Friday, January 20, 2012

Things I Never Want To Say Again Because I Am Always F**king Saying Them

I love my kids so much but I swear to Maude, I have to tell them the same schmidt about twenty times a day and I'm about to freak the freak out. Would you like an example? Here we go. I don't want to say "Please pick up your coats and shoes" anymore. In fact, if I say it again - my right eyeball will start throbbing and then it will explode.

But if I don't say those words then every, single time we all come in the house, there would be a huge pile of outerwear, backpacks and boots in the entryway that would act as a barrier for all who try to enter.

Then I would be all like this:
Because all the coats and stuff are blocking the door. Sorry.
And you know what? I don't want to be Gandalf. I really don't. So I vented to my Guru Louise and Kate and they said they do the same thing. And that made me feel slightly better. So I made a list of the stuff we have said at least 10,000 times and never, ever want to say again.

(1) Do NOT go outside in just your socks. Wear shoes or go barefoot or stay inside. Those socks were new and now they're black on the bottom.

(2) Flush the potty. JUST. FLUSH. IT. I don't want to see what you made.

(3) It's winter, please put on some pants.

(4) Newsflash. You didn't "take a shower" if you didn't use soap.

(5) Why would you put your dirty underwear back in the drawer? It smells like a rest stop bathroom in here.

(6) You're not hungry, you're bored. Go eat an apple. SEE?! If you were actually hungry, you would eat the apple.

(7) The cat really doesn't appreciate that.

(8) For the love of Maude, POOP GOES IN THE POTTY.

(9) Where are your gloves? Seriously – what do you do with them?

(10) Please get your towel off of the floor. It. Does. Not. Have. Legs. It cannot walk back to the towel rack.

(11) Did you brush your teeth? Do we brush our teeth every day? Is there a special "Don't Brush Your Teeth Day" that I didn't know about?

(12) No one wants to see your parts. That is not funny.

(13) Do not play Dragon Ball Z-Kai with your baby sister! She’s a person!

(14) TURN DOWN THE VOLUME ON THE DANG TV! I AM NOT YELLING! I asked you about 20 times in my normal voice to turn it down but you had freaking Phineas and Ferb and The Way of The Platypus so jacked up that you couldn't hear me.

(15) Hands aren't for hitting. Feet aren't for kicking. (But wine is for drinking.)

Feel free to add your own below, I'm sure they're as whacktacular as ours.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

323 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you have to repeat yourself but thanks for the chuckle.

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  2. No, you cannot have a special treat until after you eat your dinner. Yes you have to eat it if you want that piece of leftover birthday cake. All of it. No, not just two more bites, I said ALL. Fine, no dinner, no cake. And if you keep sobbing at me like that you can go spend the evening sitting in time out.

    Every. Single. Night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This sounds just like m house!

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    2. Instead of "time-out" we do "We'll just do bedtime and you can be hungry. You'll survive."

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    3. You have leftover birthday cake every night? ;)

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    4. OMG yes!! Every. single. night.!! Even when we don't have treats in the house. When someone figures out how to get children to eat a decent dinner every night (or even once a week) please let me know!

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    5. So really, is that plan working for you?

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  3. - Boogers are not weapons!

    - Underwear is NOT negotiable!

    - Nine-year-olds do not need cell phones. Who are you going to call? Grandma? You can call her from my phone.

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    Replies
    1. I hear you on the cell phone, sister. Please! What are you going to text about, Beyblades? Give me a break!

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  4. I've become so sick of repeating the same schmidt over and over that usually I'll cal them to me, no matter if they're in the middle of a PlayStation game or a good show on TV, and make them stand there and tell me what they did wrong and fix it.
    It doesn't always work, or maybe sometimes not fast enough to satisfy my angry self, but other times they know what it is right off the bat and fix it.

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  5. I have nothing to add, but OH MY GOD, after JUST finishing with the potty training with my daughter and starting with my son, if I have to direct someone where exactly to put their schmidt again, I'm going to freak. WHY does it not register? At the very least, kid, know the ANSWER when I ask you where it was SUPPOSED to go.

    Oh, I lied. I do have one to add. "For crying out loud, stop whining!!!" Because the auto-response to any of the above demands? A high-pitched exhalation of displeasure that seriously triggers my Crazy.

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  6. Pick your nose in the bathroom.

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  7. Stop taking off your diaper! If you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to go in the potty. I am so tired of poo being flung around the room and smeared everywhere!
    And, because she's 2, she understands maybe the first sentence, and the rest is just me ranting for the heck of it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I say these things 4200x a day, I swear:
    Be nice to kitty.
    Hands to yourself.
    Fingers out of noses.
    How do we ask?
    Is that your big girl voice?
    If I have to ask you again, I will...(fill in the blank)
    STOP FIGHTING!
    Are you buckled yet?
    Put your coat on. Put your shoes on.
    Go to the potty. Just try.

    By now, even I'm tired of the sound of my voice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! We do every one of those...over and over and over. And then the guilt when I yell...good times.

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    2. Sounds just like my house. It never ends!

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    3. These are EXACTLY what I repeat over and over at my house (except we don't have a kitty.)

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    4. Lol! You should just start telling them to be nice to the kitty just to confuse them Anonymous.

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  9. Pure gold. Maybe I should print and laminate the list, then I can just holler the numbers and point! I can hear me now. ELEVEN! huh? E-LEV-ENNNN! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. we actually have rules by the numbers at our house:
      1) don't fall off the trampoline.
      2) don't get hurt on the trampoline.
      3) take your thumb out of your mouth (though we don't need this one anymore)
      4) leave your package alone!
      5) no freaking out!

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    2. What is it with the fingers in the mouth? That drives me nuts!

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    3. hahahaha! I like that!

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  10. I am officially sick of asking my 4 1/2 year old if she needs to use the bathroom. Yesterday:
    "Honey, do you need to use the potty?"
    "No!" (No in this case is the no that should only be shouted when a stranger wants to tempt you into his van with candy)
    "Fine! At some point in your life you will have to pee."

    ReplyDelete
  11. Who ate in the living room? Pick up these food wrappers! Who ate in the computer room? Pick up these food wrappers! You know you aren't suppose to eat in the living room! I don't care if it wasn't you and it was your brother, pick these up! Who's socks are these? Please use the laundry basket! Pick up your shoes! Why can't you take your shoes off by the backdoor like you are suppose to? Who's wet towels on the floor are these? Pick them up! Please let the water out of the tub when you are finished!

    As Bill Cosby says "it's the same thing, everyday."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right there with you. Every freaking day...

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  12. Ruthie Queen Of All Things ProcrastinationJanuary 20, 2012 at 6:45 AM

    My response to one of my kids slipping in a cuss word, “THERE WILL BE NO GOD DAMN CUSSING IN THIS HOUSE!”

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  13. Ruthie Queen Of All Things ProcrastinationJanuary 20, 2012 at 6:47 AM

    In response to one of my kids slipping in a cuss word, “THERE WILL BE NO GOD DAMN CUSSING IN THIS HOUSE!"

    ReplyDelete
  14. 9 year old: "Can I have....."
    Mom: The look
    9 year old, eyes rolling: "May I please have...."

    OMM, this is good manners 101! We've been doing this your whole life - should it not be automatic by now?!? Arg!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my goodness, you're telling me I'll still be begging for nice asking when they're 9?!?! (currently 3 1/2).

