Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Mommyland Babysitter Application

As you all know, a few months ago I went back to work part-time. I’m lucky enough to have my amazing MIL watching my kids one day a week and on the other day I hired a babysitter.

This was my first time hiring a regular caregiver for my kids and I found the whole process really intimidating and annoying. We’ve had plenty of date night babysitters in the last four years, but they had all been recommended by friends. This time I put an ad up on a major sitter search engine site, crossed my fingers, and hoped for the best.

I’m sorry to report I had several very discouraging responses. The first woman I interviewed was very nice but her interview revealed she had absolutely no experience with kids. None. Sorry, that’s not gonna fly.

The next interview went well and I was feeling really good about her until I asked for references and she made up three different excuses for why she couldn’t give me any. You’re out.

Then I eventually hired a woman who showed up for her first day and 5 minutes before I left for work she said, “Um is it OK if my boyfriend stops by to hang out while I’m here?” Whaaaaa? I basically looked really constipated and told her, no, not this time but that we’d talk about it in the future. Then I told Lydia about it and she was like, “NO. NEVER, EVER, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. NOOOOOO.”

Finally I ended up hiring this wonderful young woman who seems to be a pretty damn good fit for us. She is sweet and patient and fun. But she just told me she’s going to start nannying full-time for another family come July so she won’t be able to watch my kids one day a week anymore. DANG IT!

So I’m going to start searching again…and that got me thinking that I could save myself a lot of energy and cut through a lot of bullschmidt if I just posted my own custom application on Sittercity. And then I told Lydia about this and she was totally on-board so together we made a pretty kickass application.

You may think our standards are a bit high...but you see, while we may not be the picture of perfect motherhood ourselves, we feel we have the right to be very picky about who comes into our homes to watch our children. They are our precious, beloved kidlets...obviously we're going to screw them up...but to PAY someone ELSE to screw them up?! Oh, hellz no.

Without further ado:

Mommyland Babysitter Application

1. Name:

2. Age:

3. Age of your actual maturity level:

4. Number of years caring for children:

5. Number of years caring for children who drove you to drink wine from a box:

6. Do you like to play outside? If so, are you willing to lie on the sidewalk while my daughter draws a chalk outline of your body, making you feel like a homicide victim?

7. Do you like to do craft projects? How good are you at getting Sharpie off things in my house?

8. How many Wiggles albums have you smashed or ‘accidentally’ thrown out the car window?

9. How many times have you threatened to vacuum up all the stray toys left on the floor?

10. Do you have a boyfriend? If so, is he castrated?

11. If a sex offender approached my children while they were in your care, you would:

a. Go all crazy tigress and rip him into small chunks

b. Run away screaming in terror and then later remember you left the kids on the playground

c. Be like "Hi Uncle Fred"

12. Do you smoke? (Bearing in mind that I have the olfactory prowess of a bloodhound and will know if you're lying.)

13. Would you be willing to take a drug test and submit to a background check? (Because you're a stranger and these are my kids and as much as they will MAKE you want to do drugs, you really shouldn't while also watching them because the small one is wily).

14. Do you have any enemies that may want to kill you or anything?

If I were to say, friend you on Facebook right now, would I see any pictures of you drinking Bud Light from a can while making out with someone and/or throwing gang signs and/or showing off your jugs?

Or would I find any posts or tweets like: I'm super late to work AGAIN #latenightwithmyboo
#bonghitsareawesome #sohungover #stillalittledrunk

16. Do you have access to your own vehicle? If so, does it smell like old cheese and dirty diapers? If not, can I borrow it?

17. Do you have references? Note: No, your former college roommate pretending to be a former employer does not count as a reference.

Do you feel the overwhelming need to pick up after kids, fold laundry and/or leave spaces cleaner than how you found them? If yes, please disregard the 17 prior questions. You’re hired.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

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