Saturday, November 26, 2011

2nd Annual WHUCKTURKEY Caption Contest

This is what the text messages between me and Kate looked like this the day before Thanksgiving:

Lydia: Look at this, hooker. LOOK.

Lydia: I'm buying them and I'm going to wear them like shoes. Always.
Lydia: Because they're actually slippers.
Lydia: But they're also shoes. The same way that Pajama Jeans are also pants.
Kate: And then you can watch me die.
Lydia: [evil laughing]

-- Two hours later --

Lydia: OH. DEAR. MAUDE. The Cap'n called me downstairs to help with something in the kitchen and this is what I found.

Kate: What the WHAT?
Lydia: That is a 23 lb turkey being brined in a Rubbermaid tub that I've used to store Hawk's old clothes and shoes.  In the garage.
Kate: But?
Lydia: I know.
Kate: But?
Lydia: YES. I KNOW.

The good news is - no one died!  And the turkey tasted delicious.  Also? We'll be eating it for approximately always.  Because 23 pounds of bird is a lot of freaking turkey and I don't waste food. Just ask my enormous ass.

The other good news is - you get to caption the photo!

Whoever gets their caption picked will get $50 donated in their name to a charity that helps feed or clothe people in need. Kate and I helped out at the Homeless Hypothermia shelter for a couple of hours last night and it was totally bad ass. We served food and hung out and I played several games of Yahtzee with some really cool ladies.

Submit your captions for this photo and we'll pick a winner in the next couple of days!



xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

128 comments:

  1. Pup: You are in SO much trouble when mom sees this. And wait until she sees where you put the pumpkin pie.

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  2. Like its distant cousin, Duct Tape, RUBBERMAID can also be used to fix almost anything..... like dinner :)

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  3. Little did the unsuspecting puppy know that the dead turkey in the bucket was a decoy. The REAL turkey awaited deviously behind, ready to pounce.

    And, FTR ... Lydia, your hubs is like me - all smarts, no common sense. And that's why I love you. xoxo

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  4. Dog: "Wow, that doesn't look like my usual dog food. I must have been VERY good this year!"

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  5. Puppy to turkey: "Oh shit, dude, you must have peed on the floor again. They always threatened to rub my nose in it, but you must have really pissed them off if they are soaking you in a bucket 'o piss!"

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  6. Dr. Evil's cat under water?

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  7. Hey boss, smells like somethings dead in there?

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  8. Turkey: WTF? The least they could have done is let me soak in a tub that doesn't smell like dog poo baked on stinky shoes before sacrificing me for their dinner. Assholes.

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  9. ...not a caption, but can I just tell you that the turkey picture looked to me like a CAT?!?! I really had to look closely to see the turkey!

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  10. Lady, whuck is this in my water bowl?

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  11. "I got my nuts chopped off for humping the man's leg... that guy must have REALLY pissed him off!"

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  12. Well class, now that we've seen a waterbirth...any questions?

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  13. You are the best Mom a dog could ever ask for! So what are you having for dinner?

    OR...

    Why did it get a bath, did it roll in something?

    OR...

    Is it dead yet? If it's dead, can you take it out so I can play with it?

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  14. Dog: I bet if I sneak up all stealthy like they'll never notice the bird is out of the brine...
    Bird: My brine bin has been in the garage dog. You're not brave enough for this!

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  15. "Those swimming lessons are really paying off," mused Lloyd. "Not only will no one think to look for a swimming turkey, the hound will lose my scent at the water's edge. Victory!"

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  16. Is THIS what will now happen if I don't make it outside?!!??? Message received, Master!

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  17. That looks like a dead cat floating in that bin......about gave me a stroke!

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  18. In their annual game of Hide and Seek, Tom thought he'd finally found the perfect spot to hide from The Dog. No one would ever think to look in here for a turkey.

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  19. And THAT is what happened to the turkey when it made a poopy in the house..... take note dog... it could happen to you too!

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  20. Back Off Dog! I have a pop-up timer and I know how to use it!

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  21. It almost looks like the tub was set out to catch a leak in the roof, and it also caught a turkey...the brine was dog drool free, right?

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  22. Can someone please get Lindsey Lohan some clothes and tell her to get the hell out of the "tub"?!

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  23. Hairy turkey parties - the hairy buffalo of the new millennium. Make sure you eat the cranberries, there's no alcohol in them!

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  24. Sigh. Not turdunkin' ... for the last time, Cap'n, it's turDUCKen!

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  25. This is how you make soup, isn't it?

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  26. Hey, Dude. Could you call the manager over? I spilled my margarita and now this jacuzzi is cold and tastes like salt.

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  27. Help! I've been in here a very long time and can barely keep my head about the water..... nevermind.

