Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I Hate You, Words With Friends

You guys all know about Words with Friends, right? It's basically on-line Scrabble that you can play on your phone or computer or through Facebook. And it's both wonderful and horribly, horriby stupid and bad.

I don’t actually hate Words with Friends. It’s just that I’m totally addicted to it and it’s eating my brain. It got so bad with Kate that she had to quit cold turkey. Which is actually good – because she is vicious and she’s nearly impossible to beat, the stupid hooker.

When Kate plays Words with Friends, all of a sudden she becomes Ricky Bobby and she will humiliate all those who even try to best her. You might play a couple triple letters and think you're having a nice game and then BAM! She throws down some 90 point words and beats you so badly, you go fetal and weep. At which point she says:

(little bitty language warning)

You know who else beats me? My Husband. He's worse than Kate. And anyone who is in Aunt Mary's immediate family will beat me like a rented mule. So pretty much, if you are related to me - you will win. It's not fair. But there was a time when that didn't bother me.

When I started, I didn’t care who won or lost. I just wanted to have fun. I would forgo putting a “Q” on a triple word score in favor of playing the word “Titty” because I thought it was funny. In fact, when I started all I cared about was having fun and IM’ing with friends in between games and using as many inappropriate words as possible. Every time I would discover a new dirty word that I was able to play, I would be elated. The first time I realized that I could play the word S-H-I-T, I clapped like a monkey with cymbals.

Now, the fun and the clapping are gone. In its place? Furious anger and frustration. Now, late at night my husband hears me slam down my iPad and yell things like: “DAMN IT! Why I can’t play JEWS?! What the HELL?!” And he starts to worry about my mental health until he realizes it’s all about Words with Friends.

And while I’m ranting (because just thinking about the whole Jews thing has gotten me mad all over again), why are some words - that clearly are not even real words - allowed to be used and are used all the damn time when other words – that clearly are words - not allowed? Why, Words with Friends? WHY?

Example? Cajun. Do you know how many points I could have gotten if I’d been allowed to play CAJUN, which is obviously a real freaking word? A lot. Triple letter on the J. That’s all I’m saying. Also? Sweden. Apparently Sweden is not a word. Except that Texas is. You know how I know? Because I played that one against Stark. Raving. Mad. Mommy. And she was all “WTF?! How is Texas a word? I used to live there and it’s a PROPER NAME and should not be a word. LYDIA.” And I laughed and laughed an evil laugh.

But you know what is a word? QAT. I still don’t believe it. The first time stupid Kate smacked me with that word, I was like: “YOU’RE A QAT. And everyone knows it. Except you smell. You’re a smelly qat.”

I maybe need to work on my sportsmanship.

Also, “qat” is an African plant you chew and get a buzz off. Or, you could use my definition: A word that tips you off that SOMEBODY googled “Q words with no U” and came up with QAT because they think googling stuff while playing on-line Scrabble isn’t really cheating.

I’m not saying people cheat. BUT YOU KNOW THEY DO. I mean, I use the word qat now, too. Because I know it exists and I’m not stupid. It’s a great way to use a Q. But please, are you honestly trying to tell me that your average suburban mom just knows that word? Maybe if they did Peace Corps in Mauritania or something but that’s the only valid reason I can come up with. Otherwise – I am very skeptical indeed. You cheated and you owe me a Starbucks, asshat. I will take a Venti Ralph Macchio with an extra shot please.

Let’s move on to the fact that sometimes, it seems like Words with Friends is trying to tell you something. Once, Kate’s letters spelled out “OIWANTU”, which she thinks serves to confirm her fierceness but to me just says the poor letters came up short. Probably it would have said “Oi. Want to stop now because it’s no fun to play with you because you always f*cking win."

And once, a lady emailed us because her letters spelled WHUCK. Which leads me to my next thing. There are so many words that I believe are real words that I could have played to great success, but for the fact that they are imaginary. Or have something to do with Harry Potter or the Shire or something. Here is a list of these words that have been unfairly denied to me thanks to the short-sighted hooligans over at Zynga games:
Totally not his fault. Stupid game.
  • Yesser
  • Jedi
  • Bezoar
  • Hogwarts (This would have been at least a 70 point word, too)
  • Gandalf
  • Jackhole
I heard a while ago about Alec Baldwin getting thrown off a plane because he lost his schmidt with a stewardess and yelled at her and refused to turn off his phone. Why? Because of Words with Friends. Yes, he is known to have a bad temper and occasionally go batshit crazy on people but you know what? This was clearly NOT HIS FAULT.

