Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Top Ten More Things We Learned About Experiments and Hookers


We are totally getting smarter! We started something on Friday and suddenly learned A LOT. Like well over 2,000 different pieces of information. Then we worked really, really hard for a few days and learned even more stuff -- like that fingers actually bleed from typing so much. Lydia is developing an upper back hump from sitting in front of her laptop. She really is! It's a hump from helping hookers.

THEN, we found out all that stuff we told you yesterday. And NOW, we've had to absorb all this information...and we've only had 24 hours to process this latest stuff. So, in the span of six days, we are *epically smarter* than we were last Friday.

Of course, what's been our subject? Hooking.

Here's the new stuff we learned:

10. That Target doesn’t let us type the word hookers, because it’s *apparently* porny or something. Sheesh. But, our crack pot team of clever mommies has figured out the workaround. H00kers. Also, if you happen to have the last name Hooker, that both sucks for you and IS INCREDIBLY AWESOME at the exact same time.

9. That you can buy WalMart gift cards online and have it shipped to someone FOR FREE. Not an online giftcard either. A real, plastic, sent-in-the-snail-mail gift card. Thank you Jessica for that tip!

8. That people keep emailing us the most hilarious comments like: "Well, if wishes were horses than hookers would ride" and "I know I'm late, but better late than pregnant I always say." And then we fall down dead from the funny.

7. That hookers are people too. We were kindly reminded that – even though it’s a term of affection in MommyLand – it is possible that actual hookers could be offended. We are super against offending anyone. So, while we will continue to refer to this project and the people involved as the helping hookers, we do it with the same caveat that we sometimes say things that don’t exactly carry the traditional meaning. Like when Lydia calls Kate “nice” or “friendly” or “human” Or, when Kate tells Lydia that she likes her “outfit”.

6. That Canada doesn’t have Targets. Whuck???!? Now we know for sure that you can’t possibly be a real country.

5. OH! Many of you have asked about whether you can sign the cards you send out, or if it has to be anonymous. We are totally leaving that up to you…whichever you prefer is fine by us.

4. That, despite our Number 7 resolution, every time we get an email that says things like “I never knew being a hooker could be so much fun!” or “I heart hookers” or “Looking to be a Hooker” we giggle like idiots.

3. That Kate and Lydia would totally run for office, but for the fact that 1) we would spend all our time arguing about who gets to be president and our public appearances would really be televised slap fights; 2) we have that whole “experimenting with hookers” problem in our very recent past; and 3) we have carpool duty next week.

2. That we’re just kidding about Number 6. Again, please see Number 7.

1. That every time we write about this Experiment or post about it on Facebook, we get a flurry of emails and spend the next 48 hours sorting. So we’re not mentioning it again…and tomorrow, we’ll return to the regular snark you’ve come to love and expect.

Or, at least for a couple of days…


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

56 comments:

  1. Nice list.. I'm one of your followers. I really like your blog

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  2. "Better late than pregnant" I will have to remember that next time the hubs tells me hurry up we're running late. Sending my helping hooker gift card friday. I also included a little something for momma because even mommies need a gift to open on Christmas.

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  3. Target is actually coming to Canada! I can't wait. They bought some Zellers stores and are converting them. Not sure of the time line, but we'll have Target eventually!

    Just got my address yesterday after waiting impatiently!

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  4. I'd rather be a hooker for Lydia and Kate than a hooker for Charlie Sheen! Keep up the good work gals!

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  5. We're getting Target soon - they just bought the leases to a bunch of our Zellers. But yes, no Target. That's why we love Buffalo.

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  6. Mary Fraser, that's why I love Great Falls. :)

    While I'm not in any position to help this year (but not really needing a hand either, thank you extended family!), if you run this next year I will be the Happy Helping Holiday Hooker from High River. Which is awesome.