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  15. Turn down the music. (it goes down)... (1 minute later) turn down the music! ...(it goes down)...1 minute later TURN DOWN THE G-D- MUSIC OR I AM GOING TO SHUT IT OFF PERMANENTLY! (to which I usually get a - but "I did turn it down") and I have to explain that turning it down for 30 seconds and then turning it back up doesn't count!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm, sounds like you have teenagers.

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  16. Would you believe I frequently have to say, "Don't stand on the table until everyone is finished eating!"

    A qualifier: it is the kids' little table in the kitchen, and they are allowed to get on it to look out the window (which is too high for them), but ONLY WHEN NO ONE IS SITTING THERE EATING LUNCH!

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  17. Wow. I so thought it was just me. Or maybe half just me and half everyone. I didn't realize that so many people actually said the exact same things I do. Thank you. And I'm sorry :)

    Also -- Shut the blasted door. It's four degrees outside, I can see my breath IN THE HOUSE, and the electric bill is thirty eleven million dollars a month. SHUT THE DOOR! Don't swing it with your hip. Don't nudge it in that general direction. Shut it!

    And also -- stop leaving your shoes at the neighbors house! Did you not notice you had shoes on when you walked over there, but no shoes when you walked home? After it rained? I don't like having to go over to the neighbors house in the morning before school to collect all your shoes, coats etc because you left every piece of outerwear you own over there. It's cold and too early and I look like one of the witches out of Macbeth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually had to call several neighbors and scour the park before school one morning because we were at the point that my daughter didn't have a single pair of shoes left at my house to wear to school. And then she tells me that I'M embarrassing her!!!! UGHHH

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  18. I have started asking them, "Now, what do I usually say when you ask me that/do that/don't do that?" They will then say exactly what I have been repeating for years. They are 11 and 7 so maybe that offers a little hope that they will eventually hear you. They still don't do it, but they know they are supposed to!

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  19. (When one of the older two, 4 & 5 yrs, are pestering the 21 month old) "What does it mean if Levi cries? It means HE DOESN'T LIKE IT. LEAVE HIM ALONE!!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, I'm very familiar with that one!

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    2. I say that ALL THE TIME! "If he's crying, it means he doesn't like it!" Also, "If it hurts, don't do it again! @#%!"

      Delete
    3. I say that to our 12 year old regarding the dog. "If she's growling and showing her teeth, that means she doesn't like what you're doing and wants you to stop!" 12. Years. Old! Had a dog her entire life! When is she going to learn???

      Delete
  20. Mine are all bathroom related because at 5 you would think she's been doing it for so long now it would sink in. "Poop has to be done in the potty...all of the time," "Wipe yourself, don't just put the paper directly into the potty" and "Flush and wash, flush and wash, flush and wash......no I did not say get a book and go to the kitchen. FLUSH AND WASH!"

    I drink wine because I have to repeat these so many times a day. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LMAO! OMG! I say this ALL. THE. TIME.
      I even googled a stop sign and a toilet and put them in a word document with the word FLUSH across the middle and taped it on the wall beside the door. They STILL forget!
      I want a handy gadget that makes a siren sound when they leave the bathroom without Flushing and Washing!

      Delete
    2. Oh, yes. There should some way to set up a trigger system for a digital recording. "Oh, I see you've wiped. Now, flush the toilet. [pause] Good job! Now, wash your hands. [pause} Wash front, back and between your fingers. [pause] Good job! Don't forget to dry! [pause] Thank you for putting the stool back and turning off the light!" And, really, it would be good for those questionable adults with poor bathroom habits.

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    3. we had a little song, wipe flush wash your hands the kids still sing it but only cause they think its funny that we had a potty song.

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  21. "Put the seat down. Mommy does not like to fall in the toilet in the wee hours of the morning." and "Put your dishes in the dishwasher"

    ReplyDelete
  22. When the 3 and 4 yo whine (like nails on a chalk board) "But I WAAAAANT it":
    "Well, want a personal assistant, a personal chef, a personal trainer, a several million dollars, and an extra 24 hours day. We all want things we can't have."
    Yes, the 4 yo has been rolling her eyes at me for almost 2 years now......

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tell them, "I want a kid who doesn't whine at me."

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    2. I say that constantly to my 4 1/2 year old, lmao!

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    3. I tell them that I don't understand whining. It seems to work. The 6yo takes a breath and starts over without the whine.

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  23. "Take your shoes off FIRST, then your pants!"

    "We are not negotiating bites. Just eat your dinner."

    "Get dressed. Get dressed now. We're leaving in 10 minutes. Stop staring off into space and get dressed."

    Every. damn. day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The "get dressed" one is STILL being said to my 12 year old! "You wouldn't be able to get ready fast if your life depended on it!" :P

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  24. Please STOP touching that. It's dirty. Hands out of your trousers.
    Have you put your cream on?
    Stop squeezing the dog, she doesn't like it.
    Would you put on your shoes please?

    Exhausting.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Every d*mn night, after I've laid in the bed with my 2 girls & read 2 (or 17) chapters, I turn out the light & kiss them goodnight. Then they ask, "Mom, will you lay down with us?"
    The answer is always NO so I don't know why they keep asking. I was just lying here with you reading. If I lie down here with the lights off, I'll fall asleep & then I won't be able to do the 50,000 things I have left to do before I can actually fall asleep. I know, I know, someday soon they'll just want me to leave them alone...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We tell ours that mom and dad have some talking to do & we'll be back in to lay with them in 15 mins. They are asleep before we even "check in." Works almost every night.

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    2. My 2-year-old always wants me to "sit in the chair" (the glider/rocker that I used when nursing him as a baby) once I put him in the crib. I always tell him I have to potty or go check on his big sister. Ha!

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  26. Public restroom: "Don't touch the potty. Do not touch the potty. DO NOT TOUCH THE POTTY."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I say the exact same thing to my four year old! Every time we use the potty in a public restroom! I make her hold my hands while she gets on the potty and keep holding them till she has to wipe. She always gives me nasty looks like I'm insane....someday they will understand.

      Delete
  27. Do not do that, your 2 yr old brother is watching....LOOK now he's doing it.

    Are you back sassing me? Already its 735 am

    IT Is 9 OCLOCK GET IN THE BED BEFORE I tell your butt because your ears can't hear me.

    Because I said so and he is 16 and you are 8 that is why!!!

    Share with your brother or I will take it and eat it all

    DO NOT pick on your brother, you hate it when Cody picks on you so what makes it okay for you to pick on a 2 year old? YOur 8!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Im going to have to steal the " tell your butt because your ears cant hear me" OMG toooo funny!!!

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    2. OMG, this sounds like my house!

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  28. You could have been at my house this morning. Though, you would then have added "How do you lose a pair of snow boots?"

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  29. Take your finger out of your nose!

    No, you cannot have water/snack/go potty/read another book. Just go the f**k to sleep!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I want a copy of the "Go the F*ck to Sleep" book so badly. I swear it takes me 45 minutes to get my son down-- and that's not counting the teeth-brushing, etc.

      Delete
  30. It feels so good to know I'm not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  31. My daughter points with her middle finger. Many times a day, "which finger do we point with?" Her preschool teacher must think I'm the worst mom in the world, teaching my kid to flick everyone off at such a young age!

    Oh, and all the other ones that everyone's already said.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My daughter did the same thing, after 2 yrs of correcting we FINALLY got her to stop!!

      Delete
  32. (to the 5 & 6 yr. olds):
    *Stop sitting on your brother's head
    *close the bathroom door
    *No you can't have candy at 6 am
    *Where did you leave your mittens/boots/hat now?

