|This looks nice...|
As the summer approached and my husband's work schedule indicated that he would be spending large chunks of time on the road, I decided to dedicate my summer to being a stay at home mom again. I was hopeful that this would allow me to collect my shredded nerves, while making amends to my precious and fast-growing offspring for being kind of a medium bitch for the past five months.
Since one of my jobs was teaching (no school in summer!), it was comparatively easy for me to walk away from work for a few months. I would like to state for the record that I know how fortunate I am to be able to do this. Choosing time over money is the ultimate first world luxury. I know this. But I learned some stuff from this experience. Here's what it taught me:
1) The first few weeks of just being with my kids were pure and utter bliss. I appreciated the time with them and the flexibility to show up at their end of school year events more than I ever have. It was really great, even the part where I had to steam 150 hot dogs for the first grade carnival and my house smelled like a giant wiener for 3 days. Things that would have been irritating the month before were no longer a big deal. I was with my kiddos all the time and it was really, really fun. But in a few weeks in, something happened.
2) Transitions are hard for small people, even when they're supposed to be positive. At some point the children abruptly decided that the change in their schedule and mommy's sudden total availability to them was strange and unnerving. This resulted in some acting out. Some of the behavior was subconscious, and manifested itself in clinging to me in the manner of small, large-eyed monkeys. This behavior was endearing for approximately 22 hours and then all of my discs irreparably herniated*. Other reactions ranged from UFC-style sibling fist fights to "forgetting" to go to the bathroom until the pressure on a small bladder resulted in a truly unfortunate incident at Walmart.
*I'm fine now. It just felt that way.
3) When "new" becomes "normal", it stops being made of magic. Patience is not unlimited. I think that patience is always relative to circumstances. For example; it took me less than four weeks to revert back to the stage whereby at 10:30pm you could find me with an eye twitch shrieking: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - GO TO SLEEP OR THERE WILL BE A RECKONING."
4) It may be possible for me to consistently do things I never thought possible (like housework). Cleaning is so MUCH easier to deal with when (1) you're actually at home and (2) you don't have tiny, tiny kids. With very young children, there was just no point. No matter how good I tried to be, if someone hit my living room with one of those 20/20 Dateline blacklights, my house was going to start glowing bright enough to be seen from space.
This summer (for the first time since 2003) I have met two standards for housekeeping which - up til now - have been purely aspirational goals. Goal one was to keep the cleanliness level set to "not embarrassing". And I did it. No one cringed or got that weird "I must be polite" look when they walked in my house. I can feel you high fiving me right now, everyone.
|Randy the Laundry Fairy, my lifelong enemy. You're still a douche.|
It's just that when it's all done - it won't fit in the damn drawers because the drawers are all like: "What are you doing?! You know I can't fit all these underpants and socks in here. We have a system and that system is that you are horrible at laundry so it's never clean and put away at the same time. IDIOT. Go put this stuff in on the floor next to your bed the way God intended."
5) Summer is really, really expensive - especially when you are earning no money. The thing about school is - it actually saves us a lot of money. I never truly appreciated that before. All I know is, one month into summer vacation was exactly one month after I stopped getting paid. And exactly one month after I shelled out a boat load of cash for camps and classes and activities for the entire summer and DEAR GOD, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR CHECKING ACCOUNT?! Then all of a sudden, my husband started looking pale and asking me repeatedly if I'd used a coupon to pay for the toilet paper at Target. When I reminded him that I hate coupons because they are all very, very stupid, he said: "Until money falls freely from my buttocks, we have to use coupons."
6) I couldn't really put my phone away entirely. One of the problems with my crazy work schedule was that I felt checked out from my family for long stretches of time. That even when I was there, I wasn't there. I was checking emails on my iPad or sitting at my laptop and my kids started getting pissy every time I even looked at my beloved phone.
What I realized this summer was when we're all home together, we all need to check out and do our own thing for a while every day. For the boy, that was listening to Harry Potter audiobooks in his room while building Quidditch fields out of Legos. My littlest would play Polly Pockets for hours. My big girl would read or listen to music in her room. There may have also been some TV watching. Possibly.
So I found myself unapologetically reading books again, learning how to crochet, checking Facebook, chatting with friends on the phone (something I hadn't done in months), watching TV shows (Duck Dynasty, anyone?), and playing copious amounts of Temple Run on my phone. And I loved every minute of it.
7) But they still don't want me on my phone. I would love to make some statement here about how my epiphany regarding our collective need for personal space and down time led to my family to all get the peace and quiet that we require. But I mean, come on. I get the kids settled and I sit down to read a book and I hear "MOOOOM! Mommmy! Mom! Momma! MOOOOOMMM!", until I am reluctantly forced to stop what I'm doing and take care of whatever they need.
8) I never seem to regret taking the time to take time. We spent a lot of our summer being with people. We made new friends and made real friends of folks who had just been friendly acquaintances. That's hard for me. Making real friends as a grown-up (especially as a mom) has been kind of a rough road. It took some honest to goodness fear-swallowing for me to put myself out there and risking people being like "No thanks. You're a crazy person and fat loser. Friend request DENIED."
We also spent a lot of time with family. It was all really, really special and wonderful and there was hardly any weirdness at all. This included a visit from my sister and her little boy.
[Note: For those of you who have wondered how my sister is doing, she is really good. Her little boy is ADORABLE and is maybe the best baby in the history of ever. He's a year old and sleeps like an angel, eats everything you put in front of him and smiles and cuddles when he's not trying to wreak havoc. She and Charlie have been married for a year and a half and they're both doing well, have jobs they like and love being parents. They're broke and feel like the oldest 22 year olds in the world, but they also see some of the antics of their friends and feel pretty good about where they're at. They take no money from anyone and support their family themselves. I'm literally BURSTING with pride.]
9) It was worth it. It was all worth it. Even if it means we didn't save any money this summer and we are now broker than I thought we could be. Even if I never get another blogging job. Even if I made 6,783 parenting mistakes this summer when I was aiming for practically perfect in every way (also known as The Full Mary Poppins). I dreamed that freeing up my time would make me so patient and kind and awesome that my children and I would forge a special closeness. That closeness would protect us from bad things and bad moments and bad choices. And from me standing by helplessly, as they grow up and away from me.
But of course, that can't happen. ((muffled sob)) I know that whether I work full time or choose to dedicate my life solely to the task of raising kind, responsible and well-adjusted children, I will probably still manage to screw it up. And they will still probably turn out OK, in spite of me.
10. It's not enough. It's never enough. We did a lot of great stuff this summer. But a lot of things I planned on getting under control are still out there - waiting to be dealt with. And that's just how its going to be. No matter how much time I give myself to get my shit together, it's not enough. No matter how much attention I give my children, they will want more. The laundry was done all summer, but it will just need doing again next week. I knew all these things. Now I know them more.
|This is a good day. And that's fine.|
But I can live with that.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012