Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Oh Dear God I Think I'm Pregnant

Dude. I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Here's the thing. I don't want to have any more kids. I have three and they're awesome and beautiful and healthy. On most days, if I'm being honest, I'm completely over-matched. On a good day, it all works. On a bad day, they are tornadoes and I am a trailer park. Being the mom they need is an ongoing struggle for me. Being the mom they deserve is simply not something I'm able do. At least not every day.

So no more kids for me and Cap'n Coupon. Plus we are both getting really, really old. Even though I won't be 40 for a very long time (about 12 weeks), lately I feel elderly and fragile and perpetually exhausted. But in the past month there was this one time where we both felt young and frisky and maybe a little careless and maybe something could have happened. And by "something", I mean possibly one of my last remaining eggos becoming slightly preggo.

But it was statistically completely unlikely. I mean, this had to be nothing. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, STUPID. Because nothing is happening.

Then a couple of days after nothing happened I got this weird cramping. Like a tiny little something burrowing it's way my geriatric uterine lining. And I got a teensy bit scared and I maybe said: "OH SHIT THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING." Then a couple of weeks later, I started having really vivid dreams about the Blue Wiggle and other bizarro things, like having to breastfeed kittens.

And a few days ago I started smelling chicken. Like I could smell it when it was wrapped in plastic inside my fridge. And when I tried to eat it, I couldn't shake the idea that I was chewing flesh and I would involuntarily gag. Even Chick Fil A.

I do not want to be pregnant. I can't do this. This has to be nothing.

When that bite of spicy chicken sandwich made me gag, I knew something was up. I mentioned it to the Cap'n. He smiled and said "Let's get a test, honey" but the look in his eyes was saying "OH SHIT THIS CAN NOT BE HAPPENING."

So I went to Walmart with Mini. I haven't bought a pregnancy test in a long time. I walked over to the part of the store that sells things like shampoo, feminine hygiene products, toothpaste and band aids. My kids call this part of the store "The Bathroom Area". I asked why they call it this when the bathrooms are on the other side of the store, a full football field away. In truth, I was worried that Mini called it that because she had once dropped a deuce there or was currently planning to. Instead she looked at me like I was moron and said: "Momma, all dis stuff is suppose to be in your bafroom."

Fortified by her preschool logic, it occurred to me that I had no idea where the tests were (within the bounds of the bathroom area). So I headed for tampons. And I began looking carefully up and down the aisle. There were no tests anywhere. I started to get nervous because it was becoming apparent that I might have to ask someone where the pregnancy tests were. I would have to ask them that out loud.

To avoid that horrible fate, I began to look more carefully all over the tampon aisle. My inner monologue began: "COME ON, WALMART. Where are the pregnancy tests? WHY AREN'T THEY HERE IN THE AISLE THAT HAS TO DO WITH VAGINAS? This is the damn vagina aisle, is it not?" [Editor's note: Yes. Yes! I vow to call that aisle the 'Vagina Aisle' for the rest of my life. -Guru]

I started sweating a little. I walked over to where there were vitamins and supplements and other things that had nothing whatsoever to do with vaginas. Not surprisingly, there were no pregnancy tests there either. I saw an old man in a blue vest and I started to feel faint because I was going to have to ask him using my mouth. And dear Lord. My dear sweet baby lemur. He was talking to my daughter's third grade teacher.

So I ran away and hid in the corner where the vagina aisle intersects with body wash. There is douche in between those sections, in case you were wondering.

I waited five minutes and looked again, but I couldn't see the teacher or the man in vest. I started to get worried because the only thing worse than having to ask him with my mouthhole was for him not to be there. And for me to never, ever find the pregnancy tests. I started to feel light-headed. I walked to the next aisle and looked up. There he was, the man in the vest. He smiled at me. His face seemed kind and understanding, so I opened my mouth to speak but before any words came out, my eyes flicked over to his nametag.

It said "HO". I slowly blinked. It still said "HO". It flashed at me as if written in lights. I closed my eyes, counted to five and opened them again. No change, still "HO". I walked closer to him, staring at his name tag, to make sure that I was seeing it right. He started to back away, very slowly, while conspicuously avoiding eye contact.  Mini looked at me from her perch in the shopping cart and said: "Momma. What. Are. You. Even. Doing?"