    (to the 15 month old):
    *we don't climb on the table
    *sit down in the chair
    *biting mommy in the back of the leg HURTS!
    Ugh...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know how many times I've told my toddler, "It HURTS Mama when you kick her in the head!"

      Delete
  33. Oh god. If this is what parenthood looks like, maybe I'll stay on my birth control...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's even better in real life. I swear.....we can't make this stuff up.

      Delete
    2. What hasn't been said is that despite all of this it is totally worth it and we would do it again in a heartbeat.

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    3. I agree... its waaaaaaay worse in real life and even worse the more kids you have! Don't get us all wrong having kids is a blessing and its wonderful but because children are children they make you want to pull your eyes from the sockets

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    4. And it doesn't get any better with age! "Stop arguing with every. little. thing. I say!" "Shut your mouth and...!" "It's time to do your homework." "STOP FOOLING AROUND, AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!!" "No dinner till X amount of homework is done!"

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    5. Lol, and then you get the rare moments when your little terror smiles sweetly and says Mommy I love you and curls up for a quick snuggle and kiss and it's all worth it............until 30 seconds later when they do something completely stupid and you lose your schmidt AGAIN. Lol.

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    6. Sadly, when not repeating variations of all these things 50000 times a day, we somehow feel lucky to have these sweet little (or big) babies in our lives. Just proves that insanity is God's gift to all mothers

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  34. "Don't touch that"
    "Stop jumping on the furniture"
    "Don't touch that"
    "Please wear something in addition to your underwear, it's about 14 degrees out"
    "Don't touch that"
    "Yes, you have to wear shoes to school"
    "Don't touch that"
    "Eat your dinner"
    "DON'T TOUCH!!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  35. - Don't hit your brother.
    - SHARE with your brother. Yes, I don't care that you don't want to. When you have the whole box of something you're in charge of sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Me to 15 year old son "Did you brush your teeth?"
    Him "Oh I forgot"

    Every G-D day!! I mean seriously?? You have had to brush your teeth twice a day for 15 freaking years!!!! How can you forget????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crap, I'm still doing this with my 8-year-old. I guess it doesn't get any better...

      Delete
    2. i really don't know how we as adults manage to take care of ourselves...we must not grow brains until we have been physically separated from our parents for at least a week!! until then they definitely rely on us to do the thinking about the "hard" stuff for them!

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    3. How can they forget, we tell them EVERY DAY. Do they think the taste of dead animal (what I equate morning breath to) is normal?
      The only way I could get my 13yo to brush without reminding - I told him that he might get his braces off quicker if his teeth were cleaner.

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    4. Mine is 12, and her excuse is "there wasn't time." "MAKE TIME!!!"

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    5. I have to ask that of my 35 year old husband every day.

      Delete
  37. i love this !!! Here are mine:
    1. You know when you have to pee. Stop playing and go BEFORE you are all wet.
    2. We dont leave wet underpants on the floor of the bathroom!
    3. You cannot have candy at 9am.
    4. Stop wiping your boogers all over my house. There are boxes of tissues everywhere - use them.
    5. Hands out of your pants!

    And my all time favorite: Stop dancing and use the potty before you are wet - you aren't fooling anyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES!!! "Hands out of YOUR PANTS"!!!!! What is that about?!?!?! Two boys = double the hands in pants time. :/

      Delete
  38. Fingers out of your mouth.

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  39. "Aim! Aim! Why is it so hard for you to just aim?!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RIGHT!! Especially when the same boy can hit his sister with a Lego from across the playroom..I mean come on now!

      Delete
  40. " I will get you some juice in a mintue."I which leads to "If you ask for juice one more time you will get water. I said in a minute!"......I also suffer from"put.your.clothes.on. put.your.shoes.on-itis"

    ReplyDelete
  41. No, I will not make you a hot dog and mac and cheese for dinner.
    You don't need to shout in the baby's face. She's not going to answer. She's a baby.
    The dog is not a horse. No, that dog isn't either.
    Just because Dora repeats everything five times in her outside voice doesn't mean you have to, too.
    Don't touch mommy's computer. If you break it, it's on, kid.
    No, bedtime in not negotiable. And mommy is going to break the kneecaps of whoever taught you the word 'negotiable'. You're three.

    ReplyDelete
  42. ~GO TO BED!! No your not thirsty, go to bed.
    ~Get your shoes on!!!
    ~No, son I don't want to see your private... no I don't care if its big (he is 3) :/
    ~Homework, PLEASE do your homework!
    ~Who peed on the floor? AGAIN!
    ~When was the last time you showered? What do you mean you don't know?
    ~trash goes in the trash can.

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. My kids are 8 through 18 now...and the repeated orders have changed over the years.
    * Pick up your crap.
    * Don't leave your crap all over the living room floor.
    * Clean up after yourself.
    * put the dishes in the dishwasher.
    * Why are there cups in your room? Put them in the dishwasher!!!
    * Empty your hamper. Pick up your clothes and put them IN the hamper first.
    * Oh, for crying out loud, will someone PLEASE clean up your bathroom?!?

    Starting to get a little misty here, thinking about my "baby" that will be launched this summer...she's headed to college in another state, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive.

    ReplyDelete
  44. "Leave the cat alone. Leave the cat alone. Leave the cat alone." --MOM, THE CAT BIT ME!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Every.Day. Stop mauling the cat! That's why he hides from you!

      Delete
    2. same thing here, only dog.

      Delete
  45. Every night...me: Time to get ready for bed little boys! Teeth, PJ's, hands & face.
    Every night response: But do we have to go to bed? (7yr old)/Who is going to read us a book?(5yr old)
    With three boys, 5,7,11 we get the flush & wash constantly. CONSTANTLY!! And yes, if you ask them what you normally say when they...fill in the blank...90% of the time they can come right up with the answer.
    SIGH!
    Where is my wine glass???

    ReplyDelete
  46. I say about 3/4 of those things TO MY HUSBAND daily! my son however gets "Why are you crying?! I fed you, changed you, and cuddled you! What else can I do?! (FTM of a 1 month old!)

    ReplyDelete
  47. Chew with your mouth closed.
    Do you need to go to the bathroom? Then stop touching your penis, it's not a toy.
    Push your glasses up. It doesn't do any good to look over the tops of your glasses. They are on your face to help you see better.

    ReplyDelete
  48. "Stop breathing on your brother! Why do you only willingly share germs?"
    "Do you need a tissue?" (in response to constant nose picking)
    "There is no crying in Wii. If you're going to cry, we're going to turn it off."
    "No I don't know where ______ is. I am not the keeper of your things. Put it back where it goes, and maybe you'd know where to find it."
    "Did you do your homework? Let me SEE it."
    "YES you have to wear a coat. It's WINTER."

    ReplyDelete
  49. Oh, and I forgot:
    Go use the potty. Ok, go TRY to use the potty. (said every time we're getting ready to go somewhere)
    Then about a half mile into the trip-
    Why didn't you use the potty before we left!?!

    ReplyDelete
  50. When ever I have one of those "please don't put batteries up your nose" kind of statements I include "add that to the other STUPID things I shouldn't have to say outloud EVERY DAY".

    My kids just watched 'Bill Cosby Himself" a few months ago. They all started laughing and pointing at me and saying "that sounds just like you mom!" Like it was ME that had brain damage. So I said, yeah, doesn't it sound pathetic? This man is very weathy because he can make it sound funny and I just want to punch one of you! So now even the kids will say things like "BRAIN DAMAGE!" when someone does something less than stellar. Or when I tell them to take showers they come back with 'yeah, we know 'please use soap'...it has actually made my kids understand me better. LOL

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  51. Please finish your breakfast.
    Come on, please eat
    All right, you're running out of time, EAT
    L! EAT ALREADY!
    @!#%^ EAT! You're going to be late!
    That's it, time's up....be hungry at school!

