Monday, November 7, 2011

Sometimes You Should Listen to Your Husband

Just so you don’t think I’ve written something ridiculous thing like how you should obey your husband or anything, let me share with you the alternate title of this post: 

“A couple of examples of when NOT to tune out the sound of your husband’s voice or you will really, really regret it”.

I love my husband and think he is the funniest, smartest, coolest guy in the whole, wide world.  But sometimes when he talks to me, I just want to him to stop.  Because I’m busy with the kids or a task that I just need three more seconds to finish and (the most likely scenario) I am semi-conscious from having spent all day with the kids.

A few months ago, one of our amazing and brilliant readers left a comment about her husband trying to talk to her when she was working on the computer.  She said: “Honey, you know that thing you’re doing with your mouth? Where words come out of it? You need to stop that.”

It’s not that bad at my house.  Not yet.  It isn’t that I want Cap’n Coupon to stop talking to me altogether.  I like him and his words.  It’s just there’s this very brief period of each day where I really just want to be quiet.  It’s actually late at night.  Sadly, it’s pretty much the only time all day where it’s even possible to have a conversation because our children, bless their precious hearts, seem dedicated to creating cacophonous levels of noise the entire time that they are awake. 

So the house will finally be quiet and the Cap’n will try to maybe, possibly have an adult conversation with his wife.  And all I hear is the sound that Charlie Brown’s teacher makes.  I’m not proud of this but at the end of the day, I’m really tired.  Sometimes it’s close to ten o’clock before the kids are asleep and things have settled down to the point where I can just. sit. down.  And not think for a few minutes. And not hear people ask me to do things.  And not be frenetically running through a mental inventory of what all needs to get done.

I just want to watch House Hunters International and occasionally look at my phone to see if Kate has texted me and maybe drink a glass of wine.  I don’t want to talk about Rick Perry, who is apparently some dude from Texas who wants to President.  I made the very accurate observation that he sounds *exactly* like Will Ferrell imitating George W. Bush and the Cap’n was like: “Really, Lydia. What about the issues?”

Well, the first issue is that I DON’T CARE.  The second is that I would much rather watch Will Ferrell on stage than Rick Perry and the third is that there is a couple moving from Oklahoma to Prague on House Hunters International right now and this woman seems genuinely distressed that her new home will not have a ½ acre fully fenced back yard so that her schnauzers can romp and play.

I want to go be there. I want to go be there now.
HGTV is a real marital problem for us.  You can read all about it why I hate it (but also sort of love it) right here in Babble.  The Cap’n can watch about 15 seconds of anything on that network before he begins complaining about how boring and stupid it is.  I usually tune that out, too. Because as much as he gets offended and huffy about me not listening, it’s not like he doesn’t understand.  By 11:00pm, we’re both pretty much worthless, exhausted and speaking in one syllable words. 

And also? If there is one thing you can do to irritate the Cap’n, it’s trying to talk to him during a University of Michigan football game.  He will pause the TV, stare at you over his glasses and sigh. As if you have just caused the international debt crisis and given a kitten cancer because you asked him about his schedule during the third quarter.  Basically, we’ve all learned the hard way. When Michigan is playing – don’t poke the bear. Or he will get all snarly.

So it’s not just me.  And I know I need to stop tuning him out all the time.  Because sometimes, failing to listen to my husband really turns out to bite me in the keister. 

Example 1: “Honey. You really don’t want to let the dog kiss you right now. Honey. Seriously. Don’t let the dog kiss your face! He just stole a pull-up from the diaper pail and GAAHHHHHH!!” ::gagging noises::
(Note: There is not enough soap. In the world.)

Did you say something about American Express?
Because I was distracted by the dude on the left's highlights. 


Example 2: “As a matter of fact, I did tell you that I paid the Amex bill.  It’s just that you were watching Property Brothers so apparently when you said “Yup, hmmm mmm, I heard you” what you actually meant was “I’m not listening to anything you say but if I murmur something, you might stop talking.” So that overdraft is totally your fault, genius.”
(Note:  AWWWW crap. When husbands are right all the time, it becomes very difficult to live with them.)

Example 3: “The landlord is coming over on Thursday, so you should probably try and make sure the house is presentable.”
(Note: The usual state of my house is such that when the landlord surprised me, he thought there had been another earthquake. I let him think that.)

Example 4: “I need cash for the train tomorrow, so I took some money out of your wallet. Like – all of it. That’s ok, right?”
(Note: Do you know when I discovered that I had no money? After spending 45 minutes shopping at a packed consignment sale that ONLY TOOK CASH.)

Example 5: “The downstairs toilet is running, so I turned off the water to it until the plumber gets here tomorrow. Whatever you do, DON’T LET THE KIDS POOP IN THERE before tomorrow afternoon.”
(Note: You know that scene from Dumb & Dumber? Imagine the person who had to deal with the aftermath of that except in the presence of a thoroughly disgusted plumber.)

Given how lucky I am to be married to Cap’n Coupon, I should really try to have as many meaningful conversations as possible.  And we will, once House Hunters is over.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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