Sunday, September 2, 2012

UPDATE!! The Hotty Awards for Hotness or Something

9/2/12 - Scroll to the bottom for our big news.
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At the beginning of the summer, my oldest kiddo turned 9 and decided she had her own taste in music and needed to educate me on what was cool. So far that has meant a lot of One Direction and Carly Rae Jepsen. I was cool with this, as I have an unnatural love for all things poopy and fun. DAMMIT. That was supposed to say "POPPY" as in POP MUSIC but it auto-corrected to say "poopy" as in poo, which should pretty much tell you everything you need to know about my life.

(Please take careful note of this whole POPPY for cool people/POOPY for me thing so you can enjoy some irony in a minute.)

So my daughter started listening to the radio in her room and quickly reached the stage of tweenerdom whereby she has memorized every lyric to every single song that is played on her favorite radio station (for those of you in DC, it's Hot 99.5). If a song is played on that station - she knows it. I had reservations about this but whatever, I actually like that station and listen to it in the Big White Ford Tampon all the time.

I also have vivid memories of smugly correcting my mother as she tried to sing along with me to "Against All Odds" in 1985. I also remember her being mildly horrified (but mostly amused) when I sang all the words to "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses when I was the same age my daughter is now.

My husband disapproves of our oldest child rocking out in her room, citing the total inappropriateness of the songs on the radio these days. Please bear in mind that in my husband's brain, our daughters should wear pinafores and sing hymns. Also, a Pepsi costs a nickel and kids deliver newspapers wearing overalls. I think the inside of his brain is Mayberry.

On the other hand, I don't think it's a big deal if our kids listen to top 40, particularly when it results in unintentional hilariousness such as the now infamous Boobs Like Jagger incident. But then two things happened.

Thing One: Rapper Flo Rida demonstrated that he personally hates my guts because he released a single called "Whistle", obviously for the sole reason of GETTING ME IN TROUBLE WITH MY HUSBAND. The song came on the radio in the van and I'd never heard it before. And the volume was really loud because the last song before that was the Owl City/Carly Rae Jepsen song "Good Time" -- which is adorable. And then "Whistle" comes on. Just in case you didn't know - the song is about going downtown. And not on a bus. It is unambiguously about boypart sexytime.

Then Cap'n Coupon turned red and started sputtering out sentence fragments like: "Wha??? This is !! OBSCENE! Something should !? Does anyone else?! Tipper Gore!! I TOLD YOU, LYDIA!!"

Then things got slightly worse as my 9 year old daughter started singing along. Then the other kids joined in. They are 3 and 7.

After frantically hitting every button on the van's dashboard in a vain attempt to turn the radio off, I just hung my head and mentally braced myself for the momfail shitstorm that was about to come. Let's just say Hot 99.5 is now banned when Daddy is around.

Thing #2: This week, friends started calling and texting me that Hot 99.5 kept mentioning Rants from Mommyland on the air. I was like: "THAT IS AWESOME!! Wait. WAIT. OH MY GOD. HOW DID THEY FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED?! HOW DO THEY KNOW OF MY SHAME?!"

But they didn't even know about it! Somehow this blog got nominated for their so-called Hotty Awards. And I had nothing to do with it, people. I'm not even sure what a "Hotty Award" is except that if I'm nominated for one, then it has to be ironic. I mean, when Kate was here it would have made sense because she has long, blonde Texas hair and wears size extra tight, white pants and Jimmy Choos to the grocery store and hasn't eaten a carb since the late 90's. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Ahem. I eat carbs. I just save them for really, really special occasions. Like Impending Zombie Apocalypses. Because then I would need my energies. -Kate]  I however, wear size extra saggy yoga pants with my clogs. I have special hair that gets done in the strip mall by the Walmart. I go weeks without wearing make-up and scare strangers when I try to wear shorts. By the way, when I just tried to type "carb", it auto-corrected to "crab". Sigh... That makes total sense.