    Teeth, brush em!
    Holding the toothbrush in your mouth, but not moving it is NOT brushing!
    Take your vitamins

    EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!!! I hate mornings!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, I do too...sounds just like my house, only I have to add getting dressed to the list.

      Delete
    2. This is my 3-yr old. She will spend 20 minutes staring at her breakfast, declare she's not hungry, then 10 minutes down the road she's STARVING!!!!!! Yeah, I'm a Meals-On-Wheels, sweetheart.

      If I could just leave the house every morning and let them fend for themselves (3-yr old, 5-yr old, 42-yr old) my life would be so much less stressful.

      Delete
    3. Sounds like my house, too, but add pretty much everything that has to take place in the morning: "Make your bed." "Comb your hair." And she's 12. Years. Old!

      Delete
  52. 1. Life is not fair and neither is Mommy. Deal.
    2. Where are your shoes? Where are your shoes? Where are your shoes?
    3. I am not doing your wash until you straighten your room. I don't care if you don't have underwear, jammies or socks. I can't wash what's not in the hamper.
    4. Gentle!!!!
    5. Be careful!!!
    6. Get your hands out of there!
    7. Stop banging!
    8. Do you want a little cheese with that whine?

    ReplyDelete
  53. Don't eat boogers!!
    The cat doesn't like it when you do that (although this one is self-correcting after the cat swipes them a couple of times).
    Chocolate is not a breakfast food.
    Sit your butt down and stop dancing around when you are eating dinner.
    Do not dunk your fingers in your water glass.
    WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

    ReplyDelete
  54. If you're old enough to fart on command you're old enough to HOLD THAT IN, at least long enough to get the hell off my lap!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Urgh, my 7 year old does that all the time... boys are gross :(

      Delete
  55. My mother use to say " I should just put it on a tape recorder and replay it all the time I repeat myself so much " Now I say the.same.thing.
    to the 12 year old (12 REALLY!?!?!)
    after bathroom..
    didyouflushthetoiletwashyourhandsturnthelightoff
    and then he gives *the sigh* rolls his eyes and goes back to do what should be done. (yes it is all one sentance cause I have said for a million times already)
    to both boys (9 and 12) every day
    didyoubrushyourteethcombyourhairwashyourface,yourears,putdeodarenton
    yes all in one sentence
    and then they have the gall to ask why I have to tell them everyday to do this stuff..really??? I don't know, you tell me...WHY??

    ReplyDelete
  56. My 4 year old daughter and my 7 month old son love each other. Really. If she has his attention I have no chance in getting it. But we have some Bubby related rules...
    "Let Bubby play with his toys please."
    "Bubby can't do that yet."
    "Bubby doesn't chew yet."
    "DON'T FEED BUBBY RAISINS!"
    "You don't have to scream the song at Bubby. He can hear you just fine."
    When we are out and about her hands belong on the stroller/cart
    "Hands! Where do your hands go?"
    She is constantly in my kitchen. I don't know why... but it is never good.
    "Why are you in my kitchen? Out. Now."
    She feels the need to strip in order to go potty. She can put everything back on, unless it is twisted together all weird like, but frequently brings it to me.
    "You are suppose to put these back on in the bathroom. Take them to the bathroom and put them on. No I am not coming with you. You can do it. You are a big girl."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Consider teaching your 4yo to cook if she's in the kitchen all the time! I started teaching mine to cook as soon as they could walk [1yo] and now that they are older, they often cook dinner on nights I am sick or tired - it pays off! :)

      Delete
  57. For. The. Love. So my kids aren't the only ones with selective hearing?!?!

    "Stop picking your nose." (I mean, really. All the time. Like he's mining for gold.)

    "Get your hands out of your pants." (Last week I threatened to feed it to the geese outside when it fell off from the over-fondling.)

    "Get off your sister." See also: "Stop harassing your brother." (She complains when he's all up on her, yet when he's been playing quietly by himself for 5 minutes she feels the need to take his car away or poke him in the ribs or throw a blanket over his head. WHY?)

    "No, you can't play a game on my phone. I said no. I said...you know what? Give me the damn phone."

    "Stop sitting on the cat."

    "Shh...I'm on the phone. Whisper! Shhh...I'm on the...I'm sorry, hold on just a sec. I'M ON THE PHONE. BE QUIET OR ELSE!" (And it's never when I'm on the phone with my mom or a friend--just when it's a doctor or the school or someone vaguely important.)

    "No, you cannot have a SNACK at 5 p.m. What do you think I'm doing in the kitchen?"

    "Stop running in the house!"

    Drives me insane. IN.SANE.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's awesome. The pants, game(pics)on the phone, & quiet on the phone. I'm absolutely amazed I'm not rocking myself in the corner, blowing raspberries.

      Delete
  58. Yes! especially to the go to the potty before you have an accident ones and my own personal favorite: "your tounge is not a napkin!!" Drives. Me. Crazy.

    ReplyDelete
  59. "Mommy is. in. the. bathroom!" (Why is it that my neighbors can hear me say this, but my own kids can't?)
    "Please don't sing at the table." (Really, why should anyone have to say this every. single. day.? I'll tell you why, ASD, that's why).

    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2011/11/day-in-life.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I SO appreciate this! My two are polar opposites - Hypo & Hypersensitive. Thank goodness I'm A.D.D. or I'd probably lose my schmit.

      Delete
  60. "Don't touch your brother's food!"
    "I would like privacy in the bathroom! Go out, now!"
    "Bedtime is not play time. No, we are not playing hide-n-seek right now! Do I like fooling around at bedtime?!?"
    "Don't pick your nose and for God's sake, don't eat it!"

    ReplyDelete
  61. ...oh I forgot 1...( to the 9 year old) put your coat, hat, gloves on it is 12 degrees outside..no a sweatshirt and baseball cap are not a coat and hat in the winter..SHEESH ! every freakin' morning before school

    ReplyDelete
  62. My 7 year old daughter is very intelligent (seriously off the scales) and I always think of Einstein and how he forgot to eat. These are my daily rants!!
    1)Does this belong here? Please put it away.
    2)You lost your gloves again?
    3)Did you go to the bathroom BEFORE you got in bed? No? Go now!
    4)No candy (cookies, cake, etc.) before lunchtime. Did you seriously just ask me again???!!!
    5)Leave the cat/dog alone. They don't like to wear clothes!
    6)Furniture is for your butt not your feet - stop jumping/walking/crossing over/etc - the chair/couch/table/etc!!
    7)Did you change your underwear this morning? (I swear, she went 4 days once when I told myself she could remember on her own!)
    8)And at school, I literally have to walk her through getting into her class - take your backpack off before your jacket, homework goes into the class with you, take your boots off, don't forget your lunch, and many more.
    Someone at her school told me that forgetfulness is a sign of extreme intelligence and in her case, it definitely fits!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh my! this is right up my 4 year old daughters alley! she never changes her underwear! one weekend we stayed home the whole weekend, she changed clothes but by sunday I realized even though she had clean underwear, after baths she put the old ones back on. all bc they were dora! now when i get her clothes out, there is underwear. I dont have to say anything. She knows the rules, because dora went on a magical trip to the dump after that . its mean but drove my point home. plus they were already too small

      Delete
  63. Stop aggravating your brother!!!
    THIS is the shred pile!Don't go shredding paper all willynilly! (b/c I'm stoopid and taught my kids the fun of shredding)
    Did you get my permission to get into the fridge?

