Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Most Disgusting Thing That Has Ever Happened

My dog almost died today. Because he ate some fabric. Maybe a sock? They don't know. In any case it was gross and it was not even food of any kind so why did he f*cking eat it? I'm broke now but he's going to live. Because none of us could handle the idea of losing our very young dog a couple of weeks after losing our very old cat. OH MY GOD. Dogs, man, dogs.

With that in mind, I've decided to re-run this post:

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If you have a weak stomach, or have a bad reaction to things that are disgusting (particularly in relationship to dogs and canine behavior), THIS IS NOT THE POST FOR YOU. You should probably click away. Because it's about to get all kinds of nasty up in here.

Here's the thing about having a dog. It's gross. Having kids is gross too, of course, what with the being puked on and never knowing where that smell is coming from. But dogs are worse. Last Friday, I greeted the early morning with an enormous, steaming pile of dog vomit that was in considerable danger of being re-consumed if I didn't clean it up fast enough.

Because dogs are gross.


Now my dog Brady is the best dog ever and also the most adorable. There has never been another dog ever in the history of Earth Planet that has more love in his heart. Sometimes all the love in his heart makes it hard for him to control himself and he becomes slightly over-exuberant.

This was him last summer, when he was a precious, tiny baby dog.
And he's also part goat. He will eat anything: Legos, cat turds, paper towels soaked in whatever was on my counter, Polly Pockets, entire rolls of toilet paper, door knobs... You name it.

So combine those characteristics - a shameless lack of self control and an urge to consume that which is horrifying and disgusting. And that's how you get this story, which I have cut and pasted from a series of emails I exchanged with Kate and Guru Louise.

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Lydia: I would like to write a post called: The Most Disgusting Thing That Has Ever Happened.
Subtitled: My Dog Brady Ate A Tampon and Guess How I Found Out?

Kate: Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me Please don't tell me

Ok now tell me.

Lydia: Cap’n Coupon and the kids had Brady on a leash in the front yard with them. And Brady started pooping. And it got stuck. And he freaked out and started running in circles going ARK! ARK! ARK! And the Cap’n had to take the poop bag and help pull it out and I think some of it got on his jeans.

Kate: I'm dead. That is the funniest f**king thing I have EVER heard. Also, gross.

Louise: Oh my God. Even for you...

Lydia: Actually first, the Cap’n didn't even HAVE a poop bag and so he sent the boy into the house to get one while Brady whirled around in circles going ARK! ARK! ARK! Brady actually knocked Mini down because the situation with his sphincter was freaking him out so badly and she tried to comfort him and he accidentally sent her flying.

So the boy comes running up and hands the Cap’n the bag and as he starts using it to extract the tampon from the dog's rectum, the boy goes: "Dere's one problem with dat bag. Dere's a TEENY TINY hole in da bottom of it."

This is Brady now. He is a large, orange labra-goat.
At which point the Cap’n just wanted to go back to work and never come home ever again.

It was so awesome.

Louise: I’m afraid to ask, but for some reason – I need to know. String first?

Lydia: It was way worse than that. The string was last. It was somehow anchored. And it was a dangler.

I really hate danglers. They are the enemy of all dog walkers, everywhere.

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And with that Universal Truth of Dog Ownership, thus ends the most disgusting story ever to be posted on the interwebs.

-Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

141 comments:

  1. That made my night. Sweet dreams for me!

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  2. Awesome! I laugh, because that is not the worse dog poop story ever. It reminded me of my worst poop story ever. Mine has to make at least the top 10. I had a lab (I hate labs, they eat everything, my husband loves labs, I prefer herding dogs). Well, one night while my hubby was deployed the lab decided to eat an entire bottle of palmolive dish soap. I awoke to a house full of dog diarrhea. I will give you one guess on what happened when I tried to clean that mess up. I ended up running to Wal-mart at 6am for a rug cleaner.

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    1. UGHHH that is terrible.
      My dog ate some snow pants once. It would be funnier if it hadn't really messed her up. :/

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    2. Even as a puppy he was licking his lips in prep for that tampon-check out the picture!

      I've had it happen too. There are homes with dogs in them where I'm so terrified a dog might eat one that I sneak the tampon into the kitchen garbage rather than tempt them. My own home bathroom garbage has a lid for JUST this reason! Dogs-particularly labs-will eat ANYTHING! As a kid, I got in so much trouble for losing my moon boots (remember THOSE!?!) one winter. My mom felt really bad the next spring when the melting snow revealed the moon boots were scattered in little bits all over the yard, mingled with dog poo. I didn't lose them! The dog consumed them whole! The same dog chewed the grill out of our Vega one afternoon because we tied him to a chain and LEFT him (how DARE WE?!?) instead of bringing him along with us. Until we learned to lock him up on the 4th of July, he ate lit fire crackers. Also-he was the best dog EVER! I still miss him!

      That anchor bit is scary though! Keep an eye on him so you can be sure he didn't get anything bound up in his intestines or anything torn when you pulled it out!

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  3. Oh my gosh, that was the most disgustingly hilarious thing ever!!!! Do these things just happen to you because God KNOWS that you need content for your blog? You guys have the best stories!!!

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  4. YUCK! My sister found out their dog was eating from the bathroom trashcan when they had a similar challenge pulling a used condom from his rear!

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  5. I used to work at a doggy day care. All of the dogs there were "problem children" therefore could not be trusted in a house all by themselves all day. People paid us a lot of money to watch their "problem child". One of which was a poo eater. Well, eater of everything, really but it got worse when he ate the poo.

    This one day Poo Eater decided to eat the tall grass which wasn't as frowned upon as the poo and went unchecked. Until the tall grass decided to come out there at the day care. Being long and undigested it was coming out...and coming out..and coming out until it was stuck and I had to grab a poo bag to assist in the coming out. Pulling on it was like pulling a cork on a shaken bottle. Fortunately, I had anticipated this and did not have any part of my body behind Poo Eater so the resulting ejection of what was stopped up behind the grass landed not on me.

    I did have to clean it up though before he decided to eat it.

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    1. I literally just yelled, "AUGGGGHHHH!" just now.

