Thursday, January 5, 2012

Are you THAT Parent?

This is a little quiz. Kate and I are very open about the fact that we suck at parenting and wish that we could be better at it. We also wish we could be less annoying. You know what we mean when we talk about being THAT mom, right? The one you always see in the grocery store? Or whose kid is on the same soccer team? Well for every one of these questions, one of us (sometimes both) have answered yes. We're that mom.

Sigh... Don't judge us. Admitting you have a problem is the first step.

1. At the Kiss and Ride, I sometimes get out of the car even though I'm not supposed to. I know that this makes people mad and occasionally late for work, but I just can't help myself.

2. I have used my fingers as a Kleenex and my spit instead of soap on my child's face. I have done so in public.

3. I force my children to brush their teeth like crazed, meth-fueled weasels and floss like their little lives depend on it. But usually only right before their dentist appointments.

4. I have scheduled playdates for my kids just so they would be distracted by their friends and leave me alone for a little while.

5. Sometimes when I'm at the store, I find myself narrating everything I'm doing for the benefit of my child in an abrasively loud and slow manner. Saying things like: "We're going to by organic broccoli and apples today but not organic meat because it's too dang expensive. Would you like Goldfish for snack? What letter does Goldfish start with? Very good."

6. I sometimes only volunteer for the things where I know I won't actually have to do anything.

7. I allow my children to run around the neighborhood as if they were off-leash puppies. Sometimes I'm outside with them. Sometimes I just keep the window open to hear them yelping.

8. I frequently bring my children places in public and realize that compared to the Gymboree-clad, neatly braided, fresh-and-clean-faced offspring of other mothers, my kids look like filthy street urchins.

9. If another mom on the playground is either hovering like a helicopter in yoga pants or facebooking on her phone while her kids dart into traffic, I will try really, really hard not to be a Judgy McJudgerson but I might have a few minutes of Paltrow-like smugness. Then I feel schmiddty about it.

10. I habitually forget things like snacks and extra pull-ups and always have to ask other moms to hook me up and feel like an idiot because I forgot the baby carrots on the counter again.

11. I have given another mom the righteous sniff if she volunteers for snack and then shows up with Capri Suns and Cheetos still in the Target bag.

12. I have signed up to be snack mom and then forget until five minutes before the game and then shown up with Capri Suns and Cheetos still in the Target bag.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

68 comments:

  1. I resemble these remarks.

    And also? I'm the helicopter in yoga pants. With cellulite.

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  2. Yep I am definitely that mom too. Here are some of my sins just in the last few weeks.

    1. Was too tired to show up for volunteer event at daughter's school, so claimed a fake illness to the PTA organizer of said volunteer event.

    2. Sent daughter to neighbor's birthday party at 11:30am and then didn't pick her up until after dinner. I figure, they are 2 houses down, they could just send her home any time.

    3. Forgot to pick daughter up from school on a non-after-school-activity day and realized this while at work, a solid 45-minute drive away. Texted husband to call neighbor teenager/babysitter to go get her from the office, while illegally cruising the HOV lane through rush hour traffic to get home.

    4. My kids are Gymboree-clad because I love their sales, but based on the state of their hair you'd think that weasels were nesting on their heads and/or we do not now nor have ever owned a brush. Doesn't matter how recently I brushed their hair. It always looks that way.

    5. Made appointment with pediatrician for 3-yo. Began the appointment without her as husband was sent to pick her up from preschool. They made it in time for the doctor to examine her rash, but the majority of the appointment took place without her.

    6. Am positive that neighbor kids don't come over to play with older daughter because of the volume of younger daughter's tantrums, which are epic and echo up and down the whole block, through the cinder brick walls of our house. I'm thoroughly surprised nobody has called CPS yet.

    7. I keep sodas in the trunk of my car in winter to chill them, then go outside in my robe and flip-flops in the evening to fetch cold cans. Howdy, neighbors! (Did Kate just die a little inside? Maybe I need to upgrade to some pajama jeans...)

    I could go on, but I'm just embarrassing myself now!. :)

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  3. *sigh* I'm THAT mom all the time. 2 - 12 may have been me you described. #1 doesn't apply - we are bus riders.

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  4. I'm THAT mom, too. Only, I'm bi-culturally incompetent...I produce epic fails on two continents, so don't be too hard on yourselves!

    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2012/01/why-im-bad-mom-japanese-version.html

    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2011/03/when-sky-was-in-japanese-preschool-i.html

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  5. You get a free and clear pass on everything but #1. I'm the woman giving you the Maude face as I drive around your car. Also guilty of rolling my eyes so you'll see and occasionaly mouthing 'what the heck' (only i don't say heck). Oh wait, that's judge-y of me isn't it?

