Monday, September 12, 2011

Oh Art Fail, We Love You...Part 5

 "My mom is a grate cock..." OhmyMaude, this is the best sentence in the history of ever. 

And, as we've officially depleted our coffers of Art Fails, please feel free to send us some more. After all, the school year is just about to start up. Nothing says love like a drawing of giant penis -- wait. What?

I just found your blog and had to share. From Jackson’s (age 6) alphabet book:

 By way of explanation...I own a small decorated sugar cookie business. So I'm making cocks a lot!

It did seem awfully quiet downstairs......and then I found out why. And he found the SHARPIE to boot.

Hey, at least he was working on his alphabet. Just think, it COULD have been a big penis on your wall...K&L

Below is a special work of art my son Luke produced last year when he was 5 years old, in Grade R. The theme of the week was ‘a long time ago’. We had been reading about Egypt- he was hugely into the idea of zombie mummies. I was pleased to see that he got some of the most important elements right: the Nile River , the Pyramid of Giza, a camel…but hold on, what’s that in the camel’s mouth? Did somebody say, “Dad’s a smoker”? It gave me massive insight into what ideas the teachers must form about us delinquent parents. We are decent people. We just have a bad habit, which we indulge in outside of the house. You see, I even feel like I have to justify it to you

I picked up my 5yo daughter from school one afternoon, who was excited to tell me about the ladybug she made today, but Miss Susan didn't want her to keep it in her cubby. Weird, I thought . . . until Petunia handed it to me. I took a picture of it right then and there to share with my Facebook friends . . . and now I, respectfully, submit this misunderstood art for your enjoyment.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Oh Art Fail, We Love You...Part 4

Happy once made a drawing for me that looked eerily like a part of his anatomy. Being that he was only four, I said, "oh, I love it baby! Is it an airplane?" He looked disappointed and said no. Then I asked him, in descending order, if it was a car, a dinosaur or a bird. He grabbed it away from me and said, "No, Mommy. It's a penis. You can't have it anymore." We mailed it to GrandMere. She thinks it's a plane. It's better that way.

xoxo Kate

 "Mommy I drew you and me. You have big boobies and I have little boobies" - Cass age 4

tooth paste art by my recently turned 3 yr old....caught him as he was 'cleaning' (aka rubbing it in) up his mess =((

My then preschooler's " I'm thankful" poster - look closely at the pictures he cut out!  

My 7 year old son wanted to make sure I picked up some DRINKS on my shopping trip

This beautiful masterpiece was created by my 10 year old son.  It was presented to me wrapped in a protective layer of tissue paper.  I was afraid to touch it when I opened it.  Even more disturbing, he was "recreating" his favorite food.. A kit kat bar and recess peanut butter cup.  I like to leave it lying around for my guests to examine.  :)

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Monday, August 29, 2011

Oh Art Fail, We Love You...Part 3

 Are giant penises just that easy to make? We think the answer to that is yes...


My then 3-year-old daughter created this masterpiece at her preschool. I felt like I should call her teacher and explain that my daughter just really loves to do "dot-dots" when she colors, and I actually do not let her watch CSI marathons in her downtime. The color choice was particularly unfortunate.

Yes.  Those are purple penises that my five year old drew on him, my younger son, and our male dog. Very large penises.

Check out my daughter's "hula girl"   It's a little blurry because my entire body was shaking from trying to control my laughter.

I don't know if this needs an explanation, but here it is: my son (who, poor thing, has three sisters) handed me this watercolor sometime last summer (so he was about six).  He said, "Mama, could you please give this to Daddy when he gets home?" I glanced at it, and then said, "Sure, I will...did you make it just for him?" He replied solemnly, "Yes, it makes me think of him."  And in case you couldn't tell, the title is "World's Biggest Pansy". 

My five year old and I picked up an "easy" balloon animal kit at the store to fill up a summer afternoon. After following the directions step by step to make a puppy dog this is what we ended up with. It is definitely not a puppy but might pass as an x-rated balloon man. My child has been carrying it all around the neighborhood proudly!

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Oh Art Fail, We Love You...Part 2

 Just put the glass down. Stay away from any beverages...because when you get to Ken and Barbie, and if you're not careful, something is coming out of your nose.

We totally warned you...


Pulled this out of my 6 year old daughter's backpack last week.  Um... YEA.  Apparently, the black uh...  "scribble" is an egg.  HI-larious!  :D

 My kids, whom I refer to as Pinky and the Brain, were drawing in the driveway today. My oldest at 6 years old tells me he wants me to look at his picture. It's supposed to be a "stranger" and the line through the circle emphasizes that you shouldn't talk to strangers. If I ever see a stranger like this I will most likely RUN LIKE HELL in the other direction! 