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  6. O.M.G. This has to be the Funniest/Grossest. Post. Ever. I was laughing very loudly and my hubby asked me what I was reading. I read it to him and the look on his face will now be forever etched in my mind to be called upon when I really need a puck me up. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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    1. Snort - did you MEAN to write "a puck me up"? THAT needs to enter the lexicon.

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  7. oh.it wasn't as gross as I was expecting!lol
    I worry when the story starts out with barf. I have such a strong gag reflex that I can't clean up my cat's barf while it's still, um, wet. this worked ok when I only had one cat. now that there is two... ew!!! one cat barfs, the other gets a snack if I don't clean it up right away. now THAT is gross!!!!. I have to go gag now.

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  8. Yes, dogs are indeed grosser than kids.

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  9. I love you, Lydia!

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  10. Does it say anything about my iron stomach that I read this post over breakfast?

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    1. Awesome! I read it over lunch lol

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  11. I have to say that is one of the FUNNIEST things I have ever read............I don't even know if I can continue my day between my coffee-nated sinuses and my now-useless stomach muscles.......

    dying.....laughing........tears...streaming......

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  12. AHHHH! Tell me at least it wasn't a used tampon???

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    1. AUGHHHH AGAIN.

      **flapping hands mentally***
      ewewewewewwww

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    2. unused would not smell "good" (the definition of "good" when pertaining to a dog of course) and would not have been consumed. He probably would have just taken a drink from the toilet bowl with a couple licks along the sides. ew! dogs are gross!

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  13. Fantastic! This blog gets me through my day when I'm feeling like I've lost my schmidt. Now I'm going to go for my walk (dog-less) and laugh quietly at the other walkers with their dogs and poop bags!

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  14. Okay, my reaction was identical to Kates: don'ttellmedon'ttellmedon'ttellmedon'ttellmedon'ttellmedon'ttellme ... ok I can't stand it and I"m going to read the rest of the post. My favorite part is Capn wanting to go to work forever. I think My Farmer feels that way frequently.

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  15. Dogs are foul beasts. My dog also has a super amazing poop story. Devoured an entire BOTTLE of castor oil while we were away. ENTIRE BOTTLE. The mess, oh good lord, the mess.

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  16. LOL!
    Yes I agree. Gross. And do not tell me.. ok it's a little late for that :)

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  17. My dog ate a similar item one time. How did I find out? When my husband's horrified cries sent me scurrying up the stairs to find my little fluffy dog eating a USED tampon at the top of the stairs. Blood all over the carpet. On his paws even. The kids picked up on the panic and came running upstairs as well. "What IS that?" "Why is he bleeding?" "What happened? Did someone get cut?" We, of course, avoided answering all questions and just kept repeating - "Go downstairs, don't worry about it, etc." I honestly think my husband has never been more disgusted in his life, and I know I have never been more humiliated in my life. It is paining me to even relate this story, but I can't let you suffer alone. I had stopped flushing because our master bath toilet can be touchy and I was afraid it would stop up and I would have to call a plumber and be humiliated. Guess what? I'm back to flushing.

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    1. that is just so hilarious & disgusting all at the same time - you are so brave for sharing! thanks for the laugh.

      There go my plans to buy Miss 5 a dog for her next birthday !

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    2. Get a garbage with a step on open thing for the bathroom ladies!!!!!!!!! I have had too many things eaten out of the garbage and littered throughout my house too many times. I just want to help everyone else now, too!

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    3. When I was a teenager our toilet became clogged and the roto rooter guy pulled out one of those... I got blamed for it!! Because my mother didn't want to fess up!!! (I had NEVER flushed one always wrapped them and hid in the garbage under stuff)... Nothing more horrifying or embarrassing then having your DAD lecture you on why you don't flush a tarpon!!! Especially when it wasn't you that did it!!!! Yea thanks mom.. Lol

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  18. My dog ate the inside if a shoe, it came out whole. How he ate it and didn't die, ill never know.

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    1. That is hilarious!!

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    2. My mom's pug once ate a lightbulb! How she didn't die from shards of glass, I'll never know.

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  19. OMG.

    I should NOT have clicked on the post. I read the warning... and kept reading.

    WHY?

    My stomach just did a back-flip. Hulgh. Hulgh.

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  20. Yup, mine at a used condom...awesome...

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    1. omg!!!!!!!!! wow!! lol lol lol

      from where?

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  21. ROFL! I just laughed so hard I snorted. Oh my. Thanks for the morning laugh.

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  22. Hahahahaha! That made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on my water! I have had some interesting mishaps with my 2 german shepherds but nothing this He-freakin-lar-ious!! Oh and poor Cap'n I bet he's tucked the tampon box safely away now! Of course now Brady may not be as curious about those weird cotton things with strings ever, ever again! ahahaha!!!--H

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  23. I will see your tampon and raise you an ass load ( literally) of tamale wrappers/corn shucks. My dog, Maggie Rose (a yellow lab full of love and exuberance much like your Brady), decided that the corn shucks used to wrap 2 dozen of the most delicious tamales ever made were equally delicious. And a couple of hours later, as I began my day, she walked into my bedroom hunched up and whimpering. And when she turned around, it looked like she had an old fashioned broom sticking out of her ass! Gloves were donned (thank god for nursing supplies in house) and shucks were gently pulled from her bum. And as I stood there, shitty shucks in hand, she was overcome with happiness and gratitude and bounded out of the room and then back in again and knocked me over. A mothers work is so thankless and never done.

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  24. Stomach of STEEL here! Our Lab has completely destroyed my sense of disgust when it comes to dog poo incidents. She eats everything and anything, and what goes in comes out looking pretty much like what it did before. We love having waterballoon fights in the summer and for weeks her poo is rainbow. She eats paper products like nobody's business, and we've pulled an entire unchewed cloth napkin out of her butt. It's a pretty common occurrence. I will say...if it's a USED tampon, that trumps anything I've seen.

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  25. My cat ate a rubber band once. Her poo was dangling AND bouncing and I had to pull it out. Not easy with teeth and claws coming at me. I still cringe when I think about it.

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  26. I think I just died trying not to laugh out loud!!! Gross but hilarious (I guess the fact that I live with 4 boys - yes DH is considered a "boy" - has made me think gross things are funny!)

