Wednesday, April 4, 2012

5 Dating Sites My Daughter Will Be Allowed to Use

YES! It could happen!
My daughter is almost 9 and thankfully she's still not that into boys. But some of her friends are. Some of them are starting to have crushes. It is making me insane. I swear about 5 minutes ago they were all playing Polly Pockets and asking for juice boxes.

I WANT THAT BACK.

So my husband, the incomparable Cap'n Coupon, and I discussed the future and the fact that some day (too soon) she will start to notice boys and they will start notice her. And we both were filled with dread and panic. So the Cap'n and I let our fear turn the conversation in a very stupid direction and we began suggesting a list of completely imaginary dating websites that she would be allowed to use when she's a teenager to pick her future boyfriends.


Here is that list:



www.Amish Boyfriends.com
Guess what? It's a secret...
They don't even have computers.
They like things simple. And if they cursed, their whole attitude would be like: "Suck it, Fancy" which is something I can really get behind.

www.Canadian and Car-less.com
Have fun Skyping, kids!
You can text each other, too. Just not after 10 on school nights.

www.HalitosisTeens.com
You're adorable! But your breathe smells like doodoo.
Which may cut down on the making out and stuff.

www.My Dad is in Law Enforcement.com
In order to join, you click an "I agree" statement that says: Curfews are enforced. Her father means it when he says 10pm and he has a gun.
This guy gets it.

www.I Heart My Promise Ring.com
Holding hands is perfect. Do that.
Holding hands three feet apart? BETTER STILL.
If you feel like leaving me a suggestion for another imaginary dating website, that would be awesome. If I get enough good ones, I will post them and we all rejoice in our denial that our kids will ever be big enough to want to date anyone.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

66 comments:

  1. LOL. When I was 9, I had a "boyfriend". He asked me to "go with him", but I said only over Christmas break (when we wouldn't see each other at all) and then we'd have to break up. Good times. Now my own 9 y.o. daughter is always singing "I'm Sexy and I Know It". Ugh. NOT SEXY. NINE. Can't wait to see what "sites" others come up with.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I could have used one similar to the law enforcement one. My dad always told people he works with bombs and knows the right people. It's true in his case, but even if it's not, it's a good threat. I'm dreading the day I have to start worrying about my daughter.

    ReplyDelete
  3. For my son:
    www.IWillNeverGetBetweenYouAndYourMother.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. My husband was Canadian and car-less when we first met. It just meant he became his drunk buddy's Designated Driver. We hung out with Drunk Buddy for a few hours, took him home and then had his car the rest of the weekend. It worked very well! (Maybe you didn't want to hear that)

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  5. How about, "I was born without sexual organs.com?"

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  6. You really don't want your kids hanging with Amish teens as a rule. When I lived in Ohio that was a sign that your kid was in trouble. Amish teens go through Rumbspringa (the Amish version of Spring Break that lasts for several years) and you don't want your kids hanging with them for that. I had a friend that managed a cell phone store and they would only let management work on the Amish kids cell phones because there was so much porn on their phones that the company was worried that hourly employees would sue for sexual harassment if they were exposed to it.

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  7. Future nuns looking for future priests. Get it? Lol. It could work!

    ReplyDelete
  8. We're a 2 mom family, bringing up 2 girls (also 9) on a small farm where we raise and process our own meat. We always say we're going provide the girls small cards to give any prospective boyfriend... one side will have a photo of us, me with my giant cleaver, my wife with her shotgun. The other side will say "Considering dating our daughter? You should call us first." So I'd propose "www.getpastmymoms.com" as a site my kids could might find quality beaus. It would be a good sister site to www.My Dad is in Law Enforcement.com.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is AWESOME!!! I got a visual of the cleaver and the shotgun and almost wet my pants.

      Delete
  9. I have a teenage daughter who just went through the boyfriend thing. We just basically took it very casually as parents. Of course we asked where she was going, etc, but we didn't talk about it much.