SO ANYWAY, OF COURSE I SHOULD WIN THIS IRONIC HOTTY AWARD.

If you vote for me, I promise to stage an elaborate acceptance ceremony that may include (1) jeggings (2) PajamaJeans (3) tap dancing in actual tap shoes (4) crying (5) cleavage (6) Kate (7) an a capella version of "Whistle" (8) me high-fiving strangers in a t-shirt that says "YES I AM A HOTTY. THANK YOU FOR NOTICING"

Here's where you vote: The Hotty Awards

xoxo, Lydia

PS It'll definitely include #6. AND carbs. xoxo Kate

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Haven't heard anything yet from the radio station but when we do, you'll be the first to know. 
WOO HOO!!

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

45 comments:

  1. Oh, Lydia, you're living my life again, aren't you?

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  2. Would you still love me & want to drink box wine with me & hang out with me if I told you how much I love One Direction? Can we blame it on my youngness & stupidity? I'm okay with that... whatever excuse you need.

    TOTALLY VOTED, BITCHES! :)

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  3. Omg I am so excited for you. I love Hot 99.5 and I listen to the Kane show every morning. Kids in the car...they listen too. I'm totally voting!

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  4. I voted for you over my best recipe friend P-dubs. Her olive bread is amazing but you make me laugh. And I totally want to see your rendition of Whistle.

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  5. This made me smile so much I cannot begin to say...to this day I correct my mother in the car on the lyrics to songs...and now my son. We were listening to Adele "Rumor Has it"...B-Boy says to me "Mama what's a whoo-hoo has it?" Smile and Rock on Friends!

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  6. This made me smile beyond all belief! I remember being a kid and singing along to Huey Lewis and The News and correcting my mother on the words..things I too should not have known! So the other day in the car my 4 year old and I are listening to Adele's "Rumor Has It". B-Boy says "Mama what's a Whoo-hoo has it? Is that like on the movie with the bear? (Open Season) So it's just a never ending cycle.

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  7. I think we have the same husband ... mine does similar things!

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  8. way to go, hottie! of course i thought you were talking about eating crabs, not carbs, and i was all, what's wrong w/ crabs? thanks for filling me in about that, uh, song. we've been listening to pop for only 1 year now (go figure) and i must admit i like a lot of the songs my daughter likes. that whistle song might send me right back to the one christian station around, though. xo

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  9. I've missed you... :-) Although I just choked on my afternoon iced latte... I really should know better. ;-)

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  10. I hate that song, I mean HATE. It's so darn catchy, I find myself whistling along against my will. The DJ on the radio the other day introduced the song by saying about how the song has helped her practice her whistling. I still can't decide if she means she is better at oral sex because of it or really just whistling...

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  11. You may want to think about wearing your sparkly taco shirt. Just saying.

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  12. I must sadly admit that I had no idea what the whistle song was actually about until my 14-year-old son explained it to my 10-year-old daughter. Then I was backpeddling trying to explain to my little sweetheart what her brother was talking about. *facepalm*

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  13. Well. This post is quite timely. JUST this afternoon, my husband casually mentions to me that if I am going to let our 6-year-old listen to my iPod, perhaps I should create a playlist for him to listen to of appropriate songs, because he was singing lyrics that he shouldn't be. I said, "Well, it can't be too bad because he pretty much only listens to the songs he recognizes from me playing them in the car. Innocent."
    .....Silence....
    Me: RIGHT?
    .....Silence.... A "LOOK"
    Me: Oh. Shit. What was he singing?
    Husband: Jizz In My Pants (by Lonely Island - SNL's Andy Sanburg....)

    HOKAY. Playlist, here we come! No pun intended.

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  14. This is seriously hilarious. I have having a complete crap hole of a day thanks to Bayou (Hubs), and now I am officially wetting myself with laughter. Thanks ladies!!