It was a suitable wake-up call. I decided it might be best to avoid asking Ho where the pregnancy tests were, given that he may have just called security. I quickly spun around to make a break for it and right there at eye level was an enormous bottle of lube. Inner monologue: "GAH! What the hell, Walmart? That is A LOT of lube for this time of day."

Below the lube were many, many boxes of condoms and above it? Pregnancy tests. BINGO.

Hello there, Lube.
My inner monologue began again: "I don't get it. I mean - I understand why you would put pregnancy tests with lube and condoms in the sex aisle. But really? It's more of a vag item. Am I wrong?" Then I saw that the only other things in the aisle were antacids and hemorrhoid treatments and I was like: "That's why they're here. Because pregnant women totally need Rolaids and Tucks wipes. They should put ice cream over here, too. And non-alcoholic beer."

I nodded to myself in satisfaction that finally something was making sense and then I realized that I'd said that last part out loud. Mini was looking at me with one small eyebrow raised and Ho was peering around the corner looking concerned. This has happened to me before. Thankfully, no one was filming me for People of Walmart this time.

I quickly scooted my boot to the register and paid for my purchases. The woman checking us out was wearing a nametag that said "Noneya" and I was like WALMART, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH YOU TODAY?

I went home and when I pulled in the driveway, I noticed that Mini had just fallen asleep. GAH! The dreaded 5 Minute Car Nap was going to wreck whatever chance at a reasonable bedtime and/or evening I had hoped for. I carefully picked her up and carried my ginormous three year old inside. I felt her chubby hands go around my neck, her little face nuzzle into my neck, and I smelled her sweet head.

I plopped her down on the couch and watched her sleep for a moment. Her little toes scrunched up and I bent down and kissed them. These were the only kid toes in my house that were kissable anymore. The other ones were now all too big and stinky. 

I decided to take advantage of these few minutes of quiet and quickly ran upstairs. I took the test. I should've waited 2 minutes but I knew right away. It was negative. I expected to feel relief. I expected that I would want to go back to Walmart and high five Ho and Noneya after shotgunning a victory beer with the Cap'n. But I cried in the bathroom for what seemed like a very long time. And I tried to stop myself from feeling like I'd lost something. Because I'd lost nothing. It was always nothing.

So I went downstairs and held my littlest until she got too squirmy. And I fervently thanked my lucky stars for the somethings I already have.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

68 comments:

  1. This may be my favorite blog post I've ever read of yours. Hilarious. Poignant. Beautiful. Emotional. You got my heart pumping. That's good reading.

    I know that feeling, to lose something you didn't have and really feel that loss. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Dan. Sniffle.

      Delete
    2. And may I just point out that you are on a FIRST-NAME-BASIS with Single Dad Laughing???

      That right there is worth the price of admission.

      Delete
    3. Here's the story of that. Once upon a time, Dan Pierce was a baby blogger and read our stuff and left very sweet and funny comments. So we asked him to a write a Daddy Rant. And he said yes. Then his blog BLEW UP and he became very important and fancy. And all of a sudden Kate and I were teeny tiny compared to the Single Dad Laughing juggernaut.

      To our total surprise, a few weeks after the blow up, Dan emailed us and was like, "Ladies, when I was a newbie and nobody knew who I was, you reached out to me and thought I was a good writer & I really appreciate that. What can I do for you?" And since then, he has always been super nice and supportive and promoted our blog (even though we are v. raunchy compared to him) and he did not have to do that. I've never met him, but I think he's a good dude and he has always been a friend to Mommyland. Also, the people who have clicked over here from Single Dad Laughing are all really, really nice. So we feel lucky to have them stop by.

      The end.

      Delete
  2. I've so been there. We get pregnant through 8 kinds of birth control while living on different continents and I've been there. Lots 0f times I have stood staring in shock at the plus sign. Again. Lots of times I have cried buckets of irrational tears for a baby that never was. Because even on the hard days when you fail as a mother and want to leave them on the curb of a busy intersection, it is awesome. And even a baby that never was, was still a maybe and you are already falling in love.

