Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear During A Conference Call from Home

I work from home. That means I usually have a couple of phone calls each week where I need to at least attempt to sound like a together grown-up. It takes HOURS of strategery to get my kids sorted out so that I can have one 20 minute conversation without being interrupted. And it's usually a disaster. Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. If you're a parent, you've probably experienced something like this:

[phone rings]
Lydia: Hello?
Automated Machine: This is Verizon, returning your call. Your estimated wait time to speak to a customer service representative is ... 39 minutes. Would you like to hold? If so, please say yes.
Lydia: Y--
Kid #1: HE PUT BOOGERS ON ME!
Automated Machine: I did not understand your response. At the tone, please say yes or no.
Lydia: YE--
Kid #1: MOM! BOOGERS! GAHHH!
Automated Machine: Thank you. Your account has been cancelled. Good bye.
[Facepalm]

Here are the top 10 things you don't want to hear while attempting to have an important, adult-type conversation from home.

10. "MOMMMY! Wipe! My! Bottom!"

9. "Be'scuse me. Dora is over."

8. The sound of water running somewhere in the house. Water you did not turn on.

7. [Over the baby monitor] "I not asweep! LA LA LA! Not sweeping ever ever EVER!"

6. A door opening. Doesn't matter what door. Front door? BAD. Fridge door? BAD. Back door? BAD. Garage door? Very Bad. Pantry door? Not good.

5. "Bad dog! Let me ride you!"

4. [Click. Other phone in house gets picked up] Mommy? Are you still on da phone wif dat mean lady you don't like from your work?

3. SMASH. Thump thump thump. Pause. Crying.

2. "Uh oh. I think I broke da potty."

1. Wait. What is that? Oh no. It's the ... Ominous Silence.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012