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  7. Pam, you mean the town of high river in Alberta? That's where I'm from too! That is crazy cool!!
    Jennifer

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  8. I'm seconding what Pam said. Not in a position to help this year (got fired whilst on maternity leave, WHUCK??!!?) but not really needing a hand either thanks to new awesome job (just really behind in everything so all spare funds going to pay back due mortgage and give new sweet rainbow baby a good Christmas and Birthday - luckily she's happy with tearing up tissues and the jacket cover of "Breaking Dawn..." I kid about the tissues and book cover, she's getting bike seat to ride in with her Daddy) but would love to help next year...

    I would be the Happy Helping Holiday Hooker from Holly Springs! So awesome.

    PS If I can, I'm going to try and pull out at least a $20 Walmart card...

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  9. Hi my name is Sabrina Mangin
    hi I sent yall an email about lil family and our crappity craptastic year and even more crap can happen in 24 hour we just ran out of heating fuel. So the fact that are doing this for us hookers on hard times just blows my mind you are pure awesomesauce next year I will be helping hooker and pay it forward big time. This just has not been our year. Thank you for the giggle I really needed it today or I would surely be a heap of crying mess.

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  10. You girls rock my socks!

    Keep up the good work and Thank You (gosh we need to be able to underline in posts) so much for everything you do!

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  11. Better late than pregnant. That's just gold. I'll remember that, too, when my husband yells at me for being late.

    This is such an awesome project, I just can't tell you how much I lurve it.

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  12. I'm posting about this today, mind if I 'borrow' some of your pictures? Linking of course. This shit is awesome.

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  13. I have a little to spare so I emailed you to get me matched to a mate. hehe

    I love this idea so much!!!

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  14. Just in case anyone wants to send a gift card that can be used anywhere - you can get an American Express card with no purchase fee with this code: NO PURCHASE FEES: USE CODE EMDECPR

    You can order them on their website.

    Happy hooking!

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  15. I'm so glad that everyone can help. I wish I could do help but this year is tight just enough for my growing family. Next year I hope Kate and Lydia are doing this so I can be a helping hooker.

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  16. Just looked at the "Rants" store and the Hooker line. I find it ROFLMAO that you can get "I'm a helping hooker" maturnity shirt! If anyone orders this, I think I would pay to see pictures of the reactions they get wearing it. Hmmmm....fundraiser anyone?

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  17. WAIT!!! So you're saying Lydia has Hooker Hump? Like Quasimodo but Hooker Hump? bwahahahahahahhaha!

    Laurie you crack me up! Being a hooker for these ladies is *WINNING*

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  18. "Better late than pregnant"! I LOVE it!! Happy hooking ladies, the gift card is in the mail (Wal*Mart is awesome for the whole free shipping gift card thing-could they make it any easier?).

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  19. And for those of you who may have AMEX Rewards points, you can order AMEX gift cards for a 30% discount on the usual cost by the end of the calendar year. So if you don't have enough points to get something big, at least you have enough to get some gift cards to send out...without using cash, if the cash flow is not flowing.

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  20. This is awesome!

    http://2bestfriendschubbyroadtoskinny.blogspot.com/

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  21. A gift card sent to a hooker in need! Here's hoping all hookers pay it forward if/when they can.

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  22. So I have been stuck in a hard place. I am too broke to help someone out, even though I really want to! My partner lost his job last month and so we have nothing extra to give. He has since found a new job but we are still down to one income for this month. We have been saving for Christmas for months so we don't really need to ask for any help either. I have been so disappointed not to be able to participate, then I got an idea...Would there be a helping hooker out there willing to help me out? Would anyone being willing to send a gift card to a mommy for me? Next year I will send out 2 as well for someone else who wishes they could help!
    Thanks Hookers!

    P.S. This is for Kate and Lydia:
    We use to have a pediatrician (who was AMAZING) whose name was Dr. Hooker. Any time my daughter would talk about going to see Dr. Hooker people would always look sideways at her!

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  23. So yeah, Canada DOES have Target. Only here, it's a crappy store that carries only clothes for little itty bitty people. Not babies, but those super skinny "knees are bigger than her boobs" type peoples! ugh.