    My heart goes out to you. Big time.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Must take test... twice! Just to be sure...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OMG Lydia my coffee just went down the wrong way when I read that! I can't say it near as nice as Single Dad Laughing so I'll just say awesome post :)

      Delete
  4. Yes. YES. I've been there. I do NOT want more children...besides everything you mention, I kind of almost die (literally) when I have them. (It's pretty dangerous, this preeclampsia thing.) I freak the heck out when I'm a day late, even with DH's Big V. But then, every time the lateness turns out to be nothing...there's that little, tiny sense of loss, and the eyes well up. Even though I really don't want it and never did. And that, I suppose, is proof of maternal instincts. (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am incredibly sick for all 40 weeks, but thankfully it's not life threatening or anything. Puking several times a day and exhausted. Like the worst hangover of your life but every day all day. I don't get sick enough that I need an IV or anything, but it's incredibly difficult. My last pregnancy was really, really rough. Including almost losing Mini twice - once when I broke my leg at 6 weeks and needed surgery and then at 36 weeks when my blood pressure spiked.

      Delete
  5. I cried, my husband and I desperately want number two, number one is 14 months old and acting like a pre schooler. We are military and they just put our housing up to market rate, we live in the most expensive suburb in the world. Our dream of having more than an only child just came crashing down, every time I freak out thinking that I am pregnant I am quietly hopeful, and never pregnant =(

    ReplyDelete
  6. In my life I have taken lots of pregnancy tests. Sometime I wanted those tests to be positive and sometimes I prayed for a negative. Funny thing is even whe you are sitting in you bathroom praying for that negative, when you actually see it ther is always that little twinge of disappointment. It is totally unexplainable, but you totally hit the nail on the head with this post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You maybe. Me? I do the happy dance of joy like Snoopy on meth. No twinges of anything but pulled muscles from too much happy dancing. :)

      Delete
  7. We're trying for one now, but a few years ago we didn't think we were ready. I went through the same feeling like I had lost something, then feeling silly because we weren't ready for one anyways, and a few other emotions thrown in for good measure. One of these days we'll get there.

    By the way, in my Walmart they have the tests behind the checkout counter, like where the cigerettes are.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have been there and done that and now my done that is 3 years old and growing up wayyyyy to fast........
    And just because I would retest again in a few days just in case and use a pink dye test not a blue dye test use first morning tinkle Walmart Brand ( equate ) is the go to test for all those trying to avoid and trying to concieve.

    I think I spend to much time on Mommy boards reading the trying to concieve sections and the trying to avoid sections *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes. Oh dear me, yes. You found the perfect words.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have to ask, was the clerk's last name Business? LoL.

    I know exactly how you feel, at the moment I am late. At the moment I am convincing myself that there's no way I'm pregnant (hubby has been snipped.) I refuse to get the test at this point because I don't 'feel' pregnant. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This reminds me so much of a blog post I read many years ago, where a woman had an almost identical experience. She described her negative result as though there were cheerleaders jumping up and down and spelling "N-O-T! P-R-E! G-N-A-N-T!", all except for the one cheerleader sitting in the corner and crying. Even though we KNOW we don't want to go back down that road, it's hard not to long for some of those lost moments. Thank you for sharing this with us!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I always buy my pregnancy tests from the Dollar Store. In bulk. Because they're a dollar. And you don't feel guilty about taking them every other day. I love taking pregnancy tests.

    But at my Dollar Store the checkout guy is one of those slightly slow guys who wants to discuss your items in depth. The first time I bought 5 pregnancy tests - with my 4 month old in tow - he said "Trying for #2,huh? Looks like you're hoping for a yes" and I was MORTIFIED and mumbled something under my breath and he said "Good luck!" when I left.