 Hello ladies! [Hello!] I'm not sure if you are still collecting artwork for your Kid's Art Fail feature [We totally are!] but I thought I'd share this one with you because it makes me laugh. This is a drawing my little sister drew of herself, me and my daughter while I was pregnant with #2. I love how happy my fetus is! And she totally called that it was a boy, we didn't know yet when she drew this. And she was SO sure his name was Otis :)

Yes, that is Ken, trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey, surrounded by...dare I say a coven...of Barbies.  Yes, his junk is colored blue, and yes, those are tiger stripes on his face.  The only explanation I got from my 5 and 7 year old girls was that he was "a mean crazy boy" and that the queen (that would be the lovely vision in white with pink hair) insisted he be tied up.  I just closed the playroom door again and let them sort it out.

We totally just died again...K&L

  You could probably do a whole section on *mushrooms* alone. [Yes. Yes we could. Starting with this one. Epic. - K&L] 

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Monday, August 22, 2011

Oh Art Fail, We Love You...Part 1

Can we say how awesome these Art Fails are? Well, technically we can't right now because we're dead. Lydia laughed so hard she fell out of her chair dead, and Kate took one look at the soccer ball penis and now she's dead too. We'll miss us...


I giggled when I saw this on the wall at my daughter's Catholic preschool....  and was speechless when I realized it was hers.....  and those of course are leg bones!!

I hope it isn't too late to share this with you.

Yesterday my 4yo daughter had her very 1st dance recital.  When it was over, she received her very 1st trophy.  She is so proud of it, that this morning she drew a picture of it, then insisted on bringing it to school to show the rest of the class.

Then she is sent it home with her boyfriend.

Not sure who will enjoy this artist's rending more: the class of 4yo kids or the parents of the 4yo boy she is trying to woo.

I have attached both a photo of the actual trophy and my daughter's drawing of it:

 My son did this when he was about 5. I'm so proud :D
Came across this today cleaning out the vast teetering pile of schoolwork brought home by my 7-yo. On the left she is eating dinner with her family, and on the right she is on the torture rack. Oh, wait. That's her practicing backbends for gymnastics. Silly me! We save the torture rack for weekends. :)
My son proudly brought home this painted clay version of himself. I was nervous asking what "the green thing" was.....he's sitting on a soccer ball!

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Friday, June 3, 2011

Kids Arts and Crafts FAILS Part 7

Here is the MUTHA of all angry art FAILS.  The good news is, 4 years after creating this masterpiece, the kid in questions has NO MEMORY of drawing this or of why she was so mad.  She must have had a really bad case of 8-year-old-girl-itus.  As a 12 year old superstar, she loves her mom (most of the time) and thinks it is all hilarious.

"My 5 year old said; "Mom look its you, sissy and grandma!" I said "Wow honey thanks for giving us big boobies........"  She looked at me confused and said "Mom, helllllooooo those aren't boobies.......... you are praying."

Oh my.

"My daughter drew this portrait of me when she was in pre-school.  Her teacher did NOT have a sense of humor, which made it so much funnier..."

I came home from a Bon Jovi concert & found this letter from my 7 yr. old.

This reads: Me and Dad were watching the concert. Please try not to laugh because you could wake dad or me. Here is the thing I hope you laugh in your head. Ok Bon Jovi needs to shave his chest. I love you.
"I thought nothing of these butterflies and mushrooms my 5 year old daughter drew for her friend until my husband said "WHAT IS THAT?!" I had to label the mushrooms so the friend's parents would understand that this is a Rated G drawing..."

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Kids' Arts and Crafts FAILS Part 6: The Non-PC Gallery

Happy once drew a picture that was Kate with red stabby lines coming out of her eyes and a gash through her throat. She was a little worried. Then Happy said the red parts were because he couldn't find black to do her eyelashes and that the lines are her neck were the pair of necklaces she wears.

Sometimes a picture, even one that might make us raise our eyebrows, is just a picture. We happily present the oddities of art:


I saw this piece at my son's school. Ummm...I tried to find his mother to ask her about it but couldn't:

[Editor's Note: Seems to me they're magical...they land, and walk away. Or, get into that handy getaway car. -Kate]

We were driving, and the kids were drawing in their sketch books. Our eight year old daughter loves horses and draws them all the time. When we saw this particular drawing though, we laughed. and laughed harder. and had tears. To her, one horse is standing next to another horse that is rearing. To us, there's a whole lot more "Wild horse action" going on!

