Wednesday, January 4, 2012

One Example of How Men and Women Are Very Different

I've been meaning to tell you this story for ages. I know how much you all enjoy reading about me doing something stupid. I like this story for several reasons:

1) I demonstrate how weird I am.
2) The Cap'n says something fairly straightforward but does so in such a manner as to trigger an episode of Raging B.
3) It shows how there are moments when men and women barely speak the same language.

So here's what happened:

[The Cap'n comes home from work to me cooking dinner and kids running around like unmedicated, rabid squirrels.]

Cap'n: “HOLY CROW – what’s that smell?!”
Lydia: “Your dinner. And that’s an extremely rude and disrespectful thing to say to me as you walk in the door.”
Cap'n: “What are you talking about? It smells like a turd in here. I’m not making an editorial comment about your cooking. It literally smells like pooh in this house.”
Lydia: “Do you have any idea what it’s been like here for the past two hours? Your kids are insane and the dog knocked over the TV and I have a deadline tomorrow. I do NOT need you walking in here at the 11th hour to tell me the house is disgusting and your dinner is gross.”
Cap'n: “There’s a poopy diaper in the trash right here. A really big one.” [points to a trashcan about twelve inches from me, where sure enough an extremely ripe diaper is sitting right on top.] “Would you like me to take it out? It’s like a grown man did this.”
Lydia: “Ummmm… Yes.”

How did I not smell it? I have no idea. I imagine the people who work in the monkey house at the zoo have the same problem. Why didn't the Cap'n at least say hello before he complained that it was so stinky, probably because the aroma was too powerful for him to think any other thoughts.

This is part of a post I did for Babble called "7 Things I Wish I Knew About Men Before I Got Married."  If you would like to read the other 6 things, they're right here.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011


  1. crackin' up! so funny... because its so real. Totally something that would happen at my house! Thanks for sharing!

  2. I've been guilty of saying things like that when I walk into the house after work as well. Big mistake! Now I don't say a word, I just walk over and give my wife a big hug no matter what she is doing. Only then am I free to open my big fat mouth and wonder what is curdling under the couch....

  3. ugh, you hit it on the head. my dh is our stay-at-home parent, but when HE comes in (from the store, the errands, the chaffeuring), he spouts the same kind of gems. "Why are there still dishes in the sink?" "Did a dog poo in the dining room?" How about a "Hello, darling. I'm so glad to return to my prison errrr family home."

  4. My Husband does this as well. At LEAST have the common courtesy to say "Hi honey!" before "WTF is that STINK?".
    It's all I ask.

  5. That sounds about how it'd go in my house. He'll come home thinking the place reeks of death and horrible science experiments that went awry and I'm like- What the hell are you smelling?! I will walk out side, stand a bit (and revel in the kid-free silence of the moment) then reenter to gag on the smells... lovely!

  6. Something very similar happened in my house last night; except I asked my husband if I should just throw dinner in the blender and serve it up in feedbags.

  7. Magic. Just magic.

    I think we've all had our monkey house moments.

  8. I'm always paranoid about people smelling toddler poop in my house. My hub knows if he says anything I'll lose my mind, so he usually keeps his trap shut.

  9. Ok, that makes me laugh for 2 reasons. The first is that it is funny, I have 4 kids, it is funny. The second is that I am congenitally anosmic. I will not make you google that: I was born without a sense of smell. I have had my share of poopie diaper incidents...usually ones where my child was WEARING a freaking rotting diaper and I was completely unaware and must have looked like either an idiot or an unfit mother. Thankfully, everyone uses the toilet now and they usually flush too.

  10. This made me laugh so hard, that tears were brought to my eyes. Probably similar to that diaper your husband smelled...
    Thanks for starting my day off with a good laugh!

  11. @Penny I have a friend who was also born without a sense of smell. Before she had children (and when she was new to the church) she used to work in the nursery on Sunday morning. One week she finally got up the nerve to ask the pressing question that had been bothering her for months...why do all the workers keep sniffing the children's backsides? We all had a good giggle (her included) when we explained that we were trying to locate the culprit with the poopy diaper.

