Tuesday, January 3, 2012

New Year's Resolutions: Then and Now

If you're a New Year's Resolution kind of person, and even a teensy bit like Kate, you'll be the kind of woman who goes way too grandiose when it comes to all the changes you will be making [awww crap] two days ago. And then after a couple days of abject failure and self-loathing, you'll come to the conclusion that New Year's resolutions -- as our children so painfully pointed out for us yesterday -- are just a way to show us our massive flaws.

So...we've devised a new set of New Year's Resolutions that are attainable, achievable and -- if you're so inclined -- possible to totally ignore and yet still accomplish. We've taken the 1955 Rules for A Good Housewife, changed them up a bit, and then given them a nice, realistic 2012 twist.

THEN: When my husband returns home from work, he will find the children in the living room, fed, freshly bathed, waiting with his pipe, slippers and Scotch. Then, a quick kiss and they're compliantly off to bed.
NOW: When my husband returns home from work, he will find the children living.

THEN: I will greet your husband with a warm smile, speak to him in a low, soothing, and feminine voice, and show him how happy I am to see him.
NOW: I will greet my husband without anything stabby in my hands. Probably.

THEN: I will listen to him. He may have a dozen things to say. And, I will let him talk first---what he has to say is more important than what I have to say.
NOW: If that man has a dozen things to say, I'm calling Oprah. Unless it's about sports; and then I'm shoving a hot poker in my ears.

THEN: A wife's duty in the bedroom is to make sure her husband is satisfied, complimented and attended to.
NOW: "Ugh, really? OK, but True Blood is on in six minutes, so can you make it qui--well allrighty then. Uhhh, yes. It was *super good* for me too. I think. Oooohhhh, Skaaaarsgaaaard."

THEN: Be a little gay (happy) and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a "lift" and one of your duties is too provide it.
NOW: Umm, see above.

THEN: Before he gets home, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
Before he gets home, turn off Facebook, toss all the Target bags in the linen closet and run over and retrieve the children from the -- the -- crap. Where are the kids?

THEN: I will arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes.
NOW: I will arrange his To Do list and offer to let him thank me for it.

THEN: I will remember that a good wife always knows her place.
NOW: I will remember that a good wife always knows the best places to hide things. Big things. Like bodies. What were you saying about "my place"?

THEN: I will clear away the clutter in my home.
NOW: I will keep the phone number for the fire department handy. For just this occasion.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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