Hi and waving! It's Lydia and Louise! Did you have a good Memorial Day weekend?! We missed you!
[[[awkwardly long internet hug]]]
So we need your advice because we are very confused about something important. It's almost the end of the school year and it's time to buy presents for our kids' teachers.
We love our teachers and we want to do something nice for them but at the same time, we don't want to (and also can't afford to) go over board.
So now what?
Do you do the gift from the whole class? If so, does it have to be some Pinterest-perfect type of craft project that we are not able to properly execute? Also, what do you do if there's an assistant teacher? Do you just get them the same thing? And are the rules different depending on how old your kid is?
If you are a teacher - what do you really want? What has been your favorite gift? What is a gift that shows appreciation in a reasonable way? Some of us can afford a little something but some of us can't. What do you suggest for the people who really can't?
We all know you deserve a $1,000 Nieman Marcus gift certificate delivered by a shirtless Ryan Gosling but since I have three kids, a limited income and the judge says I have to stop "pestering" Ryan, that is really just out of the question. I'm very sorry.
Are cookies OK? Or is that cheap? What about flowers? Or a plant? What about a Target gift card and a really nice note? Would a box of wine be weird? Probably yes. Especially if my first grader had to fit it in his backpack.
We have no idea. Please help us.
xo, Lydia & Louise
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012
Pages
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
The Happiest and Best YouTube Video Ever
Only the best video ever that will make you cry tears of HAPPY, HAPPY JOYFULNESS.
Yes. That actually happened.
Well done, Isaac. You're a wonderful persona and a total romantic bad ass.
xo, Lydia
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
Yes. That actually happened.
Well done, Isaac. You're a wonderful persona and a total romantic bad ass.
xo, Lydia
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
The Mother Pucker Stuffing Party Wrap Up
Please note that Kate is wearing Jimmy Choos. Also note that Lydia is wearing clogs. This was not planned. The only thing missing here is Guru Louise (cue the sound of stifled sobbing). |
And we thought it would take 4 hours and that we would have to empty the meager Rants from Mommyland bank account to do it. We were done in an hour and a half. And we had enough stuff left over to make donations to the all 6 shelters. And each bag was HEAVY because it had so much stuff and so much LOVE in it.
Then after we cleaned everything up, and folded up all the chairs, and loaded up the gift bags, and made sure there were no empty Capri Suns packets left on the playground - we went to Kate's house and drank in her carport because we are classy, classy motherpuckers.
So, I have to admit something... I cried pretty much the entire time. I cried because there were people there who were forgoing their first ever Mother's Day gift in order to help others. I sobbed when I met someone who had been helped at Christmas (by one of you) and now wanted to pay it forward. I cried when people I have only seen on Facebook or in the comments section walked into the room and hugged me in real life.
I cried when people gave us amazing things. Like this:
These are 100 handmade Mother's Day cards. That my friend Ann made with her daughter because she wanted each mom to have something personal in each bag.
Our friend Rebekah, from Mom in a Million drove from Maryland about a million months pregnant with her adorable son. THANK YOU. People came and brought their precious, beautiful babies and let me hold them so I could smell their heads. So many people came through for us. Here's a really important one:
This is Meghan. She is made of awesome and extremely special and can do anything. I'm not even kidding. With adequate resources and enough coffee, she could straighten Afghanistan out in about 3 days. She is amazing and knows how to make things happen. Kate and I are so clueless. We know how to plan things and then not execute them properly. So we asked Meghan to be our executor and she said yes. THANK YOU, Meghan. We couldn't have done it without you.
I feel the need to say THANK YOU again and again. This experience has left Kate, Louise and I feeling profoundly grateful. We are very lucky in our personal lives. Thank you, husbands, for being awesome. We are doubly blessed to have each other and a group of friends who are kind and generous. It wasn't that long ago that I didn't have any friends, so trust me when I tell you that I am very grateful for this.