  12. My dh has a sensitive sniffer, and he IS typically complaining about whatever I may be cooking. Not that I'm not an excellent cook, just that he can't tolerate the smell of onions or garlic cooking in olive oil or butter. Um, duh! Those are delicious smells! What is wrong with him??

  13. "Its like a grown man did this."
    bahahaha HA ha HA.

    I love it.

    And I love the comic "I have never been more excited to see another human being in my life."

    And also, that hour where Dad is on his way home and you're working on dinner and the kids are wild and needy...yeah thats a doozie. I feel for you.

    Also spellcheck doesn't like how I spelled doozie. Or "spellcheck."

  14. my darling husband (*ahem* read into that LOL) used to do that all the time. until 2 years ago when he hit his head after he passed out and lost his sense of smell. for real. I really miss the days he came home asked what delicious food I was cooking, but I don't miss the WTF is that smell ;)

  15. One day after my son finally gave up the goods (a suppository, prunes,prune juice, two phone calls to the ped, and two trips to the drug store were all involved) my husband walked in the door and said"it smells like a sweat shop with an open pit toilet in here". I did not even notice. Though after two blowouts and SEVEN poopie diapers I don't know how I missed it.

  16. I love this! It means I'm not the only one! I think there's something that happens to your olfactory glands once you have kids that makes you pretty immune to the crazy smells said kids emit. I'm convinced it's a Mommy thing. :-)

  17. I have a very poor sense of smell, so my kids were always the ones wearing the poopy nappies longer than perhaps they should have been
    My daughter (3) also has a medical condition which restricts her diet to 95% fruit and vegetables (makes for some big smelly messes). Before she was toilet trained, she had some *serious* smelling surprises in her pants - that even *I* could smell. She has been known to clear rooms of even toughened experienced Mummies!
    THANKGOD for the reduced olfactory senses I say!!!! LOL

  18. Oh pure awesomeness, once again. Thanks for the laugh, I think I needed it :)

  19. Oh, man. This hits close to home. We were just at Fred Meyer yesterday in the produce section when this lovely young lady walked by our cart to check out the zucchini, looked over at us, covered her lower face in her scarf, and scurried back over to her boyfriend. "Well, THAT was awfully dramatic for spoiled Freddy's produce," I thought to myself as I completed our shopping trip.

    Any ideas what I found in darling daughter's diaper when we got home? I spent the rest of the afternoon in a flop-sweat over the fact that I have somehow become totally immune to the odorific contents of my two-year-old's diapers. You have no idea how happy I am that someone else has experienced this. Mostly because it means I'm normal and don't have a nose tumor.

  20. We were at the pharmacy getting prescriptions for the variety of illnesses plaguing the household. Husband and baby are browsing the cold medications, while I get us set up with the girl at the counter. I turn to my husband and say "I need my wallet in order to pay". He looks at me like I grew a second head which then exploded. I paused for dramatic effect, turned back to the girl at the counter and said 'You'd think that we speak two different languages', then I went to the cart and pulled out the wallet. Shortly followed by the look of dawning comprehension on my husband's face. This is my life.

  21. OMG. My hubs is the one who cannot smell. Our 3.5 year-old daughter is *highly* averse to using the potty for poo. She is also still using a Pull-Up for nighttime, and (being averse to pooing in the potty) will OFTEN poo in the Pull-Up once she is......ahem......relaxed (i.e. asleep). I can smell that mo-fo as I am coming up the stairs!! Many a night where I have changed her Pull-Up while she’s in a sleepy stupor.

  22. I am so going to get into trouble reading your blog at work - the laughing is giving me away! Husbands are perpetually 12 years old - I love it when he goes to the kitchen, opens a cupboard and says "where is..." and he is staring right at it. The best part is I have to get up and hand it to him AND he laughs. I just sent him to camp (I mean a conference).




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