Tuesday, January 24, 2012

5 Things Little Kids Can Get Away With

Hi everyone! It's me, Guru Louise. How are you? My kids have been adorable but disgusting lately, so Kate & Lydia let me write about it.

I think we can all attest to the amazing power children possess to completely defy embarrassment. They seem to have no shame about, well, anything. Recently I’ve witnessed my children in cringe-worthy situations and instead of looking sheepish they look like they don’t give two schmidts about what just happened. These are things that would leave any adult petrified, horrified, or stupefied .  Honey badger don’t care, people.

Bad Haircuts. 
Either the barber just gets a little too buzzer-happy, mom/dad discovers kids’ haircuts are not a DIY job, or you shell out a decent amount of money for a fancy haircut at the fun place with the chairs that look like a spaceship only to have a chick who looks like she’s 9 years-old butcher your son’s gorgeous red locks to smithereens (ahem, I’m not bitter…). In any case, you take a step back, look at your child and whisper, “Oh dear Maude, what have I done???” 

He looked like this but less cute.
Thankfully, I managed to pull it together and get my vanity in-check before my son saw the horrified look on my face. I’m not exaggerating when I say he looked exactly like a short, plump little Spock or Lloyd Christmas. But did that kid look upset or ask to wear a hat for the next 4-6 weeks? Nah, he didn’t bat an eyelash. He just gave me his version of the Maude face that seemed to communicate, ‘Ain’t no thang to have a bad haircut when you’re a kid, mom.’



Peeing/ Pooping Oneself. 
Before I potty-trained my daughter I’d heard from other moms that the best motivator would be to let her soil herself. I was told she’d find the mess embarrassing and that would be enough to spur her to use the potty. Um, whuck?! Have you met my kid? On Day 1 of potty training I swear to you that she stood on the living room rug peeing and pooping herself while simultaneously asking for a fruit roll up. She didn’t miss a beat. No shame, mom. No shame.

Talking about Peeing and Pooping.   
This is an addendum to the above. I am still consistently shocked at how little modesty my daughter has about her bathrooming habits. I have to regularly remind her that I don’t need to hear about the size, shape, and density of her bowel movements…but what’s truly humiliating is when she feels the need to announce them in very public places, like church or ballet class. For example, about a month after my kid was finally successfully potty trained she yelled this gem in the middle of a crowded supermarket produce section: “MOOOMMMM! I'M FARTING! I'M FARTING! I THINK THAT MEANS MY POOP IS COMING OUT IN MY UNDERPANTS!”  Suffice it to say, she found nothing wrong with that over-share but I was mortified.

Anything Having to Do with Booogers. 
This time of year your average toddler is a drippy, coughing germ circus. And no adult (who wasn’t an escapee from the Home for the Demented and Bewildered) would EVER walk around with snot running liberally down their face.  Nor would an adult would ever dig for gold in plain view without embarrassment. Mine do it with pride. And no adult - failing to have a tissue on hand  - would either eat the evidence or just use their shirt. Please tell me they will age out of this. PLEASE. You can lie, it’s fine.

Undies on Backwards. 
My husband is out the door to work each morning at 5:30am, which means in the winter he’s getting dressed in a dark bedroom. He struggles to find his belt and other sock, all the while bumping into stuff and whisper-cursing like a trucker. And then invariably around 9am I’ll get an email from him saying, “I just went to go take a leak and discovered my undies are on backwards again. FROWN.” It presents quite a predicament: does he strip down in the bathroom stall and fix the mistake or does he walk around all day with his undies on wrong? Meanwhile, as I’m reading his email, my kid walks by with her undies on backward, no pants, wearing a tiara, a cape, and socks on her hands and announces “I’m ready for preschool!”. 


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

45 comments:

  1. I dated a guy once that when we were sitting down at his house watching some TV, dug out a booger and ate it. I couldn't stop laughing... poor guy was a little mortified at himself. Mind you I don't remember the last time i did this so i assume my mother let me know it was NOT OK to do this....EVER. I do remember endless lessons about remembering hankies and tissues (i was a snotty child).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are shifting me! A grown up did that? Blech!

      Delete
  2. My daughter is potty training and its been a couple of months! SOLID! my son got it down in three days... geeeeesh! I now have no rugs in my home! ;)

    Trina

    ReplyDelete
  3. *gag*

    Kids certainly are a paradox. So cute, yet so, so gross. Sometimes, I just stand there watching them completely confused.

