Monday, November 28, 2011

The Second Annual Christmas Toys That Suck List

Every year my kids ask for things for Christmas that they stand no chance of actually getting. The reason for this tends to be that they only want the products that someone has spent a small fortune advertising on television. They are little Pavlovian monkeys. The TV tells them they want Moon Sand, and it's Moon Sand they want.
So because we deal with this same thing every year, we present the second annual Christmas Toys That Suck List.


Let’s Rock Elmo
One of this year's hottest toys, it should also be called "Let's Give Mommy An Eye Twitch Elmo".


Monster High dolls
Lots of people love these dolls and the show that features these characters. I will state for the record that I've never seen the show. My 8 year old daughter thinks that everything Monster High is completely and utterly awesome. I think they look like a genetic hybrid of a Bratz doll and the 3 day old corpse of a slutty monster.

Stompeez
These are adorable. But they encourage kids to STOMP in order to get the cute slippers to do their thing. Do you have any idea how much noise my kids feet make already? I have to think this was product was developed by someone who hates parents or who has never actually spent time with anyone under the age of 17.

Also? This Stompeez character is called Sir One Eyed Monster. ::snicker::

Power Rangers Samurai Mega Blade
This toy got called out as being one of the ten most dangerous of the year. That’s pretty easy to believe given that when you see kids playing with it, it looks deadly and horrifying. I can’t imagine arming a hyper little dude with an actual dangerous weapon is a good idea. If I gave this to my 6 year old, we'd end up at either the emergency room or juvenile detention within three hours.

The Incredible Shrinky Dinks Maker
This toy was identified as one of the most dangerous of the year because of the risk of electrocution. Whuck?! Shrinky Dinks are awesome! Why tart them up with some lame-o Easy Bake contraption that could kill you? For the love of Pete, just use the oven to make Shrinky Dinks, as nature intended it.


Justin Beiber anything
No explanation required.


La La Loopsy
These are also some of the hottest toys of the year. And lots of people love them. I thought they were really cute, too - until I took a good look at them. Then I got the chills. Personally, I find them terrifying. The button eyes? Are frightening as hell. I’m truly concerned they might come to life when we’re sleeping and do unspeakable things. Look at their little faces and imagine them saying: "Mommy is asleep. Let's get the knives!"

Is it just me? Probably.


Squinkies
Why not just call them Chokies? Seriously.



Kung Zhu Pets Ninja Warrior Hamster
All three of my kids like this toy and consistently play with the ones we have. Here’s my issue: some Zhu Zhu pets never stop making bizarre squeaky noises and there is no OFF button. Why would you do that, people who manufacture Zhu Zhu pets? Do you hate me? Do you enjoy robbing me of sleep?

Also, I just think the notion of “Ninja Warrior Hamster” is hilarious.


Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Boys who love video games have been indoctrinated into the idea that the Call of Duty series is THE MOST AWESOME THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. And since this is the newest Call of Duty, it is the best and therefor boys who love video games HAVE to have this game. Except my son is 6 years old. So keep it the hell out of my house. None of these games is for little guys and yet "cool parents" everywhere think its fine to buy them for 6 year olds and make me look like the meanest mommy ever.


Doggy Doo
A game that is essentially about watching a dog crap. I just don't understand how this product made it out of beta testing. Were there no sane people in the focus group? I mean, I spend hours begging my kids to help me clean up *actual* doggy doo from our *actual* dog in our *actual* yard. That's a game I could get behind but the children lack some enthusiasm for it. Go figure.
Orbeez
These things drive me nuts. They're like bath beads. But they're designed to just feel really good when you touch them. That's it. That's all they do. There's something about them that just screams "DANGER!!" to me. Maybe it's because I'm almost 39 and they look so squishy and pretty and cool that I almost want to put one in my mouth. How could my three year old resist? Then you know what I would call this toy? "Six Hours in The Emergency Room Waiting for The Attending Physician to Remove One from My Child's Left Nostril".
Flush
This game sprays potty water on the players. I've been trying to keep my kids out of the damn potty since they were old enough to walk. I mean, are you freaking kidding me? It sprays potty water everywhere? Why not glitter? And some Moon Sand? And then you'd have the trifecta of horrific, most hated substances for me to have clean. That's what I call a Merry F**king Christmas.
Soccer Boppers
These are essentially inflatable boxing gloves. At my house we would end up calling this product: "Sister Boppers"
Dr. Dreadful's Zombie Lab
Last year I said I would never buy the Creepy Crawly Bug Maker, which is a toy very similar to this one. But I caved and I bought it and my kids happily spend an entire day playing with it every couple of months. Also? The youngest one insists on calling it the "Creepy, Crawly Baby Maker". [heh heh heh] But I won't cave on this one. And I don't have to use my own words to tell you why. This is how the manufacturer describes this product:
  • Create your own delicious treats!
  • Eat bubbling brains and zombie skins
  • Inject spiders into the eyeballs
  • Watch the Zombie's jaw rip open as it pukes out a brain barf beverage
  • 1 Zombie Head, 2 Tools, 5 Pouches of Food, 1 Cup

