Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Five Universal Laws of Holidays

If I squeeze hard enough, maybe you'll
pass out and I can run away? Please?
Christmas and Thanksgiving are just around the corner. Like, forty days away or something. Which should bring to mind all the warm, Norman Rockwell-y fuzzy thoughts of families gathered around fireplaces, singing carols and wrapping presents while sipping on a cup of something warm that we didn't have to make for ourselves.  

Except that it never turns out like that. Why? Because, like mornings, bedtime, privacy and summer, the holidays have their own special, special set of laws. Laws that make us wish we were that little Macaulay Culkin kid and our family would all go away and leave us home alone. Except without the screaming. Or the burglar dudes. Because if we came home and found our child safe and the presents still there and the bad guys in jail, we'd still find a way to be pissed about the mess in the house.

1. The Acquisition Negotiation: You know that list you wrote up? The one that has everyone's name and the litany of toys and games and stocking stuffers they want? Yeah, that's just the beginning. Now someone actually has to go out and acquire those things. And then the stored-up cache of threats, bribes and you-owe-me's come conga dancing out of the recesses of your mind. OH LYYYYYYDIIIIIAAAAAA! Remember that time I picked up your kids at the bus stop because you were getting your hair striped and you begged me not to tell the Cap'n because you didn't have a coupon? Yes? Excellent. Because you live very close to Target, and I need a few things from there. Here's my list.

2. The Space/Time Continuum Violation I know we have your family, my family, the people-who-aren't-family-but-might-as-well-be family, the choir thing at church, the caroling, the grandparents and the extended family visits. But, let's get one thing clear. There is one dude on Earth that can visit three billion houses in one night, eat three billion cookies and still be happy about it. And do you know why? Because he has short people who help him the other 364 days a year so he can do his job all in one night and a spouse who might have a lifetime supply of Valium. The minute our children sing while they do their chores and we own Pfizer, I'll be happy to visit your parents. Until then, I'll be in the bedroom with a box of Oreos. Sixty-four....sixty-five. We need more milk.

Wait! I think we're missing a piece.
3. The Construction Deconstruction What is it with assembly instructions? I do not have a mechanical engineering degree. Or a warehouse to lay out all these damn parts. Or an Allen wrench? Who the hell is Allen? All I know is Allen is going to be in pain in about, oh, twenty to thirty years when I finish putting this dollhouse together. What? Oh right, I mean bike. When I finish putting this bike together. Stupid Christmas.

4. The Daddy Variable: Dear My Spouse, I know you looooove Christmas, and you want our children to have all these awesome, marshmallow-filled memories of feety pajamas and baking bread and caroling in the neighborhood when we're invited in for spiced cider and eggnog. And I'm really starting to believe you think those things happen because you thought them out loud. Sweetheart, I love your holiday spirit, but you actually have to do something to make that happen. And by "do something" I mean get on amazon.com and order toys, not  just talk about pretending to be Santa and surprising the children. Wait. Oh dear Maude, is that a red velvet costume? Please take off that beard. And, stop patting your lap and asking me if I've been good. You're out of your damn mind.

I HATE MY PRESENT AND YOUR HOUSE SMELLS FUNNY!
 5. The Griswoldian Imperative Here's how it's gonna work out. We're gonna have a great Christmas, and we're gonna smile for the camera, and yes we ARE gonna call crazy Aunt Myrna even though she gave you underpants for Christmas -- maybe she thought you would like Sleeping Beauty even though you're a boy. And you ARE going to eat that fruitcake shut up about how there's not actually fruit in it I'll slap an apple in your mouth if it'll make you shut your piehole I swear to Maude next Christmas I'm going to Maui can we for once just shut up and make some HAPPY F*)!CKING MEMORIES HERE, PEOPLE?!?!  Smile! *click* Here's a tissue.

Merry Christmas...

And, seriously dear. Take off that Santa suit. Without the porn music, please. Now you're just freaking me out.  

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

22 comments:

  1. You guys are so freaking awesome. I'm soooo glad I'm not the only one that feels this way about the holidays!

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  2. Someone told me the other day that the best lights of Christmas are the taillights when everybody leaves.

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  3. Ahhh, I LOVE being Jewish. Reading things like this makes me feel so smug. Don't get me wrong, we have our own list of holiday landmines, but they seem less *intense* than the Christmas variety. (maybe I need to write you a "holiday enemies of the non-believers" post) I decided long ago that if my family had to go through the joy of decorating a Christmas tree when I was growing up my father surely would have murdered my brother long ago. Those two can't collaborate on anything without threats and tears. Hang in there mommies, January will be here before you know it!

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  4. You guys just upped the awesome.#2 and #3 had me laughing a big loud belly laugh. For the record, Allen is my father-in-law.

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  5. I DO have an engineering degree and STILL can not follow the assembly instructions for toys. I think they are TRYING to make us all crazy . . . Maybe is some conspiracy with the drug companies . . . Hhhmmmmmm.

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  6. Someone in my family will get sick over the holidays. Usually with lots of puking. This used to bum me out, now I have realized I just need to be the first to go rushing into the room to clean it up and insist that I stay home with whoever is under the weather.

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  7. Yeah well I got all that PLUS Frickin Hanukkah HANK as we celebrate both! So what you complaining about? LOL

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  8. My husband is incapable of assemblying anything without a series of "God F**king Damnits" coming out of his mouth....Because he gives me such a hard time about buying gifts for people ("Don't spend more than $6 on my sisters' kids!" - What? Have you never been to a toy store? The dust bunnies cost more than $6!!??!!), I actually rank toys on a "GFD" scale as in, "this will make Daddy say 6 GFDs, let's get it!" What can I say? Some people watch "It's a Wonderful Life"...I like to torture my husband for Christmas...

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  9. Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.

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  10. And the DECORATING...oh please, all the DECORATING. Decorating the OUTSIDE...Decorating the INSIDE...Decorating at PRESCHOOL...Decorating at CHURCH...

    Before children DECORATING was a catharasis...Christmas music playing and calmly arranging everything so the house looks PERECT. AFTER children now I am lucky if I get 3/4 of the decorations SOMEWHERE CLOSE to the right places and ANCHORED DOWN appropriately so we don't have anyone getting cut by shards of the Mikasa Santa Claus or hanging from the poinsettia garland...

    I need a holiday decorator...

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  11. Oh man! This is comedic gold! Just what I needed this morning. I laughed so much at #4! I can totally see my husband trying that out too.

    And LMAO @ Pam's comment.

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  12. The Daddy Variable, hellz yeah!!! So true. I have never laughed out loud quite like I did reading that #4. It was loud and shrieky and scary and wonderful.

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  13. There have been many Christmases where DH and I have handed the darlings to Grandma while we put stuff together. We are college educated parents, surely we can put a plastic kitchen together, right? Right? Sure. Sort of. If nobody actually plays with it. Or walks in the same zip code...

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  14. Yes! Someone write a domestic enemies of the non- Xmas celebraters!

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  15. You know what? If you put the pedals on the bike backward (left one on the right stem, etc) - they unscrew themselves and fall off when the kid tries to ride them. True story!

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  16. My hisband does that to me on every holiday... Halloween needed to be epic (but no budget) and now thanksgiving and Christmas again with very limited budget!!! And all this holiday happiness makes him frisky... I want to punch him in the face when I drop into bed and he says he has a present for me!!! I have started saying did you get a gift reciept. :0)

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  17. I think we should embrace the Griswoldness of the holidays, cousin Eddie and all. Shitter's full!!

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  18. Yes, holidays is so near, and I really feel it already, I will remember this five universal laws in holiday!


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