Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Five Reasons The Beautiful Spring Weather is Kicking My Ass

The weather has been amazing this past week. Flowers blooming, sun shining, warm breezes blowing... It's unbelievably lovely and reminds me of how every year the earth renews itself and how we can do the same thing... And then something clicks in my brain. And it reminds me that there's another side to Spring prematurely ejaculating all over my neighborhood.

1. The Unpleasant Motor Vehicle Olfactory Reminder
I thought my van was clean. Maybe not clean. Maybe more like "not embarrassing". And then we had three days in a row of warm weather. And I opened up my car door and was greeted with a smell that reminded me that in the winter - it takes a lot longer for an undiscovered milk-box to sour and become the most disgusting, rancid thing in the world. If you combine that with the smell of dog, a bag of trash containing used pull-ups, and some other stuff that I can't even contemplate without chuking, you have a general idea of what I'm talking to.

2. Attempting to Keep My Offspring From Appearing Insane and/or Raised by Wolves
How do you explain to your child that although it was 70 degrees and sunny yesterday, they may not wear flip flops and shorts to school today? Because although yesterday was springtime perfection, today flurries are expected and if I let you wear that to school, they will call County Services and I do NOT need that to happen. Particularly when my van smells like there's a corpse in it because someone forgot to throw out their turkey sandwich last week and I haven't found it yet.

3. The Mystery of the Outer Layer
Some people would very wisely advise that solving the problem of apparel when it is icy cold in the morning and warm and sunny by lunchtime, would be to deploy a layering strategy. That's what I thought, too. That strategy however, has led to the mysterious disappearance of an entire generation of hoodies, light jackets and long-sleeved shirts. Where do they go? Perhaps to the same far away land as the hundreds of gloves that went missing this winter. The main difference? Gloves are $1/pair and hoodies are $20 a piece. I can grudgingly accept the loss of a few gloves, particularly as I now buy them in bulk. But hoodies, sweatshirts and jackets?? NO SIR. I must now mount a search party which will meet at the base of Mt. LostandFound in the elementary school cafeteria, where I pray I will be successful in both finding lost jackets and avoiding headlice.

4. Why Is Mommy So Scary Right Now?
This is very magical graphiti from our town.
Seasonal mutherfunking allergies. Right now I have allergy-induced pink eye. OOZING PINK EYE. Because of pollen. The kids are sneezy and miserable and somehow their symptoms always seem to magically worsen at the exact moment that I need them to go to sleep at night or I will lose my ever-loving mind. And of course, coughing and dripping means that no one is actually sleeping. And moreover, I can't take anti-histamines because my body reacts to them the same way it does to Jack Daniels. So I just have to deal with the allergies and crazy eyes and the not ever sleeping. And hookers, it ain't pretty. Because I look like I got into a fight with a Zombie Lionel Ritchie and I lost.

5. And Randy the Laundry Fairy Rejoiced
In the winter, if I forget that I have a load of laundry in the wash for a day or two - nothing happens. When it becomes warm and lovely again - I have exactly 24 hours before the funk sets in. Less than that if there's towels involved. My towels are very special. They seem to be specially engineered to acquire the funky smell and never, ever let it go. Hence, it becomes normal for me to wash the same load of laundry three times. The laundry situation completely blows up when Seasonal Clothing Migration becomes imminent. When you need to keep both cold weather clothes handy because it could still snow, but you also need t-shirts because right now it's hot out. And when this happens... the terrorists have won. And by terrorists, I mean laundry.

And those are the five reasons why the beautiful spring weather, with all its warm, breezy, daffodil-y beauty... is kicking my ass. If you want to read four more reasons, you can check 'em out here on Strollerderby.

xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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