It even got written up in a local paper! The reporter was ADORABLE and I wanted to suck her into Mommyland immediately but I was scared she was think that was weird so I tried to act like a professional grown-up type person which probably accounts for why she spoke mostly to Kate.
We're grateful for all of you. We're part of a community that makes jokes about douche-nozzles and junk-punching and still makes time to help other moms. We got an email over the weekend and it had me crying all over again, because of the awesomeness of MommyLand. THANK YOU.
I wanted to let you know that you also inspired me to put together 'loot bags' for the moms at our local women and children's shelter. While I dropped the ball on getting this project started in time (procrastination strikes again!) and was not able to get together bags for the 68 mothers in the transitional apartments, I did manage to put together care packages for the 13 moms who are currently residing in the shelter. And I already have committed donations for *next* year, so that we can get *all* the moms covered.xo, Lydia, Kate & Guru LouiseIt is such a simple thought and we are even people who actively volunteer in other areas of the community, and yet I would not have thought to do this -- nor definitely have been spurred to actually do it after having the thought -- without the fact that you guys banded together to get it done as well. You've started a great thing that will (at least here, on our end) be going forward and continuing for years to come.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

Thursday, May 17, 2012
Stories from Mother's Day
We wanted to share some of the amazing emails and stories we've gotten as a result of the Mother's Pucker project. Here goes:
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Just read the post about clean birth kits. I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago and if I can't have a baby (right now) I want more than anything for some other mamas on the other side of the world to be able to, safely. I just made a donation World Birth Aid.
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[Editor's Note: I personally think this letter is the best mother's day gift any mom could ever get - especially this one, who sounds so incredible.]
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This has been a really hard year for my family. We have 3 small children and in the past 6 months 2 of my kids have been diagnosed with special needs (Aspergers and PDD) and my oldest has been on full blown mental breakdown causing us to have to consider admitting him into a mental hospital. Our finances are drained from therapies, dr appts and medicines. My husband and I are just clinging to each other and trying to survive and help our kids! I don't need anything really..maybe just a letter and a hug!!! Thank you for doing this!
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Just finished putting together 100 CLEAN BIRTH KITS w/ 4 fellow mommies. They are packed and ready to mail to Adriel! Thanks to RFML for raising our awareness while keeping us laughing (& sane)!
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Hello,
I'd love to get a Mom to help, and I'd like to nominate someone.
This may sound weird, but I'm nominating the BioMom. My boyfriend and I moved in together in November, after they were separated. Understandably, the mother of my boyfriend's six year old daughter isn't too happy about all this. Even though she admits that they aren't right for each other, she didn't sign on for the gig of having her daughter by herself every other week.
I think she resents that my boyfriend, has me to help him with his six year old (and the light of my life), which is fully understandable.
During our week before Mother's Day, we're going to take her out to buy something nice for her Mommy (we're thinking a build a bear Horse with her little voice saying "You're the best Mommy Ever, I love you"), but when I read this post I was thinking that it would be nice for her to get some recognition from another Mom, so she knows she's not as alone as she thinks.
If it's possible, I'd like to remain anonymous. As you can imagine, she hates my guts, and anything I get or give is tossed in the trash, so I don't want my name spoiling Mother's Day for her.
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I am one of the blessed who received a Starbucks gift card from one of your awesome mommies, plus a card that read "No, really. HIDE. I will find you."...And the most pseudo-sadistic smile on a sweet 1950's mommy face talking to her boy. PERFECT!!! I can't even thank you all enough. It inspired me to write a letter to my sister-in-law who is becoming a mommy for the first time, encouraging her to let all her cracks hang out:
http://
Note from Lydia: Her post is BEAUTIFUL. And to say this woman deserved some extra love after the year she's had is an understatement. Housefire, lost everything - including their dog. A week later she had her fourth child in five years. His name is Phoenix. This family is special.
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Dear Mommyland Mother Puckers,
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
I just wanted to take the time to thank you for your Mother Pucker project!