    The next month when I went back and bought another big stack I prayed he wasn't there. But he was. The ONLY one working. I can't even remember the comment he made but in a moment of panic, I completely lied and said, "I have to be honest (What??? I was not being honest!) - they're to play a joke on a friend" thinking that would end it. NO.
    He looked confused and said "How are you going to do that?"
    Me (desperately fumbling for my credit card): "Ummm...we're just going to hide them all over her house"
    Him "Are you going to try and make them look positive?"
    Me (WILL THIS EVER END?): "No, we're just going to try and freak out her husband"
    Him "What's he going to do? Is he going to be mad?" (Seriously?!?! Is this guy still talking to me about this?? Does he know I have to make up lies every time he asks another inane question?)
    Me "I don't think so..." (as I quickly shuffle out the door avoiding any more eye contact

    Needless to say, when I went back last month for a third stack and he was still the only one working I bought a bunch of dollar crap I didn't need and hid the tests in the middle.

    ReplyDelete
  13. absolutely. been there- freaked out- cursed walgreens (did you know there's a lubricant called Jose Lube??)- completely pitted out my shirt waiting in line- cried buckets when it was negative. crazy days...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Beautifully written, Lydia. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  15. This was just what I needed on a day when I'm the trailer and the tornadoes are raging. Everything you wrote was just perfect, and summed up my feelings completely! I think I'll go kiss a couple toes (and just pray they don't kick me in the face in that I'm-a-toddler-and-can't-keep-still-for-a-second kind of way :) )

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is my favorite post to date, and I have read them all. Not gonna lie, I got a bit teary there at the end. Had to go hug my kids.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I had the big scare recently. I remember the moment I freaked out- I cracked an egg and the smell made me nauseous. I darn near panicked. I counted weeks since my last flow, and it was late, though I always have been a little weird with that. I had the tie down done during my last c-section because I don't want more children, and yet my children seemed ultra determined to be born (2 forms of birth control didn't stop either one). My poor husband had enough on his plate, so I waited until the older one was at preschool and rushed out to get one and took the baby with me. And, of course, baby had to be the most adorable thing ever during the whole process- smiling and waving at people who smiled at her, laughing like crazy when playing with her favorite toy, snuggling up to me as I read her a book and giving me her first hug as I put her down for nap, and falling asleep immediately and looking like an angel. So when I took the test and I wasn't I felt like you did, like I lost something. I really wanted a boy when baby was born, but I got my beautiful little girl, and while I'm crazy for her I still kind of wish I had a boy.
    By time time baby got up and I picked up my daughter I realized how lucky I truly was. Despite difficult pregnancies and batting two for two with my girls winding up in the NICU I have a happy, healthy family. My girls can be the sweetest little things, and not a day goes by that they don't put a smile on my face. I'm blessed to have them.
    Of course in the time it took me to make a meatloaf and get it in the oven they turned my clean family room into the after shot in a Michael Bay film, and that helped, too.

    ReplyDelete
  18. So funny you should post this today since this has been the only thing on my mind for 2 weeks! I'm in the same situation and find out tomorrow if I'm actually pregnant. While I do want one more, my first is barely 6 months. I'm not sure if I can handle 2 that close together and I would hate to have to wean my baby early. Although if I'm not pregnant I think I will cry too. For the past few weeks I've been sort of assuming I am. I guess it is possible to get attached to something that never was.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Lydia, I just want to give you a hug. *internet hug* I never wanted children. Then, I got pregnant. I'll spare you the horror of that first test and just sum it up with the words I spoke to my best friend when I flew to her house "The pee-stick says I have to jump off the I-74 bridge!". But...I got over that and have a wonderful husband and my very own 2.5 year old "precious little cupcake baked by the devil". I call her Darth Molly. It fits. After the surprise of Molly, I had an IUD placed. But still...part of me wishes and dreams of another little baby. Maybe a more chill one. One that I would be more prepared and less panicked over. But.....I'm slamming headlong into 40 in January, and I'm tired and in nursing school, and we're one step from destitute, and.....all the "ands". Even with my little copper friend, every month when I get my period.....there's that sadness. It might be brief, maybe lasting just until Darth Molly paints half the house with peanut butter, but it's there. The could have's and maybe's and what if's...the possibilities. That's what gets me. I loved your post. Even if it made me cry.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Newbie commenter but I have to say that since I'm, too, just this side of forty, the idea of having another one is scary and daunting. I mean, we'd love the wee one, but still it's a SCARY thought. It ranks right up there with tornadoes and hurricaines (in Iowa natch). But loved every second of this...and the ending? Bittersweet.

