Even
This post was originally run by Lydia under her real name on The Huffington Post on October 2, 2011.
