Wednesday, December 7, 2011

10 Things We Didn't Expect About Hookers Helping

Last Friday, we decided to try an experiment. You hookers know we love science and stuff. What we weren't prepared for? 1,400 emails in 2 days. And a couple hundred more every day after that. So please be patient with us, we're making great progress towards getting everyone matched but we're not there yet.

We are so happy to be doing this and we are so grateful to all of you. And here are ten things we didn't expect:

10) We're not actually hookers.

9) For the first time in the history of ever, Lydia got all her holiday stuff done by December 1. Kate thought she was joking at first. Apparently that was karma freeing up her schedule to do some serious holiday hooking. All she needs is fishnets.

8) Did you know that we have all kinds of people that want to party with us in Australia? WE LOVE THOSE B*TCHES.

7) For the first time in the history of ever, Kate has done nothing to get ready for the holidays, NOTHING. Usually she's done by now and smugly drinking warm, yuletide cocktails by the large window in her house. Enjoying watching passing pedestrians slip and fall on the ice. This year? No ice. No hot toddies. Not a single thing done. She blames this on the fact that she's turning 40 on Saturday and has now officially reached middle age.

6) Canadians? Could not be any cooler. And we mean that both ways.

5) We've gotten all these emails from our very awesome neighbors to the north about this hooker project and they're all like "Are you guys doing Canadians?" And we're like: "Oh even yesser. We're forever doing Canadians. Eh?"

4) That based on our mad math skillz, you guys will be sending and receiving anywhere between ten and twelve THOUSAND dollars in giftcards to each other. Maybe a lot more. Are you guys kidding us? You know what this means? That MommyLand should be running the freakin' world.

3) Timing wise, reading heartbreaking emails while in the throes of full-on PMS is maybe not a good idea. "Why is mommy crying AGAIN? Do computers make mommies cry?"

2) That we got three new Twitter followers. They're hookers. Real ones. Excellent.

1) Kate never thought this would work, because she's cynical and heartless and the girl Grinch. But then we got this tremendous response and now Lydia gets to be right and say booyah and shake her PajamaJeaned ass at Kate while doing the I Told Ya So Dance. And, after all, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

75 comments:

  1. I tried to send my email, but it got bounced :(

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  2. Yes, you absolutely should be running the world...or at the very least, our country! I nominate Kate & Lydia for President and VP in 2012. Who's with me? And when they get elected they can do things like send Randy the Laundry Fairy to serve in Againistan so another soldier can come home and subject all the "Perfect Mommies" to run over-crowded, under-funded daycares for all the "normal Mommies" to have some 'me' time. Ahhhh....the possibilities are endless! Thank you again ladies for coming up with this brilliant idea! Love you guys and all you do!

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  3. I'm a happy hooker with a red envelope on its way!

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  4. Been following the hookers and I think this is way awesome.... I'm still fearing everything but I try to have hope for my huge family! You guys are awesome!

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  5. I'm SO excited!! You've created a veritable ARMY of glitter-caped unicorns.

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  6. Could you video the "I told ya so dance" and then post it please?

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  7. You ladies are effing rock stars.... I mean it. I can't wait to see who pair me up with!!! I'm SO excited to be helping some fantastic, awesome mama hooker out!!! I'll do the PajamaJean dance right along with Lydia... 'cuz PajamaJeans are the bomb!

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  8. So does that make us "Down Under Hookers"? (Am I even allowed to type that?).

    Cheers,
    Cate (from Australia)

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  9. Real hookers? Like professional escorts? Awesome.

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  10. We need a tshirt for the Down Under Hookers ;-)

    Kirsten (also from Australia)

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  11. This is such a great project. Here's what I learned-- that Target won't let you write "Hooker" in the gift message when ordering a gift card online... so someone out there, please forgive the wonky looking "Warm Wishes from a Helping H00ker"!

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  12. Thanks for giving me a way to help out. I've always wanted to be a hooker! In the safe, legal, gift-card-sending type way.

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  13. Webster needs to redefine awesome with a picture of you guys...
    And I agree with the above folks...you need to rule the world by starting with the presidency. ;o)

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  14. I do so love the Australian girls on here...

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  15. OMG I'd totally love a Down Under Hooker shirt - especially if it also had the boob grab!!

