Friday, December 30, 2011

To Lydia on HER Fortieth Birthday

Liddy,

I don't think you should be so upset about turning forty. After all, some really amazing women are forty. Like me and Maude. And, she has a face and I have hair, so that really is all that needs to be said about that.

You have a husband that loves you and pays for stuff and allows you to be friends with me and walks upright. And three children that I'm still not sure how your vagina made that hair color, because neither you or the Cap'n -- or really, anything that exists in the natural world or outside the Brady Bunch -- would seemingly have that particular DNA strand. But whatever, hooker. And I maybe shouldn't talk about your vajayjay, but I blame you for this, what with all the birthday talk about the pillow story.

So, this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you awesome stuff. Ready? I can't believe you told me your college roommate -- who is FAB by the way! I'm keeping her now, thanks -- was the uber-cook when you guys were in college, because you are the only person who can get me to, you know, eat food. You are the world's best cook, and if she's any better, we might have to kill her, because I don't like to be wrong. Also, I'm not prepared to eat at two people's houses.

I love love love that you drive the mommiest of all mommy cars, and yet blast the most profane rap music out the windows. I think sometimes, if we weren't friends, I'd stalk you. But in the kind, gentle way, not the bunny-and-stoves way. Mostly because I think you actually would shoot me.

You're way more funny than I could ever hope to be, you and when something really awesome happens, you do that double fist thing in the air and I'm pretty sure there's a David Lee Roth high kick coming my way.

I love that, collectively, your friends buy you "shirts for your boobies." Because, after all, they are deserving of special, special gifts all on their own. Between them and your back-pocket-button-repelling-jeans ass, there's a really good chance you can kill people just with your attire. And I mean that in the good way. No the PajamaJean kind of way, which really doesn't kill me, it just sucks away my will to live.

I love that you make that face every time we take a picture that makes it seem like you're all super innocent-y and really interested in something in the corner of your forehead. And that you loved your birthday present more than -- and let me make sure I get this right -- "anything in the world, and that includes my children..."

And, finally, I truly do think that you are magical. You always say that magical things happen to me when I go to Target, but none of that stuff ever happened until you showed up in my life. I think it was you all along. You're the first person I want to talk to, the only person who bursts into laughter when they answer the phone and all you hear is crying-laughing on the other end of the phone, and the reason that, after two years of the most insane writing project of my life, I still want to do it every single day. And, after this year's Christmas project, as much as I think it would be way easier, and less taxing, to actually become a hooker for three weeks, I can't wait to do it again next year.

That's what she said.


Don't fret turning forty, chica. You still totally only look thirty-nine. But really, you need to stop saying "But I really AM only thirty-nine!" That just makes you look...well, older. Fo' shizzle.

xoxo Kate


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

30 comments:

  1. Happy Happy Birthday, Miss Lydia. Thank you for the joy you bring to all of us in Mommyland every day! MWAH!

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  2. Happy Birthday Lydia, all the BEST hooker stuff happens after 40. Promise..

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  3. Lydia, if you really are "only 39", then you are exactly 366 days older than me. Happy birthday baby! You and Kate ... even helping hookers aside, I don't know if it can ever be conveyed how much you ladies have touched the lives of other mommies.

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  4. Ugly cried when you said that Lydia is magical! Happy birthday hooker... Thank god that u were born... You make the world a brighter place by being here!

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  5. Happy Birthday Lydia! Rock it like the hooker you are!

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  6. What a tribute!! Happy birthday Lydia!! my father once said a LONG time ago that age is a state of mind. That said, some days I feel 193 and others I feel 6 (especially when I show my 5 year old what his tantrums look like). You KNOW it's only a number. You know you're awesome with a side of chips. And, dare I say it, you are one awesome hooker. You make so many people laugh with this web site together with Kate and you also have really touched so many. And that was before the helping hookers. So you go on and rock those pajama jeans (I still haven't brought myself to buy them but I'm closer every day)eat a ton of cake, because I'm sure you've had ZERO treats through the holidays (seriously how awesome to say, "I have to continue the holiday gorge fest because it's my birthday!) and you continue to be wonderful. I know if we were friends, we'd totally be hitting the box-o-wine this morning for this special occasion or maybe we'd bust out an actual bottle for a change.
    Happy happy birthday!