    The rest I totally relate to (and do/used to do) on a regular basis.

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  6. LOL...I am turning into that mom for sure. My biggest offense which gets the righteous sniff from the moms (and disapproving shrugs from the teachers) at the pre-school is that I don't make my 3 year old daughter take her boots off and put on her own shoes. I do it for her because pre-school drop-off is 8:55 and I have to be at work at 9 so I don't have 40 minutes. And don't get me started on the hair. My kid runs screaming at the sight of a hairbrush and although mostly well-dressed (providing daddy didn't dress her that morning), her hair is a disaster. Once a Walmart Greeter said to my child whilst she was sitting in the cart. "You are so cute, you'd be so much cuter if mommy took the time to brush your hair..." I just about kicked her in the taco.

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    1. "I just about kicked her in the taco". Divine!

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  7. When I meet a mom that doesn't admit to these things, I figure she's either 1) frantically overcompensating for some other perceived failure or 2) lying. Oh, wait, that's what you meant by the Judgy McJudgerson thing, isn't it? My bad.

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  8. I am SO that mom. If you look up "that mom" in the dictionary -- hello! My mug shot :)

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  9. It's like #10 was written just for me.

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  10. I am right there with you. I also forget lunch for school and also don't realize he went to school with the big holes in the knees on his pants until he came home

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  11. #1 every dang day as Hubby has yet to switch booster seat and car seat and then take off child-prooofing off the back doors of my car. I could probably do it but am too lazy and really do not want Little Miss Adventure kicking my seat every darn time we go out in the car. So I have to let my Kindergarten son out every single morning. LOL

    Jrseygirl in VA

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  12. I'm that mom...all over the place. I kick myself for judging Gymboree matchy-matchy parents...unless they are also hand-(it-to)-me-downers. I mask my last second snack purchasing by telling the playdaters that they get to combine the Cheetos and juiceboxes in Any Way They Want. And my kids all love the zest of Altoids because they were raised with forgotten snacks.

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  13. You guys make me feel so much better. I have done most all of those things. I can also make the cheetos in the bag look like a good parent. My son's class had "brunch" one morning and I was asked to bring biscuits. Totally forgot until the morning of brunch! We live in a rural area, so no quick trip to McDonald's. Yes... I took in gas station biscuits still individually wrapped in foil! EEK!

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  14. I'm confused...what other reasons are there for play dates besides giving mommy a break?

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  15. #1 - You're one of THOSE moms? Geez, how hard is it to frickin' park the car instead of holding up the frickin' line? (which is what you'd hear if you were in my car, followed by the self-admonishment, geez Shel, chill out, it's only 30 seconds) - lol

    #2 - #12 - Guilty

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  16. Yes. Yes. and Yes. Especially the clothing/street urchin one. This one goes along with that.

    I allow the Princess to dress herself on the weekends. I get looks because her sense of style is more Punky Brewster than Limited Too.

    Because I work FT and get home after 6, I let her skip baths with frightening regularity.

    Dinner is a mish mosh affair frequently held in the bed while watching Wizards of Waverly Place.

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  17. Wait, so this list means I suck too? Oh ya, been there done em all.I don't think it makes us bad, it makes us honest. If someone had been honest with us before we had the monsters we would have skipped parenting and gone straight to enjoying a retirement-like existance in our 40's. It's a cult, once you are in you don't want others to know how much it sucks so you keep your mouth shut and smile an evil grin everytime we get a new recruit.

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  18. I am totally a number 4, and it coincides with number 7. Number 7 is why our yard is fenced in, and we have a dinner bell. Number 8 also usually coincides with number 7. I'm the one sitting on the bench wondering to myself why are all these moms standing 2 inches from their kid...let them run/play/fall/getupagain. It's how they learn for number 9.

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  19. Kate, not *the* KateJanuary 5, 2012 at 9:52 AM

    Hmm #2-9 apply to me as well.

    I have actually scheduled play dates at my own house over the lunch hour only to realize (while faced with 2 hungry kids and one judgey mom) that I have nothing in the house but eggs. Breakfast for lunch it is!

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  20. I was unaware that there might be a reason for playdates OTHER than getting peace and quiet for myself...

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  21. This past Autumn I made cupcakes with homemade buttercream icing. As I was making the icing I decided to use Bailey's liquor instead of milk. Delicious. And 2 days later I forgot and sent a boozy cupcake to school in my 9 yr old's lunch box. Mothering-fail.

