Friday, February 10, 2012

Who Doesn't Love a Cuddly Scrote?

Remember how I made a video of all the toys that my precious little cupcake named things like Lionsack and Crack Rabbit and Horny? Then I asked you guys to please tell me if your kids did it, too? We got over 200 comments. And they were all hilarious. THANK YOU.

I asked all our buds for help - Guru Louise, Kate, Ellen, The Yenta, The Pregnant Chicken, Mom in a Million and Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy. to help us pick our favorites. Here are our top ten.

They are glorious.

When my daughter was 2, she gave everyone a new pretend name. For weeks, my husband and I were named, "Buster." But she didn't pronounce it 'Bust-er'. She pronounced it, "Bastard."

Every time my husband heard her calling for me, he'd have to fight back tears.

"I want more water, Bastard."
"Bastard, I finished pooping. Wipe me!"
"You know, Bastard, you're my best friend."

My then 2 yo had a stuffed donkey she got from my in-laws that she named Donkey Dong. Then she went to their farm, and saw a real donkey. So now the live one is Big Donkey Dong, and Little Donkey Dong.

Imagine how I felt when I was checking out of our hotel near the in-laws and she's behind me shouting "I want to go see Big Donkey Dong!" During a rather well-attended continental breakfast full of construction workers.
When my daughter was 4 she won a monkey at our local fair. She immediately named the thing Scrote. Try explaining that one to her teacher at her christian preschool! Especially after she asked if she could sleep with her "Cuddly Scrote" at nap time!

My sweet son once had a stuffed toy fish as well as live fish. He loved them all but he couldn't say fish. Instead he said (loudly), "I love bitches! Look at my bitches! Look at those pretty bitches!". He was an enthusiastic "bitch" lover. 
My dear friends are Jewish and we are Christian. Our kids hang out and learn about each others holidays etc., so our little Christians know how to play dreidel and their kids have heard the story of Christmas. The cross-religious sharing backfired a few years ago at a family Hanukah gathering, when my friends' daughters (then 3 and 4) were given baby dolls by a relative. 

With all of the entire Jewish family gathered, someone made the mistake of asking the 3 year old what she was going to name her doll. She thought for a moment and then said, "Ummm....Baby Jesus." The entire assembly died laughing. Big sister, not to be outdone, loudly announced that she would be naming her doll, "Ultimate Baby Jesus.

Funny? You bet. Add to the funny? My daughter made a stuffed Pig at Build-a-Bear and named it Moses. Now we joke that we should have made the sound card inside it say "Set my bacon free."
I didn't inappropriately name a toy. I inappropriately named my mother.

When I was about 4 I had overheard an adult conversation which included the phrase "that old heifer". I loved it. So I named my mom that. Everywhere we went, I called her "Old Heifer". My favorite was in the middle of the grocery store when I got lost and repeatedly sobbed very loudly that I had lost my "old heifer" and just wanted to be back with my "old heifer". Here came my mom around the corner, blushing and red faced as several people snickered, trying to withhold their laughter that the "old heifer" had returned.

For about a year starting when he was two, my son named every animal Bob. Visit the Monterey Aquarium? Bob the Whale as a souvenir. Creepy camel he picked as a souvenir from the Morocco Pavilion at Epcot? Bob the Camel. A bag of my old stuffed animals my parents sent him? Bob, Bob, Bob and Bob. Then, one day, we were in an amusement park in California, riding a carousel. "Can I name my horse, mama?" "Of course," I said. "Is his name Bob?" My son looked at me like I was an idiot, and said "No, his name is Yoghurt." I'm pretty sure the whole Bob thing was a year long set-up for that.

My dad's name is Richard, and of course he goes by Dick (which was a nightmare at 13, but at 40 I can live with it). We have encouraged our 4 yr old son (I'll call him Noodle) to call him "Grandpa", but of course he's latched on to calling him "Grandpa Dick". That's fine and all - after all, most people are at least familiar with the idea of Dick as a name. 
Except Noodle has shortened it to "My Dick". So instead of saying "I want to play with my Grandpa Dick" (which is bad enough), he says "I want to play with my Dick." You can imagine all the conversations that happen... "When will I see my Dick again?" "Why can't I play with my Dick now?" "Does my Dick miss me?" "I'm going to go help my Dick!" "Bye Mom! I'm going to be with my Dick tonight!" 
It's especially awkward in public, and even worse when he's mad that we can't see Grandpa RIGHT NOW so he's screaming "Why won't you let me see my Dick! I want to play with my Dick RIGHT NOW!" Trying to say "You'll see GRANDPA Dick in a few hours" through gritted teeth never seems to work.

Roxy Feb 8, 2012 06:39 AM
At 3 years old, my oldest was sure to tell people that he likes porn (corn) and hookers (any vehicle that could tow). We actually have a video of him saying it...somewhere. I cannot wait to play that little snippet at his HS graduation party.

My daughter doesn't name her toys anything. But when her little brother was born she was 22 months old. I called him cutie pie and she would call him "booty time". Or just just booty for short.

So at the grocery store she would say, in her cutest possible baby voice, "hey booty time, you're so cute booty." people looked at me like I was nuts. But it was so darn cute.

Now a quick question: do you want me to make another video? If so, please send me a photo of the awesome toy or item your child has named along with a quick description of it or back story on how it came about. If you were one of our top ten, PLEASE PLEASE send me a photo if you can. 

Send it here:

xo, Lydia
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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