    ReplyDelete
  64. Finger picking is a frequent one at our home, except, the 3 year old needed to also be told "Do not eat your boogers!" We've finally kicked the habit and now are working on "Pick your nose in the bathroom and wash in the sink."
    Also driving me to yell after hours of restrain:
    *"Put on your shoes," usually after the 45th repetition and as we're running late for a bus.
    *"Hands to yourself," especially when we're in stores. A certain furniture store in Istanbul has her tooth work saved on every piece of fake food in the kitchen display.
    Oh dang it, she's sleeping and I'm not going to remind myself of all the things I'm repeating when she's awake when I don't have to.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Don't jump on the couch, don't climb on the counter, get your hand out of your pants or I will buy you overalls.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Mine are 12 and 16 and EVERY SINGLE DAY we still have to say (repeatedly), "Don't touch your sister!" "Keep your hands to yourself!"

    ReplyDelete
  67. What? We're you born in a barn? Close the freakin door!! I'm not trying to heat the neighborhood.

    I.didn't.do.it, does not live here nor has he ever visited ( this usually after I ask who did then and both of them at the same time say I didn't do it. )

    Because I'm the mom and I said so

    "hello did you just hear me, I said ____, now go do it. Do Not just sit there and look at me like I'm an Alien that speaks another language and has green tenticles growing outta my head. Just.do.it!!!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  68. Sadly, my kids are 9 and almost 13--and I am still saying these!
    "When I tell you to brush your teeth, it's so you can get all the crap off it. Go do it again."
    "Why are there socks everywhere?"
    "Do you have school tomorrow? Why didn't you put all your stuff back in your school bag?"
    "Practice your violin. Yes, that means playing the piece for the recital correctly, not just zipping through it with 80 zillion wrong notes and saying you're done."
    The list goes on and on.

    ReplyDelete
  69. hate to break every one of your little wishful hearts. it never changes! it never stops!! my boys are 18, 16.5 and 11.5...and every DAY- Brush your ROTTEN teeth. Pick up your WET towel, and quit using 35million towels a WEEK! QUIT FIGHTING/PICKING on each other, NO EATING in your room/living/den...and I solved the sock all over the house problem REAL quick. I started picking them up if I saw them on the floor and promptly put them IN the trash can. That one actually worked!! HALLELUJAH!! no.more.dirty.socks.on.the.floor!! then there is the dirty dishes all over the counter, the skateboards in the middle of the floor...OH! and Bedtime is the SAME TIME EVERY STINKIN FREAKIN NIGHT!!! I should not have to tuck in grown men and/or wake you up in the morning because you are incapable of hearing your alarm clock blaring that I can hear from my room, ACROSS THE HOUSE!!! Lordy. nope. it never changes!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear ya! As much as I would LOVE for things to change, I don't think they are going to until she moves out (in 10 years)!

      Delete
  70. When changing diapers: "This would go a lot more quickly if you didn't fight it!"
    "This wouldn't be so unpleasant if you didn't fight it!"
    "Do you think I *want* to be touching your poop!? Don't you think you should be nice to me since I am!?"

    LOL

    ReplyDelete
  71. When he's whiney "I don't understand whine"
    When he wants something he can't have "give me a million dollars and we'll talk about it"
    When presents are left for me in the bathroom - "EWWW! D, GET IN HERE!" and when he arrives soft-scary mommy's pissed voice "did you forget something?"
    when something is where it shouldn't be *points at ___* "where does this belong?" or "does this belong here?"
    when food it outside the kitchen/dining room "where is food supposed to be?"
    "if your too full to finish your dinner then your obviously too full for desert" (though he's getting smart on this one and says "No mommy, I'm saving room..." :)
    at bedtime ""vitimins, flosser..."

    ReplyDelete
  72. "Where are you clothes?/Why are you naked?" (To the five year old boy) "YES, you must take a bath today" (To the two year old boy) "NO, you do not need to take ANOTHER bath today." "Leave the cat alone. She does not like "hugs"." (To the five year old boy) "Yes, you have to sleep in your bed. No, you cannot sleep with Sissy (10 year old girl)." <== The rule is during the week, in his bed. One night on the weekend, Sissy's room, but EVERY night it is a fight!

    There are so many more...

    ReplyDelete
  73. GO TO BED... Every night for two hours, GO TO BED! I can be sitting right next to them, at the computer... GO TO BED... Same thing in the morning when they wake up at the ass crack of dawn... GO TO BED!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  74. I got so tired of repeating "hang up your jacket and backpack, in the cubbie" that I now throw the stuff out on the front lawn if it's on the floor. Works like a charm!

    ReplyDelete
  75. Every freaking day, I end up yelling, "Why are you naked?" to my 3 year old daughter. No, wearing your princess necklace and crown does NOT count as being dressed!

    ReplyDelete
  76. I don't want to yell but when I asked 4 times using my regular voice you didn't pay any attention to me! You only answer when I yell!
    and
    Please leave the dog in peace, he's trying to take a nap! Yes, you love him too much!

    ReplyDelete
  77. Parent: Do you the long answer or the short answer to that?
    Child: Long.
    Parent: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
    CHild: Short.
    Parent: No

    ReplyDelete
  78. We had a Flushing Party. "Come on! Let's all see who knows how to flush! LOOK! Everyone can do it! Who can do it fastest? Who can do it without looking? Who can sing a song while they flush?" My water bill was terrible, but I was desperate to drive the point home. Flushing Isn't Just For Grownups. (No. It didn't work.)

    ReplyDelete
  79. Take you hands out of your pants!
    Take your finger out of your nose---ewww don't eat it!
    Get off your brother!
    Sit on your bum
    Eat your dinner!
    Don't throw things down the stairs! I don't care if M started it, both of you STOP!

    ReplyDelete
  80. Don't put your toothbrush on your sister's butt!
    Don't spit in your sister's drink.
    Let go of your sister, she is not a football.
    Honestly, you will have to sleep sometime... Your sister will get you back.

    They really do love each other, I promise!

    ReplyDelete
  81. Close the door.
    Dinner is not a negotiation. Besides, I don't negotiate with terrorists.
    CLOSE the door. You opened it, you CLOSE it. I can provide you with a training video if you like.
    Where do we touch ourselves? Yes, that's right. In our room, by ourselves. (Two boys. 17 and 10)
    No, you may not drive. I don't care if you are 13 and taller than me (said on an almost daily basis).
    Close the DAMN DOOR.
    What is your fascination with public restrooms? They are gross?!?
    Wash your hands BEFORE you eat.
    For the love of all that is holy, am I the ONLY person in this house that can CLOSE THE DOOR??

    ReplyDelete
  82. No....you don't get a potty treat for peeing on the floor.

    ReplyDelete
  83. Finger out of your nose. Finger out of your nose. Finger out of your nose. What did you just put in your mouth. You are grossing me out. Finger out of your nose. (verse repeated at 5 minute intervals ALL DAY LONG!)

    ReplyDelete
  84. Bring me all your laundry. All.Of.It. (16 and 12 yo)
    Lay down and I'll change your diaper. (SN son)
    Don't scream. Say "Happy." (SN son)
    Take care of your backpack. (12 yo)
    Go eat. (16 and 12 yo)
    Go shower. (12 yo)

    ReplyDelete
  85. My son is only a year, and I already feel like a broken record.
    Here is what he does and I say every fricking day.

