Monday, November 7, 2011

Sometimes You Should Listen to Your Husband

Just so you don’t think I’ve written something ridiculous thing like how you should obey your husband or anything, let me share with you the alternate title of this post: 

“A couple of examples of when NOT to tune out the sound of your husband’s voice or you will really, really regret it”.

I love my husband and think he is the funniest, smartest, coolest guy in the whole, wide world.  But sometimes when he talks to me, I just want to him to stop.  Because I’m busy with the kids or a task that I just need three more seconds to finish and (the most likely scenario) I am semi-conscious from having spent all day with the kids.

A few months ago, one of our amazing and brilliant readers left a comment about her husband trying to talk to her when she was working on the computer.  She said: “Honey, you know that thing you’re doing with your mouth? Where words come out of it? You need to stop that.”

It’s not that bad at my house.  Not yet.  It isn’t that I want Cap’n Coupon to stop talking to me altogether.  I like him and his words.  It’s just there’s this very brief period of each day where I really just want to be quiet.  It’s actually late at night.  Sadly, it’s pretty much the only time all day where it’s even possible to have a conversation because our children, bless their precious hearts, seem dedicated to creating cacophonous levels of noise the entire time that they are awake. 

So the house will finally be quiet and the Cap’n will try to maybe, possibly have an adult conversation with his wife.  And all I hear is the sound that Charlie Brown’s teacher makes.  I’m not proud of this but at the end of the day, I’m really tired.  Sometimes it’s close to ten o’clock before the kids are asleep and things have settled down to the point where I can just. sit. down.  And not think for a few minutes. And not hear people ask me to do things.  And not be frenetically running through a mental inventory of what all needs to get done.

I just want to watch House Hunters International and occasionally look at my phone to see if Kate has texted me and maybe drink a glass of wine.  I don’t want to talk about Rick Perry, who is apparently some dude from Texas who wants to President.  I made the very accurate observation that he sounds *exactly* like Will Ferrell imitating George W. Bush and the Cap’n was like: “Really, Lydia. What about the issues?”

Well, the first issue is that I DON’T CARE.  The second is that I would much rather watch Will Ferrell on stage than Rick Perry and the third is that there is a couple moving from Oklahoma to Prague on House Hunters International right now and this woman seems genuinely distressed that her new home will not have a ½ acre fully fenced back yard so that her schnauzers can romp and play.

I want to go be there. I want to go be there now.
HGTV is a real marital problem for us.  You can read all about it why I hate it (but also sort of love it) right here in Babble.  The Cap’n can watch about 15 seconds of anything on that network before he begins complaining about how boring and stupid it is.  I usually tune that out, too. Because as much as he gets offended and huffy about me not listening, it’s not like he doesn’t understand.  By 11:00pm, we’re both pretty much worthless, exhausted and speaking in one syllable words. 

And also? If there is one thing you can do to irritate the Cap’n, it’s trying to talk to him during a University of Michigan football game.  He will pause the TV, stare at you over his glasses and sigh. As if you have just caused the international debt crisis and given a kitten cancer because you asked him about his schedule during the third quarter.  Basically, we’ve all learned the hard way. When Michigan is playing – don’t poke the bear. Or he will get all snarly.

So it’s not just me.  And I know I need to stop tuning him out all the time.  Because sometimes, failing to listen to my husband really turns out to bite me in the keister. 

Example 1: “Honey. You really don’t want to let the dog kiss you right now. Honey. Seriously. Don’t let the dog kiss your face! He just stole a pull-up from the diaper pail and GAAHHHHHH!!” ::gagging noises::
(Note: There is not enough soap. In the world.)

Did you say something about American Express?
Because I was distracted by the dude on the left's highlights. 


Example 2: “As a matter of fact, I did tell you that I paid the Amex bill.  It’s just that you were watching Property Brothers so apparently when you said “Yup, hmmm mmm, I heard you” what you actually meant was “I’m not listening to anything you say but if I murmur something, you might stop talking.” So that overdraft is totally your fault, genius.”
(Note:  AWWWW crap. When husbands are right all the time, it becomes very difficult to live with them.)

Example 3: “The landlord is coming over on Thursday, so you should probably try and make sure the house is presentable.”
(Note: The usual state of my house is such that when the landlord surprised me, he thought there had been another earthquake. I let him think that.)