In case you're interested, you can also check out a slideshow of these products on Babble.com.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

76 comments:

  1. I laughed/cried when I got to the toilet game.

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  2. So with you on the La La Loopsy dolls.....creeeeeepy

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  3. The Power Rangers Samurai thing... yeah... let me tell you a little story. Our niece's son is 10. He and his cousins (from the other side of the family) were playing.. with REAL Samurai swords. Yes, you read that correctly. Well.... the cousin decided he needed.to.stab.our.nephew.in.the.eye. ON PURPOSE! With a real murther furking sword. Our nephew has lost his eye and is awaiting his glass-eye. At 10 years old. Sooooo.... no pretend Samurai ANYTHING for anyone in this family. E.V.E.R.

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  4. My kids want Doggy Do and Flush. No fracking way am I getting them a game that encourages them to play in the toilet/play with doggy doo. Next thing I know.....they will be doing it when they aren't playing the game.

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  5. Omgosh! How can I not comment on each of these? We got socket bobbers for Christmas a few years ago. Within five minutes we had a bloody nose.

    As a mom of three boys, Call of Duty is a serious addiction around here. The problem is my youngest is six and he wants to play what his big brothers are playing. Not a good idea to teach a kinder boy to be a mercenary.

    Finally, I saw no mention of Tattoo Barbie. I'm thinking she's on my naughty list.

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  6. The Monster High Dolls kind of remind me of the slutty selection of Halloween Costumes.

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  7. Have you ever seen the Coraline movie? A very Tim Burton-esque version of La La Loopsy and very creepy.

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  8. Thought you would love this one: Barbie has a dog that poops!

    http://www.amazon.com/Barbie-Forever-Doll-Tanner-Dog/dp/B000ELIXA4

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  9. I sooooooooo agree with all this! Esp. about the stupid dog poop game. It's already SO hard to get little boys to stop taking about poop. Who on earth thought up that one?!

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  10. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this list! Personally I think the pooping dog is hilarious but then again we're "between dogs" so we don't have actual steaming, smelly dog crap to clean up right now.

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  11. I will say GOOD FOR YOU for not succumbing to the Call of Duty monster. I will say that attraction to that game does wane--at age 17!

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  12. Hey Sir One Eyed Monster...let's you, me and the rest of the Goonies go look for One Eyed Willie!! LOL.

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  13. La la loopsy dolls = Scary! Have you ever seen Coraline?
    Ans I'm so with you on the Monster High Dolls. I was the meanest mom ever for not allowing my daughter to play with Bratz (why would you promote being bratty...and they look like they should be working the corner) and these dolls either!

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  14. I will be the voice of dissent on sqinkies. My boys LOVE them. They don't take batteries, make noise, take up almost no room, and if you step on one in the middle of the night it doesn't feel like razor blades! As long as your kids are past the "everything goes in mouth" stage, squink away!!

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  15. OK so I am reading the post and my 3 year old (well almost 4 year old) son walks over and sees the "Doogy Doo" game on the screen. He says "What's dat?" and I say "It's a gross new game that makes you clean up dog poop." and he promptly says "I WANT DAT!" Ugh.

