Thursday, January 5, 2012

Are you THAT Parent?

This is a little quiz. Kate and I are very open about the fact that we suck at parenting and wish that we could be better at it. We also wish we could be less annoying. You know what we mean when we talk about being THAT mom, right? The one you always see in the grocery store? Or whose kid is on the same soccer team? Well for every one of these questions, one of us (sometimes both) have answered yes. We're that mom.

Sigh... Don't judge us. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

1. At the Kiss and Ride, I sometimes get out of the car even though I'm not supposed to. I know that this makes people mad and occasionally late for work, but I just can't help myself.

2. I have used my fingers as a Kleenex and my spit instead of soap on my child's face. I have done so in public.

3. I force my children to brush their teeth like crazed, meth-fueled weasels and floss like their little lives depend on it. But usually only right before their dentist appointments.

4. I have scheduled playdates for my kids just so they would be distracted by their friends and leave me alone for a little while.

5. Sometimes when I'm at the store, I find myself narrating everything I'm doing for the benefit of my child in an abrasively loud and slow manner. Saying things like: "We're going to by organic broccoli and apples today but not organic meat because it's too dang expensive. Would you like Goldfish for snack? What letter does Goldfish start with? Very good."

6. I sometimes only volunteer for the things where I know I won't actually have to do anything.

7. I allow my children to run around the neighborhood as if they were off-leash puppies. Sometimes I'm outside with them. Sometimes I just keep the window open to hear them yelping.

8. I frequently bring my children places in public and realize that compared to the Gymboree-clad, neatly braided, fresh-and-clean-faced offspring of other mothers, my kids look like filthy street urchins.

9. If another mom on the playground is either hovering like a helicopter in yoga pants or facebooking on her phone while her kids dart into traffic, I will try really, really hard not to be a Judgy McJudgerson but I might have a few minutes of Paltrow-like smugness. Then I feel schmiddty about it.

10. I habitually forget things like snacks and extra pull-ups and always have to ask other moms to hook me up and feel like an idiot because I forgot the baby carrots on the counter again.

11. I have given another mom the righteous sniff if she volunteers for snack and then shows up with Capri Suns and Cheetos still in the Target bag.

12. I have signed up to be snack mom and then forget until five minutes before the game and then shown up with Capri Suns and Cheetos still in the Target bag.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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