    ;)

    ~CiCi

    ReplyDelete
  4. When my oldest son was first potty trained he would only wear his underwear backwards because he wanted the picture on the front. Recently my youngest son decided to wear his pants backwards....to church!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My daughter STILL does that at almost 4 years old!
      She always wears her super-hero underwear backwards so that she can see Batman, Green Lantern or whoever it is on her undies.
      On a similar note, who on earth decided that only boys need superhero underpants?

      Delete
    2. Yeah what's with that?!? My 3yo daughter loves to wear her 6yo brother's underpants, for one, because they're more comfortable than the lacy Olivia ones. . . and they have that handy pocket in the front ;)

      Delete
  5. Not that I would EVER (EVER!) do it, but I actually read an article that said something along the lines of "eating your boogers boosts your immune system." It kind of makes sense, since you are introducing the germs your boogers are there to catch into the more hostile, acidic environment of your digestive system, so they're weakened considerably more than if they had entered through your nose and give the immune system the opportunity to build recognition. But EEEEEW! I wish I could cite the source, but I am SO not running a Google search at work for "Eating your boogers is good for you."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I'd rather get sick, lol...

      Delete
  6. My 5 year old only has pants on when I insist he put them on. He'll be 6 in April. As soon as he walks in the house, he takes his shoes off and sits down and takes off his pants, as if he's thinking - Thank Maude THAT'S done fore the day. It's maddening. Yes, you must wear pants at the table. And for company. And it's winter ... and for the love of MAUDE!!!, just put your pants on!!! He's tough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahhh, this brought a smile to my face. My daughter was the same way. She is seven now, and just recently stopped thanks to a neighborhood friend (a boy) coming over unexpectantly one day. I think she was mortified that he saw her in her undies, because she now only goes pantless at bedtime!

      Delete
    2. That was my HUSBAND you just described. SIIIGH.

      Delete
  7. Mine loves to wear her pullup on her head, like a crown. It's awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So does mine! It's her superhero outfit - she has her face through the leg hole and calls herself Diaperhead.

      Delete
    2. So funny, and all so true. My kids done all of those things. I have 4 kids, all capable of dressing themselves. Unfortunately, I've sometimes forgotten to check them over before we rush out the door. So they've gone to town/school/church in their oldest, stained, ripped shirt and pants. Sometimes backwards, sometimes mismatched socks (or no socks). I want to pin a note to them saying "The clothing worn by this child is not necessarily approved by the parent."

      Delete
    3. My kids would do this with the swimmy diapers. I have a picture of myself wearing a swimmy diaper on my head with eye holes cut out ...Yes. I'm weird.

      Delete
  8. I have to disagree with the peeing/pooping. BARF! I only survived that "cuteness" with drinking myself enough wine at the end of the day to forget. What is worse re:the undies? "Hey Mommy! Today I forgot to wear undies!!" In front of the whole class with me standing there.

    ReplyDelete
  9. *sighs* My husband is military and most of the time used to cut his hair himself or had me help. (Note the word "used") Thus my son started getting at home hair cuts. He has a triple cowlick in the very back top crown of his head that makes him look like a turkey in full feather when his hair gets too long. So I just slapped a number two guard on it and call it a day. THEN. THEN. THEN. THEN!!!! I go to a desert party that is being held at my wall neighbor (duplex) house. I go, and come back home midway to the sight of a Very. Bald. Son. (cue instant tears that I had to really hold back) My husband had attempted to give him a high and tight.... he moved... when there was NO guard on.... SO... yeah. My son looked like a prison inmate, and a plethora of less politically correct things. (ie kid on chemo (he has dark circles all the time), someone who escaped a concentration camp, etc.) It is JUST NOW two months later really growing out. Did he ever bat an eye? NOPE he thought it was awesome and loved to tell anyone that he saw that "he didn't have hair." His younger sister would just sit there and rub his head like a crystal ball because she liked the feeling of the teeny. tiny. pricklies that were left. Gotta love kids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *dessert. Stupid phone. LOL