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  27. You will not believe this, but I promise that it's true. As I was pulling back into the garage this morning after taking the wild heathens to school, I saw something on the floor. "Hmmm, that sure does look like a tampon applicator. Why on earth would it be out here? I don't do that in the garage." Sure enough, it was. No idea where the tampon is. But I also have a labra-goat. Think I'll be letting the husband walk him tonight.

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  28. ok.. I made it through the story but the comments section has me vomiting in my mouth.

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  29. Great post! I love that I laugh out load when reading your blog. I have to add my dog story ... I had a big German Shepherd and before we had kids, we had a friend who brought over some "special" cookies. I was not so into "special" baking and we ended up leaving them on the table and went to work. mid-day I remembered what I had left in reach and I called to yell at her over the answering machine "Don't eat the cookies Roxy! NO cookies, good girl" hehehe. well now, then we came home several hours later to find her on the couch. she had puked, pooped and peed all while lying on the couch, completely wasted. it was a good thing she was a big dog cause that was a lot of "special" to ingest for anyone. She was ok though. I was not until a few years later that my husband actually learned why she was sick that day ... oh and we burned that couch.

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    1. Headmistress YcaMay 23, 2012 at 5:11 PM

      OMG this one WINS!!! So much awesome. Oh sooo much awesome.....

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  30. This reminds me of the time that my dog (a rottweiler mix) was very sick and had to spend a few days at the vet. Every morning I would call to check on her. One morning, when I asked how she had done through the night, the words "explosive diarrhea" were used. I felt extremely bad for the poor vet techs.

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  31. I have a large mutt, probably lab-setter mix, that likes to eat everything and can be very sneaky about it. One night after we had chicken for dinner he managed to sneak a drumstick bone off a plate on the table. Of course chicken bones are notorious for splintering and being really dangerous for dogs. As my husband lunged for him yelling for him to leave it my dog tipped his head up and swallowed it in one gulp completely whole. So we kept an eye on the dog all night and the next day half expecting to rush him to the vet. After taking an unusually long time out with the dog my husband informed me that after much straining and whining my dog managed to poop that chicken bone out -still whole.

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  32. My poo story is short and sweet...and has happened more than once. Once I was changing my daughter who had pooped a nasty, nasty poop. I placed the full diaper on top of the diaper pail and while I was putting a fresh diaper on her I heard weird noises. I turned around and lo and behold...one of my toy Poms had managed to knock it off the pail...or it slipped...who knows...but had just consumed said full diaper.

    And then he wanted to lick me in thanks.

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  33. My parents had a lab that ate socks. It was a slow day when my mom didn't have to help Penny get them out...

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  34. My dog (rest in peace) ate an entire bag of baby wipes. And then proceeded to poop them like he was a wipe container. He heaved and strained and heaved and one popped out. And got stuck. So I gloved up and pulled it out, and another popped out. Repeat for 40 wipes.

    I'm sure he had a nice clean colon, but Jeebus.

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  35. I'm really glad it all turned out okay. My girlfriend's family dog ate tampons (there were four teenage daughters at home at the time) and had to have surgery.

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  36. Yup, sounds like a lab. I had one that would snack on the gravel from our driveway. I called the vet and they were pretty concerned. Then they looked at his file and were all "Oh, he's a lab, that's normal." Then there was the night the other lab cam running into the barn like something was AFTER her. Whatever was after her stunk up the whole place even though she was running. When she finally slowed down we found out she'd eaten a plastic grocery bag and it was on it's way out. Nastiest thing I have ever smelled and we have kids and own cattle.

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  37. One day while walking my mini schnauzer she did her thing but when she stood up the poop seemed to float in mid air behind her. Of course she freaked out started whining and barking. Running around in circles with poop flying behind her like a kite. I pulled a two foot strand of long brown hair out of her butt.

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  38. I used to have a dog who also ate everything. We made several trips to the Emergency Vet over the years and I am pretty sure we put at least one child of a vet thru college! The worst time was when the dog had eaten the fringe (made of coiled cotton cording) from a large throw rug I had in my kitchen. While on a long walk several blocks from home, he starts to pass it. I was in shock but could see he was in distress, so I tried to "assist" the process. To this day I can still hear him yelping in pain as I tugged. It was stuck! I realized that this was very serious. I had to walk him (too large to carry) back home with the cord hanging out. Into the car and off to the Emergency Vet we went. Dr. Bannnerman took one look at him and decided he needed surgery right away. Turns out he had eaten the cording in one very LOOONNNGGG piece. It was knotted up in the stomach, ran all the way thru the intestines, and out the rear!!! No wonder he yelped when I tried to help!! Dr. Bannerman saved his life that day. He continued to pull similar stunts over the next ten years and we said Goodbye to "Coach" when he was 15 years old. I guess cats aren't the only one with nine lives!!

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  39. Lydia - Don't feel bad. My daughter's dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks Yorkie ate one. I'm CERTAIN it was out of the neighbors trash. Definitely the neighbors. Long story short she starting having ISSUES. Take her to the vet and eight bazillion dollars and an exploratory surgery later he tells me "We found LOTS of stuff in your little dog...Barbie parts, Polly Pockets, a tampon..." I'm not sure what he said after that because I died right there in the office. I'm actually commenting in spirit form.

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    1. Hahaha! Your spirit form comment mad me lol and spit juice!

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    2. Hhaha, hilarious.

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  40. My SISTER used to pull the used plastic applicators out of the trash and chew on them. My mom would find them under her crib.

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    1. Argh, no, no, no, no, no!!!!!!!!

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  41. These comments are almost as good as the story itself! Iron stomach here, becuase I'm only laughing, not grossed out.

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  42. My neighbor's chocolate lab used to swallow tennis balls... whole. I think they would typically come out deflated, but still whole. Interestingly enough, she did not die from overexposure to neon fuzz. lol

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  43. Cats are not immune to this situation. Mine likes to eat ribbon. You can imagine the consequences. It's like a magician's scarf trick. And for the record, I think the 5 Guys story is WAY worse (sorry, Lydia!).

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    1. Totally agree that the Five Guys story takes the (disgusting) cake!