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  22. Thank Gawd - I was afraid this would be something that made me feel bad (wait, this is RFML, how could that even be *possible*?) but it just made me feel like I'm part of the righteously coolest group of moms ever. xo

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  23. O......M......G....... #5 is SOOOO me, but then you need to add after the first two aisles that ends and I start calling me child's name repeatedly - at first in a normal tone but then increasingly louder in each subsequent aisle! Bam Bam, come here! Bam Bam, don't walk too far! Bam Bam, put that back! Bam Bam, stay is this aisle! BAM BAM, STOP RUNNING! BAM BAM, STOP BOTHERING OTHER PEOPLE! BAM BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I CANNOT believe that I have become THAT MOM! ACK!

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  24. Oh yes, I think every parent is somewhat like these comments. I doubt that their is one perfect parent! :) awesome post!

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  25. Numbers 6-12 are spot on! Oh but who are we kidding? So are 1-5. ;)

    Hilarious!!!

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  26. I just lost my coffee reading the "boozy cupcake" comment! LMAO!!! (oh, and best idea in the history of ever!)

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  27. a couple thing.... #7 is a GOOD thing. Haven't you read Free-range kids. Our kids are as safe as we were in the 70's, but the news makes sure we know about ALL of it!

    Scheduling playdates is SOCIALIZATION...the fact they are out of your hair is a BONUS, you are doing right by them!

    I don't see anything wrong with a lot of that stuff.... does that make me "that mom" too!?! I can come up with a counter argument for ALL of them...just sayin'..

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  28. My daughter has outrageously thick hair. Which she doesn't brush.
    When threatened with things against the Geneva Convention, she will (over the course of an hour or more, with so much whining that ~I~ want to invoke the Geneva Convention) brush the sides.
    And only the sides.
    As if, since she can't see the back, I can't see the back.
    She's ten. This has been going on for YEARS. I was not winning.

    Finally, I cut the back of her hair really short. In a pony tail, you can't even tell. Which was the idea. But she loves her new punker-do, so wears it down.

    Oh, the looks I get.... Ah, #4, we are the royal family of #4

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  29. I am THAT parent.

    And I will always wonder what drives the other kind of parent.

    THe McJudgersons. THey really like being evil.

    So, yeah, my kid are messy and their lunches are last night's dinner but I am a NICE person.

    And I don't judge b/c I figure who knows what went down in some poor lady's house that morning.

    You never know..she may have woken up drenched in dog vomit.

    You just never know...

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  30. Even if I try to dress mine in adorable clothes, they end up looking like street urchins 5 minutes later. Boys. Hrumph.

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  31. I thought being judgy and then doing the same thing was one of the perks of being a mom. Right?

    I'm with you on all of this.

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  32. I am guilty of about half of them, and my children aren't even school aged yet. I am so going to be that mom, and I am going to be darn proud of it, and a little ashamed. ;)

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  33. I threaten my booger-in-the-eye children all the time with my spit-finger! If that doesn't yield a "Mother of the Year" award, I don't know what does!

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  34. I my gosh... "Herself" ... we have the battle about the back of the hair daily with my 11 year old - when will they start taking responsibility for it???? Just cus you can't see it doesn't mean that there is not a squirrel's nest on the back of your head!!!!!

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  35. I am THAT mom...

    I'm THAT mom who lets my children scream unsupervised like wild animals in the front yard, and then I come out and yell when one of them bashes another. Yes, the neighbors hate us. We're loud and obnoxious.

    I'm THAT mom who brings my 6 yr old son into the ladies' restroom with me when there is no alternative. And the 4 yr old, of course. Oh yeah, and I have made my 8 yr old son sit just inside the door of the ladies' room, too, to wait for me.

    I'm THAT mom who watches my kids' diet super- carefully and can't help checking what other people give their children. Does that baby really have kool-aid in their bottle? Did that mom really just give their overweight preschooler soda and chips for lunch? Sniff.

    I'm THAT mom who still puts her 6 yr old in the shopping cart at the grocery store (and so also has to include the 4 yr old even though it means I have no room in the cart for groceries) because he runs away from me in the store. Every. Damn. Time.

    -Sarah

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  36. I've been that Mom so many times I have lost count. I think my kids perfected that uncombed hair street urchin look!

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  37. I haven't had time yet to be 'that mom' since my daughter is only 3 months but I guess I am sometimes 'that mom' of the newborn world haha. Loved it!!

