Friday, January 20, 2012

Things I Never Want To Say Again Because I Am Always F**king Saying Them

I love my kids so much but I swear to Maude, I have to tell them the same schmidt about twenty times a day and I'm about to freak the freak out. Would you like an example? Here we go. I don't want to say "Please pick up your coats and shoes" anymore. In fact, if I say it again - my right eyeball will start throbbing and then it will explode.

But if I don't say those words then every, single time we all come in the house, there would be a huge pile of outerwear, backpacks and boots in the entryway that would act as a barrier for all who try to enter.

Then I would be all like this:
Because all the coats and stuff are blocking the door. Sorry.
And you know what? I don't want to be Gandalf. I really don't. So I vented to my Guru Louise and Kate and they said they do the same thing. And that made me feel slightly better. So I made a list of the stuff we have said at least 10,000 times and never, ever want to say again.

(1) Do NOT go outside in just your socks. Wear shoes or go barefoot or stay inside. Those socks were new and now they're black on the bottom.

(2) Flush the potty. JUST. FLUSH. IT. I don't want to see what you made.

(3) It's winter, please put on some pants.

(4) Newsflash. You didn't "take a shower" if you didn't use soap.

(5) Why would you put your dirty underwear back in the drawer? It smells like a rest stop bathroom in here.

(6) You're not hungry, you're bored. Go eat an apple. SEE?! If you were actually hungry, you would eat the apple.

(7) The cat really doesn't appreciate that.

(8) For the love of Maude, POOP GOES IN THE POTTY.

(9) Where are your gloves? Seriously – what do you do with them?

(10) Please get your towel off of the floor. It. Does. Not. Have. Legs. It cannot walk back to the towel rack.

(11) Did you brush your teeth? Do we brush our teeth every day? Is there a special "Don't Brush Your Teeth Day" that I didn't know about?

(12) No one wants to see your parts. That is not funny.

(13) Do not play Dragon Ball Z-Kai with your baby sister! She’s a person!

(14) TURN DOWN THE VOLUME ON THE DANG TV! I AM NOT YELLING! I asked you about 20 times in my normal voice to turn it down but you had freaking Phineas and Ferb and The Way of The Platypus so jacked up that you couldn't hear me.

(15) Hands aren't for hitting. Feet aren't for kicking. (But wine is for drinking.)

Feel free to add your own below, I'm sure they're as whacktacular as ours.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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