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    2. My cats also like to eat ribbon. When I clean out the litter box it's like a bunch of gift wrapped turds. We had a labragoat when I was in high school who ate one whole row of wood siding off our house, all the corners off of our pic-nic table/benches, and pretty much anything else normally deemed inedible. She actually chewed on beer cans. To this day I don't know how she didn't bleed to death from that alone. Bessie (so aptly named) also enjoyed exactly two bites of raw corn that she would pick and husk herself, fresh strawberries out of the garden, and anything left on the counter. I'm glad Brady is ok.

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  44. My dog will go into the bathroom garbage can and chew on bloody, used tampons. I don't know if he has ever swallowed one though. Usually they are found on the carpet somewhere when he is done with them. We keep the bathroom door shut now (obviously).

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  45. Oooh I got one! My wonderful Cat, Varment (named thanks to a drunken redneck friend)had a Merry Christmas one year. He got into the decorations and had sparkly Tinsel poo for 2 weeks. When you say beware the 'dangler' I know EXACTLY what you mean. And you shouldn't pull on it, it can hurt their insides. :P Stupid Cat! Like a 20 lb cat trying to climb a 6 foot plastic Christmas Tree wasn't hilarity enough! Donna S

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  46. We had a manx once that was nuts, and somehow ate a stick, and we had to help him finish passing that. We also had a labra-goat. She ate beer cans, stuffing from stuffed animals, wood siding, picnic benches. I was in high school then, and I'm sure that's how I started with the iron stomach. I love these stories, and I second Dani. 5 Guys was worse.

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  47. This isn't so much a gross dog story, "butt" it's a funny one ... my Husky mutt has the ability to go into super stealth mode when she doesn't want to get busted being naughty. One day, I was baking pumpkin spice cupcakes for a work event. A lot of them. Dog had never jumped up on counters so I thought it was safe to put the cooling racks on the breakfast bar counter. I was sitting at the computer (about 6' away from the counter) waiting for the 2nd batch to come out and didn't hear a thing until that timer went off. When I walked to the oven, I noticed a halfeaten cupcake on the floor...and looked at the counter to find a whopping 6 cupcakes left on the cooling rack. There were 24 when I put them there to cool ... So I moved the cooling rack to metal cooktop (we had a wall oven & separate cooktop at the time) before I put the 2nd batch out to cool - and pushed it up against the wall. I wayched the dog from the computer desk and I swear to Maude I could see the wheels a-turnin' in her brain. She slunk along the counter, put one paw up and balanced to quietly put the other paw up - then stretched her neck as far as it could go w/o letting her METAL COLLAR and METAL TAGS touch the cooktop. So, quite silent & stealthy! I let her have one more before busting her. The funny part is that there were no wrappers left - mutt ate them whole! And for days, we had lovely halloween decorated turds! (Apparently cupcake papers don't digest). They were easy to find for clean-up though :)

    Pretty sure that dog has a steel gut, 'cuz nothing she's eaten (feminine supplies, diapers, towels, etc) has ever gotten stuck or needed "ass"istance in coming out.

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  48. One 80-lb lab mix
    + one 1.5 lb bag of partially frozen shredded mozzarella forgotten on the counter
    + 30 minutes
    = one dog with a bloated, uncomfortable looking tummy.

    Called our vet friend and she told us to give him a little hydrogen peroxide to make him barf up the cheese. We took him outside, gave him the hydrogen peroxide and ran him around a little to shake things up. Couple of minutes later, up came the cheese. Ask your vet about it. They'll tell you how much to use.

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  49. Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh!!! It has taken me so long to read the story and the amazing comments because the laptop won't stop shaking...from it being on my lap while laughing so hard! I agree with one of the above comments that the story certainly was not as bad as I thought it was going to be.

    While growing up, we had a Dalmation for a short period of time. She was beautiful, came from a pedigreed line, had brown spots instead of black. But she had a tendency to eat non-food...like the garbage can, my aunt's license plate off her car, and even glass! Somehow she survived, but my dad thought she was better off with someone who lived on a farm, so she had plenty of room, instead of a backyard in the city!

    And now, with an average of three cats (we've lost some (sob) and adopted others), two boys, and a husband...there's not much that grosses me out anymore. Though I do have to admit to gagging when I have to clean up "cat yack" (term coined by my half brother, because that's the sound the cat makes while making said mess) when it's still WARM, wet and stinky!

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    1. We call it cat yack, too! Though the process is "horking" :-p

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    2. If you ask my 3 year old son what noise a cat makes he says "Bleck" and sticks his tongue out like a cat barfing.... :)

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  50. Oh, been there done that with a cocker spaniel. My favorite was when the beagle/cattle dog mix barfed a whole, skinless rabbit on our floor. We found the skin later. How he ever did it without opposable thumbs and a sharp knife, I will never know. The smell sent me running for the front door, and I have 2 kids and a husband.

    Thank you for letting me know I am not alone, and for helping me stay on my diet--I will re-read this when I am hungry for an unscheduled snack. Guaranteed appetite killer.

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    1. Headmistress YcaMay 23, 2012 at 5:26 PM

      Grossest. Story. Ever. I was doing ok until your skinless rabbit, and then I almost lost it! But no opposable thumbs and no knife had me crying from laughing so hard!!

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  51. Try having your dog eat tinsel- even MORE funner because his butt is sparkling as he's scooting himself all over the grass while you're behind him trying to grab it with a paper towel, and trying NOT to gag, because the dog kept emitting fumes that would gag a maggot. I have cats now. :)

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  52. And this is why our lab lives outside, far away from the garbage cans...

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  53. I agree - 5 Guys was as rough if not worse to read. Yet as a Mom, it is my job to use my mommy senses to get through the rough patches... :)
    My rescued lab that looks to have greyhound and who knows what else in him, ate a stick of butter one day. Wrapper and all. It has to be him, I laid out 2 sticks to soften for cookies, and then there was only 1. ?! The next night he was really REALLY quiet and drooled a TON. I mean like I laid towels under him to get the drool. That was it. Never found the wrapper (didn't look real hard). He also ate a cupcake wrapper and all without getting sick, but that's it - that I know about!!

