Monday, November 28, 2011

The Second Annual Christmas Toys That Suck List

Every year my kids ask for things for Christmas that they stand no chance of actually getting. The reason for this tends to be that they only want the products that someone has spent a small fortune advertising on television. They are little Pavlovian monkeys. The TV tells them they want Moon Sand, and it's Moon Sand they want.
So because we deal with this same thing every year, we present the second annual Christmas Toys That Suck List.

Let’s Rock Elmo
One of this year's hottest toys, it should also be called "Let's Give Mommy An Eye Twitch Elmo".

Monster High dolls
Lots of people love these dolls and the show that features these characters. I will state for the record that I've never seen the show. My 8 year old daughter thinks that everything Monster High is completely and utterly awesome. I think they look like a genetic hybrid of a Bratz doll and the 3 day old corpse of a slutty monster.

These are adorable. But they encourage kids to STOMP in order to get the cute slippers to do their thing. Do you have any idea how much noise my kids feet make already? I have to think this was product was developed by someone who hates parents or who has never actually spent time with anyone under the age of 17.

Also? This Stompeez character is called Sir One Eyed Monster. ::snicker::

Power Rangers Samurai Mega Blade
This toy got called out as being one of the ten most dangerous of the year. That’s pretty easy to believe given that when you see kids playing with it, it looks deadly and horrifying. I can’t imagine arming a hyper little dude with an actual dangerous weapon is a good idea. If I gave this to my 6 year old, we'd end up at either the emergency room or juvenile detention within three hours.

The Incredible Shrinky Dinks Maker
This toy was identified as one of the most dangerous of the year because of the risk of electrocution. Whuck?! Shrinky Dinks are awesome! Why tart them up with some lame-o Easy Bake contraption that could kill you? For the love of Pete, just use the oven to make Shrinky Dinks, as nature intended it.

Justin Beiber anything
No explanation required.

La La Loopsy
These are also some of the hottest toys of the year. And lots of people love them. I thought they were really cute, too - until I took a good look at them. Then I got the chills. Personally, I find them terrifying. The button eyes? Are frightening as hell. I’m truly concerned they might come to life when we’re sleeping and do unspeakable things. Look at their little faces and imagine them saying: "Mommy is asleep. Let's get the knives!"

Is it just me? Probably.

Why not just call them Chokies? Seriously.

Kung Zhu Pets Ninja Warrior Hamster
All three of my kids like this toy and consistently play with the ones we have. Here’s my issue: some Zhu Zhu pets never stop making bizarre squeaky noises and there is no OFF button. Why would you do that, people who manufacture Zhu Zhu pets? Do you hate me? Do you enjoy robbing me of sleep?

Also, I just think the notion of “Ninja Warrior Hamster” is hilarious.

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Boys who love video games have been indoctrinated into the idea that the Call of Duty series is THE MOST AWESOME THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. And since this is the newest Call of Duty, it is the best and therefor boys who love video games HAVE to have this game. Except my son is 6 years old. So keep it the hell out of my house. None of these games is for little guys and yet "cool parents" everywhere think its fine to buy them for 6 year olds and make me look like the meanest mommy ever.

Doggy Doo
A game that is essentially about watching a dog crap. I just don't understand how this product made it out of beta testing. Were there no sane people in the focus group? I mean, I spend hours begging my kids to help me clean up *actual* doggy doo from our *actual* dog in our *actual* yard. That's a game I could get behind but the children lack some enthusiasm for it. Go figure.
These things drive me nuts. They're like bath beads. But they're designed to just feel really good when you touch them. That's it. That's all they do. There's something about them that just screams "DANGER!!" to me. Maybe it's because I'm almost 39 and they look so squishy and pretty and cool that I almost want to put one in my mouth. How could my three year old resist? Then you know what I would call this toy? "Six Hours in The Emergency Room Waiting for The Attending Physician to Remove One from My Child's Left Nostril".
This game sprays potty water on the players. I've been trying to keep my kids out of the damn potty since they were old enough to walk. I mean, are you freaking kidding me? It sprays potty water everywhere? Why not glitter? And some Moon Sand? And then you'd have the trifecta of horrific, most hated substances for me to have clean. That's what I call a Merry F**king Christmas.
Soccer Boppers
These are essentially inflatable boxing gloves. At my house we would end up calling this product: "Sister Boppers"
Dr. Dreadful's Zombie Lab
Last year I said I would never buy the Creepy Crawly Bug Maker, which is a toy very similar to this one. But I caved and I bought it and my kids happily spend an entire day playing with it every couple of months. Also? The youngest one insists on calling it the "Creepy, Crawly Baby Maker". [heh heh heh] But I won't cave on this one. And I don't have to use my own words to tell you why. This is how the manufacturer describes this product:
  • Create your own delicious treats!
  • Eat bubbling brains and zombie skins
  • Inject spiders into the eyeballs
  • Watch the Zombie's jaw rip open as it pukes out a brain barf beverage
  • 1 Zombie Head, 2 Tools, 5 Pouches of Food, 1 Cup

In case you're interested, you can also check out a slideshow of these products on

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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