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  38. I'm the Mom in yoga pants who is hovering with one hand, but not actually watching because I am facebooking on my phone with the other hand. Did I mention there's a boobstain? I'm also the Mom who gets Judgey McJudgerson when you show up with Doritos and Sprite for a snack when I bring TruMoo boxes and Annie's organic bunny crackers. Which I ONLY buy for playgroup, because they taste like ass.

    But hey, they make me look good :D

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  39. I amd 10 out of 12!

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  40. I'm so all of these and then some.

    In the winter time, I sometimes take my kids to the store in their feety pajamas because they are warm, they cover their feet, their boots slip right over them and most importantly they are convenient (read: lazy). LOL

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  41. I'm THAT MOM who makes a stink about her son's sensitivity to artificial color and flavor yet fail to bring in any safe snacks for when another Mom brings in something he can't eat for snack. Yeah, I suck.

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  42. now in my book the filthy disheveled kids on the playground are the ones actually having fun because their moms (like me for instance) don't give a crap if the clothes get stained cuz we all know that dirt pile is the best place on the playground.

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  43. I am mostly "that mom", except for the hovering in yoga pants thing. My active 4 yo son has autism and language delays and sensory processing disorder, so he seeks out sensations that are "high" and "fast". If I did not hover at least s little bit, he would either run away and/or climb to the top of the giant play structure and jump off! Judge me not! I let him run and play, but am always nearby, just in case!

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  44. I am #8 not only in public situations, but also at family gatherings where my impeccably dressed nieces and nephew always make my girls look like they rolled out of their beds coated in a layer of chocolate covered boogers and random crumbs!

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  45. You people are SO my people. I love the post, love the comments. Love you all. :-) And I am (at least) 2, 5, 9 and 11.

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  46. Kindly extricate yourselves from my brain. Please.

    I'm all of those things AND the effing PTA president. Shoot me. Please.

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  47. Thank you for not only being real... but for being extremely entertaining too. Catching up on your stories has been a perfect way to occupy my time while I recuperate. It's at least keeping my mind off of the kitchen, which I'm going to need a pressure washer for once I'm up and about.

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  48. I'm just going to make a shirt that says "yep I'm THAT MOM" LOL

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  49. JEssica:
    BAILEYS INSTEAD OF MILK?

    I think that shall be my new mantra. For just about everything. THINK of the coffee! The cake! The PUDDING!!!!

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  50. You had me a "we suck at parenting"...

    "OMG do we SUCK at this or WHAT?" was DH's and my mantra over the holiday season. Shortened to "Yea, we suck" as the death spiral wore on (and on, and on).

    We suck at "making traditions". We suck at "feeding our kid food that isn't a pancake or waffle". We suck at "seeing Santa Claus and getting a picture with him". We suck at holiday cards/letters. We suck at managing tantrums. We suck at saying "no". We suck at consistency.

    The list goes on and on.

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  51. Mmmmm Bailey's cupcakes!!!! Lol so hard at that one...but in an empathetic way, cuz I could see myself doing that on accident some day as well. I have mastered the art of spit-washing faces...my daughter doesn't even notice it anymore, and I am the mom in yoga pants hovering over my 6 month old while my 6 year old completely takes advantage of that fact and wreaks havoc on the playground. I volunteer to do the at home sewing projects cuz my baby won't stay off my boob long enough to actually volunteer at the school. So I volunteer my poor husband to do those instead, haha! Honestly tho, i'm glad for the excuse for the time being....most of the time. Kindergarteners are CRAZY!!!!!!

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  52. Last week when my BF called to ask if I minded her keeping our visit when her daughter was getting a cold, I said sure. But what I was thinking was that maybe my son would catch the cold and he would feel sick enough to slow down and take a nap/stop climbing/stop riding the cat/sliding down the stairs to his potential broken leg.

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  53. Guilty. I don't even know what happens to the time between drag booty out of bed and funnel coffee, and "dammit, run, I can hear the bus". On the days when we are actually out there before its pulling up and I happen to have a second to give "the Danish" a once over I will find A)he's wearing the jeans I pulled out of the draw to get rid of, but never actually moved beyond the barriers of his room so they are 2 inches too short and have giant holes in the knees, B)his hair is defying gravity(not all in the same direction) and there is unidentifiable crust on his face which leads to struggling as I try to spit clean him, and C)any last minute question will inevitably be answered with a "no, I forgot" for example,"did you brush your teeth?" or "Do you have your homework folder" or sometimes "did you change your underwear this morning???". And when the bus driver waves and gives us both the once over, him and his messtasticness, me, unwashed and wearing clothes reminiscent of rainbow bright vomit with my husbands size thirteen slippers I smile and turn the same color as my bright red hoodie and swear we will be a picture of preppy neatness and hygiene tomorrow. This never happens. I love you hookers!