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  28. It's got a stain, so I'm soaking it.

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  29. We're supposed to teach it to swim??? It couldn't even fly....

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  30. @Ely - that was the EXACT same thing I was thinking. Makes me glad that's not the way I decided to go.

    @kimmybo519 - bahahahaha - good one.

    ....doggie thought bubble

    "How freakin' hilarious will it be if I stick my snout up that turkey's butt and jump around like I have a turkey head? They'll totally laugh, right? I mean, that's quality humor right there, a dog with a turkey head!!"

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  31. Someone should have told that turkey that Skinny Dipping would cost him his life.

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  32. "Gaaahhbbllle, gggaarrrbbllee, glub"

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  33. Dog to friends: It was awful. They used to just put me outside, maybe withhold treats. I'm not sure what the turkey did, but after the waterboarding was over....you wouldn't BELIEVE the hell he must have gone through. No feathers, no head, his guts were shoved up his a$$.....

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  34. RubberMADE turkey: It's whucks for dinner.

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  35. Never brine a siamese cat. Ever.
    -stacey g

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  36. rubb a dubb dubb our turkey in a tubb

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  37. Pup: Now I know *I* didn't drown any trukeys. Oh snap. Those kids are in deep . . . say what? The man did this? Hot damn! He's toast.

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  38. I see a bird, I see a bird! "Point"! -BB

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  39. So I totally can't thinking anything funnier than whats been posted ... BUT I have those slippers. & wear them. Always. As shoes. They are so awesomely comfy I care not if it's socially appropriate. :D

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  40. Dog: Well, I wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of getting them the damn bird if I knew all they were going to do was pluck it and throw it in an old tub.

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  41. Move over, I'm comin' in!

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  42. Dog: "It puts the lotion on it's skin...."

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  43. i thought water births turned out different?

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  44. I've heard of people shoving ducks up their turkey's vajayjay but a turkitten? Now you're just showing off.

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  45. Martha Stewart eat your heart out!

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  46. A very small dead sea for a very dead turkey.

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  47. I really don't see the big deal. I've brined my turkeys for the last several years, and they come out of the oven very moist and tender. But in the spirit of cooperation ...

    You did WHAT with my T-BOX?!?!?!?!?????

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  48. "Hey dog, Help me out here!"

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  49. My vote is for MAMA D!!! That was hilarious!!!

    Second Fav has to be the Lindsay Logan comment.

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  50. dog: did the red thing pop up yet? Can we eat it now?

    cjthomps26@yahoo.com

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  51. The little terror suspects thought it needed to grow...so they put it in water...like a plant. because cthulu is a plant, right?

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  52. Your honor I would like to submit this picture as exhibit A in State vs. Lydia in the murder of her husband. I think you will find she had just cause...

    OR

    I may be just a dog but even I know not to put food in something my dear sweet Lydia uses to store stuff in. Maybe the Captain is losing his mind!

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  53. I say, first we kill 'im, then we pluck 'im, then we decapitate 'im, then we drown 'im, then we stuff 'im, then we cook 'im, and THEN we eat 'im!!!

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  54. I totally thought he was soaking it because he forgot to thaw the turkey...lol

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  55. The Turkey Mafia is no one to f--k with.

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  56. Is this supposed to be like that soda that tastes like hot dog juice?

    or

    Even the dog wonders at the Captain's train of thought for this one.

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  57. "That poor turkey needs a hat!!"

    If you want to help feed the hungry, buy a hat from my 12 year old son's charity www.hatsforhunger.com. You get a great hat AND all of the money goes to Heifer International.

    Yep, shameless plug, but it helps feed the hungry one hat at a time.

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  58. @Luna - "Red Neck Turkey Soup".... I snorted my coffee all over when I read that one!! This one should win - 'cuz I'm judgey like that.....

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  59. Dog: I know someone will find a way to blame me for this...
    Turkey: you think you have problems?

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  60. Honey, I don't think that is what they meant by warerboarding the turkey!?

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  61. I fed my turkey fish too much and now it needs a bigger fish bowl.

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  62. Something about this tub is very suspicious, after stinky sneakers, I hope I'm delicious.. lol

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  63. "I'm Louis the Lifeguard and I rescued a drowning turkey today!"

    or...

    While Lydia and the Cap'n were away, Rover made a gruesome yet fascinating discovery. He could not turn away.

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  64. When asked what his final wish would be the turkey said "a shave and a nice warm bath". Poof, wish granted!!

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  65. OH! You flavored my water! AWESOME!

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  66. What did the turkey do?

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  67. Dog: "Now I know how Eve felt."

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  68. Dog: Well it's about time they treated me like the King I am.

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  69. I'm with the other that saw cat. Dead floating twisted cat.