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  24. Since we have an 9 month old "surprise" baby, I think better late than pregnant may be one of my new favorite lines!

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  25. I keep hearing about how the post office needs money and might shut down because mail is sent through the internet so often......Well, now you have solved that problem as well!!!

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  26. Wow, is it possible I am reading more posts from happy helping hookers that are so excited that they just sent out their helping gift cards or the like, than from us needy hookers writing in to THANK YOU??? It really blows my mind how amazing you Mommies are.... I got an email less than 12 hours after writing to Kate and Lydia. From Australia!

    I am a single American mom living in Eastern Europe, with no help from my family. I work two jobs - a full-time job that pays the rent and an over-lapping part-time job that pays for everything else. And it just isn't enough. There aren't enough hours in the day to work enough to make enough to support my family. God knows I'm trying.

    So again, THANK YOU HELPING HOOKERS, we needy hookers are more grateful than you could ever imagine. Y'all are saving our needy hookers' holidays....

    And you can count on the fact that when my life turns around (it just HAS to!) I will be the first in line to be a Helping Hooker...

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  27. I just posted about being a hooker. I did.
    http://www.mommakiss.com/2011/12/pay-it-forward-hooker-style.html

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  28. Kate, not *the* KateDecember 8, 2011 at 1:06 PM

    I just sent a card and then posted about it on Facebook. Of course my cynical friends reminded me that you can buy beer and wine at Wal-Mart in some states. Someone please give me a pep talk. Of course the mama that I sent my card to needs toys for her kids more than a T-box. Dammit. Scrooges need to suck it. That ruined my do-good-buzz.

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  29. Oh Kate-
    Don't let the scrooges get to you. And if your Momma on the recieving end does buy a much needed T-Box just think - you might have saved a little bit of someone's sanity for Christmas.

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  30. Kate, not *the* Kate -

    You know what? If a hooker mom is having a really bad day, and decides to treat herself to a bottle of the fine wine or a 6 pack of beer from Walmart? Well, honey? I drink to that. I'll be there with her, toasting her in spirit.

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  31. I sent a Starbucks card with my WalMart card so my Hooker buddy could treat herself so a Selfy Steamy Ralph Macchio while she shops for her kids.

    So, Kate, not *the* Kate, don't worry about it. A) most mommies are going to be just so grateful to get their kids some stuff. B) any mommy who spends Helping Hooker money on alcohol clearly needs it... would you deny a mommy a t-box if her kids get stuff too?

    Sure, there's possibly people asking for help who don't really need it, but in general, I sleep better thinking that there's a lot more getting their socks blessed off by this hookup than not. And certainly more than would be without it.

    So good for you and reclaim your do-good-buzz.

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  32. Hey, Kate and Lydia, the offer to help you sort through and match hookers still stands! I think this is one of the coolest things in the history of EVER. I puffy glitter heart love you both!! Seriously, if you need more hookers helping match... let me know!!!

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  33. Kate, not *the* Kate. Remind your friends you sent the money to a hooker!! Wait . . . I'm not helping, am I?? LOL. A RFML hooker. Not a hooker-hooker.

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  34. I just sent my Hooker card from Target's website! Target has an awesome giftcard packaged with one of their reusable tote bags!! :-)

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  35. You have got to be kidding me! My mailman brought a second envelope from a hooker today. You ladies are AMAZING!!

    And don't worry, I wont be buying any beer or wine with mine. I'll be getting my baby girl the Baby Alive that pees and poops and a pack of newborn baby diapers to go with it. It's the only thing she wants for Christmas and now thanks to someone I don't even know she can have it.

    A huge thank you to a special hooker in Indiana.