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  16. I also thought of the Coraline book (and movie) when I saw the La La Loopsy dolls. No thank you! However, I will go for the socker boppers. Has to be better than full-on fists! And get two so little sis can fight back!

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  17. How you feel about the La La Loopsie dolls is how I feel about Sock Monkeys. Sock Monkeys are obviously demon possessed homicidal minions of evil. Why does nobody see this???

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  18. The La La Loopsey dolls remind me of the movie Coraline, with the weird other mother and her doll eyes.

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  19. La La Loopsy = Coraline. I, too, would be having nightmares of scary mommy coming to sew buttons for my eyes....

    great list! I've already said NO and Heck NO to eight of those. Thankfully my daughter isn't really big enough to care about Monster High (yet) and has outgrown Elmo. I missed Shrinky Dinks the first time around, so those aren't appealing and no one, I repeat, no one in my house has anything but hate for The Beibs. So we're safe from that one.

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  20. Monster High: I let nothing that looks like a whore in my home, unless she's family.
    Stompeez: so funny, but OMG if my pint-sized 4yo isn't heavy enough to make the flaps flap? It would be Toypocalypse in the house. I imagine flying slippers in all directions.
    Kung Zoo: we have some of these. Some do shut off, some don't. The ones that don't? They go on long-distant ninja adventures. Ie: the garbage.
    As far as Call of Duty? It horrifies me. And if anyone ever gave that to one of my little kids, I'd be more violent to the giver than anything in that video game.
    Oh. What ever happened to simple PlayDoh and Matchbox cars? Cheap & quiet. It's all I ask for....sigh. Well, that and to not teach my kids how to maim/murder others.

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  21. Love the list! AND - "one-eyed monster" bahahaha. Slippers that are annoying and offensive all at once. Awesome.

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  22. My Sister in law (who is preggo and I'm so getting her back!) just got the pooping dog game for my 5 year old. He's ENTHRALLED! The 'treats' that you have to make are yellow green and glow in the dark (so you can't hide it on the top shelf, I tried) The game is a train wreck, I'm thinking it's gonna make a hell of a drinking game for us grownups though. ;D (Every time the Dog Poops Take a Drink!
    The flushing potty game... the people that think this stuff up must be mental! Oh and I'm twitching just looking at Elmo.

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  23. NO Moon Sand, NONONONONONONONONO!!

    Sorry, was there more after that bit? I think I lost consciousness for a minute.

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  24. TifsSEA - that is horrifying! I fel so bad for that boy...both of them actually, because now the other has to live with the knowledge that he caused that. But WTH were those parents thinking!? I hope this accident caused them to realize how irresponsible they were being, but somehow I bet they just blamed it on the child now using common sense by aiming for the eye....

    Laurie - the tattoo Barbie is made for adult collectors, only sold online, very expensive and not intended for children. That being said, I have a tattoo, i love tattoos and i would have no problem with my children having a tattood doll. =)

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  25. Thank GOD my 6 year old thinks Justin Beaver is LAME-O. She does however want the stupid Orbeeze Foot Spot (because spa isn't even a real word) The other one that makes her foam at the mouth is the Bratz Masquerade crap.....And I did gain a meanest mommy ever title when I said UH NO, nothing Bratz will come into this house....Santa checks with mommy before he makes his final list and I have VETO power....but veto isn't a real word apparently, what do I know?

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  26. We LOVE Lala Loopsy dolls here, we have 4 of them and clothing! Of course my favorite movie is Nightmare before Christmas and my 5 year old LOVES Coraline :)

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  27. Oh my word! I totally loved this...thanks for starting my morning w/a laugh!

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  28. Who would get COD for a kid?? Hub plays Battlefield 3 but only when kids are asleep. My older one already play fights after playing Lego Star Wars. He doesn't need to see any FPS games.

    Unfortunately my 17 month old will be getting the Elmo for Xmas, courtesy of the grandparents. I can only hope the Elmo phase is short!!

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  29. It is so good to know that we all hate the same toys and somehow they will all still be best sellers this year. Frackin commercials!

    I have asked several times that no one else buy anything squinkies or zhu zhu related so I assume that means they will be the gift most given to my children. Since everyone in my family asks my opinion of gifts for them but has neve actually taken my recommendations to heart.