    Him: Goes by the baby gate.
    Me: No. (looks startled that he was caught)
    Him: Goes by the baby gate. (AGAIN after I put him back by his toys)
    Me: No don't touch (touches it and looks back with a sly smile)
    Him: Baby gate again, thus time shakes it.
    Me: Mommy said no, you'll get hurt.
    Him: Hits baby gate over and over and over. By now I have just given up, and he has to learn why I said no in the first place...right?
    Baby gate falls over, makes a huge BANG. Baby looks at me and starts to cry.
    Me: See, what did I tell you.

    If this is just the start of it, tell me why I want a second child?

    ReplyDelete
  86. OMG if I have to say "Pick up the Lego's from the floor!" one more time...!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was just thinking EXACTLY this! I used to tell them that any Legos left on the floor would be sucked up by the vacuum cleaner after they went to bed. When that threat didn't get the job done, I let them watch me vacuum and they became intimately acquainted with the distinctive sound a Lego makes when being hoovered. After hearing that sound enough times.....problem solved!

      Delete
  87. The ones that drive me to the wine at the end of the day involve TV time:
    "Move on... stop rewinding" (He watches the same 7-14 secs over & over & over)
    "Back Up"
    "Find your spot"

    "First...Then..." Anyone living with ASD will appreciate that one
    "Hands by your sides"
    "Teeth are for eating"
    "Feet on the floor"
    "You can SIT on the couch or JUMP on the floor"
    "Too loud"
    "Show me nice sitting, ...eating, ...talking, ...walking"

    ReplyDelete
  88. Finger out of your nose
    Use your words
    Stop freaking out

    ReplyDelete
  89. Where did this poop come from? Why is it on your foot, hand, clothes, floor...?
    Stop fighting!
    Stop yelling!
    Why did you guys take all your clothes out of the closet and put them in the toy box?
    Where the frick are the toys?
    Please stop shaking your willy at your sisters.
    Boogers don't go on the wall.
    For the love of Maude, STOP RUNNING IN THE G*DDAMN HOUSE! (Why I have to say this after multiple concussions and one knocked out tooth is beyond my ability to comprehend)

    ReplyDelete
  90. I have two boys, 2 & 3...and I'm a SAHM:
    *STOP climbing the baby gate/fence! It's there because you're NOT supposed to be back there!
    *NO, you can't jump off the slide!
    *GET OFF YOUR BROTHER'S HEAD!
    *STOP WHINING!

    I've quit asking my 3yo IF he wants to go potty, I just tell him to go pee. And I think we've finally...maybe?1?!...crossed the threshold of pooping on the potty instead of the nap/bedtime diapers. Continuing on with the 2yo...

    Going somewhere:
    Go get your socks and shoes on. Where are your socks? Why are you standing on the potty? You don't need a drink; I have water for you! Get your jacket on! Why'd you take your shoes off? JACKET AND SHOES! Get in the van...

    Coming home:
    Jacket and shoes off. JACKET AND SHOES! No, you don't go jump on Mommy's bed with your shoes on! NO! Don't take your shoes off and jump on Mommy's bed! Put your shoes away!

    Ah, I love my kids! (just sometimes wish what is so oft-repeated would at some point--soon--start to sink in!)

    ReplyDelete
  91. Take your hand out of your diaper.
    Take your hand out of your diaper.
    Take your hand out of your diaper.
    Oh! No! No! No! Please do not put your hand on my face!
    AND FUNNY ENOUGH...by 'captcha' word is: ballsy!

    ReplyDelete
  92. "we do not lick our sisters" Pretty awesome. My hubby and I say it now for any annoying thing the girls do.

    ReplyDelete
  93. "Stop putting your fingers in your mouth..."
    "Are you sure you didn't just poop in your pull up"
    "Pants aren't optional"
    "Pyjama Day is a special day at school, not every day"
    "You're a big girl, you don't need that sucky (pacifier)"
    "The dog is not a chair"
    "daddy doesn't really want you to watch him pee"
    "sucking the toothpaste off the toothbrush is not the same as brushing your teeth"
    "Brushing your hair is not negotiable"
    "DON'T TOUCH THE STOVE, IT'S HOT!!!"
    "barbie does NOT need to take a bath in the toilet...dog's water dish...potty etc..."
    "It's just a shower head, it's not a monster. Yes you still have to take a bath."
    "Running your hands under the cold water is not the same as washing your hands..."

    I could go on and on...and I only have one and she's three!

    ReplyDelete
  94. to my 5 year old - Go to the bathroom. GO TO THE BATHROOM! I see you doing the pee dance, go pee!!

    or, in case I missed the pee dance:

    Did you pee in your pants? Seriously? Peeing in your pants is DISGUSTING, not cute. STOP PEEING IN YOUR PANTS! The bathroom is 3 feet away from you! USE IT!!

    what is with older boys and having no personal hygiene? My 10 yo would love it if I never made him brush his teeth or take a shower. He proclaimed that if he was a hobo he wouldn't have to, to which I promptly replied, "If you were a hobo, you wouldn't live here, you'd live under a bridge"

    My personal favorite, which is spoken at least every other day: I'm still speaking English, right? I'm not suddenly speaking French or Spanish or something am I? Ok, then DO.IT.NOW.

    ReplyDelete
  95. to my 2 1/2 yr old every day, 50 gabillion times: take that out of your mouth, we dont put that in our mouth, let me see whats in your mouth , stop eating that- its not food! THEN when we are actually eating food: please take another bite! please finish ANYTHING on your plate! Stop eating the napkin!!! ..... I might lose my mind!

    ReplyDelete
  96. "Please stop picking your nose and eating it. That is what a Kleenex is for."

    ReplyDelete
  97. NAILED IT. I say everyfurking thing y'all have listed but I have the awful habit of saying "Holy Mother of GOD did you not hear me when I said _______?" when I've repeated myself more than three times. I had no idea how much I despise hearing myself repeat things until I had kids. That's going to come back and bite me in the ass someday for sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funny how most times I have to repeat everything to my husband. I mean come on! He must like the nagging tone in my voice. Lord knows I don't!

      Delete
  98. Don't take your shoes and socks off in the car!!! Mommy has to put them back on when we get there
    Yes honey I'll get you some juice in a minute...In a minute...IN A MINUTE!!!
    Please don't do that/say that/break that/Hit me/Kick me.
    Cover your mouth when you sneeze, Don't pick your nose, Don't EAT THAT!!!
    No you didn't poop you just farted
    Mommy whatcha doing? Breathing, Sighing, Surviving
    Please brush don't just chew on it
    No I don't want to watch...Again!
    It's bedtime not giggle time and I just read you 3 books.
    No I don't want to lay down with you...ZZZZ...Crap!

    ReplyDelete
  99. Wash your hair!
    No, when washing just one arm and belly is not clean.
    If i see toothpaste in the sink it does not mean your teeth are clean.
    no you can not hace a snack right before dinner.
    no you can not play your DSi at breakfast, you leave in 10 minutes.
    get dressed! oh your cold? get dressed then!
    oh and my new favorite since it started snowing - (while sledding) move over... move over, there are other children waiting for a turn. and no walking in the middle of the "track" does not mean thats your "space"
    sit down, get your seat belt on
    AND LAST
    QUIT Putting your hands in your pants at the table. we are running out of Purel.

    ReplyDelete
  100. "You have to TURN the door knob." Every day, every door. Whip-smart 7 year-olds, but I don't think they've ever opened a door on the first try.