Dearest Ladies,
Thank you so much for organizing the Mother Pucker Project. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I spent the entire day together, changing names on accounts, car titles, etc. We went through our house with notebooks and wrote down who gets what. We capped the day off with a trip to marriage counseling, which is now entitled "Please Help Us Not to Kill Each Other and Ruin Our Children Through This" counseling. It was a two hour session.
He asked for the divorce. I don't want it. He doesn't love me anymore. I am still crazy about him. We had a perfectly cordial, albeit difficult day. When we returned to my home to drop him off at his car, all I wanted was for him to tell me that today's reality had shocked some sense back into him and that he still loved me and what was he thinking. *sigh* He got in his truck and drove away. I held in the tears until I made it inside the house and then I sobbed. I'm alone. He doesn't love me. I have been rejected.
And then.
I saw a pretty package, covered in butterflies, postmarked Houston, TX. Inside it was a lovely card and some beautiful jewelry. No one ever buys me jewelry.
Please send my thanks to Danielle, who sadly didn't include her address so that I could thank her myself. The reminder that I am loved when I am feeling so unloved was priceless.
-A mommy
When I read the blog entry about taking Mothers day back it really upset me... I was all teary and bleary thinking about all the Moms I knew that could use a pick me up from someone who understood.
My nephew was born 7 months ago with a severe form of Spina Bifida and very rare complications with it. He has been in the hospital his entire life. Now I think being a Mom any day of the week is hard, but being a Mom that has to divide her day between a three year old, a husband, a dog and taking care of a baby struggling for his life in the hospital- well that is just crazy hard. My sister in law has a strength, poise and grace. She is a fierce advocate for my nephew's care. She knows more medical jargon than a 3rd year medical student. She is truly amazing.
So to make a long story shorter- after I read your blog I decided that I wanted to make 20 or so little gift bags for the mothers of kids in the children's hospital where my nephew is. These mothers stuck in the hospital on Mother's day are courageous, their strength is the glue holding things together. I wanted to help lift them up a little bit. A few of my wonderful friends got wind and decided to help. We put together 40 bigger bags with hand written notes.
I dropped the bags off on Sunday and had enough for all the Moms on my Nephew's floor and the NICU (where he spent the first 3 months of his life).
It was my best Mother's Day ever.
Thanks!
B
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Dearest Ladies,
Thank you so much for organizing the Mother Pucker Project. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I spent the entire day together, changing names on accounts, car titles, etc. We went through our house with notebooks and wrote down who gets what. We capped the day off with a trip to marriage counseling, which is now entitled "Please Help Us Not to Kill Each Other and Ruin Our Children Through This" counseling. It was a two hour session.
He asked for the divorce. I don't want it. He doesn't love me anymore. I am still crazy about him. We had a perfectly cordial, albeit difficult day. When we returned to my home to drop him off at his car, all I wanted was for him to tell me that today's reality had shocked some sense back into him and that he still loved me and what was he thinking. *sigh* He got in his truck and drove away. I held in the tears until I made it inside the house and then I sobbed. I'm alone. He doesn't love me. I have been rejected.
And then.
I saw a pretty package, covered in butterflies, postmarked Houston, TX. Inside it was a lovely card and some beautiful jewelry. No one ever buys me jewelry.
Please send my thanks to Danielle, who sadly didn't include her address so that I could thank her myself. The reminder that I am loved when I am feeling so unloved was priceless.
-A mommy
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I received an anonymous gift card this past Christmas ... my family & I are in a much better place and I want to pay it forward.
Go ahead and hook me up!
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Lovely Funny Ladies,
Yesterday, I felt like punching a whole lot of the world in the face. I was dismayed that so much hate and ignorance continues to manifest itself in our country and that those people have enough of a majority to take their internal issues and force effects on others. I won't go too 'rabble rabble' because the point is, your project has helped me move past the "punching people in the face" part.