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  70. I know my butt looks big. It's the damn saltwater brine. I'm retaining fluid!

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  71. Dog: "Note to self, don't f@ck with Dad."

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  72. After hiding in the tub from the dog all day Mavis realised she had taken the prune look to a whole new level.....
    or
    Mavis decided it was time for turkeys to evolve into fish. God had a different idea.
    or
    Mavis Auto Darwinated.

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  73. The turkey is soaking. Must have had a boobstain.

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  74. If that's what happene to the pet turkey, i wonder what whucks going to happen to the dog???

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  75. What's in the dog bowl today? -Isabel

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  76. Tom could not recall all the events from the night before - only that it started with a bottle of Wild Turkey and ended with a swim in what he thought was the neighbor's salt water pool.

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  77. Dog; So that's what the Cap'n does to you if you don't use a coupon?

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  78. Well, since you insist on interrupting my bath, can you take a look and tell me if I have a melanoma on my ass or is it just an angry pimple?

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  79. How do you get the most tender turkey for thanksgiving? Send him to the spa!!!

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  80. And YOU thought bobbing for apples was hard.

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  81. I vote for the Turkey Mafia comment. Made me snort laugh!

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  82. Mom, the cat brought us another 'present'

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  83. Am I really looking up the arse of a turkey ?or..Does this rubbermaid make my ass look F A T?

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  84. I bet these hookers think they will be on a cooking blog next.

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  85. "This poor puppy is pissed some random bird just stole his bath"

    Puppy: "Ok, OK! I'll tell you where I hid Lydia's new slippers!! Just don't do THAT to me!"
    -Sam

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  86. It puts the lotion on it's skin, or it gets the bin again!

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  87. Woof! Bobbing for turkey is my favorite game! woof!

    ~Deb Dennis~

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  88. In our house we call this The Turquarium. Only we are thoughtful of houseguests and residents alike and use a clear Turquarium. For optimum viewing.

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  89. Dog: "Looks like something ate your ass."

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  90. Cap'n's Train of Thought (aka Da-MEN-ted thunking)

    "But honey, I saved you money for more metal roosters on Black Friday by reusing this pre-seasoned bin. AND I saved you room in the fridge for more desserts by just schtuffing it in the garage since it's cold out there too. Don't worry, the dog didn't drool in it. Too much. Don't tell your mother."

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  91. Dog: "Wow, I stop chewing mommy's choos and I get a BIG treat! Who would've thunk?" ~Erin K. from Lakewood, WA

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  92. Yes! I am on pair #4 of those slippers and you better believe I wear them darn near every day! The only thing is that unless you don't mind snow in your shoes, you ought not wear them when there's more than 3 inches of snow on the ground. I know this because I try every year.

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  93. Can anyone just soak in a tub in peace around here?!?

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  94. Here's a thrifty tip: Ask your butcher for the turkeys that accidentally drowned in the cranberry bogs. They're much cheaper than the traditionally killed ones.

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  95. Next thing you know he's going to use the toddler potty as a gravy boat.

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  96. Another victim of water boarding torture. Poor poor Tom. He will be missed by many, eaten by few.

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  97. Where am I? And what happened to my other nipple?

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  98. o.m.g. I love Thanksgiving! Now if the humans would just leave the room...

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  99. TurBucket marinated in Holy Hot Mess sauce.

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  100. You don't want to know where I found the stuffing.

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  101. Soup just the way grandma used to make it!

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  102. Q: What's that turkey doing in a storage bin?!
    A: The backstroke!

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  103. Turkey to bird... "Back the f' up jackhole before I square up and beat the living schmidt out of you."

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  104. Tonight on Animal Planet -- Doctor Brady: Turkey Proctologist

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  105. At first glance, I thought this was some sort of grotesquely contorted hairless cat.

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  106. The kids loved bobbing for apples so much at the halloween party, wait till they try this!

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  107. Good thing this wasn't outdoors, the dog would fowl at the moon!!! OK, I know that was really bad, but you can only critique if you've submitted something yourself!

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  108. "Is my doggie paddle strong enough to save him from drowning?"

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  109. Salmonella in a tub. That is all.

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  110. Not only do they invite me for Thanksgiving dinner, but I get this awesome spa treatment too . Hey you, towel boy, I'm getting all pruney - help me out of here - and watch those paws okay - I've seen you drooling over me.

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  111. First, I have shoes like that and I totally wear them everywhere. They're UGGS and they are warm and comfy. My hubby gave me crap until another hockey mom started wearing the exact.same.shoes. ;o) Have hope, it's not just you!

    Second, I have no caption because I have no creativity, but the dog peeking in on the turkey had me rolling. Dog slobber + dirty clothes = best.turkey.ever.

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  112. It put's the butter on it's skin or it gets the brine again.

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