Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I Hate You, Words With Friends

You guys all know about Words with Friends, right? It's basically on-line Scrabble that you can play on your phone or computer or through Facebook. And it's both wonderful and horribly, horriby stupid and bad.

I don’t actually hate Words with Friends. It’s just that I’m totally addicted to it and it’s eating my brain. It got so bad with Kate that she had to quit cold turkey. Which is actually good – because she is vicious and she’s nearly impossible to beat, the stupid hooker.

When Kate plays Words with Friends, all of a sudden she becomes Ricky Bobby and she will humiliate all those who even try to best her. You might play a couple triple letters and think you're having a nice game and then BAM! She throws down some 90 point words and beats you so badly, you go fetal and weep. At which point she says:

(little bitty language warning)

You know who else beats me? My Husband. He's worse than Kate. And anyone who is in Aunt Mary's immediate family will beat me like a rented mule. So pretty much, if you are related to me - you will win. It's not fair. But there was a time when that didn't bother me.

When I started, I didn’t care who won or lost. I just wanted to have fun. I would forgo putting a “Q” on a triple word score in favor of playing the word “Titty” because I thought it was funny. In fact, when I started all I cared about was having fun and IM’ing with friends in between games and using as many inappropriate words as possible. Every time I would discover a new dirty word that I was able to play, I would be elated. The first time I realized that I could play the word S-H-I-T, I clapped like a monkey with cymbals.

Now, the fun and the clapping are gone. In its place? Furious anger and frustration. Now, late at night my husband hears me slam down my iPad and yell things like: “DAMN IT! Why I can’t play JEWS?! What the HELL?!” And he starts to worry about my mental health until he realizes it’s all about Words with Friends.

And while I’m ranting (because just thinking about the whole Jews thing has gotten me mad all over again), why are some words - that clearly are not even real words - allowed to be used and are used all the damn time when other words – that clearly are words - not allowed? Why, Words with Friends? WHY?

Example? Cajun. Do you know how many points I could have gotten if I’d been allowed to play CAJUN, which is obviously a real freaking word? A lot. Triple letter on the J. That’s all I’m saying. Also? Sweden. Apparently Sweden is not a word. Except that Texas is. You know how I know? Because I played that one against Stark. Raving. Mad. Mommy. And she was all “WTF?! How is Texas a word? I used to live there and it’s a PROPER NAME and should not be a word. LYDIA.” And I laughed and laughed an evil laugh.

But you know what is a word? QAT. I still don’t believe it. The first time stupid Kate smacked me with that word, I was like: “YOU’RE A QAT. And everyone knows it. Except you smell. You’re a smelly qat.”

I maybe need to work on my sportsmanship.

Also, “qat” is an African plant you chew and get a buzz off. Or, you could use my definition: A word that tips you off that SOMEBODY googled “Q words with no U” and came up with QAT because they think googling stuff while playing on-line Scrabble isn’t really cheating.

I’m not saying people cheat. BUT YOU KNOW THEY DO. I mean, I use the word qat now, too. Because I know it exists and I’m not stupid. It’s a great way to use a Q. But please, are you honestly trying to tell me that your average suburban mom just knows that word? Maybe if they did Peace Corps in Mauritania or something but that’s the only valid reason I can come up with. Otherwise – I am very skeptical indeed. You cheated and you owe me a Starbucks, asshat. I will take a Venti Ralph Macchio with an extra shot please.

Let’s move on to the fact that sometimes, it seems like Words with Friends is trying to tell you something. Once, Kate’s letters spelled out “OIWANTU”, which she thinks serves to confirm her fierceness but to me just says the poor letters came up short. Probably it would have said “Oi. Want to stop now because it’s no fun to play with you because you always f*cking win."

And once, a lady emailed us because her letters spelled WHUCK. Which leads me to my next thing. There are so many words that I believe are real words that I could have played to great success, but for the fact that they are imaginary. Or have something to do with Harry Potter or the Shire or something. Here is a list of these words that have been unfairly denied to me thanks to the short-sighted hooligans over at Zynga games:
Totally not his fault. Stupid game.
  • Yesser
  • Jedi
  • Bezoar
  • Hogwarts (This would have been at least a 70 point word, too)
  • Gandalf
  • Jackhole
I heard a while ago about Alec Baldwin getting thrown off a plane because he lost his schmidt with a stewardess and yelled at her and refused to turn off his phone. Why? Because of Words with Friends. Yes, he is known to have a bad temper and occasionally go batshit crazy on people but you know what? This was clearly NOT HIS FAULT.

Why? Words with Friends. That's where the problem lies. Today, I think I will join Kate in a life post-Words With Friends. I will give it up for a while and see if it loses it's power over me.

I think we both know who will win this battle. Ricky Bobby.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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