As soon as I read about your project, I knew I wanted to do something for our local domestic violence shelter here in the Florida Panhandle. When my husband and I do have the time, money, and resources; it is the chief cause we support. I grew up in an abusive home and my Momma never felt she had the support to leave. My childhood had made me who I am and I am a big believer in finding the blessings in everything; now I have a safe happy home, a wonderfully kind supportive husband, and a beautiful little girl who I know will always see her home as a safe haven. I want to use my experience to ensure as many Mommas out there DO have support and I want to set the example for my daughter that she can make a difference in so many small ways.
I forwarded out the details (somewhat censored! :)) of the Mother Pucker project to my work folk. As donations to Shelter House filled up the box in my office, I felt a little better about the world. And in delivering it with my family tomorrow, I will feel a little better again. This is much much more a gift for me than I could have every realized.
Thanks for filling the world with a little more love,
M
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Love.the.blog.
Totally inspired by the "project", I called up my favorite gal at the bank who supports crazy schemes to help people, told her about it, she said; "will $150 help?". I was like whoa, yeah, totally! My husband is throwing in $150, too. So I thought...AWESOME! I can do this! Then, with my nine year old in tow, and a track meet to get to, I dashed to the homeless shelter (not a big town) and offered my services as the "Mother's Day fairy godmother?". They were THRILLED, we got a tour of the facility, met some moms and got down to business. I said things like "what do you need?". They said "tampons and mini pads". I cried. Then I said " how many people live here"? 25. Twenty-five women, with their children live in this facility.
Well, my $300 isn't gonna cut it.... But I KNOW people, and the people I know were saaaddd when I told them about the tampon thing, and we are on our way to the new goal of $600. So, Hookers, I'm not asking y'all for money, I'm working the locals to pony up the dough. I just wanted y'all to know, that I'm grateful for the work that you do and for inspiring me to take action.
I'll make sure they get the "personal items" but, I guarantee, they will get some lipgloss too!
Thank you, thank you,
Michelle Versteeg
Totally inspired by the "project", I called up my favorite gal at the bank who supports crazy schemes to help people, told her about it, she said; "will $150 help?". I was like whoa, yeah, totally! My husband is throwing in $150, too. So I thought...AWESOME! I can do this! Then, with my nine year old in tow, and a track meet to get to, I dashed to the homeless shelter (not a big town) and offered my services as the "Mother's Day fairy godmother?". They were THRILLED, we got a tour of the facility, met some moms and got down to business. I said things like "what do you need?". They said "tampons and mini pads". I cried. Then I said " how many people live here"? 25. Twenty-five women, with their children live in this facility.
Well, my $300 isn't gonna cut it.... But I KNOW people, and the people I know were saaaddd when I told them about the tampon thing, and we are on our way to the new goal of $600. So, Hookers, I'm not asking y'all for money, I'm working the locals to pony up the dough. I just wanted y'all to know, that I'm grateful for the work that you do and for inspiring me to take action.
I'll make sure they get the "personal items" but, I guarantee, they will get some lipgloss too!
Thank you, thank you,
Michelle Versteeg
Update a few days later: Ok. This is the deal.. We raised 525 bucks! We were able to purchace; a sturdy bag (and its cute) mascara! Pens, panty liners, lip gloss, hair ties, writing pads, socks, body wash, lotion, McDondalds coupons!
So So So happy to do this! Thank you for the inspiration! You*re awesome! Love to Kate and Lou, too! When this is over.. I'm tappin the T box, well... Probably a little before? Love, M
So So So happy to do this! Thank you for the inspiration! You*re awesome! Love to Kate and Lou, too! When this is over.. I'm tappin the T box, well... Probably a little before? Love, M
Just read the post about clean birth kits. I had a miscarriage a couple of weeks ago and if I can't have a baby (right now) I want more than anything for some other mamas on the other side of the world to be able to, safely. I just made a donation World Birth Aid.
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Hi there,
I'd like to nominate my mother.