    Such an awesome idea just the thought of helping someone out gives me a warm glow ... which to be honest I don't really need since I'm 38 weeks pregnant and it's hotter than hades out here this week ... but yay for all you helping hookers out there I heart you all.

    Ro (Aussie over here too)

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  16. SO funny - tried to send my target giftcard with the message "Happy Holidays, Hooker!" and the website *wouldn't let me*! Foul language! LOL! So, Happy Holidays, H00ker!

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  17. I'm being a freelance hooker but appreciate all you are doing -- and again, Lydia's leetle push in the right direction at the beginning of the season. We have done a service project a week since the week before Tgiving -- this week is the FxCo Police toy drive.
    And how in the world is Kate turning 40? Not that you look older -- but I related to you until I realized I could have been your babysitter.

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  18. How is the breakdown going - helpers and helpees? Is it about even? Or are you drowning in helpers?

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  19. I'd love to know the breakdown too. Plus how you calculated the ten to 12 thousand!

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  20. Awesome sauce.

    And this:
    "2) That we got three new Twitter followers. They're hookers. Real ones. Excellent."

    had me holding in laughs/snorts while sitting at my desk.

    <3 you hookers!!!

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  21. Very excited to be a part of it but somewhat dismayed that when I googled the address that I'm sending my gift to, it came up with a McMansion appraised at $465K. :(

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  22. I had the same problem with Target's website not letting me use the word "hooker". whuck?? like hookers aren't supposed to be sending each other gifts or something?! not right, not right at all

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  23. I just sent off my envelope this morning. Thanks for doing this - you two are the awesomest. Please do run for president and VP.

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  24. # 4!!! Yes, Yes, Yes, YESSER!!! Kate and Lydia for Pres and VP in 2012. Think about it how AWESOME it would be if Mommyland ran the country.

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  25. Much love from your neighbours to the North! We love you too!

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  26. I so want a Down Under Helping Hooker shirt (another Aussie, Perth- W.A.)
    You. Ladies. Rock.
    Kath

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  27. I love you hookers. And I know how Kate feels. I just turned 40 two weeks ago. I'm still huddled in the corner, shaking.

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  28. Wait. You can send giftcards from the websites? Don't mind me - i'm blong.
    So. Much. Easier! This rules the school. And, Done!

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  29. Same here with Target thinking Hooker is a foul word. What if your last name was Hooker?? Target needs to get it's mind out of the gutter! Ha!

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  30. @anon 9 31 a.m. Don't be sad, or at least keep an open mind. My formerly prosperous cousins have an enormous house with a fountain and a triple porch, it is amazing. But after two years of his business suffering, they can't find a buyer and can't afford to fill their oil tank. They are constantly teetering on the financial edge.

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  31. I got my hooker name... weee and you know my real name is kind of a hooker name so I'm triple jazzed. lol

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  32. Say, are we supposed to place a return address on the ennvelope, or remain anonymous?

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  33. Anonymous 9:31: I, too, am a helping hooker. And sometimes I can be a cynic. It's a side-efffect of the job I work. At my job, I see things. Bad things. And I have learned that whatever things look like on the surface, underneath, the truth is often very ugly. And something you cannot possibly imagine. So, for this project, and for Christmas, try to suspend whatever it is you are thinking about the information you've gathered. Trust that whomever asked for help, really needed it. And know that, whatever the case may be, you offered and sent help. With your whole heart. That, in and of itself, comes back to you in ways you might not expect. :)

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  34. I sent my gift card and I didn't try to write Hooker, but now I wish I had!

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  35. I'm checking my email for my hook-up like a hooker checking for cops... (frequently!)

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  36. Ranting Mommies are amazing... I just received an email from a hooker in Australia! I'm half-way around the world, kinda in between the States and Down-under, and I'm feeling the love from both directions. I cry everytime I read you lately. To know that your hearts are so full makes me feel all mushy inside. I love you hookers!!!

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  37. I am so happy that I get to be a part of something this flippin awesome!

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  38. @anonymous, regarding the McMansion address... for all you know, that's someone going thru a nasty divorce, lost their job a few years ago, totally underwater on the mortgage for the place and unable to sell in this market. Alternatively, it could also be the live-in housekeeper. Isn't this whole thing about trust, and taking a leap of faith?