    Not to scare you, but Skype, Ooovo and the like are hotbeds for sexual activity. I won't even talk about formspring. One idea for parents of teenagers- keystroke software. You will know everything.

    Who needs a website? Just buy a prop gun and start polishing it if they come around. J/K.. my dad was a HUGE Teamster, Vietnam Vet who was just intense. My own husband has an intense stare and doesn't crack a smile. My husband also works from home- so there is NOT an empty house.

    9 is about the age. 10/5th grade is a proving ground for boyfriends/girlfriends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A keylogger is

      A. a gross violation of any trust you have in your teen.

      B. a huge security risk for both you and your teen.

      C. not a solution to a video/audio chat problem.

      D. not going to be effective if your child knows anything about technology (external keyloggers are easy to spot, software ones should show up in a virus/spyware scan).

      A real solution is to make your child use the computer in a public area, and educate them on why its not OK to do this stuff.

      Delete
    2. On the contrary, wax_eagle, there are several great keyloggers that are invisible unless you have the keystroke password. That's how I caught my cheating husband.

      Delete
  10. www.Mommasboy&proud.com; that way any girl that attempts to date my son will know that I always come first and she's completely okay with that. At least they can both let me think that, even if they don't believe it!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have twin girls. Enought said...hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  12. My friend's husband is a Marine and very adept with guns. My husband is 6'5" and built like a linebacker. If boys can get past those things to our girls, they might very well deserve them.

    ReplyDelete
  13. My kids are 13, 8, and 4 at the time of this comment. The oldest two are girls. A friend posted this "Application for permission to date my daughter".I don't know who wrote this application up, but I am sure that you will want to look this up. It is perfect, and very true. I am printing a few up right now. If you google this application name, you will get quite a few selections. My favorite questions are: Essay section; In 50 words or less, desribe what"DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" means to you. Another is " IF you grow up, what do you want to be?" Well worth the read!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That application is hilarious. My Dad gave it to my (now) Fiance to fill out when we started dating 14 years ago. He got halfway though it, actually pulled out his driver license and put it down... before he realized it was a joke. My Dad "You're kinda dumb son, don't know if I should let you leave with my girl." hahaha Thankfully all these years, and 3 kids later. They get along great. :D

      Delete
  14. The Amish dating site actually exists.

    http://amish-online-dating.com/

    and

    http://www.amishdatingservice.com/

    ReplyDelete
  15. My 9 years old boyfriend is Larry the Cucumber. I encourage relationships with fictional characters, I will happily foot the bill for her future therapy sessions. My fall back position is that the German Shepherd is being trained to spot and eat teenage boys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol I loved this. Need to get a German shepherd now. Btw my bf is still Larry the cucumber.

      Delete
  16. How about "YourParentsAreTeachersInYourHighSchool.com" ?? Worked for my parents! Lol!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my, you just typed my life story!

      Delete
  17. for the girls~ my daddy was in prison and knows how to hide bodies.com

    for the boys~ my mama is a ninja/hairstylist and will stealthily sneak into your room while sleeping and make you hair look like you tried to french a weed whacker.com

    ReplyDelete
  18. How about "10 Foot Pole.com" as in -- There will be a 10 foot pole between you at all times.

    Or...

    Take Me and My Little Brother on a Date.com -- my husband (the youngest of his siblings) said that when he was little, their dad had a rule that if anyone wanted to take one of the girls out, they also had to take my husband along as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The little brother one is my life story! I had to take my brother with me everywhere (he is 10 years younger then me). I was a straight A student and a good girl but I still got pregnant at 16( had been with the guy over a year, unlike a lot of 16 and pregnant stories you hear). I am now 23 with 3 kids and married to their dad. Not the worst ending in the world but also I'm sure it's not the ending you envision for your daughter either. I think the bottom lines is teens are going to date, and most will be having sex. You need to establish a good relationship with your teen and teach them about responsible sex so their are not accidents. I know it's not what parents want to hear but it's reality.