She gave birth to 6 children. In fact, when my older sister was in 2nd
grade, my next oldest sister was in kindergarten, my sister after that was in
preschool, I was still at home with her all day, and next younger brother was 1
and my youngest brother was 3 months. The teacher asked my oldest
sister's class what their mommies and daddies did. When it was her
turn, my sister answered, "My daddy is a police man, and my mommy changes
diapers."
She taped every Mr. Roger's opera for us to watch later.
She made cakes from scratch, like sifting the flour and waiting until the
butter was ro om temperature. She mediated how many turns we all had to
stir because heaven forbid that someone would get to go three and a half turns
around the bowl, and everyone else only got one. When she divided up
jelly beans at Easter time, not only did she count them (instead of just
throwing in handfuls like I would have done), she counted every flavor in the
bag and made sure everyone got 9 lemon and 4 cherry, etc. She has spent
approximately 1 million hours teaching us how to do long division.
She made flash cards for every math fact, every multiplication table, every
spelling word, every science definition, and quizzed us every night.
I don't
think she ever watched a television show that didn't have a cartoon or a
puppet in it for decades. She has suffered through years of dance
recitals and said I was good, even when I wasn't. She has covered a
bazillion school books in clear contact, and mastered it. No bubbles,
wrinkles, or lines. Every August, in hot, humid, sticky Philadelphia weather,
she did the "Great Uniform Migration." Every blouse, jumper, tie, and knee
socks, gym shorts, polo shirt, and pants got tried on, pinned and hemmed
for the next child in line. As we complained that it was hot, and we wiggled
when she tickled our ankles pinning the pants, wanting to do anything, but
think of school. My mother is the only mother I know who got genuinely
sad at the end of August. She loved being home with us. (I know. I
know.
I work part time at a daycare, and I love that I can give them
back at the end of the day.) She made the best pony tails. She put the
character sheets on upside down on the bed so we could look at them properly as
we were falling asleep. (The care bears would be facing us.) We tested her
patience all of the time. Yet, she rarely showed it. Once, she broke
her ankle by tripping on the barbie dolls that we refused to put away, and I
felt guilty. (Imagine suffering through, cooking, laundry, dishes,
getting kids ready for school, walking the kids to and from school, giving
baths, all on crutches.) She introduced me to Little Women and Anne of
Green Gables. (To this day, I swear I won't settle for anyone who isn't
as charming and smart as Gilbert, as inspiring as Laurie, and I might
(much to her horror), name my first child Phenias.
My mother is the kindest,
most principled person I know. (Everyone says that about their mom, but
really, there is no one more selfless, no one who has a kinder nature, or a
gentler soul.) My mother doesn't think she's special. She doesn't
think she's smart. She doesn't feel very pretty. And, indeed, she
is all of these things. My mother has chronic lung disease and congestive
heart failure. She's always worried that she hasn't done enough
for us. She has given up everything for us. This mother's day project is
perfect because my mom doesn't get suprised often, and maybe someone else
saying thank you will make her realize how valuable and important and selfless
her job was.
[Editor's Note: I personally think this letter is the best mother's day gift any mom could ever get - especially this one, who sounds so incredible.]
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This has been a really hard year for my family. We have 3 small children and in the past 6 months 2 of my kids have been diagnosed with special needs (Aspergers and PDD) and my oldest has been on full blown mental breakdown causing us to have to consider admitting him into a mental hospital. Our finances are drained from therapies, dr appts and medicines. My husband and I are just clinging to each other and trying to survive and help our kids! I don't need anything really..maybe just a letter and a hug!!! Thank you for doing this!
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Just finished putting together 100 CLEAN BIRTH KITS w/ 4 fellow mommies. They are packed and ready to mail to Adriel! Thanks to RFML for raising our awareness while keeping us laughing (& sane)!
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Hello,
I'd love to get a Mom to help, and I'd like to nominate someone.
This may sound weird, but I'm nominating the BioMom. My boyfriend and I moved in together in November, after they were separated. Understandably, the mother of my boyfriend's six year old daughter isn't too happy about all this. Even though she admits that they aren't right for each other, she didn't sign on for the gig of having her daughter by herself every other week.