    Shrinky dinks...we really needed a machine that kids cant use unsupervised to replace the oven that kids cant use unsupervised? Really.

    I dont know what monster high is or how my 5yo learned about it, but somehow she thinks that they are awesome. Not happening.

    My son wants the zombie thing, but everytime he asks for it he also mentions that he is scared of it. So which is it kid? Nevermind, you're not getting it anyway.

    And I strongly agree with your sentiment on LaLa.

    Urgh. Merry Christmas!!

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  30. I'm SO glad I'm not the only one who thinks La La Loopsy dolls are creepy. And is it just me, or are today's designers of little girls' toys having just a few too many "special" brownies? I haven't seen any new girl toy that I'd want to give one of nieces!

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  31. At least your kids ask for things that actually exist. Last year my five year old asked for "the golden key that unlocks everything" (always said in a mystical high pitched voice with big swooping arm movements).

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  32. HAHAHAHAHA.... So half of those toys are seriously on my girls list! The one I lost it on was the Stompees...My girls are all about them.. I assume anyoen who watches Sprout is all about them, along with Happy Nappers and the darn cookie maker set (which would be playdough set in this house if I actually considered buying it, which I don't!!!)

    And the Doggie Doo commercial CRACKS me up.. do you see how happy mom is?!?! She is like the stepford mom of SAHM....she is all about incouraging the kids to play with poop!!!! LOL So bad!!

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  33. My 3-yr-old just sat next to me and recognized the bottom third of the photo for Stompeez. The commercials indoctrinate them so well!

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  34. I totally agree with you about the Lala Loopsy Dolls. They really freak me out. I don't know what it is about those button eyes but they freak me out LOL... And We don't do the Monster High dolls either. My youngest want both but I refuse to buy them, never allowed Bratz dolls either.

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  35. What about wuggle pets? UGH! the commercials play alllll thhheee time! Yeah, I really want my girls to have access to batting and glitter confetti. I can see it covering my house now.

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  36. one eyed monster, LMFAO!! Are you SERIOUS?!? What marketing GENIUS let that name through?

    and the la la loopsy doll, "My name is talking Tina, and I'm going to kill you." (with head tilted sideways and psychotic eyes) oh HELL no. Remember My Buddy? and then they came out with Chucky? He didn't last long in our house after that movie.

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  37. I'm so glad I'm not the only one whose mind went to "Chokies" when they first saw Squinkies. Ugh.

    And even my (then) 5 yr old thinks the doggie doo game is gross. When he first saw the commercial, he goes "ewwwww that's just Gah-ROSS!" haha!! There is something wrong with a toy when even a 5 yr old boy thinks it is disgusting.

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  38. Oh, I think those "Lollapalooza" dolls are cute! Of course when I was a child I thought the Cabbage Patch dolls were creepy hideous, and still do to this day - uck!

    I do agree on mostly everything else.

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  39. I think Doogie Doo must have been designed for parents who want to convince children they don't really want a dog. In which case— BRILLIANT! Add that to my cart, please.

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  40. The Doggie Doo and Flush toys just killed me. My kids really don't need any toys that encourage further interaction with toilets and turds.

    But my husband will find his very own pair of one-eyes monster slippers under the tree this year...

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  41. Tee hee hee, I've already purchased three of these products for various family members but I have a feeling stompeez are in the cards from the MIL.

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  42. If I'm remembering correctly it was your First Annual List that declared glitter 'the herpes of the craft world', and I still laugh anytime I think about how true that is. So thank you.

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  43. My 7 year old niece LOVES La La Loopsy dolls. She's thinks they're hilarious because they have button eyes and silly names (my fav it Pepper Pots n Pans, because I'm a huge Iron Man fan). The mini ones, however, look like hell on wheels. So... many... parts... GAH!

