Saturday, December 10, 2011

To Kate on Her 40th Birthday

Dear Kate,

You are a stupid, smelly pirate hooker. You are also probably the best looking 40 year old who does not live in Los Angeles, so please stop complaining that you haven't been to yoga in a long time.

Ahem. Happy birthday.

I don't know what I'd do without you. There would certainly be no Mommyland. Because even though I thought it would be a good idea, I never thought in a million years anyone would care what I thought or what I felt or would think the stupid things I laugh at are funny.

I just thought I was a fat, useless housewife - exactly like 40 million other people. Nothing special about me at all, except I was failing at everything. Bad at being a parent because I was so exhausted. Bad at being a wife because I was struggling and had nothing left for the Cap'n. Bad at being a person because I felt like schmidt and was overwhelmed and feeling like I was in survival mode all the time, and it was making me selfish.

And you, someone who proclaims loudly that you're a narcissist and self-centered and vain and all these other negative things - you helped me. Your friendship changed my life. You were like: "Shut up, douchebag. Stop whining. You're awesome. Let's a write a blog!"

And all those things you say about yourself? That's really the opposite of the kind of friend you've been to me. We've had ups and downs and one rather memorable Real Housewives type of moment, but I always felt like you were actually doing all of this for me. Not for yourself. And it's so typically lame of me to have lacked the confidence in myself to make a much needed change in my life - until someone else told me I could do it.

But you did that for me. And you never let me give up. And you refused to let me hate myself.

I know this blog has changed us both. Becoming Kate and Lydia here has allowed us to be ourselves in a whole new way when we're off-line. And I would venture to say that I know you pretty well. And I know the good and the bad and MAUDE KNOWS, you are now very familiar with all my bad traits (thank you for putting up with so much of my passive aggressive bullshit - you really didn't deserve most of it).

Knowing the good and the bad, I have one request. Please just be you. Stay who you are and enjoy being that person. You're all that stuff you say are - as "Kate". But you're a lot more than just Kate. You're someone who is capable and kind and generous. You're an excellent mom and you just need to see the way your kids look at you to know that. You are truly a good and compassionate person. You are also an excellent tap dancer, particularly the part that includes tapping.

You're imperfect and totally cool with it and that makes other people feel better about themselves and that is awesome. You're kind to kids and critters and they're all crazy about you. You're a slighty below average plumber. You have excellent taste in everything except music from the seventies.

You're an amazing storyteller and an empathetic listener. You are willing to make a total ass of yourself on the internet and I look forward to hearing your karaoke skills provided they do not include a cover of "Weekend in New England". You are able to do that thing where you tap on a wall and find the stud and I have never been able to do that so I think it's really impressive.

You are an excellent photographer. You're surprisingly good at playing piano. You're a great cook and a good eater (when you remember to eat). Your dedication to your dog is truly inspiring. I love that when someone hurts my feelings, you quickly morph into a super protective ninja who is like: "I will drive to their house and impale them with my Jimmy Choo and then drive home and be drinking wine and watching Law & Order before anyone knows what happened."

So for all those reasons, you are awesome. And I leave you with one piece of advice. You need to wear more sunscreen, hooker. You're no spring chicken.

BAWK!
xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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