I think she resents that my boyfriend, has me to help him with his six year old (and the light of my life), which is fully understandable.
During our week before Mother's Day, we're going to take her out to buy something nice for her Mommy (we're thinking a build a bear Horse with her little voice saying "You're the best Mommy Ever, I love you"), but when I read this post I was thinking that it would be nice for her to get some recognition from another Mom, so she knows she's not as alone as she thinks.
If it's possible, I'd like to remain anonymous. As you can imagine, she hates my guts, and anything I get or give is tossed in the trash, so I don't want my name spoiling Mother's Day for her.
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I am one of the blessed who received a Starbucks gift card from one of your awesome mommies, plus a card that read "No, really. HIDE. I will find you."...And the most pseudo-sadistic smile on a sweet 1950's mommy face talking to her boy. PERFECT!!! I can't even thank you all enough. It inspired me to write a letter to my sister-in-law who is becoming a mommy for the first time, encouraging her to let all her cracks hang out:
http:// www.trinitywilbourn.com/home/ 2012/5/13/ a-letter-to-my-sister-as-she-be comes-a-mommy-for-the-first-t. html
Note from Lydia: Her post is BEAUTIFUL. And to say this woman deserved some extra love after the year she's had is an understatement. Housefire, lost everything - including their dog. A week later she had her fourth child in five years. His name is Phoenix. This family is special.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kate, Lydia, et al.,
I read RFML every morning over
my sesame bagel and vat of diet coke. You help me start my day in a
positive and humorous way and I thank you for that because I'm a
miserable whucked up crank in the morning.
I took part in the HHP in
December. At the time I helped out a mother named S---- in Arkansas. At
the time I was in a great place. I had a husband, a super adorable son
named, my health, a good job, etc...nothing to B&M about.
Sadly, earlier this year (actually two days before my birthday to be
exact) I found out my husband had been involved with another woman. It
had been going on for 5 months. She was 19 and a college student. YAY
Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We decided to try and work
things out because of our son and from my perspective because I had no
savings and no where to go if I left. We've spent the last month in
therapy working on our respective issues and trying to reconnect.
Last
Friday I received a strange email from a woman trying to figure out if
the guy she was seeing was actually married. I found out yesterday that
she had been dating my husband since December. How the man managed to
have not one but TWO girlfriends and a wife at the same time is
completely beyond me, but he did. Discovering this has given me the
strength to do what I should have done a month ago and find an attorney
and ask him to leave. I still have no savings and I'm not sure how I'm
going to navigate the waters ahead in the coming months, but I'm praying
I can find the strength to do it, if not for me then for my son. So
needless to say, my birthday blew chunks and I expect Mother's Day will
be just as bad.
I hate asking for help, but would you please put me on
the list and send a mental junk punch to that mother pucker I'm married
to?
Thanks ladies.
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Dear Mommyland Mother Puckers,
At
Christmas, someone who was kind and generous and sweet helped hook me
up with just a little something so I could make Christmas a little
special for my family. We are in a better situation right now and I want
to pay it forward and help another Mother out. Please hook me to some
mother who would like to get a little love and appreciation from a
mother who totally understands.
Thanks a million for being fabulous and stylish
models of what being a mom really means (compassionate, kindness, a
whole lot of schmidt losing mother pucking hookers).
xo
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Thank you Thank you Thank you.
We are so grateful to all of you for doing this with us.
xo, Lydia, Kate & Louise
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Mommyland Babysitter Application

This was my first time hiring a regular caregiver for my kids and I found the whole process really intimidating and annoying. We’ve had plenty of date night babysitters in the last four years, but they had all been recommended by friends. This time I put an ad up on a major sitter search engine site, crossed my fingers, and hoped for the best.
I’m sorry to report I had several very discouraging responses. The first woman I interviewed was very nice but her interview revealed she had absolutely no experience with kids. None. Sorry, that’s not gonna fly.