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  39. Yes, Lydia, that IS what Christmas is all about! Please post a video :-) And I love the image of Kate sitting by the window watching pedestrians fall. Hahaha :-)

    PS you guys are AWESOME and we love you! :-)

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  40. As soon as I send my gift card on Friday I am buying a Helping Hooker T-shirt. I hope it comes before Christmas cause I want to wear it when I visit my family, Uber-preggo me with a t-shirt that has hands grabbing a boob and the word Hooker on it, epic.

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  41. I can't wait to get hooked up with someone! (pun intended) I think it's funny that Target won't let you write Hooker. What if your name happens to be General Hooker? lol

    PS I'd vote for you too but the thought of a Hostile Hooker take-over sounds much more appealing. :)

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  42. Kate & Lydia, Long time reader, never commented... but I just couldn't let this one go. Thank you for helping to restore my Christmas spirit. You 2 ROCK!!!

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  43. I can't read enough of you guys.
    By the way.. since I'm from Michigan... can I claim Canadian Status? Not that the US isn't rockin' and all... but have you looked at Michigan lately? We're not kidding when our bumper stickers say "Last one out, turn the lights off"...I've moved to what we fondly refer to as the armpit of PA, or Pennsyltucky.
    I can't thank you all enough for offering this opportunity to receive help. It makes me cry everytime I think of it... :)

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  44. Oooh, oooh, I am one of your new Twitter followers! But I am not a hooker. Sad trombone. I love you hookers! And, for good measure, HOOKERS.

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  45. I already sent the gift card and I didn't try to use the word hooker either! Dang it!!! I'm so glad to be a part of this! Thanks Kate and Lydia

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  46. Jenifer said. . . . Got my address yesterday, will be sending out a gift card soon! Happy Holidays Hookers! Keep helping, this is gonna be whucktacular!!!!!

    Lydia and Kate 2012!!

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  47. To anonymous about the McMansion.....it could be any number of things that other Mommies here posted. Also, as a Realtor, let me tell you that a lot of the 'appraised values' that you see online are completely inaccurate of the true value of the home in 2011. And....even if it was accurate.....they could be renting like me. My families house would show up about the sam and value because it is huge (there are 4 adults and 1 child living in it though) but our rent is normal market value for our area of $1,400/mo. And this is the lowest median home price area in the entire state of California (meaning, cheapest place to buy a home) and 'cheap'you is $1,400/mo.! So.....you just never know what you're really looking at without a full CMA (Comparative Market Analysis) because appraisals can mean nothing unless they're current. Hope you feel better about helping your hooker and that you're having a blessed day!! <3

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  48. Very glad to see this posting b/c I am also anxiously checking my email awaiting my match-up. What, you ladies can't process 1,400 messages in an afternoon? Whuck?

    I also love how many ladies jumped in to give plausible explanations for the $465k house. However, my husband's a cynic so I don't think I'll mention that part to him.

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  49. Hi Rants from Mommy Land. I read your blog religiously because you gals are awesome.

    I've got to say though while I know you use the term hooker with love and affection and general entertainment I've really got to say I'm a little amazed at the idea that it hasn't really crossed your blog-mouth-minds that hookers are people too.

    Maybe I'm just being rather sensitive because I work in the sex trade, I'm a bartender at a strip club, and I used to strip. I'm a mother of two and amazingly enough my children aren't headed for juvenile hall, turn out sex workers are people too.

    I think your help the hookers project is an awesome one, and I'm definitely all about helping people for the holidays but from where I come from that also includes "real hookers" not just the kind you make fun of on the internet.

    Happy holidays!

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  50. Just thinking: not sure what the Hooker:Hooker ratio is, but if you have many more who want to give than the number of those who signed up for help, maybe you could give some names twice? I'm sure many women who asked for help could use anything they can get. Conversely, maybe if you end up with lots of needy mommies, but not enough helpers, you could ask for helpers to re-enlist.

    Happy Hooking!