Example 4: “I need cash for the train tomorrow, so I took some money out of your wallet. Like – all of it. That’s ok, right?”
(Note: Do you know when I discovered that I had no money? After spending 45 minutes shopping at a packed consignment sale that ONLY TOOK CASH.)

Example 5: “The downstairs toilet is running, so I turned off the water to it until the plumber gets here tomorrow. Whatever you do, DON’T LET THE KIDS POOP IN THERE before tomorrow afternoon.”
(Note: You know that scene from Dumb & Dumber? Imagine the person who had to deal with the aftermath of that except in the presence of a thoroughly disgusted plumber.)

Given how lucky I am to be married to Cap’n Coupon, I should really try to have as many meaningful conversations as possible.  And we will, once House Hunters is over.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

24 comments:

  1. The hgtv links not working!

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  2. I do the same thing to my hubby. He will be looking right at me, telling me about something, then ask me a question. And since I wasn't listening, I will answer the question with an "I don't know." To which he usually says, "I thought you knew everything!"

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  3. O.M.G. I didn't think I could love you guys any more, but then you went and quoted the " No, I was just....shaving!! " Dumb & Dumber scene.

    I wish I knew you guys in real life.

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  4. This site: the BEST in the world.

    I want to do the funny stuff you do with putting your own stuff in the pictures.

    Truly: loved this part: "don't let the kids poop in the toilet."

    'cuz....ooops.

    You guys: the best.

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  5. Once again Lydia, you convince me we are twins separated at birth. I don't want to have serious talks about important stuff after the kids go to bed b/c my brain is mush by then and we can't talk when the kids are up b/c obviously so we don't talk much which makes me sad that duh, we don't talk much! It is quite a vicious cycle. Let me know if you figure something out, b/c with both of my yahoos in school, I try to call hubby while he's at work, but he's always busy. So that doesn't seem to work either. Hmmmm...

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  6. Love It! My hubby is also a Wolverine so I totally hear you about the Michigan football games. However, its the ENTIRE day of Saturday that we can't talk to him because he is watching College Game Day ALL.DAY.LONG.

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  7. So now I'm wondering if my husband doesn't really sound like the Charlie Brown teacher... If that's just the way I hear him. I know I get a confused look on my face every time he talks to me and say huh? and what? A LOT. Poor guy... He probably thinks I'm an idiot!

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  8. The epic one that I managed was when my almost-mechanic husband came in while I had a rare moment when both my kids were asleep BEFORE the new Criminal Minds. Of course, the hubby thought the time between the commercials was a great time to tell me an important bit of information.
    Hubby: I got that part for your car, and it's mostly on, but I'm not going to be able to finish it tonight. I disabled your car, so you won't be able to turn it on or anything. I'll take my truck to school tomorrow and finish it when I get home after you take Squeebo to preschool and the little one to your grandma's. Just take my car, the carseats are already in it anyways. (I'm paraphrasing because I don't know exactly what was said).
    Me: (mentally) I could watch Derek Morgan all day.
    The next morning I spent about thirty minutes trying to switch carseats and put kids in the car with a cranky three year old screaming at me and a hungry baby not wanting to wait until I got to grandmas to eat. Finally settle in, turn key... nothing.
    Angry phone call to husband gets the "I told you last night!"
    We were pretty late to preschool that day.

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  9. Your picture of Mom having a nervous breakdown because NO ONE WILL SHUT THEIR FRICKITY FRACKIN PIE HOLES FOR 30 FLIPPIN SECONDS is my life. My boys don't stop (19 months and 3 1/2), then my husband comes home from "work" and ALSO wants to talk about politics, football, something something, I'm not sure what because I'm just not listening ANY MORE!!!! Ahhhh...the sweet blessed sound of silence is all I crave...but then it would be TOO quiet and I would know something is up! Something that would most likely make my eye twitch.

    ~Cat

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  10. I just had to send this to my husband - and promise him that while I didn't write this, I easily could have. Except that he likes HGTV. Thanks ladies - for once again reminding me that I am not the only one :)

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  11. My husband and I both do this to each other. It's hysterical and really annoying at the same time. Though, luckily for me, my hubby is the early to bed type. So, I have veg time after everyone else is in bed. Then I turn on HGTV and promptly crash out on the couch.