The next interview went well and I was feeling really good about her until I asked for references and she made up three different excuses for why she couldn’t give me any. You’re out.
Then I eventually hired a woman who showed up for her first day and 5 minutes before I left for work she said, “Um is it OK if my boyfriend stops by to hang out while I’m here?” Whaaaaa? I basically looked really constipated and told her, no, not this time but that we’d talk about it in the future. Then I told Lydia about it and she was like, “NO. NEVER, EVER, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. NOOOOOO.”
Finally I ended up hiring this wonderful young woman who seems to be a pretty damn good fit for us. She is sweet and patient and fun. But she just told me she’s going to start nannying full-time for another family come July so she won’t be able to watch my kids one day a week anymore. DANG IT!
So I’m going to start searching again…and that got me thinking that I could save myself a lot of energy and cut through a lot of bullschmidt if I just posted my own custom application on Sittercity. And then I told Lydia about this and she was totally on-board so together we made a pretty kickass application.
You may think our standards are a bit high...but you see, while we may not be the picture of perfect motherhood ourselves, we feel we have the right to be very picky about who comes into our homes to watch our children. They are our precious, beloved kidlets...obviously we're going to screw them up...but to PAY someone ELSE to screw them up?! Oh, hellz no.
Without further ado:
2. Age:
3. Age of your actual maturity level:
4. Number of years caring for children:
5. Number of years caring for children who drove you to drink wine from a box:
6. Do you like to play outside? If so, are you willing to lie on the sidewalk while my daughter draws a chalk outline of your body, making you feel like a homicide victim?
7. Do you like to do craft projects? How good are you at getting Sharpie off things in my house?
8. How many Wiggles albums have you smashed or ‘accidentally’ thrown out the car window?
9. How many times have you threatened to vacuum up all the stray toys left on the floor?
10. Do you have a boyfriend? If so, is he castrated?
11. If a sex offender approached my children while they were in your care, you would:
a. Go all crazy tigress and rip him into small chunks
b. Run away screaming in terror and then later remember you left the kids on the playground
c. Be like "Hi Uncle Fred"
12. Do you smoke? (Bearing in mind that I have the olfactory prowess of a bloodhound and will know if you're lying.)
14. Do you have any enemies that may want to kill you or anything?
15. If I were to say, friend you on Facebook right now, would I see any pictures of you drinking Bud Light from a can while making out with someone and/or throwing gang signs and/or showing off your jugs?
Or would I find any posts or tweets like: I'm super late to work AGAIN #latenightwithmyboo
#bonghitsareawesome #sohungover #stillalittledrunk
16. Do you have access to your own vehicle? If so, does it smell like old cheese and dirty diapers? If not, can I borrow it?
18. Do you feel the overwhelming need to pick up after kids, fold laundry and/or leave spaces cleaner than how you found them? If yes, please disregard the 17 prior questions. You’re hired.
You may think our standards are a bit high...but you see, while we may not be the picture of perfect motherhood ourselves, we feel we have the right to be very picky about who comes into our homes to watch our children. They are our precious, beloved kidlets...obviously we're going to screw them up...but to PAY someone ELSE to screw them up?! Oh, hellz no.
Without further ado:
Mommyland Babysitter Application
1. Name:2. Age:
3. Age of your actual maturity level:
4. Number of years caring for children:
5. Number of years caring for children who drove you to drink wine from a box:
6. Do you like to play outside? If so, are you willing to lie on the sidewalk while my daughter draws a chalk outline of your body, making you feel like a homicide victim?