      Delete
  19. We'll be going with "MyDadisaProsecutor.com" for our daughter. And I like the "MommasBoysandProud.com" idea for my sons!

    ReplyDelete
  20. My husband and brother already have it worked out for both my daughter and niece that they will reenact the scene from bad boys 2 when martin lawrence and will smith meet the boy at the door and act all crazy. Should be a good time lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have all boys, but my husband has agreed to do this with his best friend who has a daughter! :)

      Delete
  21. How about www.supercutebutIhaveextremeflatulence.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. Children of military Explosive techs.. i dont know what they are really called. Luckily my daughter is a few years (hopefully 10 years) away from that. My niece has already started dating. We shall have to come up with something unique for this. Your options are hilarious, but the law enforcement may not work, we are a big military/police family from a very military heavy city.. not sure how well that will work here.

    ReplyDelete
  23. My 3 year old already has a "boyfriend", is "in love" with him, and is going to marry him. The poor kid doesn't even know he's engaged. :/

    ReplyDelete
  24. My fiance and I have FIVE boys. We don't stress too much, but we have very frank conversations about drugs, sex, and the damage both of those things can cause to your life- especially if Mommy catches you. Education, the more gross and graphic the better, does wonders. Once you've showed your kids a dripping green penis and explained that "this is what happens if you don't watch where you put your willy" they decide that a group outing to the ice cream shop and skating rink is AWESOME for a date.

    ReplyDelete
  25. www.LeaveRoomForTheHolySpirit.com-- you know, like dancing with a balloon between them?

    My son may date whomever he wants. When he's thirty ;-)

    Maybe we should make up some online exams that our kids have to pass before they're allowed to go on a date. Classes like "All About STDs" or something that teaches them every gross thing possible about the opposite sex. Even grown men *hate* to hear about that time of the month!

    Seriously, though, I'd love to know what other parents' guidelines for dating are, based on their kids' ages. (My son is not even two yet, I'm just thinking down the road). At what age are they officially allowed to date? Or to be alone with their significant other, rather than in a group?

    ReplyDelete
  26. I have friends in the SCA (Society for Creative Anacronism, own swords, and know how to use them. Well. With the right photo (and permission from "Lord of The Rings), I would suggest www.YouShallNotPass.com. If the threat doesn't get them, maybe the geek factor will.

    MamaKat

    ReplyDelete
  27. How about dateswithescorts.com? No...not THAT kind of escort! The kind that walk 2 feet behind you on your date and make sure there are no PDA's beyond hand-holding. Better yet, make that chaparoneddating.com.

    Suddenly the Duggar style of courtship sounds better than the alternative, huh?!?

    ReplyDelete
  28. For my son, fortunately much too young for crushes right now:
    MyDadSeesEverythingIDoOnline.com (Daddy is a software engineer)

    To be completely honest, though, what worked to keep me a virgin was my mom having more kids when I was 9, 10, and 12 (and designating me the "built-in babysitter"). Nothing says "abstinence" like sharing a room with your toddler brother when you're in middle and high school.

    ReplyDelete
  29. How about "SavingMyselfForMarriage.com"? I have a boy, so it's not so much that I worry about the ones he'll date, I worry about his intentions... Let's face it, he's only four now but eventually he'll be a teenage boy...

    ReplyDelete
  30. Gaybutwantingtoplaystraighttilcollege.com?

    ReplyDelete
  31. How about homeschooldates.com My homeschooled kids (15&17)have never been on a one-on-one date. Instead they attend large parties and meet at the mall in droves. Yes, there are parents around.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I only have boys, but I'm already in trouble! Stinky (5) has been caught 'Mawwied kissing' his friend S on the playground at daycare. Apparently it was her idea, but he decided he liked it, so they waited every day until yard time when the teacher weren't watching to go kiss!!!
    Divo (7) has been walking a cute girl to campus club every day after school. He says he doesn't want to touch her and they aren't BF/GF, but it's only a matter of time.