Why? Words with Friends. That's where the problem lies. Today, I think I will join Kate in a life post-Words With Friends. I will give it up for a while and see if it loses it's power over me.

I think we both know who will win this battle. Ricky Bobby.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

57 comments:

  1. I actually use Qat after listening to the Barenaked ladies Snacktime CD too many times. A great alphabet song with unusual words.

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    1. I love that song! And I have used QAT after hearing it too! You beat me to the comment.

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    2. http://youtu.be/_dvPhtNZCj0 BNL Crazy ABCs

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    3. YES! me too. I feel it justified my purchase (and subsequent 500 million listens to) that album.

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    4. Also beat me to the comment.

      I always sing "Rasins" to my 1-year-old at bedtime (because I really do come from Canada) and it puts him right out. That, and Pollywog in a Bog.

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  2. DUI is clearly an acronym, NOT a word, yet WWF allows it to be played....this pisses me off to no end & I have lost respect for many an otherwise intelligent, literate opponent who has played it against me just because they can :o)

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    1. A Dui is a Chinese bowl with three legs.

      And my anthro undergrad finally gets use. ;)

      Lori

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  3. Ah! I'm a total addict too and I have a friend that is complete Kate and kicks my butt EVERYTIME! I think I'm doing so well and then she hits me with like three 100 point words in a row and I feel like a total loser- but I still love it and occassionally win against other people, so there will be no quitting cold turkey in my future!

    Good luck with teying to tkae time off, but you know you'll be back! :)

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  4. So funny! I quit this game ages ago because I sucked so bad. I may have won two games out of several hundred but was addicted and kept on playing. One day I was all like "why am I still playing this when I totally suck at it?" so I deleted it! Now my boys have my full attention again...oh, what's that on pinterest...well, maybe not...

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  5. What pisses me off is there are now real cheater apps. One is even called Cheats With Friends, which I originally thought was an app for adulterers. This app allows you to take a pic of your game board and upload it into the app. It will then tell you the best move to make, with your letters. What's the point in playing the game??

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  6. The thing I love about wwf is that it tells you what word are able to be played. I can try all kind of combinations and I do come up with some bizarre ones. You can also hear me regularly yelling that it SHOULD be an appropriate word! No Google but my husband accuses me of cheating all the time.

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  7. I've avoided WWF like the plague because I'm susceptible to games on my phone- just ask my hubby who threatened to uninstall Angry Birds from my phone after being woken up at midnight by me growling "why won't you f--king die?", thinking I was trying to kill him with poison or something, then realizing I was having a problem reaching that last piggy. But now I want to start to see what words I can get away with.

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  8. hey lydia, get the scrabble helper app for your phone. It'll be our little secret ;) (from one total w/w/f, wordfeud, scrabble loser to another :D)

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  9. As I type this comment, my i device is beeping with the arrival of messages indicating my turn in my many WWF games. And I totally have a Kate friend, too. SO annoying.

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  10. Kori is right! We don't have the CD, but Sirius XM's Kids Place Live plays the alternative ABC song frequently enough for suburban mommies to get some edumacation and a good word like qat! Oh, and my family is vicious, too. I swear, I am not playing my 15 y.o. niece but my evil brother disguised as her....

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  11. WwF is awesome. My mother and I play all the time. I played "coitus" on a board the other day...thanks to the brilliance of The Big Bang Theory marathons on TBS.

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  12. I am pretty addicted to Words With Friends, as well. When my mom found out, we ended up with four simultaneous games! I am guilty of the "cheating"... Yes, I look up words online. Especially if my tiles make be go "whuck?!" when I look at them...

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  13. I had to get rid of it. The game was taking up alot of memory, and I need the memory for Angry Birds.

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  14. I have a friend on FB who used to post, every now and then, those exact moments where "(Blank) isn't a word?! Come on! It's a word!" and I'd just giggle and thank goodness I don't have a phone capable of this craziness.

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  15. You know what else isn't a word? SLUT. What?! Totally a word.

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  16. Ooooh people cheat at WWF (there is a website that tells you the best played word out of your letters) which is why i don't play anymore! It got so frustrating that my opponents words were always 30 or higher points and then at the end they could magically tie 3 words together with a q and score 120 points and win.