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  44. I am sooo glad my almost 10 year old hasn't asked for ANYTHING on this list. Bratz? Monster High? Heck NO, that's just toxic waste for girls' self image. And don't get me started on scatological games for kids. We get enough burp/fart/body noises from them as it is. (Why didn't someone tell me kids were so darn GROSS before I had them??) Unfortunately, DD has rather expensive taste, and wants her own iPod Touch. (Um, no, not unless Mom gets one first and figures out how to use it to head off the inevitable "Why won't this stupid thing WORK?!" tantrum when she can't make it do what she wants the first time. . . .) No COD here for the 13 year old boy, either - although he hasn't expressed an interest in it yet, and has been happy enough with one of the early Medal of Honor games. He likes racing games, but there's NO WAY Grand Theft Auto is entering our house either. But he still loves Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars, so guess what's going in his stocking for the 11th year in a row?

    So many awful toys, so little time to dis them all.

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  45. Don't know if you've tried this, but if you put the Kung Zhu hamsters on their back they will go to sleep and stop making those mur.thur.furking noises. Well, the ones that live in my house work that way, anyway. Good luck!

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  46. My son's father (who doesn't live with my husband and I, or see my son very often) got my son that samuari sword the last time he saw him. Let me tell you, that thing is a death trap. And it makes the most ridiculous annoying noise. I'm waiting for a convenient time for it to...disappear. Oh, and he also got him one of those Zhu Zhu pet things that NEVER. SHUTS. UP.
    Obviously, he doesn't have any idea what it's like to actually live with those toys.

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  47. I think girls toys are just pitiful these days. Maybe they always have been which is why I always played with boys' stuff...hmmmm.....

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  48. Talk about your 'first world problems'! This tsunami of plasticized un-recyclables should be rejected because the items are manufactured by wage slaves and may well contain toxic materials. Whether or not one or the other will hurt your foot when you step on it is besides the point.

    As for the first person shooter war game ... why would anyone want to start desensitizing their child to killing?

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  49. As a wife to a 31 year old man who just rented Call of Duty, I can promise that the lure of these video games does not wane at 17.........

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  50. THANK you.

    My poor boys. They're 11 and 8, and they're some of the only boys we know who aren't allowed to play all the war games with actual shooting and blood and guts and...ugh. So, our oldest is teased because he's not cool, because he doesn't play these games, and he's not on-the-ball enough to lie about it. Sigh.

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  51. I told the family that I will get medieval on anyone giving my son half the toys on this list.

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  52. My daughter loves Squinkies and the dog loves to chew on them...I'm more worried about the dog choking on them (thank u that will be $500 at the emergency vet) lol

    And moon sand is the devil's creation...

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  53. Soooooooooo glad you included the Stompees!

    Moon Sand is, indeed, EVIL. My son, the four-year-old former Devil who was ousted after a mutinous rage, thinks its the Best. Thing. Ever... So it must be evil.

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  54. I'm not a mommy. But I enjoy reading your blog.
    I will NEVER give ANY of these to my kids. NEVER.

    Oh and about those hamster things? Yeah I was sleeping at my fiancé's house one night.. one of the dogs got ahold of the damn thing, started chewing on it and it started making noises and woke me up at 3 in the frucking morning... i thought something was dying and good lord i thought i was having a heart attack!

    Love the list! and the dog poop game? Ewwww? who the hell creates the dumb things?!

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  55. I'm pretty sure I know a boy who will get the samurai item and use it on my daughter...arrogant little whuck. and yet his mother will wonder why my daughter is either crying or pounding on the little sh*t.
    My daughter loves the lala loopsy dolls, but I see your point, they could be chuckie-esq.
    And any games that are poop or potty related should be a no-no for the potty talk set.

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  56. Bwa-ha-ha! We have the original German version of that dog poop game. It's called Kackel Dackel. We have never played, but it entertained us immensely when my cousin sent it to us! :)

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  57. You forgot the T Pain Microphone! AUTO TUNE--Enough said! Just hearing those two words sends me to flashbacks of a long rainy day listening to endless versions of Charlie bit my finger, most in auto tune. I have advised everyone please not to gift this to my kids, unless they want to care for them when I'm sent away... ;)

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  58. I disagree on some of it. My daughter likes monster high legitimately and I'm not going to be the over thinking mom with a popsicle up her bum and take that away. Thats like atheists telling you God sucks...well you're entitled to your opinions and so are kids. Get off your soap box and stop being sheeple jeez.