    So, I propose a couple of sites:
    www.MommaGottaGun.com
    www.LoveMeLoveMyMommy.com
    www.BrothersandaMother.com
    www.SunsetCurfews.com

    ReplyDelete
  33. For all the sons out there - arrangedmarriages.com or Ilovemychastitybelt.com???

    ReplyDelete
  34. My husband used to worry about what would happen when our little girl started to get interested in boys... he was planning to get the shotgun and the whole 9 yards. She's 7 now, and apparently she rules the world. We just haven't all figured that out yet... now my husband says he won't need the shotgun, when she brings a guy home, he'll just shake his hand and say " good luck, dude. You're going to need it!"

    ReplyDelete
  35. How about a dating site that even Tobias Funke could get behind? Perhaps www.single-never-nudes.com or even www.gymnophobic-and-looking.com?

    ReplyDelete
  36. I love the dad with the gun - the video is hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  37. My sister found a real site, no joke, called SurvivalistSingles.com and caters to doomsday preppers...like people who live in underground bunkers with six years of food supplies and an arsenal of weapons. NOT a place you'd want your daughter (or son) finding a mate, but it made me laugh that this exists.

    http://money.cnn.com/2012/03/29/pf/doomsday-dating/index.htm?source=cnn_bin

    ReplyDelete
  38. Sheeesh!

    As if a significant percentage of girls could not care less about boys ... as in - because these girls are gay/lesbian. The assumptions of the blogger and all of those posting comments reveal an extremely close minded bunch.

    And what's with all the violence promotion? Shotguns, beefy relatives ready to serve up knuckle sandwiches; it's so backward and rednecky that it's embarrassing.

    Since there is no mention of homicidal fear of lesbian relationships occurring for your daughters, it seems possible that the deepest fear beneath all of this is a fear of pregnancy. RFML readers understand that their kids are going to experiment sexually whatever prohibitions, punishments, lectures, programs, etc. that readers can come up with, don't they? Rather than cower in fear and ready your bouncer quality men for revenge or preemption, why not educate and otherwise prepare the kids for their future sexual life?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. Its meant to be funny
      2. we are all adults here, we all know that violence is not the answer. Again, its a joke!
      3. We're talking about young kids here 9, 10, 11...
      4. Get you facts straight, the gay community remains a minority, additionally Mommies and Daddies care about the character of ANY friend their child has, or at least they should
      5. all the education in the world does not help if a young girl (any girl!)gets raped/molested, etc by a person of less than stellar character
      6. tweens and teens are not, typically, good judges of character, which is why Moms and Dads might need to step in and be an active part of their children's personal lives!
      6. I, for one, certainly do NOT expect that my children will experiment sexually. I expect that they will respect themselves and others enough to know that they should wait for the right time and person, which will reflect back on the content of this family's values!
      So, yeah, educate your kids! Teach them that they should have boundaries, respect, good values, manners, class, and that there is a consequence for every action!

      Delete
    2. 7. Apparently you are new to this website. This is a website for parents to get together with other parents to joke around and get out frustrations and give ideas / suggestions about parenting. We have a pretty laid back attitude and LOVE to use humor to make parenting easier. There are a lot of new people, as well as a lot of people that have been reading this blog for a long time and we also try to be really supportive of each other and insulting comments are not tolerated on this blog. Comments on many websites these days are usually filled with rude and insulting behavior, and this is not that type of website, so if that is the type of social media you are looking for please consider a different blog.
      8. So, as Rachel said, all the gun talk is a joke. However, I have a friend who's daughter got pregnant from a guy who date raped her, so I personally have NO ISSUES mimicking violence (although I would never follow through - I don't even own a gun) to a guy who wants to date my daughter so he will think twice about any evil intentions he may have. If he has no evil intentions, then he has nothing to worry about.
      9. I love this comments and I live in the city, so I don't see it as a redneck thing. I see it as a "I love my kids and will do anything to protect them" thing.
      10. I'm not sure why you are bringing up lesbian relationships??
      11. My children, and many of the parents I know, believe in waiting until they are married. I did it and many of my friends waited. Many of my friends also, DIDN'T wait, I am not ignorant to this reality. But, regardless of the media these days, some kids actually hold to these types of values.
      11. Feel free to post your own ideas for websites: such as you need to include lesbian relationships or whatever you want to reflect your open minded attitude, but please save your bashing for a different blog.