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  15. I usually let my kid put music on his ipod at his discretion (10 year old), as long as iTunes does not categorize it as "explicit". He has been thoroughly trained in what "good" music is (Beatles, most 80's pop, Bruno Mars). Imagine my horror at him singing, (loudly!) "Whistle"..... then he said, "mom, this song is so sweet. This nice guy is teaching his friend how to whistle." I couldn't stop chuckling to myself.

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  16. It's been a long summer without any rants, so I could not have been happier to find this post on my Facebook page this evening. I hope your schedule permits more rants about everyday life, TV appearances, and general hotness this fall. We've missed you!

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  17. I never know if I should ignore that song or draw attention to it by switching stations.....

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  18. Thank you for this post! My oldest kids turned nine this spring also, but we have been able to avoid Tweendom so far. My hubby also lives in Mayberry in his mind.

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  19. That "Whistle" song absolutely horrifies me. Aaaaand I can't stop singing it- it's so damn catchy! Thankfully my 6 year old is stuck on "Call Me, Maybe?" which soooo much more appropriate for a 6 year old girl to be singing. Right?

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  20. I had no idea that Flo Rida song was about sexy times. At all. And I am a highly experienced (ahem) 37 year old who knows all the words. Doh.

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  21. Whenever someone complains to me that music is so bad and vulgar today I like to remind them of Two Live Crew or Nine Inch Nails "Closer". Not saying music today is any better, but it's nothing new

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  22. Since I live under a rock and had never heard this song I had to go listen to it. If I was nine I would love this song...not knowing the whistle that he's referring to. As a mom with a conservative Mayberry hubby of my own...I would get in trouble too. I get in trouble for a lot of songs around here. Last week it was Tricky by run DMC. I feel your pain...and Lydia you rock that Hotty award!!

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  23. YaY - I VOTED for you :-) Awesome xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  24. Nice! Good luck with the award. I have voted for you both with my real Facebook account(which you seem to have to have to vote) and my extra account that I made so I could send myself gifts on Facebook games. :)

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  25. My son is only three but he loves to dance and sing along to "I'm sexy and I Know It" which makes me laugh my ass off every time. But I'm pretty sure his kindergarten teacher is going to hate us in a couple of years.

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  26. My daughter's unholy love for Katy Perry songs is the reason we've turned to Mini-Pops. They change the bad lyrics (sometimes hilariously) so that she can get her groove on and I don't have to nervously part the blinds on the lookout for Child Protective Services. I've never heard the Whistle song, and I won't be looking it up on youtube because that's what happens to me with every Pitbull song ever and then I have to sing it always.

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  27. Jeggings AND pajamajeans?!?! MADNESS!!! (voted)

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  28. 1. I feel like I’m getting to sit down with an old friend for coffee who I haven’t seen in a LONG time. So welcome back, we MISSED you! MISSED YOU!
    2. I feel as though now that I have a kid in elementary school that I have somehow unlocked a new level of the RFML life, I totally get all those stories on a whole nother level, so woot for me now being a level 4 warlock. Um I mean Mum…;D
    3. I hope you’ll come check out my blog, I’ve been writing a lot, and you guys are the ones that got me excited about the idea of being a Mommy blogger. http://fluffimama.blogspot.com/
    4. Have you seen the music video for Carly Rae Jepsen song ‘ call me maybe?’ It’s flippin hilarious!
    5. Tell Cap'N Coupon to CLIP IT, and quit being a prude <3
    6. I voted for you. You totally deserve a hotty reward!

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  29. Of course this blog should win- it is fantastic! So obviously I voted. :)

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  30. You're killing them Lyd!! You have nearly 600 votes already and the next closest is 189. Rock your boobstain, your Wal-Mart hair and MAC free face, LADY!

