Wednesday, November 9, 2011

And This Is Why It’s Important To Put Things Away


I think my children believe magical fairies follow them around and put things away for them. There is nothing else that can explain the backpacks dropped at the front door, the how-many-days-in-a-row-did-you-wear-these socks on my pillow, and the toothbrush that I found in the refrigerator this afternoon. How long has that been there? And, is that crunchy toothpaste?


Lefty is definitely my worst culprit of this. He stashes things that are trash in his desk drawer, things that go in his desk are actually hidden inside his underwear drawer, and – to make it all balance out -- his underpants are in the trash. Which, actually, is probably not such a bad idea. The point is, he’s so completely one of those kids who would lose his head if it wasn’t attached, so I’m really grateful for all those tendons and skin and everything. After all, I made that boy from scratch.


So it shouldn’t have surprised me at all when we went to his annual pediatric appointment, and on our way out the door, he couldn’t find his shoes…or his pants. [Editor’s Note: Please don’t ask. Suffice to say that boy has a strong aversion to clothing.] I should have known that was only the beginning.


Forty minutes later, he’s standing in his boxers in the little room covered with bunnies and duckies, Lefty is glaring at me for subjecting him to all this indignity. He sorta maybe doesn't love this time of year. Thankfully, it was almost over. Or so we thought.


Eyes? Check. Ears? Check. Spine all straight? Yep. Heartbeat? Good. Lungs? Screamworthy. Drop the trousers and do the quick check….Hello?


Let me say here that doctors should never furrow their brows NOR look confused. Ours was doing both. Then he pulled out Lefty’s chart and flipped a couple of pages.


Doctor: “Odd. He had two testicles at his last appointment.”Excuse me? Whuck? What do you mean *HAD* two.


Me: “Dude? Where’s your ball?”

Lefty: “I don’t know…”

Me: “Where’s your ball, dude? What did you do with it?”

Lefty: [pause] “Uhh, nothing…”

Me: “Where was it the last time you checked?”

Lefty: “It was right here!”

Me: “And, where did you put it when you were done playing with it?”

Lefty: [pointing down] “I. LEFT. IT. RIGHT. HERE!”


Another thing doctors shouldn’t do: Tell a freaking out mom that “maybe we can just coax it down…” No and no-er. In my nightmares, I’m either having random conversations with a ball on a window ledge that’s threatening to jump, or I’m using the word “knead” – either way, ewwww.


So, what are we left with?
  • Option One: We can leave it alone and hope that it decides to abandon its vacation in his abdomen and return back to his little home with Righty.

  • Option Two: Apparently, there’s a surgery that can fix this, put that little rogue ball back in its place, and – just for good measure, and to make every man on earth squirm – stitch it in place. That’ll remind it to not run away from home ever, ever again.
  • Option Three: Get used to the fact that Lefty is now calling himself a Half-Sack and the Uniballer and just embrace the fact that Lefty is now more a Righty.
Now we’ve gotten all protective of The Ball That Stayed, and are basically making Lefty wear a cup everywhere he goes. On his last day of baseball, he was the catcher, and we were all cringing with every errant pitch. McLovin took to yelling out to Lefty on the field.


“Hey! Catcher! Protect your nut!” And then raised one finger really slowly.


The other day, Lefty came running to me after school yelling that he had found his baseball cap that he had lost on the second day of school. It had just turned up, as if by magic. I said, maybe if he had put it away, he wouldn’t have lost it at all. He said, maybe if he hadn’t lost it, he wouldn’t have been so happy about finding it.


Lefty: “Just think how happy we’ll be when we find my ball.”

Me: “Maybe you shouldn’t have lost it.”

Lefty: “Maybe it’s not lost.”

Me: “So, where is it then?”
Lefty: “Somewhere really safe and secret and I can’t tell you.”
Me: “Seriously? Is your ball Dick Cheney?”


Now he refers to his missing nut as the former vice president. Which he thinks is the funniest thing he’s ever heard. I should have known. After all, I made that boy from scratch. Ball and all.


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

44 comments:

  1. Don't have words for how much I love the way you talk to your kids. Hope you find it. If you do, will you look for the two my kid is hiding?