    [disclaimer: I honestly mean no disrespect to those women who have chosen prostitution as a means to support themselves. I just think it's funny to call people hookers, not actually accusing someone of being a prostitute, but in the same way I answer the phone "Sup, bitch?" when my sister calls. I get what Ani Uncensored is saying though. Hopefully any actual prostitute mommies reading this site can roll with the joke.]

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  51. oh, McMansion anon. just for a reality check, i live with my parents in quite a large house. they have both lost their jobs over the past five years and are now working twelve- and sixteen- hour days as couriers to make ends meet. they can't sell the house because the economy's in the toilet and it needs about $15K in repairs that we just don't have. i'm going to school full-time, working part-time, and being the single mom of a one-year-old and i am going to be thrilled to be able to wrap some clothes and hopefully a toy for him to put under the tree this year. to all the helping hookers, thank you so much. it means the world to everyone being helped, most especially those who you wouldn't think need it.

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  52. Got my email, sent my gift card. Feeling all warm and fuzzy. Even though we are struggling it feels good to help someone who needs it more.
    Great idea Lydia and Kate!!!!! You rock!

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  53. Love to everyone... this is terrific... and I wanted to comment to say I sent my e-mail and this is going to be my present for myself - to help another mom. I have a houseful of abandoned kids that I am raising but I am lucky enough to have a good job and a terrific support system. I have been at the other end where I was trying to stretch $40 to last 3 weeks with a husband and 2 kids. Turns out you can get pretty creative with one can of tuna and the discounted vegetables off the clearance rack at the little market. *I don't ever want to eat tuna again in my life*

    I am blessed to be able to bless someone else. I chose years ago not to buy Xmas gifts any more. My baby is 14 so it isnt as though she needs the latest crappy toy. We take the entire family to dinner and then I will take each of the kids individually and buy them something they need. We spend the time together and have fun. It works well for us and they remember it.

    **ditto to all the comments re the house value. My house is online at 535K, where I live that is pretty average, but actual comps right now are about 230K. However, my rent is low because I have been there a long time and I am not paying someones mortgage. The house was paid off a long time ago - it is old.

    @ Ani, I also was a "hooker" although low key. Men paid my bills in exchange for my time and favors. The way I look at the use of the term is in truth. Most women are hooking (exchanging sex for compensation) whether on the street or in their own home.
    ** and I am expecting the comments on that one. I have a very cynical view of marriage.

    I may not agree with all the posts or all the comments on a given subject, but I love the dialogue between "real moms" and I would campaign and vote for Kate and Lydia in a hot minute. Kate and Lydia as co-President and Christopher Titus as VP! We would change the world!!!

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  54. My mailman brought me a very happy red envelope today. Thanks hookers. Your whucktastic.

    I think it's pretty amazing that a stranger from halfway across the country made my kids able to have Christmas. Simply amazing.

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  55. Sent off my Target giftcards today via the magic of the Interwebs. But wanted to let you know that Walmart.com (where I tried first) won't take an international billing address - I live overseas and it kept trying to tell me I had the wrong postcode. *le sigh* So if any of you hookers in Australia are trying to use Walmart, I don't think it'll work!

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  56. I got my hook-up yesterday. Thanks for being such amazing pimps, ladies.

    PS, I love that actual hookers are joining us. //validation

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  57. I just shipped my gift card off. Thank you Ladies! You are the bestest!

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  58. No one is asking this so I probably shouldn't either but is $50 enough? I would send so much more if I could but probably can't this year.

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  59. I just sent off my gift and it's the best one I've ever crossed off my list!

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  60. I worked in the sex industry and the term hooker makes me feel liberated.

    Hook on, dirty hookers.

    I particularly like the image "Hooking from Down Under" conjures.

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  61. I sent you an e-mail as a hooker in desperate need! My oldest son told me he didn't need anything for Christmas, that me being his mom and bff was enough, he's 15....i know! I don't understand the process, but did send my email (bgjb7277@aol.com) to Kate and Lydia in Hookerville. All of you ladies are awesomely hookerish and as one other person commented above have possibly restored my Christmas faith this year. Merry Christmas Hookers!

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  62. I agree .... many of us "helper hookers" can take another name off your list ..... and we can even double up on those that need extra help ..... let us know what your status is .....

