Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year's Resolutions: Then and Now

If you're a New Year's Resolution kind of person, and even a teensy bit like Kate, you'll be the kind of woman who goes way too grandiose when it comes to all the changes you will be making [awww crap] two days ago. And then after a couple days of abject failure and self-loathing, you'll come to the conclusion that New Year's resolutions -- as our children so painfully pointed out for us yesterday -- are just a way to show us our massive flaws.

So...we've devised a new set of New Year's Resolutions that are attainable, achievable and -- if you're so inclined -- possible to totally ignore and yet still accomplish. We've taken the 1955 Rules for A Good Housewife, changed them up a bit, and then given them a nice, realistic 2012 twist.

THEN: When my husband returns home from work, he will find the children in the living room, fed, freshly bathed, waiting with his pipe, slippers and Scotch. Then, a quick kiss and they're compliantly off to bed.
NOW: When my husband returns home from work, he will find the children living.

THEN: I will greet your husband with a warm smile, speak to him in a low, soothing, and feminine voice, and show him how happy I am to see him.
NOW: I will greet my husband without anything stabby in my hands. Probably.

THEN: I will listen to him. He may have a dozen things to say. And, I will let him talk first---what he has to say is more important than what I have to say.
NOW: If that man has a dozen things to say, I'm calling Oprah. Unless it's about sports; and then I'm shoving a hot poker in my ears.

THEN: A wife's duty in the bedroom is to make sure her husband is satisfied, complimented and attended to.
NOW: "Ugh, really? OK, but True Blood is on in six minutes, so can you make it qui--well allrighty then. Uhhh, yes. It was *super good* for me too. I think. Oooohhhh, Skaaaarsgaaaard."

THEN: Be a little gay (happy) and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a "lift" and one of your duties is too provide it.
NOW: Umm, see above.

THEN: Before he gets home, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
Before he gets home, turn off Facebook, toss all the Target bags in the linen closet and run over and retrieve the children from the -- the -- crap. Where are the kids?

THEN: I will arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
NOW: I will arrange his To Do list and offer to let him thank me for it.

THEN: I will remember that a good wife always knows her place.
NOW: I will remember that a good wife always knows the best places to hide things. Big things. Like bodies. What were you saying about "my place"?

THEN: I will clear away the clutter in my home.
NOW: I will keep the phone number for the fire department handy. For just this occasion.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. Oh, man--that made my day better (wasn't bad, but made it better!) I think the turning off FB and hiding the Target bag one was written just for me!! Thanks, guys, for the laugh before bed!

  2. Wait *picks up jaw from floor*

    Was that 1955 thing real?
    And also, that's exactly what happens in our house between the ring downstairs at the building entrance and the door bell to the apartment entrance. Only, I've trained 3.5 year old to utilize her energy in that 4 minute clean up.

  3. Ruthie Queen Of All Things ProcrastinationJanuary 3, 2012 at 7:52 AM

    In 2012, I WILL sacrifice a whole 3 friggin’ post-T-box minutes at night to chisle the massive layers of paint and spackle from my face - a.m. cardboard skin syndrome is really starting to affect my FANCY reputation.

  4. I really like the "then" in #2! Whoops ;)

  5. I needed that this morning! Our house is not coated in dirt and the kids are all breathing and happy. I have done my job!

  6. My fave is #1, LOL!

  7. This is hilarious!! And exactly what I needed whilst entertaining a clusterfeeding newborn in the middle of the night in a drafty living room (whyyyy is it only drafty in the middle of the night?!) while my darling husband snored warmly and happily under our fancyass Pottery Barn duvet.

  8. Yup... I can handle these resolutions!

  9. Best resolution list ever. I am definitely putting #6 and 7 on my list.

    By the way, where are my kids?

  10. Love it, thank you for starting my morning with a giggle. Planning to forward the link to my hubby. Wonder if he will be amused or just start wishing he lived in the 50's?

  11. Sorry, did you write something? I was totally distracted by the hot swedish guy...

  12. Wow! It's amazing how far we've come! I like NOW a whole lot better!!! (Part of the reason I don't have a husband anymore!!)

  13. The target bag one made me snarf my coffee! So true.

  14. I had a friend early in my marriage who took that original list's ideas and told me to just spray Pledge around in the air and the apartment would smell as if I had done my housekeeping for the day.
    Fortunately, I quickly learned that my dH didn't really care anyway.

  15. I loved this one! My hubby jokes (I think) about shit like this all the time. If I point out to him that it might be a nice gesture and a good example for the kids to thank me for the gourmet meal I spent 3 hours cooking just because it's his favourite, he'll say something like. Ok. And you should thank me for the electricity you used to cook it. (It should be noted that I contribute 1/3 of the family's income while looking after our 4 young kids full-time and also being a full-time PhD student). How the hell did men like this survive into 2012??

    1. I think our husbands are related!

  16. LMAO. I know the advice back then was real. Don't know how we survived it. Brings to mind an email "joke" that I have gotten...

    A man comes home from work to an open garage door. Hose drug out and is still running, baby pool half inflated with water spilling out of it. Toys everywhere in the yard. He steps over tossed bikes and balls to enter the house. Door wide open, rug balled up against the wall. Clothes and toys all over the steps. In the kitchen he finds the fridge opened, gallon of milk spilled on the floor. Half eaten food and dishes everywhere. He begins to get concerned as he doesn't yet see his wife or children. He starts up the steps and sees the tub overflowing into the hallway. Clothes and towels soaking wet. He runs into the bedroom to find his wife, in her bathrobe eating chocolate reading a novel. He exclaims, "Honey! Are you alright?" She replies, "Yes of course, why do you ask?" He furrows his brow and says, "Well, because, the yard, the house...everything is a disaster." She says, "Oh, that. Well, you know everyday when you come home and ask me what I did today? Well, today, I didn't do it."

  17. My grandpa has that 1955 book in his house. We've had a great laugh over it!

  18. The second one had me spewing my beverage on my computer screen...freaking hysterical! And to think my grandmother WAS a housewife in the fifties...but she would would NEVER have done any of that crap for my grandfather. She'd have tossed him out on his arse before she'd have done any of that schmidt!!

  19. I think there's a typo in the second one, which makes it even better:

    THEN: I will greet your husband with a warm smile, speak to him in a low, soothing, and feminine voice, and show him how happy I am to see him.

    (Hey, stay away from MY husband! Get your own!)

  20. I really think the 1955 version was written by a male.

  21. OK, first of all, I can't believe there aren't like twenty bazillion comments about this - I guess people are still new-year-recovering. Last night after reading this, my husband realized his wife had been kidnapped and replaced by a stepford wife wannabe - it was hilarious! Darling, may I refresh your martini before preparing the delicious evening meal?

  22. That's why old ladies are so mean. My in-laws have a friend that just glares at me everytime I sit down. She's bitter because she ran around like a chicken with her head cut off when she had a young family, which by the way she drove away.

  23. Bahaha, this is fantastic. The facebook/Targetbag one really hits home, lol. Thankfully my hubby is in touch with reality and only complains if he's gone more than two days without clean socks or underwear, or (safely the next day) if I burst tearfully into the living room at 9:15 pm, followed by a cloud of smoke, ordering him to call for pizza for his damn dinner. Yes, this has happened, but only about three times. :P

  24. I can't breathe, fantastic! I remember as a kid watching my mother do exactly what was said, "THEN" and as a very small child remembering, religiously coaching myself, chanting in a low tone, so that my mother could not hear me "Robot, Robot" (and vowed to never become this person) until she heard me and shoved a bar of soap into my mouth. It was then, I realized she was totally a different person until Dad got home.




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