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    1. Same thing happened at my house, but it was a whole pound of butter. I had put it on the counter in the morning and that evening I was getting on to my husband for putting it back in the fridge. He had no idea what I was talking about. Went upstairs and found one small corner of the box of butter. My dumb dog ate the whole thing, box and all. Never got sick, that I know of, but he had a really shiny coat for a while.

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  54. hahahahaha. Two stories for you-

    Our rottie mix came in from outside and was running around like he was scared or something. Hubby checked and it was a dangler, as soon as it cleared our boy was fine. :P

    We were visiting my grandmother who has a slow toilet that sometimes doesn't flush all the way. I know to keep the lid down. My sister didn't and was on her period. Our wonderful collie mix went fishing and took his treasure to our bed. GROSS!!!

    The joys of having dogs! I wouldn't trade it for anything.

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  55. UGH - the same thing happened to me. Only we were on vacation and the person checking in on said dog was one of my husband's guy friends. Bathroom garbage full of used monthly items + dog + guy friend of husband cleaning it all up = horrifying perpetual embarrassment. I still can't look the friend in the face.... Needless to say we got a lidded trash can immediately after vacation.

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    1. Oh my. This might actually be worse than my story. At least only my husband saw the wreckage. Yikes!

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  56. I too have a Labragoat. I understand COMPLETELY. And I was so totally ungrossed, as I have had to hose down my backporch from the time his crate was out there and he had an e-coli thing going on. Now THAT is no fun at all.

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  57. disgustingly gross and hysterically funny.

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  58. Cats are def not immune. Ours eats string, floss, and carpet strands. I just love stepping in a fresh pile of cat puke (especially when barefoot). Fresh, because otherwise it's been re-ingested. Damn cat has pica and bulimia. This story and the ensuing commentary DID however cement my decision to NEVER own a dog. Blech.

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  59. we also have a dog that will eat anything, barbie legs are a particular delicacy in our household. it actually came in handy one day. i have an iron stomach, nothing really grosses me out. my 2 kids and i were home sick one morning and my youngest threw up all over the living room floor. normally, i wouldn't bat an eye. but this particular morning, everytime i walked near it, i started gagging. i could not pick it up. what did i do? i looked at Seamus, our bull mastiff, and walked away. when we came back downstairs about 10 minutes later, puke was gone and Seamus was licking his chops. thanks buddy.

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  60. My dog is a poop eater - Despite many tips and tricksto break the habit, we just have to be vigilant in picking up poo. He is a smart dog and now waits for the our other dog to poop and eats it before it hits the ground - I can no longer eat soft serve ice cream!

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    Replies
    1. HAAHAAHAAAHAAAA!!! that is the best! You win the internet!

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    2. Two dogs, no cup! Lol!!!! ;)

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  61. I love my dogs, but they are indeed pretty disgusting at times. I had a roommate years ago who had two dogs who were more so. They were big time garbage eaters. Their favorite delicacies were used tampons and used condoms, which were always showing up in their poo. Once the older of the two dogs was in the kitchen watching me eat something with a forlorn expression. I notice he was sitting on a bit of plastic. I reached down to pick it up, only to realize it wasn't /under/ his butt, it was /in/ his but. I proceeded to pull an entire plastic produce bag from the grocery store from his butt, complete with rotten vegetable slime inside the bag. Ah, the joys of pet ownership.

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  62. OMGN. I'm glad I'm not the only one with these problems. My Dober-goat likes to eat knee high stockings. I've had to "help" multiple stockings on their way out (she pilfers from the hamper). One day she pilfered from the clean clothes basket (bad laundry fairy). The problems is I tie the pairs together when they come out of the dryer so I'm not searching for the mate in my lingerie drawer, so she swallowed a pair that was tied together at the elasticy end. Needless to say I kept pulling, and pulling, and pulling. I thought the poor dogs eyes were going to pop out of her head. When the knot where the two pairs were tied together finally came out, the dog shot off like she was launched from a sling shot. That was the LAST time she snacked from the laundry basket!

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  63. This made me laugh out loud...like hard! It is also made me feel not so alone, as my cute dog (who would give Brady a run for his money on the world's best dog) left us a nice present a few weeks ago: a huge pile of dog diarrhea in the living room floor. Oh, and for good measure I didn't notice it until one of my 18 mo. old twins played in it. Oh, and smeared it on his face! Good times!

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  64. One of our cats has a thing for used tampons - I have to be extra careful about keeping that trashcan emptied!

    My old dog from childhood LOVED crayons - he'd snarf down a box of Crayola 96's before you could turn around. He'd hunker around the yard for days and poop rainbow piles!!

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  65. My dogs have fortunately eaten very few non-edible items (except the bright green bandanna which inexplicably also came out still bright green), but the funniest story was when my German shepherd/rottweiler mix was a puppy we were on a walk one day and she audibly farted for the first time. She whipped around and looked at her butt like something had snuck up on her and bit her in the ass. I still laugh about it 12 years later.

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  66. I don't have a dog, but I'm a dog groomer. One of my worst moments ever was when a very nervous dog let his anal glands loose while he was standing on a drying table, and I was right behind him. If you've never smelled anal glands, have I got a treat for you.....

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  67. Hahahahahahahahaha! Soooooo many stories, what to choose?
    Our shepherd mix was left alone with the pantry door wide open (duh...) so I came home to find a produce bagful of when bran from Whole Foods torn open on the kitchen floor, but mostly gone. Picking up poop in the backyard that week was a lot more like finding little bran cakes. So. Weird.
    The Dobie-goat (love that! thanks!) will eat anything, including rope from dog toys. There's some orange rope poop out there waiting for me right now. I only know it was eaten and pooped because there's poop on either end; otherwise I would've thought it was just taken outside to be played with and left there. Not kidding.
    They both eat wrappers, especially single-serving cheese wrappers. I know that's what they are 'cause I can still read the labels' nutritional info later. Awesome, huh?

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  68. When my cousin had moved to the area, he stayed with my parents until he found his own place. Buffy, our Shepherd/Collie would wake him up every morning by licking him (Yes, this story is going there). One day, Buffy was licking away and he groggily pet her head. Buffy then, apparently, decided that he deserved a present. She bent down and came up with one of my sisters' used tampons and set it next to his head.