      Delete
  10. I remember those days. I don't miss them at all. LOL I am so glad they're both over 10, now. No. No more.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ahhhhh when my son was potty training we were at a friend's house on summer day....he had on shorts and was running around outside, when he pooped in his pants and it fell out of his shorts into their yard. He YELLS as loud as he can to tell me about it!!! I go looking for it and can't find it to clean it up, but later that day my friend found it, when he stepped in it...BAREFOOT!!!!! Absolutely mortifying!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Being the mother of two boys, around 90% of our household's conversations are comprised of the discussion of bodily functions... It doesn't matter what the function, or our location, for sure. We live in Czech Republic and were on the tram and my 5 year old states 'Mom, my balls are sticking to my penis!'... I had to explain that people who aren't American still speak and understand English!!! Meanwhile half of the tram was giggling at our exchange, while I turned bright red.... But the burping and farting are COMPLETELY out of control... and are apparently the funniest things in the world. Even if the sound is made with your mouth ...or armpit. My older son sits on the toilet blindly driving his remote control car. They sniff each others farts. They freely roll and flick their boogers. And I'm sure this is just the beginning........

    ReplyDelete
  13. Loved the whole thing - but "Home for the Demented and Bewildered" made me snort. I am now trying to think of ways to say it in conversation or use it in writing. :)

    A

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ha! This is my household too. Last week we walked all the way to school to pick up my kindergartener before I realized my 3 year old actually had his pants on backwards. Did he care? Nope. Not at all. He ran around and played like he totally meant to do it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. This is hysterical! My son seemed to care about all of this from a very, very young age. It's like he was born a mini adult. My daughter on the other hand, does all of this...with PRIDE. "Hhahahaha, MOM I FARTED!" will ring out wherever we are, prompting a "Oh, thank you for announcing that," because if I try to scold she laughs harder. Clothes are completely optional or irrational. "No, you can't wear just a princess crown....no you cannot wear a sundress and ballet shoes...it's 16 degrees!!" I never knew it would be my sweet, beautiful daughter that would have no shame whatsoever.

    ReplyDelete
  16. apparently a kid can't get away with pulling his pants down in Kindergarten, my son got sent to the office yesterday for pulling his pants down (not his undies thank maude) and encouraging the rest of the class to do it too. He thought it would be funny. I get to go to school this afternoon and chat about it. yay : (

    ReplyDelete
  17. I almost choked on my breakfast when I read "MOOOMMMM! I'M FARTING! I'M FARTING! I THINK THAT MEANS MY POOP IS COMING OUT IN MY UNDERPANTS!”. Seriously, I almost choked. Too funny; this is exactly why I love kids

    ReplyDelete
  18. At Emily OC - that sounds like our house (except the balls and penis), but I have 2 girls! I can't even imagine if they were boys.

    ReplyDelete
  19. How about the kids peeing/pooping with the door wide open? They seem shocked when I tell them I don't want to hear them pee.

    Also, no matter how cold it is outside, little guy will come downstairs each morning in his underwear. I think he would be completely naked if we would allow it. Then he'll complain about being cold (while still only wearing underwear), and I tell him of course he's cold and I'll only do something about it AFTER he puts on jeans and a long sleeved shirt.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I just can't resist the DIY haircut. I also apparently have no spatial reasoning skills. Even as I am chanting "not too short, not too short, not too short..." in my head, I unintentionally take 3 inches off her bangs. Not sure why I do it, but she pulls it off with style, every time. And I still haven't had to pay for a bad haircut.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Rose Torres, my daughter is the same way. She makes fart jokes, tries to give me her boogers in public (um, no thank you), and would be naked every day if we didn't live in such a cold climate. She pees her pants and just keeps playing anyway. Poop is something to exclaim over and measure. My son, however, is shy and modest. Thank goodness.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Did your husband really email you and say his "undies" were on backward? The best part of this post is knowing that a full grown man uses the term Undies...LOL

    ReplyDelete
  23. My 2-yr old is currently wearing pants, bib but no shirt, and a plastic firefighter hat.

    ReplyDelete
  24. My 4 year old son thinks being naked is the best thing ever. God forbid I try to bathe him when company is over, because as soon as his clothes are off, he races through the house making sure everyone knows he's naked and "swingin' in the breeze", as my hubby puts it. And even if he doesn't do a couple of naked laps around the house, he insists on stripping down in his bedroom and then hopping the 15 or so feet to the bathroom, sometimes with his superhero undies still around his ankles. The worst part? The whole time he does this, he gleefully houts, "Look Mommy, look Daddy! My pee-pee is bouncing!" Yeah, no concept of boundaries with that kid... >.<

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, and there's also his morning routine- I wake him up for preschool, he gets out of bed, takes off his pajamas and pull-up (yes, he still wears them at night, although he rarely potties in one), and then he proceeds to stumble, bleary-eyed and only half-conscious, into the bathroom, scratching his naked little butt as he walks. He is such a little man.