7. Do you like to do craft projects? How good are you at getting Sharpie off things in my house?
8. How many Wiggles albums have you smashed or ‘accidentally’ thrown out the car window?
9. How many times have you threatened to vacuum up all the stray toys left on the floor?
10. Do you have a boyfriend? If so, is he castrated?
11. If a sex offender approached my children while they were in your care, you would:
a. Go all crazy tigress and rip him into small chunks
b. Run away screaming in terror and then later remember you left the kids on the playground
c. Be like "Hi Uncle Fred"
12. Do you smoke? (Bearing in mind that I have the olfactory prowess of a bloodhound and will know if you're lying.)
13. Would you be willing to take a drug test and submit to a background check? (Because you're a stranger and these are my kids and as much as they will MAKE you want to do drugs, you really shouldn't while also watching them because the small one is wily).
14. Do you have any enemies that may want to kill you or anything?
15. If I were to say, friend you on Facebook right now, would I see any pictures of you drinking Bud Light from a can while making out with someone and/or throwing gang signs and/or showing off your jugs?
Or would I find any posts or tweets like: I'm super late to work AGAIN #latenightwithmyboo
#bonghitsareawesome #sohungover #stillalittledrunk
16. Do you have access to your own vehicle? If so, does it smell like old cheese and dirty diapers? If not, can I borrow it?
17. Do you have references? Note: No, your former college roommate pretending to be a former employer does not count as a reference.
18. Do you feel the overwhelming need to pick up after kids, fold laundry and/or leave spaces cleaner than how you found them? If yes, please disregard the 17 prior questions. You’re hired.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Conversations with a Three Year Old
My daughter Mini is three years old and is a precious little cupcake baked by the devil. Here are some of the conversations I’ve had with her lately. Including questions. Questions that no sane person can answer.
Mini: You know Mr. Jones who lives in da house right dere?
Me: Yes.
Mini: Why does he look like a person?
Me: Because he is a person.
Mini: I'm skeptical.
Me: ??
Mini: I am.
Me: ??
Mini: BUT WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE A PERSON?!
Me: Because he is a person.
Mini: Oh.
When she says “oh” it sounds like this:“eau”. And also it’s about ten syllables long. I adore hearing her say “oh”. It’s like listening to a bored Frenchman. Who is 3 and looks like a Carebear.
The next day…
Me: No.
Mini: (crestfallen and forlorn) Oh.
Me: Are you disappointed?
Mini: (incredulous that I would even have to ask) YES. I am. Yes....
(Sigh followed by long pause)
Mini: I miss Bob.
Me: But we don't...
Mini: I KNOW. And I miss him.
With her father at the Wegmans…
Mini: Why does that man have a bucket on his head?
Cap’n: (scared to looked. Sighs in relief as sees person in question is in fact a man) That’s not a bucket, that’s a chef’s hat.
Mini: Oh.
Cap’n: You look skeptical.
Mini: It looks like a bucket. Made of paper.
Cap’n: It’s a hat.
Mini: A paper bucket is not smart.
Cap’n: Good point.
Mini: A paper hat is good, though.
Cap’n: Yes.
Mini: Just not that one because it looks like a bucket.
(stares in scorn at the chef who seems confused and alarmed as to what he had done to make her so angry)
Doing dishes in the kitchen, looking out the window at the back yard where Mini is playing. Upon hearing maniacal laughter, I ask:
Me: Mini, is everything all right out there?
Mini: Yes! I’m just playing wif my fwiend.
Me: Is your friend a toy?
Mini: No, he’s a person. I love him and he’s my baby. WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: ??
(I decide to go outside)
Mini: STAY ON THE SWING, CALLITO.
Me: What's going on?
Mini: I SAID STAY ON THE SWING, CALLITO.
Me: Who is Callito? Where is Callito? (I look around nervously, expecting a small boy wearing a rescue pack and accompanied by a baby jaguar or something)
Mini: He's right here. He keeps falling off the swing. ON PURPOSE.
Me: Callito is a rock?
Mini: No. Callito is a stone.
Me: Please don’t push him on the swing because if he flies off he could really hurt you.
Mini: He’s a baby. He could hurt himself.
Me: Well then, Callito shouldn’t be on the swing.
Mini: (Sighs) I know what I’m doing.
I'm glad someone does.
xo, Lydia
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

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