    My cousin has issues when it comes to "female issues". It's his kryptonite.

    As he was retching in the toilet, Buffy decided that she would join him. But only to eat some "protein treats" from the litter box.

    When he rang me at my place, I could not stop laughing. It's been about 20 years now, and I still LOL when thinking about it.

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  69. some of the things our labra-goat consumed during his lifetime
    -a 64-count box of crayolas
    -several checkbooks
    -the hardbacked covers of several VERY expensive law books
    -an entire package of birth control pills (he was moody for a while, but otherwise fine:)
    -and my personal favorite-the titles to TWO cars, consumed in one sitting. So there was a brief period of time when the dog legally owned two automobiles.
    RIP Zeus. He was a good boy.

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  70. Made me remember the look of horror on my teenage son's face when he told me he had to remove a used tampon from our dog's mouth. He was so grossed out! Still makes me laugh.

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  71. OMG...love the story and comments! My own Golden-goat decided to graze on a full-length pair of nylon stockings when she was four months old...unbeknownst to me. Two days after I was doing laundry, she started to vomit non-stop. The emergency vet couldn't find anything wrong, but our regular vet decided to do exploratory surgery. The stockings went from her stomach to the other end! Since then, she has eaten socks, Legos, never-ending tissues, toilet paper, maxi pads (no tampons, thank God!!), twine, etc.

    I have pulled more stuff from her butt than I care to think about. Yet another reason to break out the T-box...

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  72. My chihuahua once ate a tampon. That's right CHIHUAHUA, it was horrible. It also came out string last and required assistance! We got trashcans with lids in the bathrooms after that.

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  73. My mother came to visit from out of town and though she has stopped smoking she has been eating Nicorette gum non stop for a LONG time. She eats pieces back to back to back. We went to bed one night and my chihuahua/terrier/goat mix decided he'd root through the trash and eat some of the chewed pieces that had been thrown away. I didn't realize that he had done so and the next morning I woke up and was walking to the bathroom and noticed that the floor looked oddly mountainous. I wear glasses/contacts and can't see crap (haha) without them. I went and put on my glasses to find 20+ piles of dog vomit, thus the new geography of the living room floor I had noticed when I was blind.

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  74. THIS IS HILARIOUS!! (only b/c Brady survived this episode unharmed). I know of a dog who needed surgery TWICE for socks. Slow learner, I guess. My dog Rio is the cutest dog ever, just FYI, and good thing too b/c she gets into all kinds of poop related problems. We walk her on a really short leash b/c she hoovers up inappropriate things all the time; gum, grass, sticks, bones, whateves. BUT she has perfected the Lunge and Gobble Technique. Rotten Beast. AND she eats tall grass all the time, which as we all know leads to major cling-on problems. It used to be a rare episode so we'd all freak out, grab a bag, try not to get bitten AGAIN, etc etc but lately it happens all the time. Why? b/c now she eats the clumps of grass leftover from mowing the lawn. OR crawls under our bushes to get to the grass in the neighbours yard. Classy Rio, very classy.

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  75. My kids hate you now because I have just decided that they will never have a dog. Ever. Never. EEEeeeeeewwwwww.

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  76. Ahhhh ... a learning opportunity to grasp the true nature of an animal that has been romanticized, commercialized, and fetishized into a "family member," and as such protected fro having the negative reputation it deserves. Dogs will eat anything. Your pet will even eat you, should you have the misfortune to have a stroke and/or die within your locked home. Your dog will eat and even thrive on your excrement, as inhabitants of the far north understand. Your dog currently is killing whales as he/she consumes increasing amounts of krill, the main food source for many (most?) of the baleen whales (rorquals), and whose transformation into dog food may be the final blow to the blue whale, the largest of all living creatures ever.

    So dress them up in cutesy costumes; campaign for their being given access to restaurants, churches, offices, etc.; and provide them with health insurance while millions of children do without - just be aware that your canine "child" is impacting the planet in an extremely negative way, and doing so in a way that makes tampon eating the least your worries.

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    Replies
    1. Geesh! How is it the dog's responsibility to make eco-friendly food - that's up to us makers of said food.

      Yes, dogs eat gross stuff, and are meant to do so in the wild. They are also intelligent enough to be trained not to in some cases.

      My golden is not my child, but I do love him and appreciate his positive impact on my life.

      Delete
    2. I think you're on the wrong blog, yo....

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    3. I AM NOT A DOG PERSON.

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  77. Our labra-goat mix, Finn ate a kitchen sponge once. I accidentally left it on the edge of the tub after cleaning and didn't realize he ate it until it came back the same way it went in. That was vomit that almost cleaned itself because half of it was already in the sponge.

    He also ate a ball of tinfoil once- again, unknown to us. Until I cleaned the yard and his poo was sparkling, that is.

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  78. I see a lot of Lab stories (we have a lab/pony mix who has eaten entire packs of gum, my underwear, and my husband's $300 dental bridge) but let us not forget the BEAGLES...

    My husband and I came home from work one evening to find our sweet little beagle splayed out on the kitchen floor, groaning, with a stomach roughly the size of a basket ball. Too engorged to flee the scene of the crime, she was surrounded by pretty little sparkly bits from the wrappers of an ENTIRE SAM'S BOX of Fiber One Granola Bars (with 25% of your daily recommended fiber! Each.). Whoot! When we were finally able to get her upright and outside the poop just. kept. going. Poop for days....

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    Replies
    1. OMG I ate two of those things at one sitting one time. NEVER AGAIN. I can only imagine a whole box. (shudder)

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  79. My Shiba Inus once got ahold of a tube of Desitin. That evening I learned 3 things: 1) Desitin is the safest diaper creme for your dog to eat because all it's nothing but zinc oxide, 2) Desitin makes dogs barf A LOT, and 3) Desitin is not water soluable so when the dogs barf Desitin on the carpet it will NEVER come out. It's been 2 years and 2 professional carpet cleanings and we still bear the scars. Other things the more conniving one has eaten: children's chewable vitamins (THAT was a vet bill), used and unused pads (ew!), neosporin, any toy left out. There's one sure fire way to get your kid to pick up his toys!