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  63. I just sent my card and am so thrilled. My hook-up was secretly nominated so I am extra excited to think this momma has no idea what is happening or who sent her a gift card! I really hope it makes a difference. Doing good feels so good. Thanks Kate and Lydia for helping us all spread the Christmas spirit. We all loose sight of it too easily among the crowded stores, holiday parties, and crazy family... we forget what the holiday is all about. And giving it is at the heart of it. Well done ladies :)

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  64. I also think this is just a fantastic idea and can't thank Lydia/Kate and all the Helping Hookers enough!

    Thank you so so much for offering to help us less fortunate moms out at the holidays.

    To Anonymous @5:01.. I can't speak for everyone, but as a hooker in need, I know I am going to appreciate whatever I get, weather is $10 or $100. Just the fact the there is someone out there that cares enough to help at all makes me tear up every time I think about it.

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  65. Um... bgjb7277@aol.com. You are either Jennifer or Brody, but I don't think you're old enough to have a 15 year old son. Just google your email addy...

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  66. HA! Walmart TOTALLY lets you say HOOKER in your message! SWEET!

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  67. I am one of you who has asked for help this year because we desperately need it. I hope that next year I can be on the other end and give to someone else who needs help. Anxiously looking forward to hear some good news!

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  68. Anonymous said...
    Um... bgjb7277@aol.com. You are either Jennifer or Brody, but I don't think you're old enough to have a 15 year old son. Just google your email addy...

    December 7, 2011 10:52 PM ,

    I am Jen and while I do appear to be alot younger than I actually am, I can assure you that I am 34 years old, so definitely old enough to have a 15 year old son, not quite sure what you read that I don't see.

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  69. I traditionally hate Walmart but between allowing me to write "hooker" and shipping for free, I'll have to adjust my attitude.

    btw - Kate & Lydia, please do give us a status about whether you need more helping hookers.

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  70. Broke, underemployed, live with my parents in a mcmansion. Luckily our family is very generous and we have enough to eat and things to put under the tree, so I'm not participating in either side of this awesome hooker thing. Not sure how much longer the 'rents will be able to keep the mcmansion, though. A fancy house definitely doesn't preclude needing help at christmas. Especially in the aftermath of predatory lending practices. Of course it could be some overpriveleged brat too. But I just wanted to throw my 3 cents in there. Some people do go from mcmansion to homeless without any stops in between.

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  71. Just sent my Target card and used zeros for "O's" so it let me write hooker...only it looks like h00ker ;)

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  72. Words can't tell you how over-joyed you have made me and my family this Christmas! We are truly grateful. I have cried tears of joy knowing we can do more than we thought we were going to be able to do.

    We've never been able to make Christmas very big and we were thankful for that so we could teach our kids to treasure what they had. This year I wasn't sure what we were going to do. My husband had 3 jobs last year and was down to just one (very happy to have that one!)

    We sat down with the kids and told them "Santa" was broke. I asked them to try to make a list of little things they wanted and we'd pick one off the list. They were so sweet and agreed. My 5yr told his brother he wanted a toy he saw that swirled lights in a globe. My 9yr asked him if there was anything else he wanted. I almost cried when the 5yr told him "Mommy said Santa would only bring one thing". How true this was until you wonderful ladies made such a wonderful decision to help. We can now do more than we thought was possible this year. We will be stuffing stockings and adding some more small treasures under the tree for my sweet babies. Won't they be surprised!!!

    Blessings to you all helpers and helped!

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  73. Opened my mailbox today to find two Christmas cards in with the bills and junk mail. Cried a little when I opened them to find a gift card in each. Christmas is going to be a bit brighter, and our refrigerator a little fuller as well.

    I've been ashamed and embarrassed to let anyone know just how much we're struggling, and how many phone calls I don't answer each day because I know it's bill collectors.

    Even though I know they'll still be calling, the generosity I received today has helped me feel like there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and helped me pull myself up out of the depression I've been sinking into. Life's tough, but I'm tougher and I can and will get through this!

    Thank you.
    Thank you.
    Thank you.

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  74. you hookers are wonderful!!!!!!

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  75. Thank you to Kerri in PA, and to Kate and Lydia, for your generosity and hard work! My family thanks you as well. We are so thankful. It's hard to express..."thankful" is not enough. <3

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