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  7. Happy Happy Birthday to Lydia! I hope it is magical !

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  8. Happy Birthday Lydia! Katie, this is a fabulous tribute to one half of your collective awesomeness. You hookers are the best and I pray (that's right, I pray for hookers!) you will keep bringing your magic to us junior hookers forever and ever. B/c I can't wait to see what ya'll write from the nursing home in 50 years. ;) -Sam

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  9. Happy Birthday, Lydia!

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  10. You ladies are so awesome! Happy B-day Lydia and welcome to your 40's ladies! It's really not so bad!

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  11. 40??? I had no idea, by either of you. I don't look 40 either (and I am-I still don't know how 40 and two adorable little snot rockets and the house and the car and the this and that and I actually have FURNITURE that only ever belonged to me happened). However, aside from HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOOKER, I wanted to tell you about a wonderful product (and they have it at Target, AND you can sometimes find coupons for it at those Internet coupon sites) called Yes to Blueberries. It's my face crack. I actually had someone (though she may have been really near sided) tell me that I looked 26. I don't look 26. I DO look like I am in my early 30s. So you might want to give this stuff a look-see if you are interested in continuing to pull the "no, really, I'm only 39" for the next 10 years. Because I WILL BE!!! And no, the YES to company didn't pay me to write any of this...think of it as a public service announcement!!

    Happy Happy again!

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  12. Happy Birthday Hooker! Thanks for being such a magnificent mommy & helping the rest of us survive with laughter and joy.

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  13. Happy Birthday Lydia! Fab things happen after 40, too - especially for hookers!

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  14. Happy birthday Hooker!! I wish you a wonderful day of no kids fighting/whinging and I hope you get pajama jeans and supercomfy clogs for gifts :)

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  15. You are both amazing. Wish I'd been in town, I would have dropped in and bought you both a pint. And don't sweat 40 -- those of us who are closer to 50 know it ain't nothin' but a thang.

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  16. Happy Birthday Lydia!!! 40 rocks and 50 is even better!!! Don't fear the days - enjoy every one! Remember that having birthdays beats the alternative. Enjoy being Queen for the day!

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  17. Happy Birthday to one of the two best hookers in the world.

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  18. Happy Birthday, Lydia! And well done, Kate! Another beautiful tribute to your friendship.

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  19. the magical paragraph- what a great testament to great friends. happy birthday!!

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  20. Happy Birthday, Lydia! Kate is right - you are magical. Thanks (to you both) for writing the bestest, warmest, most honest, supporting, and loving blog ever. Have a fantastic birthday, Lydia!

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  21. Looks like 40 is the new 13.

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  22. Happy Birthday! Hope it's full of awesome and a side of sauce.

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  23. Happy birthday! My mother in law says that each decade gets better than the last. I think she only says this because she's out of the Blur, but it's something to think about. :D Have a great, great day with minimal screaming (child or otherwise) and no boob stains.

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  24. As someone turning 42 today, let me just say 40 is great! Ok.... great mostly. :-) The aches and pains do tend to start catching up from the last 30+ years of all that kiddie stuff, but you don't get asked for ID anymore and NEXT YEAR you get to get all crazy again and celebrate the 20 anniversary of your 21st birthday and everyone get all crazy with you!

    Happy birthday!

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  25. Hope you both know how amazing you are!!!! In so many ways! As mommies, friends, bloggers, etc.!! Thanks for allowing us into a snippet of your world!!

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  26. Belated Happy Birthday, Lydia! You and Kate are both AMAZING! I look forward to every post. Whether I'm laughing or getting my ugly-cry on with a vengeance, it's thanks to both of y'all! Be blessed...

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  27. Great job here. I really enjoyed what you had to say. Keep going because you definitely bring a new voice to this subject.

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