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  2. I just laughed so hard I cried a little. Also, Lefty is gonna be SO embarrassed by this post later in his life.

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  3. best. post. ever. (well, maybe the treasure-hunt-target-mom is the best, but this was awesome.) kate, your way with words is always just so right.

    i'd just like to add that i think it's patently unfair that you get to be pretty AND a great writer.

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  4. OH THANK YOU for the much much much needed laugh! Tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! Sorry about your son's ball! ROFL (seriously sorry but it's still so funny at the same time.. yes I know my humor is that of a 4th grader lol)

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  5. Thanks for this. I needed it today.

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  6. please, let us know when/ if it's found again. Oh the joys to look forward to with a boy:)

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  7. This is a classic! I had a 10 minute dissertation from my son about how tight underwear affects his "ballsack." Good grief!

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  8. I love this! And you want to know what else a doctor shouldn't ever do? Call your son's junk "small." When I had to take my littler dude to the Dr. that performed his bris (circumcision with bagels and lox) for a routine re-check he said, "he's got some adhesion you need to keep an eye on, especially because it's smaller-than-average." Thank goodness my husband wasn't there, he might have decked the guy.

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  9. I think I just woke my family up from laughing so hard. And here my partner just took the day off because he couldn't sleep due to my erratic pregnancy sleep. I love you guys XD

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  10. All I can think of is this video I once saw on YouTube. It's a guy (the "Talking Kitty" guy, if you're familiar) singing to his Black Lab about her losing her balls, appropriately titled "Where are your balls?" That song is now stuck in my head.

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  11. FREAKING HILARIOUS!!!!! Oh and FWIW, my son was born with an undescended testicle (meaning he hid it from me when he was in the womb. . . he didn't even make it out of me before he started stashing stuff!). He had that surgery and it was a major suckfest the day he had it, but now he barely has a scar- and I still have the hope of grandchildren! (I hear they are a reward for having kids. . . you know, ones you don't have to make rules for and can give them back when you're done playing with them. . . )

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  12. This post is priceless! The Uniballer....but Dick Cheney really made me guffaw!

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  13. Since I'm posting as anonymous my husband won't care (or find out) that I'm sharing this. He had the same problem at about the same age as lefty. The lost ball came out of hiding on it's own closer he got to puberty. TMI - I know but maybe it'll help. BTW - I about wet my knickers reading this post!!!! Thanks for the laughs.

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  14. I. Freaking.Love.You !! I have 3 girls and 1 baby boy who is 6....he is my lil man..but seriously I can handle a mans penis issues but the fact my son has one is just weird !! LOL

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  15. OK, that was just-snorted-my-coffee hilarious ;)

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  16. "And where did you put it when you were done playing with it?"

    Oh my goodness, I'm in complete awe.

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  17. OMG thank you so much for this post. I was having a horrible morning and this made me laugh so hard that I had to dry my eye before I could finish reading it. Hopefully his ball will come back from vacation soon.

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  18. Oh, joy. I have 2 girls followed by 2 boys. I always told my husband I was scared to have boys because I had no desire to deal with their penis. Circumcision, that fun stage (stage, right, like it ends?) where they can't keep their hands out of their pants, and let's not talk about someday when they're teens! Now you're telling me more things I have to worry about?! Gah! New rule: Husband is responsible for all things penis related.

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  19. Laughing so hard I'm crying. You. so. totally. rock.

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  20. Well, firstly, this is hilarious. Secondly, can somewhat relate...my brother lost one of his during a 3-week-old-with-emergency-surgery-hernia-type situation and my parents were so fiercely protective of The One That Remained through his whole life...And all through school, he told everybody about it, thought it was awesome, and had all the kids calling him One Nut and other such endearing terms (although I think former vice president is the best one I've heard yet!). But he made it just fine. Good luck!

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  21. The fact that he calls his missing ball Dick Cheney, is so funny I just spit coffee on my computer.

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  22. This just made my day. I am not going to examine deeply what that might mean. But I am laughing hysterically at work. Always a good thing.

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  23. I have no words. Just pee in my undies. (From the laughing, in case that needed clarification.) THANKS A LOT, KATE.

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  24. Oh. Dear. God. There can be no coaxing of the ball.