    ReplyDelete
  21. If a petrified egg is fertilized, do you birth a baby pterodactyl?

    ReplyDelete
  22. That is very similar to what happened to me. 3 kids, the youngest was a holy-handful of a 1 year old. The difference was that the test was positive! We were not in a good place financially or maritally, and I struggled to be a "good mom" daily. I also bawled for hours. My husband kept saying, "Its okay, we can do this! You wanted 4 kids anyway." But the fact was that I felt okay with the 3 we had. But "Charlie" was on the way. Nicknamed by the kids because they didn't want to call it "baby." Now Charlie is 3 and he's way more of a holy-handful than his brother ever was. Imagine incidents with poo, toothpaste, shampoo, oatmeal, paprika, salt, flour, etc. And I couldn't imagine my life without the little stinker. Thank you. I loved this post!

    ReplyDelete
  23. That is very similar to what happened to me. 3 kids, the youngest was a holy-handful of a 1 year old. The difference was that the test was positive! We were not in a good place financially or maritally, and I struggled to be a "good mom" daily. I also bawled for hours. My husband kept saying, "Its okay, we can do this! You wanted 4 kids anyway." But the fact was that I felt okay with the 3 we had. But "Charlie" was on the way. Nicknamed by the kids because they didn't want to call it "baby." Now Charlie is 3 and he's way more of a holy-handful than his brother ever was. Imagine incidents with poo, toothpaste, shampoo, oatmeal, paprika, salt, flour, etc. And I couldn't imagine my life without the little stinker. Thank you. I loved this post!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Loved this post so much... but are you taking more tests? I had a "scare" like this in the last month and I didn't get a positive until test #4 or so. I thought I would my life would shatter to 30 billion pieces if I were pregnant again, but when the first 3 were negative, I felt disappointment too. So by the time it was positive, my freak out was pretty mild, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I just became more obsessed with you than I was before! You are ana amzing write and super funny at that! I've never had that experience just yet. I am only 21.. I could imagine how you feel!

    absolutely love you and your blog <3

    xoxo Yesi @ For Miami and Love <3

    ReplyDelete
  26. Aw. I didn't see that coming. Isn't it funny how your mind can be making all these adjustments and calculations without your conscious participation? Humans are amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  27. You know, I don't often click on this blog expecting to be balling at the end of the post, and while at work too so that makes it especially uncool :)

    The Walmart near us decided for SOME reason to stick the pregnancy tests up in the front behind the register with the cigarettes.... So I had no choice but to audibly ask a human being for one. I think I broke some sort of record with how fast I paid for that sucker. Then I got out to the car and realized it was one of those ultra fancy digital $15 tests. And there was NO WAY I was going to return it. That was the fanciest false test ever. After that I decided to buy them online. (You can get a 12 pack of test strips for like $5) Of course, the very first one was positive. Of course.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ... Expecting to be balling... ROTFL. Best typo/spelling error EVAR! :)

      Delete
  28. This post made me all snuffly and it made my eggs all itchy... my littlest IS turning 1 today.... I guess I should warn my hubby...

    http://dontchewonthedinnertable.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  29. You totally nailed it. We're trying for #3 now...since December. And there've been a month or two when I wasn't RIGHT ON TIME when I felt that loss for something I didn't have. But you're dead-on about being thankful for the somethings I DO have!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Great post! My boyfriend (McDreamy) and I are both divorced with 2 children apiece, plus he lives on the other side of the country right now (he's military, and I'm not mobile because of my ex). Just after he moved, I started getting really nauseous in the mornings and was generally exhausted all the time, and I was 2 weeks late. Even though McDreamy had had a vasectomy, I was suddenly CONVINCED that something had grown back together. I freaked out. I don't know when McDreamy and I can even live in the same city, and neither of us wants more children - it was a Big Conversation. Despite all this, I carried around for several days an image of a baby girl in my head. For some harebrained reason, I even had a name for her. Of course, I wasn't pregnant - it's not like it was even a possibility, and it would have been a disaster, but tell that to my heart. The day I decided to take a pregnancy test (I agree, all that stuff should really be on the vag aisle), I started my period. And then I called McDreamy and cried. Sweet man that he is, he didn't act like I was crazy, and he even agreed in soothing tones that the name I'd picked would have been a wonderful name.