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  36. We are just starting to get Target's in Canada. There is one in Lindsay, Ontario. Target just bought Zellers and so we should have lots of new Targets in the next few years...however, Canadian law does not allow the sale of alcohol anywhere other than a liquor or beer store, so no T-boxes for us :(

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  37. @ Kate, not *the* Kate: I would venture to say that there are very few loser/scammers who hang out on this site. And even if something like that happened, it's out of your control - the gift is in the giving. Volunteering at our local food bank, I see folks that appear to be "working the system" or are ungrateful and whiny about the food available. The minister there says that if you have to help 5 people who don't really need help to get to the one who does, then it's worth it. If there are folks here taking advantage (and honestly, I doubt there are many), they will have to answer for that someday. You just have to trust and give with love and know that the world is a better place because of your love.

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  38. Kate, not *the*Kate, I figure it this way. It was fate that Kate and Lydia came up with this rad plan. It was fate that they paired me up with the special mama that needed help. If God did not think the mama needed help, something would have gotten lost in the mix. So, I am helping a mama who NEEDS help, as we all are. And if mama wants to buy a T-box when she buys her kiddos a toy, who am I to judge. I'm a hooker, after all. Merry Christmas, Erin K.

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  39. This is the true spirit of Christmas! I hope all you Helping Hookers realise that each and every one of you are Santa Clause this year! My husband and I love our DD dearly, she is our world. Unfortunatly work for him is just starting out, he is a first year apprentance so we can afford to survive but nothing more. I have been so fretfull that our dd would get nothing from us this year. Infact last night we had gone to Wal-mart to price some thing, any thing and I had found a doll with the same name as dd I knew that that is what I wanted to get her. I was feeling quite sad this morning because we couldn't afford it (it wasn't too expencive but it's either meat or a toy) Then this afternoon I checked the mail. I recieved a gift card from my helping hooker! I could have cried! I can get dd the doll now! She will have a Christmas gift from us! Thank you soo much! And for every person that may have some doubt remember there is a child/ family out there who you can save Christmas for!
    Thank you!
    A helped hooker

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  40. @Kate, not *the* Kate, yes, honey, tell your friends to suck it. You are a heart-of-gold hooker and they are shitheads who could suck the fun out of Christmas. Cause they just did. When you give, you have to give with your heart and not expect anything in return. Because that's what Jesus would do. And Santa. And hookers. Your life is a little better now because you're a hooker; your friends are still bitter Grinches. XO, Bunny

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  41. Target is slowing planning a take over of Canada, so we can be a 'real country' soon! Zellers was bought out and the invasion of Target is schedule to begin shortly.

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  42. Wow. Just wow. I'm definitely not going to Canada.

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  43. I just sent my Hooker Momma a gift card and wish I could see her face when she opens it. I am thankful I could send her a nice amount for her and her kids, just wish I had her email to hear about it! :)

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  44. I was just planning my WalMart boycott, but now that I know you can buy and ship real live gift cards I'll have to put my boycott on hold. I emailed you about an hour ago about being a hooker. I haven't heard from you yet but that's okay. I know there's a process involved to being a hooker- planning, stretching, shaving your legs. Man! That's a lot of work, but it's for a good cause, right?

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  45. Would there be a Helping Hooker out there that would want to pretty-please send some RFML stuff (I saw there are some fanfabulous goodies at Cafe Press) to Europe? I would so luuuuuuuv to get some hooker gear.......

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  46. Just sent my Hooker a Visa Gift card, so she can get stuff for her kid(s) AND herself anywhere she wants. And now I feel like I sent myself a gift card to my heart! :)
    You guys are hooktastic! xxoo

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  47. Kate, not *the* KateDecember 9, 2011 at 10:58 AM

    Thanks for the pep talk ladies, you are all the best! I just wish I had been able to send MORE! :)

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  48. 1. My pharmacist's last name is actually Hooker. Not joking. She has a teenage son and I'm guessing he catches a lot of schmidt over it and I'm sure his dad did too when he was young.