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  80. I should have listened. I should have taken your warning's heed and clicked away, but nooooooo. The pregnant woman who gags after she spits can handle it. nooooo problem.

    Lies. I'm forcing myself not to throw up, because I just successfully ate. This is awful. I need chocolate stories now. NO! NOT CHOCOLATE! some other kind of story.

    Dear Lord, please bless that I don't throw up my breakfast. Amen.

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  81. I think this is the best post ever. I have a labra-she-goat now and had a beagle that passed away last year. Said beagle ate everything and anything that he could get his paws on and mouth around. My bathroom trash is in the cupboard under the sink thanks to him! He would get mad at me and take my cds off the media shelf, carry them to the back yard, and lay under the orange tree while proceeding to crunch them to bits. He wouldn't eat them, just destroy them (and I'm sure, secretly laugh as I chased him to beat him!) Both my she-goat and he would eat electronics. I gave up on the bluetooth after the 3rd one was stolen from the coffee table and found in bitty pieces on the floor. We have gone through multiple headsets, 3 cell phones, 3 mp3 players with headphones, and other assorted "I-told-you-not-to-leave-that-within-the-dogs-reach" items. For a couple years, it was an adventure coming home every day and going to the back yard to see what had been torn up. He ate the hard covers off text books! They both have eated copious amounts of chocolate - including ornaments that were on a Xmas tree out of reach - until she knocked over the entire tree to reach the treats at the top.

    And yes, they had plenty of food, exercise, treats, and chew toys. Thankfully, we have had multiple vet calls over the years but nothing ever necessitated surgery or even an office visit. That was saved for the foxtails up the beagle nose!

    I know this is not uncommon for labs but I was surprised by the beagle! We miss him dearly.

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  82. I have *SO* been there. Only difference? Mine happened inside the house. And my dog sits when he's freaked out. http://goteamjones.com/2008/12/01/the-turd-stamp/

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  83. Working at an emergency vet clinic, I have to say you are lucky it passed through. We had a poodle who had surgery to remove an unknown foreign body - turned out to be tampons stuck in her intestines. She went home after two days and was back THAT NIGHT for us to induce vomiting...the Owner hadn't learned her lesson and the dog had gotten home and immediately gone to the garbage and eaten more of her "delicacy". But nothing beats the panties we took out of a dog. We always save the evidence for the Owners. When they came to pick up the dog, the female owner was not happy to see that it wasn't her thong we took out of the dog! Awkward for the whole staff!

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  84. Two words: Diva. Cup. Truly a girl's best friend.

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  85. When my dog Brisco (RIP buddy) was a puppy he got into my sewing stuff. He ate some pins and some yarn. We took him to the vet and the vet said he might "poop a scarf". Nice. My current dog Murphy got into the kids craft basket and ate a small tupper ware of glitter, which exploded all over the dining room. His poop sparkled for a week, but it sure was easy to find for cleanup.

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  86. We raised English Setters growing up. Bird dogs looooove things that smell absolutely disgusting. They ate any "floaters" in the toilet. One dog got into the bathroom trash during a party and chewed on several used tampons--leaving the mess in the bathroom for a horrified guest to report to my mother. Garbage was then relegated to the cupboard. A puppy gobbled up a tampon and promptly had to go to the vet to have induced vomiting. One dog ate a superball and had to have surgery to remove. My dad stayed up all night with the dog. When I was in the hospital for a week with pneumonia--he went on a business trip. 2 dogs ate an entire freshly killed pheasant--beak, feet, etc-- while sitting in the back seat--we never heard a sound. The only thing left were feathers on their lips.

    But the best, the very best, was when one female would find dead birds and bury them in the horse poop in the barnyard. She would leave there a bit to season and then would dig it up and eat it and then......yack it up inside on my mom's Oriental Rug in the Living Room. Seriously????????

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  87. Picture an highly anxiety ridden German Shorthair Pointer, who had previously eaten a couch. Yes, a couch. Now, imagine how teeny tiny itty bitty most newborn diapers are when they are filled and rolled up after use. Now imagine said anxiety ridden dog doing the exact. same. thing. when the diaper is passing.

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  88. Oh my goodness, I am either a mom or a 10 year old boy because I have been laughing so hard at all of these! My dearly missed golden/german shepherd mix once ate a whole tube of Desitin, tube and all, and I have to agree with the previous poster about how hard that is to clean up. Not to mention the smell--my goodness, it was and still is the worst thing I've ever smelled! It happened when I was at home alone with my six-day old first-born, a broken water heater in Denver in February, and hadn't showered since before having the c-section that delivered my baby. Then the dog ate the Desitin and I was convinced she was going to die (nope, just had some well-lubed vomit and poop for a few days) and I was sitting, sobbing, on the floor of the living room when the repair man showed up to fix the hot water heater. I am sure he still remembers me fondly. ;) Our current golden-goat has eaten some antipsychotics (dear hubby is a psychiatrist and they were samples he was moving from one office to another)--that was a fun trip to the grocery store at 8 in the morning to get "a lot" of hydrogen peroxide to make her barf, per the emergency vet. (Seriously--do you know how people look at you when you check out at 7:52 am with six bottles of hydrogen peroxide and a turkey baster?) She also counter-surfs and one night ate one and a half perfect, home-made, uncooked pizzas. And had the nerve to moan when all that pizza dough hit her stomach and--poof!--expanded. That was not fun to clean up in the yard...

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  89. This is why I hate dogs.

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  90. I got y'all beat. My dog eats poop out of diapers, pukes it up on the couch and then eats it again. Then my 5 year old starts yelling "I taste poop! Ewwww!" and making gagging noises, which then in turn makes my gag reflex kick it. It's a mess.

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  91. Our dog eats the contents of the diapers my DH leaves out, then vomits it up only to eat it again. All the while, my 5 year old runs around screeching "I taste poop! Ewwwww!" and making wretching noises, which kicks off my own hair trigger gag reflex. We are a mess.

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    Replies
    1. How can you have that disgusting animal around your child like that. I see why so many people are coming up with all these crazy diseases. allowing animals to poop in your house, throw up and then turn around and eat it. We have lost our minds about these nasty animals. we get upset when our children does these things but you keep a filthy beast in your house shitting and spitting eewwh.....