    ReplyDelete
  101. Did you wash your hands?, Did everyone go to the bathroom before we leave?Use your voice not your hands to tell someone they made you mad!No you cannot have a treat before breakfast. Drink your milk or it will be milk city from here on out!What part of the english language do you not understand about..( fill in the blank)!

    ReplyDelete
  102. 9 and 14 are totally me! Really, where do all the gloves go?? Ditto for socks. I am also CONSTANTLY saying "Hurry Up!" or some variation such as "Let's Go", kids have absolutely no sense of urgency!

    With each time I have to repeat myself, my voice gets louder until they say, "Why are you yelling, Mom?" To which I reply, "I wouldn't have to yell if you would listen to me the first time".

    ReplyDelete
  103. I have two kids, a 10 year-old girl, and a 13 year-old bottomless pit of a son- Can you guess which child I'm talking to?

    Tell me you did NOT just do that...
    Clear off the table of all things that DO NOT BELONG on the table- yes, Daddy's power tools count- and make sure THIS time you cover the butter before the cats lick it.
    Who left the bread out?? The cats got to it AGAIN!
    Who ate both loaves of bread I just bought??
    What do you mean, you're done eating? I just sat down!
    Who ate my chocolate?!?
    (as I open the door to a certain child's room, the miasma of unadulterated 'boy funk' permeates the air and the wallpaper begins to peel) Dear Lord- get a shower before I pass out- and put your dirty clothes in the laundry!
    Put the cat down!
    Put the cat DOWN!
    Will you put that cat DOWN before he claws your face off? That noise he's making ISN'T a purr!
    Mommy needs a big glass of water please....

    ReplyDelete
  104. We run the age gauntlet...2-16. My day sounds like this:
    Take the garbage out
    Do your chores
    Stop riding the dog like a horse
    No...you can't have soda
    I cook it, you eat it
    Yes, if you're not dying, you've going to school
    Homework
    If I can hear the music coming out of the head phones...it's too loud
    Put your shoes/socks/pants/clothes back on
    If you're hungry have some fruit
    Really, are you freaking kidding me
    Yes, you need to shower EVERYDAY
    Stop jumping off the stairs/ couch/ top bunk/ counter
    Yes, I do love you (no, you can't go to the scary tweeker house)
    You need it tomorrow?!?! ( Usually 3 seconds before bed)
    Go to sleep. Stop talking/ jumping/ getting up
    Yes...you have to read
    No, you can't sit up front until you're this tall

    I know there are so much more.

    Can you tell I have boys?

    ReplyDelete
  105. Stop licking the window. (to the 3 year old)
    Stop licking your baby sister. (to the 7 yr old)
    Stop licking your sister's eyeball. (to the 10 year old)

    ReplyDelete
  106. To my 5 year old:
    NO you may not have curly noodles (ramen) for breakfast
    Dessert is for when you finish your dinner, you do not get a reward for finishing breakfast and dinner
    Turn your light off when you're done in your room
    Close the bathroom door
    You have to wipe, EVERY SINGLE TIME
    Don't eat that snow
    Stop trying to strangle the baby

    To my 2 year old
    Stop sitting on your sister
    Take that train out of your mouth
    Don't you dare touch that tv!
    Get your hand out of your diaper!

    ReplyDelete
  107. I maintain a list of Things I Should Not Have to Say.

    Lately, "do not poke the dog poop with a baseball bat" has gone on that list.

    ::headdesk::

    ReplyDelete
  108. MOM--Who pooted?????? 3 KIDS--"She did it"..."No, I didn't...you did". "No, it was him." "I did not" (commence crying...).

    3 KIDS--"That's not fair." MOM--"Life's not fair...the sooner you learn that, the better."

    MOM--"It's 5 o'clock somewhere"

    ReplyDelete
  109. When the 4 and 5 yo declare that they are "starving to death" and I tell them, "have a glass of water" and they say "NO!!! Im hungry!", to which I respond(always in the calm Gwyneth voice, because I am awesome and never yell at my precious angels), "Go eat an apple/bananna/orangeor whatever fruit I paid a lung for you to ignore". NO!!! I want a cookie. I generally respond "Yes, I want a cookie too...why don't you go bake some."
    I know. Too many words, they don't hear me. Just eat the freakin apple. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  110. Thank you for my morning laugh and dose of I'm-not-alone-in-losing-my-schmidt! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  111. SO FUNNY! I love all of these about putting on more clothes. I sent my 10 yo to put on more clothes to help me bring in the goceries. He came out with an army helmet and flipflops as his "More clothes" Seriously?!

    ReplyDelete
  112. My son has this charming habit of asking me the same question fifty billion times, in the hopes that eventually, the answer will be something he wants to hear. So, I finally lose my freaking mind and end up shrieking, "I said NO! It doesn't matter how many times you ask, the answer will still be NO! Why do you do this? You know it just pisses Mommy off! Do you like it when I get mad?!? Do you like it when I yell?!? No? Well then explain to me why, for the love of all that is holy, we have this same damn conversation several times EVERY. SINGLE. EFFING. DAY."

    Also:
    -Pick up your toys, please. I said please pick up your toys. Stop building with the Legos, and pick up your toys like I asked you. Hey! I asked you to pick these up an hour ago! Do it now! SO HELP ME GOD, IF YOU DON'T PICK UP THESE GODDAMNED TOYS RIGHT THIS SECOND, THEY ARE ALL GOING INTO THE GARBAGE!!

    -No, I will not go with you to the bathroom/your bedroom/the garage. Why? Because Mommy can't stop what she's doing every 5 minutes to follow His Majesty all over the house.

    -Stop messing with the dog. He doesn't like that, son... knock it off. Aidan, he is not a stuffed animal; he has feelings! Stop doing that to him, or you're going to get nipped. Oh, he got ya, huh? Yeah, I know... I don't know why he would do that, either.

    -Please don't put your penis on my arm.

    -#6 on the original list. About 20 times a day.

    -Licorice is not an acceptable breakfast food.

    -Stop making that noise!

    -Stop screaming!

    -Don't eat your boogers!

    -Don't feed the dog!

    And people wonder why we have so many empty beer bottles in the garage...

    ReplyDelete
  113. Get your hand out of your mouth
    Don't lick the grocery cart
    It looks like you have a fever

    (those are related and yes, I say them way too often!)

    ReplyDelete
  114. To the boys: "It's a penis, not a handle, LET IT GO!!"
    To the baby: "Don't tickle yourself when you are getting a diaper change, there's poop EVERYWHERE!!"
    To the littles: " Just becasue my butt has finally hit the chair doesn't mean I want you in my lap!"

    ReplyDelete
  115. Haven't you guys seen/heard The Mom Song?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxT5NwQUtVM

    Sometimes I just play this really, really, loud!

    ReplyDelete
  116. Oh my goodness. My list varies depending on the time of day. Mornings are the absolute worst.
    In the morning:
    1. Stop playing and finish eating.
    2. Leave your brother/sister alone and finish eating.
    3. It does not take you 10 minutes to poop. Go finish eating.
    4. You've taken too much time, you're through eating.
    5. Get your shoes and get in the car.
    6. Get your shoes and get in the car.
    This continues till we're late for school.

    Then in the afternoon my parrot imitation begins with:
    1. Put your coat where it belongs.
    2. Put your shoes in the box.
    3. Get your homework done.
    4. Get your homework done.
    5. Get in here and do your homework!