So, Timmy? You have a new brother, right?

Hudson brought home his science project he made at school. This was a drawing from the book. Awesome.

My 5 year old son designed an outfit for his fluffy toy monkey out of white photocopy paper and presented it proudly to his dad and I. Whilst we applaud his artistry and creative expression, how do we break it to him that this outfit is, correct and also totally horrifyingI swear we are a very nice, racially tolerant, open, accepting family.  Dear God, please believe that...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Kids' Arts and Crafts FAIL Part 5

We're sensing a theme here. That a lot of these drawings have a certain resemblance to a particular body part. Maybe because it's super easy to draw? Yeah, let's just go with that. Someday we can all tell our kids that they really, really liked personifying penises...

My daughter Kristina (age 3) brought this home from preschool last December, and proceeded to explained to me that her gingerbread man was pooping:

My son drew this picture, illustrating the “If you give a pig a pancake” book – I have no idea what he wrote, but I hope the sentence doesn’t match the picture.  I suppose he IS biologically correct, though…

"Ummm, it's so good, baby. Yes! I love it. Of course I can tell it's Mommy. That's totally fine that my legs sprout from my chin and my arms come from my thighs. Oh, and I'm screaming? OK. Wait -- did you sneak in Mommy and Daddy's room the other night? Crap."

Here is something my 6 year old created over the Christmas break – it’s no penis horse, but I am sure you’ll appreciate it just the same. I came upon it while cleaning the playroom. What’s worse? That he knows the lyrics to a dirty old song or that he actually likes big butts? Hayden, age 6 – LYRICAL Genius. Such a proud mommy moment ;-)

This is a “caterpillar” that my 3 year old daughter drew at a restaurant one night:

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Kids' Arts and Crafts FAIL Part 4

Lydia's dead. She saw one of these materpieces and died. Kate laughed so hard she snorted coffee on her shirt and now she has a boobstain, so she might as well be dead, too. 


My daughter is now 8. Last year she made her communion and she LOVED her dress.She loved it so much that all she did was draw pictures of it.I almost choked on my damn coffee when I saw this one. Also notice the scary alien people behind the dress:

My daughter brought this home from her Christian preschool. It's called "The Big Dipper."  And yes, those are stars pouring out of the tip of the rocket. She was 4 1/2 when she made it.  It hung on the fridge for a year and a half just so that visitors could admire her rocketpenis work. 

A note from my 8 year old daughter. The front, a very sweet note. On the back, a picture of Mom’s favorite drink. I told her to please not draw that at school:

My daughter came home with this from preschool yesterday. It's a paper mache' piece of artwork she made.  She likes archeology type things and made a "bone".  That is similar to what I was thinking it was but not quite the same meaning of the word...  I will let you be the judge.

My sisters looked at me funny when I showed them this piece. Not sure what to make of it, but my daughter seemed really proud and hasn't since killed any small animals or anything. So I'm not too worried:

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

Friday, May 20, 2011

Kids' Arts and Crafts FAIL Part 3

In case you missed them, here's Part One, and here's Part Two. Now we really DO want to see an art exhibit at the Met or something that has this stuff, and all you'd see is a bunch of moms sipping from wine boxes and snorting Pinot Noir all over the floor at every picture. These are epic.

I got called out by my son's K-4 teacher (class is at our church!) for this lovely Thanksgiving dinner art collage that they put together in class:

I dare you to look at this butterfly and not laugh! I see a penis with balls between two boobs. [Editor's Note: Yeah...we see that too. -Kate]

I think my 5 1/2 year old daughter said it all with this picture. The drawing itself is not that bad of a fail, but the description she wrote underneath it is. I'm still not sure why she had violent tendencies towards The Cat In The Hat. She and the cat are both smiling and the words she wrote are going down like the staircase! She drew this at school while they were celebrating Dr. Seuss Birthday. I'm sure the teachers loved it and were not concerned at all.

Created by my 10-year old daughter after she dumped half of can of soda on my laptop and killed it:

This isn't really an art masterpiece, but I had to share it anyway.
My at-the-time  2 year old loved his magnetic letters. He played with them all the time, and could tell us their names and sounds. Luckily, he couldn't actually read or spell. (see bottom right). 
This was NOT staged, and I didn't move any of the letters. Just ran for the camera.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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