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  12. My man "works" from home, so we get to have "meaningful conversations" all...day...long. When I deliver the evil stare, his wounded look makes me feel like a bitch. Thankfully, I get to walk the dog several times a day!

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  13. At my house, we have a "Don't-Talk-To-Mommy-About-
    Anything-Important-After-10 p.m. Rule." It has helped things a lot.

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  14. So my friend sends me a box of chocolates for xmas every year. The caramel quality varies year to year. So as my husband and I sat down to gluttonize the box while watching reruns of Six Feet Under, I asked him,"So how do you think the caramels are going to be this year?" He looked really excited and said. "Wow. I am really glad you asked me. I think LaRussa has picked a really good lineup and that Pujols will really come into his own..." I said, "WTF are you talking about? I just asked you about caramels." His reply, "Oh, I thought you said Cardinals." My reply, "WhyTF would I ask you that. Give me the chocolates."

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  15. If it even possible, my sweet sweet husband talks more than my five children. Combined.
    Also, he works a 72 hour shift, so he leaves Thursday and comes home Sunday, when it just so happens that Sister Wives and Medium are on TLC.

    The only time I am able to shut him up is with food or sex. An with five kids, well... Let's just say he's puttin on a little weight.

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  16. OMG... did I just write this post??!! Seriously... this is EXACTLY what my life is like. I DON"T care about this gun or that politician or this policy or that new backpacking crap you want to buy... just shhhhhh... no talking. For the love of Maude... no.more.words.

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  17. when he comes home i have missed him, but it is at that moment i am at wits end with the kids 2 and 4 and correcting them. they are tired from never napping and just making those screechy noises you described...the fresh beat band is on next to me, i am waiting for my 5 minute shower, partially half dressed, and you start telling me about so so at work which gets screamed over and i'm like what ? ok who again, this happens about 4 times, then i say i can't do this i must have add or something i love you. hey i might take the kids to the playground ok, cool...so i sit around, i tweeze my eyebrows for once and contemplate shaving, i get out of shower and he's mad bc we have 30 minutes before sun goes down...kids nees socks ( my house is in same state) but socks can be found...i am running with leg in on panthole toothbrush stuck in mouth wielding socks, trying to talk thru my toothbrush ( he can't stand that) flash fwd to 10 or 11pm we're finally having dinner, it's cleaned up, tv is on, he's getting his computer/slash free time and we just don't talk :( or it's about stuff that is govt. related to and i mm hmm and cringe lol, i want my jerseylicious! i love him i miss talking to HIM, and i am glad we watch a few shows together and talk about that, or that our relationship with the kids provides insides jokes, and we make fun of people just to each other...and occasionally i have to throw a water bottle in someones yard bc we are on a family walk in the neighborhood and i yell I JUST WANT A CHANCE TO TELL MY STORY!!! and neighbors go in from there porch, i retrieve bottle, yup! but i wouldn't change it, okay maybe a little

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  18. My husband goes to bed early, so I at least get some time at night. However, I HATE to talk on the phone during naptime! It seems like everyone wants to call to chitchat at naptime, which is my only break during the day! (I guess they don't like to talk to me while kids are screaming in the background/I'm screaming at kids in their ear.) Note to those people: I'M PUSHING IGNORE!!

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  19. maybe i should quit complaining about my silent type hubby. it's like pulling teeth sometimes to get that man to talk, but after this i just love him more for it. :)

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  20. All you women complain about us men not wanting to have conversations with you. We do and we have them, you just don't hear them if McDreamy is on.

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  21. Um, yup. Me too. MEEEEE TOOOOOO!!!

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  22. Thank MAUDE we have a DVR because invariably my hubby wants to talk about our taxes or the state of the onion (or was it union??) during Criminal Minds/Derek Morgan's dreamy eyebrows making an appearance. GAK. So I pause the show, fake like I'm listening, mutter something and go back to my show. Then he gets annoyed with me...at least I think that's what he said...

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  23. I just give blank stares after 10 pm. I tell them (hubby and teens) my brain is off. The downside... hubby has started waking me at 6am to talk. Now I need to turn off my brain at 9.

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  24. You should be ashamed of yourself. "I dont care" about the issues....Everyone should care about who we putting in charge to make decisions about our lives. House Hunters? Really? You are a complete waste if your rejecting interaction because you want to watch tv. You should treat your man like a king becuase he loves you and after reading this post I would bet most men wouldnt.

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