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  59. My 3 year old LOVES the mini LaLa Loopsy's but only if they are wearing skirts. If they are wearing the pantaloon things, then she thinks they are boys and she leaves them out of everything. I actually have begun to feel sorry for them. However, my oldest was completely freaked out by them because she hated the Coraline movie.

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  60. I'm seriously considering a set of soccer boppers...then I could just give them to the girls and last man standing gets the last bowl of lucky charms!

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  61. Wow! What a list. This is why my kid only watches educational programming on PBS. No commercials...although Elmo is on Sesame Street. I don't bother making lists for my kids anymore...no one (especially MIL) follows them. Whatever happened to blocks, duplos, play-doh, and art supplies. And the best dolls out there that you will never see advertised...Only Hearts Club. They don't have tattoos, slutty clothes, Dolly Parton Boobs, or anything else objectionable. They just look like little girls with little girl figures and clothes that most little girls wear...no juicy written across the bottom. Advertising really stinks.

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  62. Thank God someone said it! Those Monster High dolls look like Goth Hookers! Why would I want my girls playing with something like that?! I have to admit never seen the show, I don't even know if it's on in Canada but will avoid it if it is. My kindergartener has been looking at them in Walmart and all I can tell her is "we don't need Halloween dolls at Christmas". Both girls are getting Loopsy dolls though... they think they're crazy and so cute. Squinkies are vacuum cleaner candy.

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  63. Sorry, Kate & Lydia, I do let my girls (10 & 13) play with Monster High dolls. I don't think they are as trashy as Bratz. Maybe I don't take them too seriously because of all the monster puns.

    I had to share what I overheard while the girls playing with their Monster High dolls:
    (similar in size to Barbies, but with spooky looks, names, and detachable body parts).
    Princess Imagination: My doll has two left hands!
    Pink Ballerina: My doll has two right hands! I know, you give me your right left hand and I'll give you my left right hand.
    (Both girls remove a hand and exchange them.)
    Imagination: Wait! Now my doll's hands are backwards!
    Ballerina: That's because you put the right hand on the left arm. Silly girl!

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  64. Sorry Im a new reader... but from what Im seeing here.. do you think Bratz dolls are ok? To me they are just as bad as the Monster High dolls. They look like sluts!

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  65. You could always give this movie along with the Doggy Doo gift to make it complete.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5A9gukuizDU

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  66. I don't have kids, although I've a grand-nephew and niece... came by this post because of the title, had to see what not to buy. I LOVE the way you write... I almost peed myself laughing at your description of the flush toy.... too funny!
    I have to share it

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  67. HAHAHA!! I love this list. Hilarious.

    Though to the reader who mentioned she'd add Tattoo Barbie (collector doll, btw, not necessarily for kids) to the list, I have to disagree. I and most of my friends have tattoos, so I don't see what the problem is with giving my daughter a doll that looks like people she sees every day. *shrug*

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  68. Zhu zhu pet insider tip.. Press and hold button on the middle of its back and it will make a little jingle type deal and go to sleep!

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  69. The little LaLaLoopsy polly pocket type things are cute... but the full size ones terrify me too! I feel the same about Bratz dolls... I think it's called Moxie dolls? are a good alternative.

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  70. Bratz Dolls are not allowed in my house, but I let Monster High slide. My 7 year old has always had a thing for "monsters" (in a non-morbid way), and the show isn't bad. I'd rather her watch that than half the crap on The Disney Channel.

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  71. Fellow Americans,

    Can we stop being so #$%!! obsessed with SAFETY for crying out loud?!? Because most of you losers are so ridiculous, toys today absolutely STINK!!!

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  72. My kids are entertained and creative with their squinkies!! At first they annoyed me when the grandparents gave them to my kids for Christmas, but once I found a big baggie to contain them and my kids actually played nicely with them I decided they weren't so bad after all. I have to admit I still haven't figured out why they all have this plastic ball to go in--just the squinkies themselves will do, they don't need a plastic ball to live in.

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  73. It is a very informative and useful post thanks it is good material to read this post increases my knowledge’s have been looking for sites like this for a long time. Thank you! MyKidsGuide

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  74. I disagree with your opinion on monster high

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