    2. We don't have Target either. I have to drive two hours (minimum) to get to one or shop online, which I do frequently. We have K-Mart & Wal-Mart and our City Council wants us to be dry unless they are rolling in the money made by selling the 20 liquor licenses the state has been hoarding since our town's inception. (Truly liquor licenses were a hot commodity here until this year when we got 9 new ones and they sell for upwards of $50k with an established business or without, but the 9 new ones cost $3k ) so they turned down Wal-Mart's application for a license despite the fact Wal-Mart here donates an ass load of money and time to charities here. Way smooth move. They DID however give a license to the owners of the Tier III Hockey Team to sell beer and wine cooler type liquor at their games, so you can go watch 16-20 year old kids play hockey and get totally hammered (ever seen a rabid drunk hockey fan? it's fairly awesome when they get so drunk they puke over the rail on the ice.) but you can't drink wine in Wal-Mart while the kids hang off of you whining "canIhavethatpleasepleasepleaseIwantitworsethananythingI'veeverwantedinEVERIpromise".

    Not to hi-jack your post and the good work going on here! I wish we had the funds to volunteer to help this year, but unfortunately we don't. I hope you do it again next year and we're in a better position! You ladies rock!!

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  49. This is just what I need to familiarize myself in blog commenting. Looking forward to many interesting and helpful articles from you.

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  50. Sent! Thanks so much, hookers!

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  51. Just put my GC in the mail... I think I am more excited about this gift than any other this year. Thanks for "hooking" me up - I needed a shot of Christmas Spirit and this did the trick!

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  52. How do we know if we got matched up? I emailed twice but no response and I'm worried because I had to email from my work email since we have no internet at home. I know you wonderful women are probably overwhelmed with emails but if you could drop me a line and let me know that would be awesome! Thank you so much! You guys are my favorite hookers :)

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  53. An Ode to Helping Hookers

    In time of need, Kate & Lydia planted a seed, and watched it grow with lightening speed. With holiday cheer and huge giving hearts, they set you all free, with a quest on your charts.

    The Hookers were many, from near and from far. They had naught in common, but all had love in their hearts.

    I confess I forgot, or maybe just did not believe, that Hookers were helping strangers in their time of need.

    And the, a strange Christmas card, from a place far from home. A husband confused, is this someone you know?

    I confessed I did not, but ripped it open anyway – it had MY name on it dude, out of my way!

    The card had a elf, styled after Kate, with a designer bag hanging, and a Choo-clad foot dangling. The significance I missed – I was too busy laughing.

    When I opened the card, more curious than anything, out dropped a gift card, WHUCK is this? I was thinking.

    I searched for a name, and found nothing but wishes, for a happy holiday, from a Helping Hooker (snitches).

    I broke down and cried, and said a short prayer, for all the Helping Hookers everywhere.

    I cannot express in this short little ditty, what your gift has meant to me, my husband, kids, dog and kitty.

    For under the tree on Christmas day, there will be presents for all, even mommy, hooray!

    And as we collapse amid the torn wrappings, we’ll think fondly of you, and offer a wish, that your holiday as well, was as blessed as ours is.

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  54. Target is in fact coming to Canada, just no dates confirmed yet...and for the rest of Canada who can only buy liquor or beer in a special store, you can come to Québec where we can buy it anywhere! I am sure that the Target's that come to QC will sell T-Boxes!!!

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  55. Thanks you hookers again for doing this, I can't tell you what a difference it makes to both givers and receivers. Wait... that sounded kinda gross...
    Oh, and in reference to number 6... Vermont doesn't have Targets either. We have to get our (generic) T-boxes from the (gasp) grocery store. They are planning on building one though... As early as 2014... Seriously.

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  56. I cried. I couldn't help this year, but didn't write in because I knew the Grands were planning to step up. No Christmas Dinner, we go to PA for New Years and we'll feast then. But I'd like to say thank you to every Helping Hooker, what you did no matter how big or how small, was a gracious gift and appreciated not only by the receiver but by those of us unable to help this year. A little prayer that my husband's contract job continues through the year (no unemployment this year), and my daughter gets some scholarships to offset the additional college expense we can't pay (hubby's in school). Then maybe I'll be able to Hook some next year. Bless all of you, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

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