Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Doctor Kate Is In...And Also, Out

Hi girls...

So, as you maybe could tell for the past few days weeks months [Months? - Kate] [Yes, stupid. MONTHS. Gah. - Lydia] my attendance here in MommyLand has been a *little bit* non-existent. In the way that Lydia says that I have a *little bit* of an interest in shoes. 

We know we've told you so many times that things were getting busy -- oh that sounded porny didn't it? -- and that it was getting harder and harder *snort* to find the proper balance between home and McLovin and the IHPs and the Geriatric Gimpy Beagle (yes, he still lives, despite all medical reasons that he shouldn't...stupid science) all the other lovely little timesucks that invade on an all-too-often basis.  

Two-and-a-half years ago when we started this venture, we had no idea where it would go or what it would lead to. But after an almost book deal, a wildly fun and funny Domestic Enemies series, far too many television moments devoted to saying totally absurd things, the most awesome hooker project in the history of ever right up until last week when the Secret Service totally outdid us. [Thanks a lot Secret Service. Now we have to go even more global - Kate] and thousands of pages of posts, comments and stupidity that we are actually binding into a book, it's come time for me to relinquish my co-writer post.

Now, hold on a sec. Before you think it's all over, wait just a tic. I'm so not gone-gone. I'm just -- ummm, graduating. Totally. Lydia has bestowed me with a Mommy Emeritus status. It's like a Doctorate of Whacktacularity. A veritable PhD of Jackhole-i-ness. It means fancy letter after my name. And charging people to talk to me. And giving advice on crap that I know nothing about. It means I get to act like an ever bigger pain in the arse for Lydia because I can write and tweet and be stupid on the internet, but without the responsibility. Wait. Nooooo. But yes, sorta.

What it really does mean is that Lydia has done some epically awesome things that she wants to keep pursuing, and -- as we've all learned here in MommyLand -- friendships morph and change to keep up with what we need when we need it. Kinda like how our pants magically get bigger in the assular areas. And with Lydia fully taking the reins of MommyLand, you all will still get to enjoy all the stupidity that you've come to expect from the two of us, Lydia gets to help RFML morph and change and I get to be that bigger ass. Wait -- what?
 
Stupid Lydia. Talking about pants.

You know at the end of Romancing the Stone when they've defeated the bad guys and Joan is there with her sister and Jack Colton says "OK I gotta go"?


And then he says, "You're gonna be just fine. You always were." And then he swandives bellyflops off the wall? See, Lydia...you did this amazing thing. I got to go on this great adventure with you and find this incredible treasure and maybe even defeat some bad guys -- remember the ones who were trying to thwart the London Olympics. We totally got them. And that rat bastard squirrel who was stealing your tomatoes. And the sink that wasn't a ponytail haircut. Thwarted. All of them.

And, we'll still be here for the big things [that's what she said] like the Annual T-Box Taste Test and Helping Hookers and we even have an epic little something planned for Mother's Day that will once again flaunt our ability to take anything lovely and charming and make it sound porny and inappropriate.

Lydia, you and Guru Louise saved me when I was lost and off balance and my funny had gone to Maui and got a wicked sunburn and then got some sand rubbed in it. You listened and made me laugh and let me cry like a stupid girl and even hugged. Hugged! And I love you both like cake and always will and now I'm going to get some pom-poms and cheer like a banshee murthurfurker for you guys.

You're gonna be just fine, Lydia Coupon. You always were.

And if real life is anything like the movies -- and it is -- you're totally due to write your biggest bestseller. And that's when I'll show up. In a new pair of shoes. Crocodile ones.

xoxo Kate
Dr. Kate McLovin PhD, WK, TWSS, Esquire, M.D.


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

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