|If I squeeze hard enough, maybe you'll|
pass out and I can run away? Please?
Except that it never turns out like that. Why? Because, like mornings, bedtime, privacy and summer, the holidays have their own special, special set of laws. Laws that make us wish we were that little Macaulay Culkin kid and our family would all go away and leave us home alone. Except without the screaming. Or the burglar dudes. Because if we came home and found our child safe and the presents still there and the bad guys in jail, we'd still find a way to be pissed about the mess in the house.
1. The Acquisition Negotiation: You know that list you wrote up? The one that has everyone's name and the litany of toys and games and stocking stuffers they want? Yeah, that's just the beginning. Now someone actually has to go out and acquire those things. And then the stored-up cache of threats, bribes and you-owe-me's come conga dancing out of the recesses of your mind. OH LYYYYYYDIIIIIAAAAAA! Remember that time I picked up your kids at the bus stop because you were getting your hair striped and you begged me not to tell the Cap'n because you didn't have a coupon? Yes? Excellent. Because you live very close to Target, and I need a few things from there. Here's my list.
2. The Space/Time Continuum Violation I know we have your family, my family, the people-who-aren't-family-but-might-as-well-be family, the choir thing at church, the caroling, the grandparents and the extended family visits. But, let's get one thing clear. There is one dude on Earth that can visit three billion houses in one night, eat three billion cookies and still be happy about it. And do you know why? Because he has short people who help him the other 364 days a year so he can do his job all in one night and a spouse who might have a lifetime supply of Valium. The minute our children sing while they do their chores and we own Pfizer, I'll be happy to visit your parents. Until then, I'll be in the bedroom with a box of Oreos. Sixty-four....sixty-five. We need more milk.
|Wait! I think we're missing a piece.|
4. The Daddy Variable: Dear My Spouse, I know you looooove Christmas, and you want our children to have all these awesome, marshmallow-filled memories of feety pajamas and baking bread and caroling in the neighborhood when we're invited in for spiced cider and eggnog. And I'm really starting to believe you think those things happen because you thought them out loud. Sweetheart, I love your holiday spirit, but you actually have to do something to make that happen. And by "do something" I mean get on amazon.com and order toys, not just talk about pretending to be Santa and surprising the children. Wait. Oh dear Maude, is that a red velvet costume? Please take off that beard. And, stop patting your lap and asking me if I've been good. You're out of your damn mind.
|I HATE MY PRESENT AND YOUR HOUSE SMELLS FUNNY!|
And, seriously dear. Take off that Santa suit. Without the porn music, please. Now you're just freaking me out.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011