    Then, at bed time:
    1. Get in your bed. Your own bed. Not my bed, not your sister/brother's bed. YOUR OWN BED.
    2. You've already had water, get in bed.
    3. Close your mouths, close your eyes, and go to sleep.
    4. Go to sleep. No, go to sleep. No more talking. Go to sleep.
    5. Go to sleep.

    And, no matter what the time of day, there's the constant and never-ending:
    Wipe! Flush! Wash!
    Wipe! Flush! Wash!
    WIPE! FLUSH! WASH! Not any one of those things is negotiable! DO! THEM! ALL!

    ReplyDelete
  117. "If I have to come up there to work out your problem (sharing related usually) you WILL NOT like the way I solve it!"

    "I will be checking your rooms/bathroom when you go to school to see if you actually cleaned them up. And I will have a garbage bag."

    ReplyDelete
  118. Mommy is not a napkin.
    Who makes the rules? (3 yo replies, "not me....:("
    Is it yours? Then don't touch it.
    How do we ask?
    Breathe. I can't understand you when you whine.
    Better call the WAAAHHH-mbulance.
    You can't always get what you want. (sung, of course!)
    Did you wipe? Did you flush? Wash your hands.

    ReplyDelete
  119. Use your words. I don't understand whining or moaning.
    No means no!
    Push your chair in.
    Do not touch momma's coffee cup!
    We do not talk about poop, pee, or body parts at the kitchen table.
    Keep your food on your plate/bowl and don't throw it on the floor/dogs/table.
    Stop chasing the freaking dogs!!!
    Stop jumping on your brother.
    Share (insert whatever item of choice that's currently the coolest/best/most awesome thing in our house...usually doesn't end up being the expensive Christmas present but instead is the cardboard box they pilfered from the neighbor's garbage).

    ReplyDelete
  120. Stop running.
    Stop stomping.
    Walk! (I run a summer camp, by the time I've said it eleventy bajillion times at work, I have low tolerance for having to say it at home.)

    Also: Where are your shoes? Every. f'ing. morning.

    ReplyDelete
  121. "It's winter, put your coat on when you step out the door. Every. Time." "Go to the bathroom. If I can see you do the potty dance, you have to go; why would you argue?" "It was bedtime half an hour ago; why are you out of your room AGAIN?!" "Could you please wait for me to answer your question before you ask it another 6 times?"

    ReplyDelete
  122. "get your hands out of your pants when you're with other people. if you need to touch what's in there so badly, go to your room"
    "people. room. hands out of pants."
    "I am sitting right next to you, get your hands out of your pants!"

    I have 2 sons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Funny thing is I have to say the same thing to my husband. Honestly what is so great about just touching it for no reason at all. Men are so part monkey.

      I see my future battle, now that my 1 year old just found his. Too bad for me he touches it when I change him. Poop fingers!

      Delete
  123. Also, "What do you mean I didn't tell you to wash your hair? What do you think you were in the shower for?"

    ReplyDelete
  124. I only have 1 child. Thank the good Lord in Heaven. I got fixed on November 29, 2011. One of the proudest days of my life. She has ADHD/ODD and well a heck of a lot of other things going on that can't be figured.

    Yes you have to read your A/R book, No you may not just read 1 chapter of your A/R book. Why are you crying. Suck it up and be a big kid. If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about. Eat. Your. Dinner. No you may not get up until everyone is finished eating. Why didn't you go to the potty? Go. Potty. Now. How many times have you pee'd yourself today? Why are you peeing yourself? Your 8 you should know when you have to pee. Did you take your afternoon pill? Why are you arguing with me? Why are you yelling at me? Every freaking day, and on Wednesdays its Yes I know what day it is but they changed the time of Ghost Hunters and it doesn't come on till 8 and 8 is your bed time.

    ReplyDelete
  125. 1 -- You have a little hose. Hitting the potty should be easy.
    2 -- One screen at a time.
    3 -- Is the TV below (volume) 20?
    4 -- Because I am the meanest mom in town. Now just do what I asked.
    5 -- Don't really need to see your butt. Thanks, though.

    ReplyDelete
  126. "There is a REASON I give you a fork and (sometimes) spoon with your dinner. PLEASE USE THEM INSTEAD OF EATING WITH YOUR HANDS (PAWS?) LIKE WILD ANIMALS."

    (kids are ~3.5 and 2 years old, and drive me bat-$hit crazy when they eat like wild animals)

    ReplyDelete
  127. Hmmmm..... the list is so long

    Get dressed for school. Now. Yes, you need new underwear. No, you are not staying. Get dressed for school!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Please let the dog out (or feed the dog). I don't care whose turn it is. I asked you to do it.

    Eat your dinner and do your homework. Eat your dinner and do your homework. Eat your dinner and do your homework. Eat your dinner and do your homework. Eat your dinner and do your homework. I don't care if you don't like the noodles/chicken/insert non-veggie food here. Drown it in ketchup or cayenne pepper for all I care. Eat your dinner and do your homework.

    Put your dishes in the dishwasher not the sink. -- The dishwasher is closer than the sink- why is this so hard for my children (and my husband and FIL) to grasp???

    Be nice to your brother. Don't hurt you brother. Share with your brother.

    I am sure there are 5333 more things I could list but they are now almost always followed with - because we all get there eventually- "Because I said so" or "Life Isn't Fair- get used to it"

    ReplyDelete
  128. -Please don't get out of bed again unless you are bleeding or sick.
    -I don't want to know everything your brother does.
    -Did you use soap? No? Then it doesn't count.
    -It's impossible that you'd be clean that fast, you just got in there.
    -I'm the boss, I know what Daddy said.
    -You don't have to sing for your dinner, hush it up!

    ReplyDelete
  129. I have to tell my husband 1, 6, 9, 10, and 14. None to my daughter, but she's only 4.5 months old so there's still time.

    ReplyDelete
  130. 1: Leave. Your. Brother. ALONE!!!!!!
    2: For the love of all things holy, quit playing in the water in the house!!
    3: I SAID LEAVE YOUR BROTHER ALONE!!!
    4: Do NOT change the setting on the heater! Do you LIKE being cold? No? Then leaveitaloneanddonttouchit!
    5: That's it! One of you must go play in another room since y'all can't quit picking on each other!

    ReplyDelete
  131. "We are NOT discussing number of bites. Eat it until there is none left or be done and go to bed."
    "Put your shoes away...in the closet...where shoes have gone since BEFORE you were BORN!"
    "Close the bathroom door. The dog drinks from the toilet then she will lick my face. CLOSE THE DOOR!"
    "Why are there shoes on the hall floor?"
    "When you put your fingers in the Dog's mouth, she WILL bite you!"
    "PICK UP THESE DAMN SHOES!!!!!"

    ReplyDelete
  132. 1. No, you may not ride the dog.
    2. We just watched yesterday and the day before and the day before that.
    3. Don't eat that.
    4. Fingers out of your
    5. You only have to ask once. You only have to ask once. You only have to ask once. You only have to ask once. You only have to ask once. You only have to ask once. You only have to ask once.

    ReplyDelete
  133. SWEETHEART, I'm so sorry that you have the stupidest mother on the face of the earth.
    Many a day goes by and I carry the cute baby picture around just so I don't forget that one day the hormonal teenager might be cute again.

    ReplyDelete
  134. I still have to tell my 19 year old to shut the door, every single day!

    ReplyDelete
  135. Wow! I thought I was the only one who ever yelled #13. This morning my son woke his sister up with a "sensue bean". It was a fart. And we all paid the price.

    ReplyDelete

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