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  31. I definitely think you have the Wholesome Baby Food blog beat. WTF? Yes, I did make my kids baby food from the vegetables that I was going to eat anyway - only because the jar stuff tastes like ass crack (or what I would imagine ass crack to taste like) - but a whole blog on the subject? Obviously, some mom has some kind of post partum psychosis.

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  32. On the song note, I was told by the 3rd grade teacher - a nun - that I was a bad parent because the first song my kids learned was Marilyn Manson's The Dope Show. My husband is a metal head and turned them on to it. Tell your husband to chill. My now 16 year old has a 3.9/4.0 gpa AND knows every Led Zepplin album by heart. We won't discuss her strange fixation with the young Robert Plant...

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  33. I am fairly certain that I need to change my pants now..... because if I don't hold in my hysterical laughter, my little people will come running like they've missed something, but I could never really explain my tearful hyena guffaws and they'd just keep asking and asking and wanting to read what they won't get.... so I tried to hold in my chuckles; but every action produces a reaction and that reaction headed south to my unstable bladder. Thanks. No really, it was worth it all!!!! :-)

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  34. There's a mommy group in my city that was having a huge anniversary celebration. Tons of kids were there of all ages. They started doing a slide show and Whistle was like the second song on the slide show. I almost spit my soda out when I heard it. I couldn't believe they had that song at a massive kids' event. But I looked around and not a single other mom seemed to even notice and there was nothing said on the forums the next day when they posted the slideshow link. Still a little shocked because this group tends to lean towards the conservative when it comes to stuff like that in front of their kids. It's made me smile every time I think about it.

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  35. *Goes to radio website, votes for Rants From Mommyland* At least I think it went through. :/ I hope so, you guys (er, girls lol) deserve to win. :)

    Haha, as for your daughter singing songs like that, well, it's not as if she actually knows what they mean; and people understand that, that's why the idea of her singing along is so funny. :) I grew up in a house full of teenagers - all of my siblings are WAY older than me - I remember listening to and singing along with those types of songs and, as far as I know, I turned alright.

    I like that you accept it and don't try to cut her off from/hide it from her. She'll really appreciate you for it later, if she doesn't already now. ^^

    Ok, I'll stop talking now. lol Love your site, hope you win the contest! *Crosses fingers for you*

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  36. Hilarious. We don't do the Top 40 (thank goodness), but when I'm surfing around the car radio my four-year-old ALWAYS makes me stop for Ozzie. It started with Crazy Train...
    Thanks for the laughs!!!

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  37. My stepdaughters love Mumford and Sons, as do their dad and I. However, we cannot listen to "Little Lion Man" all together because of the big F-bomb in the chorus. We just acknowledge that it is there with a dopey grin at the middle-schooler and skip the song on the playlist. :)

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  38. Yay! Lydia's back! If it makes you feel any better, my almost 4yo daughter's favorite songs are "Shake, Shake, Shake" and "Fish Heads." The runners up are "Yoda" by Weird Al and that freaking "Call Me Maybe." Catchy piece of fluff, that one...!

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  39. Flo Rida got me in trouble too because apparently I am too naive to realize what he was talking about until about the 3rd time we heard it on the radio....by then the kids had picked up on it and were trying to "listen to the instructions on how to whistle"....OMG! So glad it wasn't just me! :) I wish I had the strength to just put in kiddy cds all day, but with 3 kids, my mind is gone without my top 40!

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  40. I was just saying the other day that this song is obscene and it would not be funny if my 6 yr old knew this song and he then walks thru the kitchen (it was playing on the radio while I was washing dishes) and began signing "Blow my whistle baby let me know" and I became mortified.......my hubby then began asking me how often he sings about blowing whistles........mortifying!!!! Now we are restricted to The Beatles (which is my son's favorite so he doesn't care) but I want to listen to my music too. Oh even funnier, my 1 year old was bobbing her head to this song the next day when it came on the radio in the car...... SIGH oh well that's life. Let's listen to Yellow Submarine one more time and cry silently as we all sing where we would like to be.

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