      Delete
  39. I'm not worried about it. Dating. I think I'd be MORE worried if my daughter never had any romantic interests and never got to experience "dating" as a young person. I guess I'm weird. I have no intention to threaten or intimidate the boys or girls who come by to pick my daughter up. I will take it as a sign of good character that they like her. And yes, I will worry about her making good choices, but at a certain point, she's her own person and I have to let her do what she wants and learn from it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree. We talk very openly with our 12 year old. We're not naive in thinking that he will wait until marriage to have sex or only date one person. Teaching about safety and consequences is the key! The more a parent tries to control every step their child takes, the more the child will rebel. I know this from my own experience as a teen.

      Delete
  40. Mommyhasabadtemper&daddyhasashotgun.com That was my family!! -Malk

    ReplyDelete
  41. My husband's suggestions are: MeetMySmithandWesson.com and ChastityBelt.com. This is hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I don't think anyone here is actually advocating use of violence or guns, and that the vast majority of people recognize that their children will eventually grow into (hopefully) wise adults that make good choices. It seems that all of this is in good, clean fun and a fun way to keep from losing our schmidt as our kids grow up and into some very nervous territory!

    ReplyDelete
  43. www.mydadsinspecialforces.com - He already knows all about you, don't even bother to try.

    ReplyDelete
  44. My daughter is only 3 months but we have a baseball bat by the front door (hubby is too lazy to put it away). I figure it will be there when she starts dating. Also, my brother is a cop
    However, we were at swimming one day and my little darling girl was stark naked smiling and cooing at the naked little boy who was on the next change table. I am a little worried!

    ReplyDelete
  45. In 8th grade, all my daughter wanted was a boyfriend. And all the boys wanted was to play Star Wars with her little brother. I told her it will be this way THE REST OF HER LIFE.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Dear GOD NO! NO Amish dating website! NO NO NO!!!!! You've never heard of Rumspringa have you?!? Amish teens party VERY VERY hard before they make a choice to join the community as an adult. They are expected to sow some oats before they settle down. TROUBLE on wheels! Google it, sistas!

    ReplyDelete
  47. www.thecoyoteswontevenbeabletofindyou.com
    www.mommysoffhermeds.com
    www.feelingluckypunk.com
    www.sheslikehermother.com
    www.youhavetosleepsometime.com
    www.daddyisnttheoneyouhavetoworryabout.com

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  48. I have 15 year old girl/boy twins. I am banking on the fact that my son has a black belt and plays on the O line for the football team. Could be an interesting site... My dad used the line "Boy, take a look at that (pointed to my mother) and run." This was right after my mother pulled his car out the ditch in front of our house by grabbing the bumper to his car and saying "give it some gas!" He stuck around and I married him. Good times.

    ReplyDelete
  49. www.whata50caldoestoabody.com
    www.justlikemomma.com
    www.lovemelovemyhorses.com (there is no better babysitter for a teenager than a horse... leaves ZERO TIME for dating)

    ReplyDelete
  50. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should she ever be able to watch Friday Night Lights. My husband and I are just starting it (I know, WHERE have I been) and Tim Riggins is terrifying. Mostly because he is so beautiful, I want to cry--but also because he makes me giddy, and I am a 35-year old woman whose hormones are almost dried up. I can't imagine what he would do to a teenage girl.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete

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