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  54. As long as thier bits are covered, nothing is skin-tight, and it is reasonably appropriate to the occasion, I've always let my girls dress themselves. Sometimes this makes me proud (14-year-old daugther choose cute two-piece swimsuit of swim shorts and tankini-style top that covered everything) and sometimes, not so much (i.e., the time the now-14-year-old word nothing but old ballet recital outfits every time we went to the store--she was 5; or last week, when my 8-year-old wore the following to my mom's 75th b-day dinner: red and white striped tights, short black skirt, long tank shirt which-used-to-be-a-summer-dress, decorated with a flag mofit...lots and lots of red-and-white stripes, a red T-shirt which she cut up the front and back to make inverted "V" designs, and a gaint, ginormous red-and-white feathery hair clip. With her imitation Uggs ($20 from Payless).

    So...hello #8

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  55. I'm #4, and #12. I love it when someone asks DD to visit their house. But it's okay when her friends come over here now too, because they're finally old enough to want to hang out in her bedroom and do the girl talk thing for hours on end, so there's less free-ranging drama than there used to be. And I'm often guilty of forgetting I signed up for snack for some event and rushing out to get something at the last minute. Capri Suns? Awesome.

    And #5 has been a way of life for us, since our oldest has Asperger's Syndrome (and we've modeled and explained EV-ER-Y-THING for him for EVER), and we home schooled (which meant that - you guessed it - EV-ER-Y-THING we did could be made educational some way or another). I don't have to do it as much, now, and if I forget and slip back into "life skills" mode I get the "Mom, I KNOW!" mutter with optional glance around to see if other people are watching us learn in the produce aisle.

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  56. I still feel so douchey for thinking that. I am WAAAAAY never being pregnant with a toddler again. TOO HARD.

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  57. I suck so much I didn't have the energy to put up a tree this holiday season. Just started a new job, have my volunteer obligations AND my photography business on the side.....

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  58. This is a description of a bad parent? At my house we call it Tuesday.

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  59. I think I may have to write my own version of these... for first time moms who swore they would never be "THAT mom", LOL.

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  60. Mommy!mommy!mommy!January 7, 2012 at 6:56 PM

    I swear that I read a study where #5 makes us awesome Mommies!

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  61. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Of all of the above. I will say, however, that while I do bring healthy snacks to play group, when the leftovers come home, they usually end up in the trash because my kids would choose cheetos over fruit any day of the week. And so would I. *hangs head in shame*

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  62. I really wanted to read this list but I kept getting distracted by the woman's boobs at the top.

    Also? Number 6? Those are the only things worth volunteering for.

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  63. All I can say is... I am so glad to be in the company of so many other "that moms". I almost never remember to brush my kids hair before we go out and they always look as disheveled as me.

    Tonight I accidentally threw away my daughter's tooth and had to write a note to the tooth fairy begging her to find it in the trash for us and leave money under the pillow. Last time the tooth fairy forgot to come the first night.

    Sometimes I totally suck at this but I love my kids and they totally know it. :)

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  64. I'm THAT mom who let her kid ride in the bottom of the grocery cart (the 9 yr old) cause he wanted to. Meh, he was out of the way and not bugging me while the 3 yr old rode in the "car" and the 7 yr old held on to the side with a butt-load of groceries. I told them if they wanted to do it, they had to stay there, no matter how long we were in the store....hehehe needless to say, he's never asked to do that again, much less go to the store. Sweet! the grocery store is one child closer to my sanctuary! :D A girl's gotta dream!

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  65. hahaha. Sounds like me. I send my kid to a school I heard was wonderful private school for individuals. I loved it and he loves it. Then I started to realize 3 weeks in that it might be a 'hippie' school. When at his birthday party he got monet coloring book (who knew), bob marley cd, a parent artist original portrait among other things. My poptart and banana lunch received a note home to please not pack 'junk food for lunch as it stimulates a child's motor cortex'. I am the only parent to have forgotten snack 3 times so far and who does not bring organic or home baked foods it seems. At the parent potluck dinner I took a bucket of fried chicken and learned that every other family is vegitarian! and one is the proud owner of Farm Animal Rescue who is proud to have spent time in jail for her cause after stealing some chickens that's saving some chickens from a chicken farm.

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