      Delete
  25. LOL...my kid has become protective of her boogers. You wipe her nose and she says, "No!! Those are my boogers! GIVE THEM BACK!!" I kid you not :)

    As for the hubby with the underwear on backwards, we have a similar problem of shift differences in our house. Whoever has to get up first must lay their clothes out the night before in the bathroom or spare room (usually me) and whoever comes to bed last has to keep their PJ's in the same place (usually him). It works well for us. No mismatched socks or backwards undies :)Except for those days when I have mom brain and totally forget and wear blue socks with black pants and can never find a bra!!

    Oh, and pants optional is a big thing with my three year old too. That or the just wanting to wear a princess dress every mutherfurking day!! It's 20 below kiddo, how about some track pants?

    ReplyDelete
  26. My kids have gone or are going through this too. We have taught them to say excuse me, however after they do say that, they then go ahead and say why. I farted, or I burped. My Little Miss Adventure has the LOUDEST burps I have ever hear and half the time they come out when she is talking so you are paying attention to her at the time.
    She is also not potty trained yet, but does understand the concept. However what I really dislike is when we are at Target and I am going to the bathroom and she will say at the top of her voice "Mama, what is that smell? Are you pooping? Let me see it!" Totally mortifying because when you come out everyone in that bathroom knows what I did in there. She will also randomly ask "What is that smell?" I swear she has the most sensitive nose that I have ever seen.

    Jrseygirl in VA

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh, the bad haircuts. My darling blond boy, with his stick-straight hair, came out of his very first haircut (from a woman who also looked about nine and like she did NOT want to be doing a kid's hair) looking like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder. Seriously. My husband and I just looked at each other horrified. I showed my sister - who thinks he is perfect - a picture, and she was like "...so, have you seen Tropic Thunder?" and I responded YES YES WE KNOW HE LOOKS LIKE SIMPLE JACK. Suffice it to say, he got another haircut pretty soon after that.

    ReplyDelete
  28. This describes my household, bad haircuts and all.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ahhh, the comments above make me SO glad my kids haven't done most of those things. I do have to say that my X (at the time 25 years old and a father) would CONSTANTLY pick his nose and eat it...and he didn't understand why I wouldn't want to kiss him after he had done that. Can't say I miss that guy.

    My favorite kid gaffe was when my son was potty training and I finally decided that I would NOT buy any more pull ups. He thought that underwear with pictures were the same as pull ups and argued with me in a public bathroom at the mall full of women "The pictures catch my poop!" Thanks for the supportive laughter ladies! Good to know you all have my back.

    ReplyDelete
  30. My family and friends know that when they come over, my 3-year old son WILL be naked. He refuses clothes and has brought his little buddy (my friend's son) on board with him! They go off to play and the next thing you know, there's a naked parade butts-up driving cars through the kitchen.

    Play dates are usually in the late afternoon now, with wine.....

    -Jeanette

    ReplyDelete
  31. I am actually laughing out loud today- thank you SO MUCH for this post! I love knowing that I'm not the only one...your daughter sounds just like mine! http://fourunder4plustwo.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  32. My son is also super protective of his boogies. When I wipe his face he screams"NO! No! NEED IT!" He spent the day in a Lucky Charms t-shirt and a diaper. It was the most I could keep on him. Yesterday he got away from me and ran laughing and naked into MY closet. Where he peed. On the hardwood. I am almost 8 months pregnant. I CAN'T EVEN CATCH THAT LITTLE STINKER ANY MORE. So if he gets away from me there is just this loaded gun racing around the house and giggling. "WINKIE WINKIE WINKIE ALL BOYS ALL BOYS" Because all boys have winkies. Sigh. Soon there will be two winkies running around our home, peeing everywhere like excited puppies.

    ReplyDelete
  33. My daughter is nearly 5, and occasionally declares a "backwards day", in which she will wear her panties, pants and shirt backwards on purpose. All day. No shame. Since I allow her to pick her own clothes and dress herself every day, I merely nod my head, giggle inwardly, and find amusement with the stares and glares which are inevitable as we go about our daily business in the community.

    ReplyDelete
  34. If I have a 2 & a 3 year old (13 months apart), can I get away with putting my undies on backwards? Because it really happened the other day...and I didn't notice until I was getting ready for bed...and feel pretty uncomfortable (me, not the undies) about it still.

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts