Friday, February 10, 2012

Who Doesn't Love a Cuddly Scrote?

Remember how I made a video of all the toys that my precious little cupcake named things like Lionsack and Crack Rabbit and Horny? Then I asked you guys to please tell me if your kids did it, too? We got over 200 comments. And they were all hilarious. THANK YOU.

I asked all our buds for help - Guru Louise, Kate, Ellen, The Yenta, The Pregnant Chicken, Mom in a Million and Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy. to help us pick our favorites. Here are our top ten.

They are glorious.

When my daughter was 2, she gave everyone a new pretend name. For weeks, my husband and I were named, "Buster." But she didn't pronounce it 'Bust-er'. She pronounced it, "Bastard."

Every time my husband heard her calling for me, he'd have to fight back tears.

"I want more water, Bastard."
"Bastard, I finished pooping. Wipe me!"
"You know, Bastard, you're my best friend."

My then 2 yo had a stuffed donkey she got from my in-laws that she named Donkey Dong. Then she went to their farm, and saw a real donkey. So now the live one is Big Donkey Dong, and Little Donkey Dong.

Imagine how I felt when I was checking out of our hotel near the in-laws and she's behind me shouting "I want to go see Big Donkey Dong!" During a rather well-attended continental breakfast full of construction workers.
When my daughter was 4 she won a monkey at our local fair. She immediately named the thing Scrote. Try explaining that one to her teacher at her christian preschool! Especially after she asked if she could sleep with her "Cuddly Scrote" at nap time!

My sweet son once had a stuffed toy fish as well as live fish. He loved them all but he couldn't say fish. Instead he said (loudly), "I love bitches! Look at my bitches! Look at those pretty bitches!". He was an enthusiastic "bitch" lover. 
My dear friends are Jewish and we are Christian. Our kids hang out and learn about each others holidays etc., so our little Christians know how to play dreidel and their kids have heard the story of Christmas. The cross-religious sharing backfired a few years ago at a family Hanukah gathering, when my friends' daughters (then 3 and 4) were given baby dolls by a relative. 

With all of the entire Jewish family gathered, someone made the mistake of asking the 3 year old what she was going to name her doll. She thought for a moment and then said, "Ummm....Baby Jesus." The entire assembly died laughing. Big sister, not to be outdone, loudly announced that she would be naming her doll, "Ultimate Baby Jesus.

Funny? You bet. Add to the funny? My daughter made a stuffed Pig at Build-a-Bear and named it Moses. Now we joke that we should have made the sound card inside it say "Set my bacon free."
I didn't inappropriately name a toy. I inappropriately named my mother.

When I was about 4 I had overheard an adult conversation which included the phrase "that old heifer". I loved it. So I named my mom that. Everywhere we went, I called her "Old Heifer". My favorite was in the middle of the grocery store when I got lost and repeatedly sobbed very loudly that I had lost my "old heifer" and just wanted to be back with my "old heifer". Here came my mom around the corner, blushing and red faced as several people snickered, trying to withhold their laughter that the "old heifer" had returned.

For about a year starting when he was two, my son named every animal Bob. Visit the Monterey Aquarium? Bob the Whale as a souvenir. Creepy camel he picked as a souvenir from the Morocco Pavilion at Epcot? Bob the Camel. A bag of my old stuffed animals my parents sent him? Bob, Bob, Bob and Bob. Then, one day, we were in an amusement park in California, riding a carousel. "Can I name my horse, mama?" "Of course," I said. "Is his name Bob?" My son looked at me like I was an idiot, and said "No, his name is Yoghurt." I'm pretty sure the whole Bob thing was a year long set-up for that.

My dad's name is Richard, and of course he goes by Dick (which was a nightmare at 13, but at 40 I can live with it). We have encouraged our 4 yr old son (I'll call him Noodle) to call him "Grandpa", but of course he's latched on to calling him "Grandpa Dick". That's fine and all - after all, most people are at least familiar with the idea of Dick as a name. 
Except Noodle has shortened it to "My Dick". So instead of saying "I want to play with my Grandpa Dick" (which is bad enough), he says "I want to play with my Dick." You can imagine all the conversations that happen... "When will I see my Dick again?" "Why can't I play with my Dick now?" "Does my Dick miss me?" "I'm going to go help my Dick!" "Bye Mom! I'm going to be with my Dick tonight!" 
It's especially awkward in public, and even worse when he's mad that we can't see Grandpa RIGHT NOW so he's screaming "Why won't you let me see my Dick! I want to play with my Dick RIGHT NOW!" Trying to say "You'll see GRANDPA Dick in a few hours" through gritted teeth never seems to work.

Roxy Feb 8, 2012 06:39 AM
At 3 years old, my oldest was sure to tell people that he likes porn (corn) and hookers (any vehicle that could tow). We actually have a video of him saying it...somewhere. I cannot wait to play that little snippet at his HS graduation party.

My daughter doesn't name her toys anything. But when her little brother was born she was 22 months old. I called him cutie pie and she would call him "booty time". Or just just booty for short.

So at the grocery store she would say, in her cutest possible baby voice, "hey booty time, you're so cute booty." people looked at me like I was nuts. But it was so darn cute.

Now a quick question: do you want me to make another video? If so, please send me a photo of the awesome toy or item your child has named along with a quick description of it or back story on how it came about. If you were one of our top ten, PLEASE PLEASE send me a photo if you can. 

Send it here: lydia.and.kate@gmail.com

xo, Lydia
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

45 comments:

  1. Those are hilarious!! I love the Dick one. :)

    My daughter has a puppy she carries everywhere that is black and brown and she has named black eye. Problem is, she pronounces it as, "black guy". So whenever we go somewhere, she demands to bring black guy. In the store, she'll loudly demand that black guy wants candy. It's sure gotten us a lot of looks.

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  2. ohhh....the Grandpa Dick one is awesome...i'll be laughing at that one for awhile!!

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    1. My Dad was named Richard and went by Richard. My oldest brother is named Richard as well and goes by Dick. I'm questioning whether to tell him this story. I thought it was hilarious! But thankfully it
      wasn't MY kid saying it. HOW embarrassing!

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    2. I have two nephews who went on vacation together with their parents when they were around 2 or 3. When they came home they were trying to tell about their trip. One of them kept saying that they done this or that "yesterdaynight" instead of last night. BUT the other nephew thought that the big animal they saw at the zoo was an "elephananut".

      Our family was going on a camping trip and my nephew wanted to ride with my husband and me. A while into the trip he started saying he wanted "ham and eggs". We couldn't figure what he was trying to say. Finally we stopped for a break and I asked his mother what he was saying. He wanted a drink of lemonade! Poor kid, he was very thirsty by the time we stopped!

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  3. Oh how I wish my husband had not thrown "Poop" in the garbage or I would happily post a pic to you of this sweet little pink and purple puppy! "Poop" was named and loved by our then two-year old daughter. No one knows why or how she came up with that name. I suspect it had something to do with potty training around that time in a two-year old's life when happiness and rewards about surrounding that subject! But she so loved that Poop with all her heart. She slept with it, carried it around the home and dreadfully out in public! You can imagine the conversations.
    I miss "Poop"!

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  4. My daughter's classic:

    Around her second birthday she became obsessed with birthday hats as they were quite abundant in our house at that time. Problem was, when she said birthday hat it sounded exactly like "pussy head" -- we probably made the situation worse by entertaining our guests with this, thus making them laugh, thus making her do it more!

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  5. When my boys were 3 & 4 they liked Thomas the tank trains. They both had speech problems so Percy came out as "pussy". They had an arguement in the middle of Target check out line about who liked "pussy" better and had everyone rolling including the cashier who rang up one item 3 times and in my hurry to escape I didn't notice. Redfaced, I had to go back in to get it fixed.

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  6. You make me smile!

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  7. Holy Crapola that is so funny. It also makes me SOOOOOOOOO grateful that I cant' think of anything to submit. All those poor mothers!

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  8. Two days in a row I have literally spit coffee all over my keyboard reading Donkey Dong. My god, that's good stuff.

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  9. Oh please, please make a video...I still haven't recovered from Nutsack...

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  10. yes please video! These are hilarious!

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  11. My little guy has always been entertaintained by animals and animal noises which he started to learn about really early on. He was about 18 months when he decided to take on "elephant." The problem is that is sounded like "oh shit" when he said it. He goes to a christian day care with a Noah's Arc scene painted in the lobby. For several weeks I had to explain to each of the different people working at the front desk that he was talking about the elephant on the wall as he was getting checked in every morning.

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  12. I didn't have a chance to submit earlier... but when my daughter was 2 she had these cute sparkly tennis shoes. She called them sparkly shoes only it sounded like she was saying "f*#! me shoes". I'm pretty sure that 2 is a little young for those kind of shoes!

    Not an embarrassing name, but the other day we had a tv repair man at the house. My daughter promptly comes up to me and says, "I like your boobies, mommy!" Talk about red faced.

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  13. I have a video of my son on the table singing a song of whatever came to mind and he was talking about candy then blurted out in the middle of sing " who wants to suck.. Let's suck a Dick" I still die laughing every time I see it

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  14. My sweet, innocent niece had trouble saying truck. It came out as f*cker. So, my brother and SIL who have demented senses of humor (like the rest of us here) liked to ask her is it was a mother truck or a father truck?She always picked mother of course :P

    Then, there was my older precious cupcake- we had just gotten on the road home from a weekend trip when he kept saying repeatedly "I wanna f*ck" (he was 2). We kept asking him to repeat so we could surely hear something more sensible. My husband started having conniptions about who let something inappropriate slip in front of our kid - like my family would have been saying that randomly on a family trip???? We finally figured out that he was saying "I no wanna frog" - it was that damn baby einstein book with the frog on the cover and he ahd a habit of dropping the "no" from things.. So, yeah, spent weeks of my life training him to say frog and fox instead of f*ck.

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  15. Thanking my lucky stars that the strangest named stuffie/doll around our house is a Blue Hippopotamus Webkins that goes by the name of "Racecar Driver". Like Anonymous above, my boys tend to be more focused on mortifying me with discussing/rubbing my body parts in front of total strangers. For example, at Target the 3yo will ask to be picked up and then start rubbing my chest and proclaim, "I wuv you boobs Mom! You have pretty boobs! Them squishy!" Sigh...

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  16. No weird toy names here, but when my family was on vacation one year we stayed at a hotel that only had showers, so we couldn't give the kids baths. My husband and I decided that our son would shower with him and our daughter would shower with me. My daughter had previously been amused by my freckles so when we were in the shower she looked up and me and said "Mommy can I touch your big freckles" I said, "Honey those aren't freckles, those are nipples".

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  17. I wish I had caught this competition! When I was 15, I babysit a 3 y/o who couldn't pronounce the word "horse". He always said "whore." Imagine my embarrassment when he told a little old lady in Wal-Mart that I was babysitting him bc his "daddy wanted to ride whores after church." I was MORTIFIED.

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  18. When my daughter was 3, she said "hickeys" instead of "hiccups"...I received a disturbed phone call from daycare one day.."Mrs. Mess, your little girl is insisting she has hickeys. Can you explain this?"
    Also, my son is 2, and says "poop" instead of "soup"...as in "Dat poop taste good mom, I yikes (like) it." Awesome.
    And finally, I'm 17 yrs older than my sister. When SHE was 2, my (then 17 yr old) brother would pay her in M&Ms to say "Mother Trucker" because it sounded like...MF'er... :D

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  19. Thank you SO much for this article. I started off my day horrible and have had less than 8 hours of sleep in 24 hours and I could not stop laughing. It was just what I needed. Thank you. :D

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    1. I don't think I ever get 8 hours sleep in one night anymore... Lol.

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    2. Oops, I meant less than 8 hours in 48 hours lol.

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  20. Ok.....My daughter had two. The first one was when her day care providers' boyfriend had a (shudder) tarantula. His name was Fuzz Bucket. Of course, in any store we went to, or on the phone to Grandma and Grandpa, she told them all about her new friend "F*ckett". Yay.
    The second one,was several months later. We had moved to a new home, where there were many stray cats. One of the HUGE tom cats protected all the kittens from the others. Let them eat first, ect. So I named this most wonderful cat Uncle Buck. Fail. Uncle F*ck was so devoted to her, and vice versa. He soon became Uncle Bob. For obvious reasons.

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  21. Oh Man these.are.awesome! thanks for sharing and definitely make a video.
    3 kids and nobody has name a toy anything really inappropriate BUT our youngest is currently 22 months and lagging a little in the speech department...Despite our best efforts, words are still pretty jumbly and it takes a while to figure out what she's saying...
    Ex. ADA = DORA (daddy nearly had a stroke trying to figure that one out!)
    SOCKS = COCKS, every day, all day...Cocks, cocks, cocks...If they are slipping, slouching, twisted or she just simply wants them on or off...she screams cocks. Fine and dandy in the house; but i get a few stares in walmart as we walk by the "cock" display.

    PS - oh and last summer, my 4 year old and my 5 year old neice named the fuzzy catepillars at the lake all "WINKY". Sounds cute until they put it in a sentence...
    "Oh my, look how big and long my winky is"
    "Come here and see my winky!"
    "my winky is so thick and fuzzy"
    "Mom, we're going hunting for new winky's"

    Enjoy!!

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  22. I just read your post about laptop/gun/parenting on the babble site. I'm one of the 100,000 people that watched your video. I was surprised, though I probably shouldn't have been, that you received so much negative feedback. I thought it was cute and it brought some mommy humor into my life. Your stories entertain me and help me look forward to what is coming next with my baby. So thanks!

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  23. Starting to sound like a rendition of "The Aristocrats";
    you can look it up.

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  24. My two year old gets very excited about coffee and will repeatedly say the word louder and louder until you acknowledge him. The only problem is his word for coffee is f***ing. Oh, and breakfast is f***fest. Lovely.

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  25. GLOR. I. OUS. I just laughed myself sick. Dear Gawd, do I want you to make a video?! EVEN YESSER!

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  26. My daughter has this crazy looking pink monkey named Mochila.............yep that's right. F@#$%ng Dora!!

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  27. So, my daughter fortunately has always named things normal names (although she really did love "her woody" when she was little, but this is what she used to yell at my Husband and I...and always at the worst possible location and moment. Between the ages of 2 and 4 she couldn't pronounce her "j's" so replaced them with "ch's" instead. Everytime we used to pick on her or tease her she would yell at us loudly "Mommy, stop CHOKING me!" It was great. And for some reason everytime my husband would pull out his quick release pocket knife to cut something she would exclaim "Ahdoo, don't cut me!" For the record, she could be in a completely different room and say that, and no, she had never been cut by a knife, so we have no idea why she would say that. As funny as it always was...in both situations...we had to constantly tell her to not say either of those things or someone would take her away from us. She's 6 now, and when we tell her about those, she thinks it's absolutely hilarious. It is...just not in public, lol! Now we can't wait to hear the things our 7 month old comes up with when she grows older!!!

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  28. my 3 year old son is OBSESSED with Thomas and friends. we had a miracle at Target this year right before Christmas. my hubby was staring blindly at the Thomas display, trying to figure out a few thing to pick up for him. a woman approached him and told him her son had outgrown Thomas and would we like his collection? of course, and asked how much do you want for it?(we're not poor, not rich, so wanted to pay her for it) she wouldnt accept payment, just said to pass them on when Liam's done with them. hubby came home with BOXES of Thomas stuff. ridiculous awesomeness! anyway, 3 year old starts talking about it at the dinner table on Christmas, saying he loves his new Percy, Percy is his favorite, i love to play with Percy. only...it doesnt sound like Percy, it sounds like he's saying pussy. good, sweet baby jesus, i havent laughed that hard in a long time!

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  29. When our son was about 3 years old, Toy Story was BIG, and the local Burger King was selling the characters as a special deal. Except the local one only had Buzz Lightyear. On a road trip we stopped at another BK and Daddio found that they had other characters. Son and I were waiting at a booth, when son spots Daddio across the restaurant with the tray of food, "Oh, look, Mummy, Daddy has a Woody!!!" Hilarity ensued.

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  30. Both my girls have named EVERYTHING... with my youngest, for the LONGEST time, everything was Julie... no idea why.. but my oldest... for some reason she has this thing about FOOD names... she has a nacho, a dorito, a taco... and a fudge.. one day when she was 4 she was playing and she was talking about Fudge moving out because he didnt like taco anymore.. hearing out of her sweet little mouth "taco's not helping with fudge packing. fudge doesnt like taco anymore.." Ive got a twisted sense of humor as it is, but I couldnt help it... I died laughing.. Of course I got a stern "mommy! This is NOT funny.. Fudge packing is not good!" I literally had TEARS... she's 9 now... and still has fudge and taco.. although I think they are speaking again...

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  31. My 2 yo daughter was given a stuffed shar-pei puppy by my husband...she named him Crack (all the wrinkles in the face). So, she walked around the house, "Where's my Crack?" "I can't sleep without my Crack" "I want my Crack". Soooo funny. One night she pulled the stuffing out of him so I told her, "No more Crack, Crack is going in the garbage" She is 5 now and still says, "Mommy, remember you threw my Crack in the garbage?"

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  32. Oh my goodness, these were all so awesomely hilarious. My family is all asleep and I had a hard time trying to keep my laughing quiet. Makes my children's silly names sound almost normal. My son, at 3, called his baby sister Mush (rhyming with push). I have no idea why. And a few years ago McDonald's had some kitty toys. They had big heads and small bodies. With two tags unfortunately positioned at the bum, so you could wrap the two tags around the kitty like a diaper; which is why the kitties were/are called Diaper Kitties by all my children. And as these were favourite toys for many months, this required explaining to several friends and family members. So that was fun.

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  33. Fabulous - my fave has gotta be Nut Sack... hilarious !!!

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  34. Just saw I made top ten. I'm about to shit my pants I'm so excited! Will send a photo or something asap!

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  35. My 2-year-old daughter has a blanket that she was given on the day she was born. She didn't really care about it very much until she was about 15 or 16 months old, then it had to go everywhere with her. It has an elephant on it and says "Little Peanut", so I started calling it the Peanut. She steadfastly refuses to call it "Peanut", she calls it "Pee-Pee". And now every blanket, from throws on the couch to blankies in stories, are "pee-pees". Not surprisingly, when my nephew started potty-training, everything that went in the potty was "poop" to her, I assume because no on in their right mind would put pee or pee-pee in the potty.

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  36. We got a cat at the local human society. My daughter was about 9 or 10 at the time. She named the cat "Precious Pretty Pussy" When I explained to her why that wasn't appropriate she was mortified.

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  37. When my 9 year old daughter was just under 2, we started weaning her from her pacifier. She lovingly called her pacifier her foosy. Her being the first child, I was quite sure I needed to help her learn to speak correctly. So I tried to teach her "paci" for pacifier. Fast forward a week or so to us being in the grocery store, dangerously near bed time, and without a pacifier. So my almost 2 year old is whining and crying asking for her foosy, and I say, "No Mommy doesn't have a paci here honey." And she chooses that moment to try out the new word, and starts screaming her face off about wanting her POOSY right now. (sounding a little too similar to p-u-s-s-y...) Crazy shrill screaming- "I want my POOSY give my my POOSY! Where is my POOSY? I WANT MY POOOSY!!!" Yeah, that was a new grocery shopping experience for many Meijer shoppers that night...

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  38. we never had any toys named inappropriately, but mommy cusses likes a longshoremen, and little pitchers with those big ears... daddy has an uncle we visit sometimes on weekends. once when she was around 2, she heard daddy calling his uncle a motherf****r after getting beat at darts. he became Uncle Futhermucker for a while. not too long after that, when we were living in TX.; i came out of the bathroom in my nudies after a shower, (the door led right into the bedroom) and my daughter hops up on my bed as i am putting on my unders and says,"your boobs look funny". what an ego boost! i looked at them, then i looked at her and said,"YOUR boobs look funny". about a week later, she stood up on a footstool in front of the t.v. and starts singing a song, woo hoo, after dinner entertainment! she made it up as she went, and all i really remember of it was," do it for the love, do it for the hugs, do it for the mom and dad, do it for the prostate...". i had to stop and explain that a prostate was a boy part that was inside the body, and those commercials that she heard the word in were for a medicine for boys with sick prostates.../le sigh/

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  39. Oh, my goodness, I've been laughing so hard at these! I was reminded of the names my great-grandmother had for her grandparents: Dam Dam and Dum Dum. We've never known which was which.

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  40. My oldest enjoyed eating "cop-porn" (popcorn) w/her fav. movie @ 2 yrs old. lol But nothing beats my cousin....whose 3 year old was going to the potty in the middle of the night & the toilet lid fell on "him" :( that poor baby!! He ran to Mama, crying..."Can you kiss it?" She had to fight back the laughter to console him & tell him why mama couldn't "kiss it" & make it better. He will be married next month & that story is still priceless & frequently shared. Not sure how he feels about that :)

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