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  17. I was FURIOUS just last night because I couldn't play Jew. And the someone played Leno on me. WTF????

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  18. My husband and I play "together"-which means I play but he steals my Kindle Fire all the time and plays as me. We do not look stuff up on line but we do have a Scrabble dictionary (because we play scrabble in real life) that we both reference!

    And I have a cousin who is a Kate. He played a 131 point word on me last night, then bragged that it was his best word ever! :)

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  19. This is the most hilarious blog post I have read in a long time. I would think qat is short for Kumquat lol. Totally pisses me off about Proper nouns and Jedi..

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  20. I took a screen shot of my phone telling me that TBOX wasn't a word :( What do they know...I also got tired of losing all the time to QAT. Forget google, go here http://www.wineverygame.com Sometimes those smarty pants need a good word thrown back at them, lol... oh and India is also not a word, whatever!

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  21. Actually - I will defend the use of "qat" specifically because I am a suburban/rural mom! It is on the kid's CD by Barenaked Ladies called Snacktime. They talk about how it is a great word for scrabble so it stuck in my head! (lyrics for those who are bored - http://www.metrolyrics.com/crazy-abcs-lyrics-barenaked-ladies.html). Had I not listened to that CD a gazillion times to calm my kid, I wouldn't know it. But I am quitting WWF too - it makes me hate my friends/opponents when they win and it too time absorbing.

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  22. Did you know that it also won't accept "slut"? Now that's just wrong. I did play "orgasm" the other day on my husband (wait, what?) and got a little chuckle on that one.

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  23. I played the word Liger the other day, and wwf took it! Whuck?! Jen

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  24. I love it and can not stop. Some of my friends beat the pants off me, but there are some friends that I beat consistently so I keep coming back for more :)

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  25. I have 9 word games going on right now, scrabble and words with friends. At first I was so into it...couldn't wait til the evening when I had a chance to sit and ponder some incredible intellectual mind blowing vocab that would make people see how smart I know I really am. Not sure what happened over the last few weeks but all I want is to line up little jewels into rows and make them explode...I can't stop! I'm still working on how this is somehow beneficial to the psyche...

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  26. Happy to be able to say I've never cheated...but I will use the words I learn from my cheating opponents! And I've totally used bezoar, and it let me! But my biggest gripe (my own FWP) is the game only lets you have 20 games at a time! A few with my mom, a few with my hubby, a couple with my brother and sister, pluse a few with some friends, and I'm at my limit! Boo! =)

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  27. Wwf is sucking up all of my productive time! And I KNOW my friends and family aren't as smart as the words they play suggest, but I have vowed not to cheat. Totally agree about the should-be words that aren't and the shouldn't be words that are. I couldn't play "zulu" just a minute ago. Also had some funny experiences while carrying on multiple games - I played "porno" in what I believed to be an ongoing game with a friend from high school in which we were out-filthing each other, and as soon as I submitted I realized that I played it in a game with my mother's best friend. Oops!

    And I am only able to comment on this post now because it is everyone else's turn to play right now. Ugh -I get you, Alec Baldwin!!

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    Replies
    1. I'll play ya! I'm not at my limit at the moment!
      addie222

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  28. Addicted!
    Words I've *learned* since playing WWF (read... Words people have played against me and won that I had no idea they were words, DAMNIT)....
    Qat, Quai, Qoph, Sajou, Suq, Zax, Puja, Jaup and many many more. And yes, now I play them against others. Muahahahahaha!

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    Replies
    1. Don't forget about Qi and Xi. both legit wwf words.

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  29. My 8 and 10 year old beat me at Scrabble- Im not getting into WWF, I can't be that humiliated in front of my friends. Let them think I'm smart...

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  30. Noooooo. What am I supposed to do when I have insomnia? Read? Come back to the Dark Side. We have cookies.

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  31. I totally just used qat (which my computer is telling me is mispelled), thanks for that. But after a friend just hit me with Sext. Really? Sext?!

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  32. I just still can't get over the fact that I used to be reasonably intelligent and when faced with wwf at night and I'm tired I can only manage a 3 or 4 letter word. Though thank you anonymous, those are freakin' fabulous new words.....hehehehe

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  33. Oh, and my husband won't even play against me anymore because I suck so bad (not in the way he'd prefer....)