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  25. Fabulous post, but I must add this little opinion. I am not a doctor by any means, but I stumbled upon your blog because my husband and I are going through fertility issues and I am looking for funny childhood moments to look award to.... This happened to my husband when he was young (maybe 4?) and they believe that the length of time it took before it was corrected (he had the surgery) may have contributed to his infertility. Not saying that will for sure happen with your kid, and I know the Dr's know best...but that is what our Dr. told us...just something to think about. I am posting anonymously b/c none of our friends/family know of our fertility issues...

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  26. I. just. died.

    Which is unfortunate, since after 6 yrs of all girlies all the time, I'm expecting my little man to make his arrival in the spring.

    I am sooooo not ready for this!!!

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  27. Oh my goodness. We had a guy friend in college we called One Nut.

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  28. Well, he did tell you it was trying to cross over to the Dark Side, Kate. Guess he was right!

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  29. Put this post in your folder marked "material I can use to make future unwanted girlfriends go away." Or, alternatively, "material I can use to make future daughter-in-law understand where her spouse is *coming from*"

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  30. I have no words to convey how much I *love* that Lefty is referring to his MIA nut as Dick Cheney. Ohhhhh. Emmmmmm. Geeeeeeee.

    “And you want to know what else a doctor shouldn't ever do? Call your son's junk 'small.' “

    Ohhhhhh, I think it worse to be told that your son is “well-endowed”………………while he is still IN UTERO. (True story – my *MALE* u/s tech told me this. WHUCK???)

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  31. LOL -- and my verification word for the previous post was "incho."

    bahahhahahaaaaa

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  32. Perhaps Lefty should be renamed "Uno"?

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  33. I have a son with this problem too! Although his was a problem from birth. He had the surgery to bring it out of hiding! Loads of fun!!! Good luck! And as always making me laugh!!!

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  34. OMG! The funniest post EVER! Adventures of The Missing Ball. :D

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  35. Absolutely hilarious! On a serious note, though, your son's condition is called cryptorchidism and if the testis is truly absent from the scrotal sac for an extended period of time there are risk factors. They include decreased fertility, increased risk of testicular cancer, increased risk of testicular torsion(a surgical emergency), increased risk of inguinal hernias. The surgery to correct the condition is called orchiopexy and the benefits far outweigh the risk of surgery as far as I have read. Just thought you should know all the facts:)

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  36. Oh my Gosh, I can't breathe.... and if you can have a conversation like that with your kid, you are going to have an awesome relationship FOREVER!

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  37. Loved it! One of my sons had a testicular torsion at age 10 and had both sides "stitched" in place with emergency surgery. We are keeping an eye on "Larry" who was the torsed one and sadly getting smaller but so happy that "Rex" is doing just fine. Yes, the "Uno" and "Uniball" names have come up at our house!
    It's so important as a mom of boys to be aware of these things!
    Thanks for sharing!

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  38. This is a funny post :)

    My 4yo just had that surgery last month. He was born with an undescended testicle (and a hernia) and it caused him a lot of pain at different times.
    The surgery was no big deal (except for ME!!) but except for being tired and a bit sore that night, he was totally fine, and never complained.

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  39. I'm really excited to be expecting a girl now!

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  40. As the Mom of three boys I have to say, this is the best blog post ever.

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  41. Ditto what Anonymous said about orchiopexy. When my son was 9 we had the same dr appointment you did; doc searching for what was previously there. We elected to have our son undergo the surgery because of the risks mentioned: compromised fertility, slightly increased risk of cancer etc. It was much worse for us than him, he was sore for about a week then fine. The bonus? Watching his older brothers face as the surgeon described what he was going to do to his little brothers "parts".

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  42. I seriously have tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard! I have 3 boys, and the middle one has been plagued with a swollen testicle. I had a conversation similar to yours, except his wasn't missing, it was just over played with. Keeping a straight face and asking how he made his ball bigger and was it this big the last time he played with it, was pretty difficult, but also concerning since we may also have to undergo surgery. Damn Balls!

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  43. Oh.My.Goodness! It took me forever to read this post...tears streaming down my face due to laughing so hard I couldn't see! And to top it off...Former Vice President! ROFL!

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