Tuesday, June 26, 2012

UPDATED: My Summer Plans

I wish I could remember March...
I've been a busy, busy beaver this year. Here's what the past nine months have looked like for me.

September:  I packed up my house and moved while my stupid awesome husband was on an intentionally long extended work trip on the other side of the country.
October: We moved. I unpacked and tried to sooth kiddos freaked out by the change.
November: I started writing for Babble.com and was constantly terrified that someone who was a real blogger would tap me on the shoulder and ask me to go away.
December: The Great Hooker Experiment with you guys. The holidays with my family.
January: Start teaching undergrads at a local college. Still writing for Babble. Still blogging here.
February: Blur of working and worrying and not sleeping and trying to juggle while also finding myself constantly weeping. I suspect the crying was due to Ellen's breast cancer, 3 friends telling me that their marriages were ending, and wondering where the hell Kate went.
March: I have no idea what happened in March.
April: Things start to make sense. Ellen was doing awesome. I was starting to wrap my head around work and deal with the horrifying learning curves/the fact that I am slow-witted. Friends going through major life changes seem to be dealing OK. Then Kate and I had a very hard week where we had to figure out what to do next and we were both sad kittens.
May: The Mother Project with you guys. Finals. Still writing for Babble. Still blogging here. Two of my kids have birthdays and birthday parties (because as previously mentioned - I am an idiot).

At some point between Mother Puckers and birthdays, my kids asked me to please stop looking at my phone so much. They were serious. I felt like a turd sandwich. Because they need me all the time and I have been kind of checked out. And I realized that I was so overwhelmed that the entire month of March really was just a blur. I took a good, long look at all three of my babies and they suddenly seemed so big. I gulped and excused myself and ugly cried in the bathroom as quietly as I could.

The Guilt. It is so crushing.

So this summer, I'm not teaching. I'm not writing for Babble. I'm focusing on being their mom ALL THE TIME. I'll still be here, of course, because this is my therapy. I just won't be here every day.

Part of what we try to do here is tell the truth. I've written before about how being a stay at home was (for a long time) my only job and I kind of sucked at it. Because it's really hard and life keeps throwing things at you. The changes just keep coming and it's hard to keep up with them.

I really think it's OK to admit when you're having a bad time with being a parent. Wouldn't life be easier if we would all just admit it, be open about our mistakes and then wake up the next day ready to do a better job? And everyone just accepted that as normal?

My kids need my attention right now. And it will only get worse this summer - trust me. Once school gets out, it's going to be a noisy, messy, clusteriffic, free for all around here. And I can't wait.

xo, Lydia

UPDATE 6/26/12: 
It's now two weeks into summer vacation. Here's what I've learned: I probably won't be writing (hardly) at all until the fall. I'm really sorry. Thing is, I promised my kids NO COMPUTER or blogging during the day. That is their time. And so far, we're having a blast together. Except for all the regular crap of course, but even that stuff isn't really that annoying for some reason. 

But by the time they're all in bed at night, and I'm able to sit down and write. I AM DONE. I really hope you understand and will still want to hang out with me later on - and maybe help some hookers or some mother puckers. See you soon and have a great summer.
xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

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