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  34. I refuse to play Words w/ Friends because I am still pissed at my husband for beating me with "zygote" WHILE I was pregnant. Zygote. The bastid. He STILL reminds me.

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  35. Not only am I addicted to wwf but now hanging with friends where you have to guess a word your friend makes from 12 of the most outlandish letters the game gives you at random, I frequently lose to words like joys gods and faxes. Or the other game my brain can't ever work like my opponents scramble with friends how on earth do they see some of the words they find in there???

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  36. I am so addicted to WWF (and I don't mean wrestling) that it's absurd. I forgo my motherly duties in lieu of checking, checking, and rechecking WWF to see if any (Oh God please, ANYONE??) has taken their turn so that I can.

    Oh, and save this one up in your pocket: QI is a word, and no game is complete without someone using it at least once. It's a great way to use up your U-less Q, and usually to get tons of points for it. Often, QI is played both ways, across and down, from the same Q. And you can pluralize it.

    :)

    Jo

    http://bumbumgerms.blogspot.com/

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  37. I love WWF but only on my phone because it's to freaking slow on my computer. And I rarely win because I don't cheat. But I'm pretty convinced that every single person that I play against does cheat. My husband has a "scrabble cheat" page bookmarked that he uses. Cheater.

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  38. www.scrabblecheat.com

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  39. Best WWF word ever? PORNY! yup, it's a word, and lots of points:)

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  40. You can blame Barenaked Ladies for putting the word out on Qat - it's part of a song on their kid's CD - Snacktime. "Clap like a monkey with cymbals"?! I love the imagery of your writing!

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  41. By the way... Scramble with friends is SO MUCH more fun!!!

    And my favorite WWF moment was my husband yelling about not being able to play the word Santa. Told him, well obviously it's because he doesn't exist! He said he is never letting my son (who was 2 months old at the time) play against me. Haha.

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  42. The thing that makes me mad about "jedi" is that WWF totally accepts "sith"!! Clearly the game is from the dark side.

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  43. OMG...we are soul Scrabble sisters. I too, have tried to use the word JEWS. Why can't I use that word??? WHY???? I also think that if we had to play this game old school, on a board, with paper and counting up points there is NO WAY I would lose so much. No cheating when the person is in front of you and you can argue their word and shame them into recanting. And I start to feel so unfriendly to my friends when I play Words With Friends. And they taunt me and text things like BOOYA! (Which is not a word, by the way.) So for Christmas I took great pleasure in mutilating a Scrabble game and used tiles and holders to make ornaments that said PEACE, SNOW, MERRY, and other cute holiday words. For fun. No points.

    I will stop now. Thank you for this post.
    Trina in CA

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  44. Apparently qat is the entire reason why the Arab Spring never really got off the ground in Yemen - they'd start in the morning, all fired up and demanding freedom, and then they'd stop for a qat break, feel a bit like a snack, have some more qat, have a nap... According to a friend of mine who was over there in the last year, it's really hard to fight for democracy when the whole country spends the afternoon getting high. And now when I hear the word 'qat', that's all I can think of.

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  45. OMG I am totally addicted to that game LOL..and yes QAT is a word..i also like QI or QIS! especially on a double or triple tile LOL. and when i'm playing someone i really wanna beat..i use scrabblecheat.com

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  46. I'm addicted with the game,really!!..I love to play this game..If I'm having a hard time I just use the ANAGRAMMER to give me some hints.

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  47. I went cold turkey on that game about a month ago, and actually rediscovered my Kindle again! Yep, reading real books! I feel so proud. However, I happen across words every now and then that I think "oohhh, that would kick ass in WWF." It's a sickness... and I haven't gone so far as to delete the app from my phone...yet...

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  48. Scramble With Friends joins the world's most popular word-game franchise... If you like Words With Friends and Hanging With Friends, you're gonna love this one! Try scramble with friends help.

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  49. A friend from high school, Shaira, is better at Scramble with Friends than I am. There, I said it. After hundreds of hard-fought games, and only an occasional win, her superior skill is evident. I asked her how she could be this good. She said she used to play lots of Boggle as a kid. Hmm. I guess it is too late for me, then. Though I have improved with practice, so has she. I can only conclude that I will never be able to beat her more than once in a while.


    scramble with friends cheater

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