      Delete
  92. OMG! I have a blacklab+pointer= hyper minilabragoat. All I have to say is cat-box = all you can eat buffet :( please don't lick my face.
    cracking up!

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  93. OMG...I am laughing so hard I just spilled my cereal and might actually puke! Because I. GET. THIS. And I don't even have a dog anymore...though I did have a dream last night that I was trying to restrain an over grown, poorly thought out, crocodile that needed to be relocated from a NYC pet store.

    But I have no idea what that has to do with dogs eating gross stuff.

    Oh...because there are crocodiles in the NYC sewers and that's where the tampons go?

    I don't know...

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  94. My DH has pulled so many silly bands out of my poor golden retriever's bottom, it's not even funny anymore.

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  95. This reminds me of the time my mom's lab ate a knee high stocking. You know how I figured it out...he was in the yard pooping and kept circling because it wouldn't come out. Upon investigation, I discovered said knee was full of poop. Knees highs stretch when full of poop. Knee highs, when full of poop, do not easily come out of a dog's bottom. So the poor dog was circling all over the yard dragging a knee high full of poop because it wouldn't come out. So guess who had to get the dog to stop circling and pull the knee high full of poop out of his butt. You are right...dogs are GROSS!

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  96. My mom has a rescue dog, she's so smart and sweet, but she also chews everything EV-REE-THING she can get her jaws on. She loves to play soccer with the kids, and so at a garage sale, my mom found this old glow-in-the-dark basketball for her to chase.
    When mom woke up the next morning, the ball was WHITE, where it had been glow-in-the-dark neon green. Turns out, the stupid dog had PEELED the green stuff off the ball and eaten it.
    We could tell where she'd poo'd, by the glowing piles at night...

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  97. My dog ate a small elephant stuffed animal once. After 6 months of taking him to the vet for vomiting and insisting it hadn't come back out yet, He finally threw it up one day. Whole. On my living room floor. It was disgusting.

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  98. We have an Olde English Bulldogge, Tank, he'll be 2 next month. He's got a face only a mother could love and we do love him, but man he's a little douche bag. He also eats everything! He ate a pair of my oldest daughter's dirty underwear, we know this only because he barfed them up for us in our bedroom one night, he ate another pair of her dirty underwear and those got stuck on the way out his pooper one day, luckily (for me) my hubby was the one who saw him freaking out in the backyard and went out to investigate; he had to help the little doofus get those out. I may or may not have been in the house laughing hysterically between my gagging. We've caught him trying to eat more underwear, but thankfully were able to stop him.
    We recently bought our first house and he now has a dog house on our deck that he shares with our other dog (the good one), but in the last week he has eaten the corners off of our wood picnic table and off both of the benches, along with the decorative toppers on all the posts of our deck railing. I hate him a little. But I love him more. Dumb dog.

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  99. Dead bird. Yup. World's Least-Smart Labrador ate a dead bird.

    And then proceeded to puke up a wing on the living room rug.

    "Oh my GOD! That has...feathers!!"

    And then...as soon as hubby valiantly disposed of barf-wing and cleaned the rug...that's right. You guessed it. Up came the rest of the bird.

    I said we had to move to a new house, we compromised on a new rug. Still have the same dog, though.

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  100. My dog ate a glass Christmas ball. He chewed the wire to a fan that was plugged in and shocked himself and burned a hole in the floor. He ate an entire pan of brownies...no problem there. He ate a ficus tree and the arms of the couch all in one day. He ate the entire phone book...I'm dating myself here. I've pulled a lot of stuff out of his butt over 12 years. But the best one....he got into some sewing items and ate needles, pins and yarn. I rushed him to our vet, who had seen him for for some of the situations noted above. Vet says "he will be fine...and with the sewing needles and yarn, he could shit you a nice scarf". I loved that dog and still can't talk about him without getting tears in my eyes, and it's been 6 years since he died. I'll miss him forever.

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  101. My current dog loves poop filled diapers. It's disgusting.

    Growing up, I had a mutt that climbed up on the counter, ate an entire pizza and pierced holes in two cans of coke & drank those... at least the stuff that didn't spray all over the the walls and ceiling...

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  102. I needed this today. We got a puppy last week. This morning my son peed through his diaper, my daughter wet the bed, the cats knocked over a bucket of oxyclean water that poop cover underwear had been soaking in onto the upstairs carpet, and then I came downstairs to clean up two piles of dog poop (some of which was on a laptop bag, who knows how) and a piddle pad. I'm done with gross for today. (Yeah, right.)

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  103. Our late black lab didn't eat a ton of weird stuff but one time she got into something…we still don't know what…while we were at work. I came home with a 3 year old and a baby in a punkin seat to a house that smelled AWFUL. I figured there was poo somewhere. Nope…there was diarrhea EVERYWHERE. A lot of it was about dog butt high on the walls. Best we could figure she started having explosive diarrhea and ran away from it in fright (she would fart and scare her self all the time) hence spraying the living room, both boys' rooms, our bedroom, the kitchen, the laundry room, and the hallway. It took HOURS to clean up.
    Our puppy on the other hand (Llewelyn Setter) would eat the lab's poop….and carpet, socks, flip flops (not shoes…), and my favorite just the pepperoni off the top of an uncooked pizza…..

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  104. I'm so so happy this didn't go into a ton of detail. Thankfully my dog has yet to do such a thing

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  105. I love hearing other horror stories of dogs who eat everything. I had two dogs, who apparently thought we should redecorate our house. One ate our kitchen floor, ripping it up strip by strip, while we were at work. She also destroyed two couches and a chair, one at a time. The other, as a puppy, was not a carpet fan, and ate out a huge square, pulling it out strand by strand.

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    ReplyDelete
  107. I don't know why anyone will be surprised at what a dog does. It is a DOG.. They will eat turds, heck they clean their own butt hole with their tongue when they take a dump. Why anyone would even allow a dog to lick them is beyond me. They are nasty, filthy beast. People try to humanize them, but they are animals.....they are what God made them. A dog is so nasty, they will vomit and turn around and eat it. People can say they are their babies or they love them....but that don't change the fact that they are filthy animals

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