    Didn't y'all run a post awhile back with the different iterations of pee sticks through one's reproductive life? Ages 18, 30, 35, 40, or something like that?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Great Post!! Had that scare 6 1/2 years ago (yes, my son is 6 1/2-my test turned out positive)-major freak out, had 2 kids(girls) already. Hubby found out by me throwing Preg test sticks at him on way out door to buy more tests, sobbing and hysterical (it was his birthday too). Didn't help I was "advanced maternal age" per MD's either. Hubby snipped shortly after sons birth.
    I knew I was done having kids when a scare few months after son was born turned out to be nothing and all I felt was relief:) (Hubby, it turns out, never went back for 2nd check!)
    Here's hoping you get to enjoy your glass of wine tonite, while reflecting on your wonderful family, and look forward to using your bafroom products without an audience of wee ones soon lol:)

    ReplyDelete
  32. I do love this post. We've been failing at trying for our second, I miscarried just last week, and I totally didn't want to open this. I saw it and I was like "Damn. No." But I'm glad I did because it made me smile, laugh and then cry a little. Thanks for getting me out of my own head today Lydia :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. Big hugs for you. We're done as well, like hubby had the big snip snip when Cheech was only 6 months old. I was kind of pissed at the time, but Mr. 'can't schedule a dental visit' had called and scheduled this all by himself.
    Then when she was 4 I had to have my uterine lining burned out. Most painful thing I'd ever had done...it was supposed to stop my monthly friend, but it didn't. We don't really think or consider anything about pregnancy anymore, but one month I skipped my cycle and it freaked me out. I was all, oh no, this isn't good at all. I went to dollar tree (shout out, dollar tree tests are cheap and accurate, and I don't have a chatty cashier) and I got my negative. I was relieved but still sad. I didn't tell hubby about it until after the negative - why should we both stress? He was like, it's not possible and I reminded him that it's not likely, it's not really safe, but it could be slightly possible. My kids are 6 and 8 now and I'm still content with the blessings that I have. I have fond memories of baby time, but I have a lot of not so fond ones too. I'm sorry for your sadness, and hope you're content as well - or will be soon.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Wow..... I'd love to live in your brain for a little while.. and thanks for naming the vagina aisle. ... gonna use that. And thanks for photographing the sex section. It's so funny. If you use this & that, you're gonna need this too.

    ReplyDelete
  35. God I love you. There I said it. Whatever. I am not ashamed. You just shared basically every feeling I have ever had about a what-if scenario...and also the reason why my hubby had the Big "V"! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  36. My husband got back last week from a business trip with his typical been-gone-forever need. It was 10:30 p.m., I'd been up since 4 with our 9-month-old, and I'd only been back on the pill for 5 days. I'm praying that I'm not pregnant and yet there's that tiny part of me that's hoping I am. Another week will tell.

    Fingers crossed.

    ReplyDelete
  37. This was fantastic. You had me laughing out loud and then crying, damn you. You're good.
    I had just such a moment in my gyno's office at my yearly just after my 40th birthday. After she got me all scheduled for my first boob-squeeze-machine appointment, oh joy, she asked if I was done having children. Without hesitation, I gave my standard "Hell, yes -- this One I have is like raising five" response... And then she brought out the shiny brochures on the shiny new procedure that could permanently sterilize me and wouldn't it be wonderful to not have THAT worry anymore? The peace of mind, the freedom, the clarity. And I lost it. Crying over something that I didn't want anymore but still felt so sad to lose. If that doc didn't know any better, she'd have thought it was my time of the month, hahaahaha...

    ReplyDelete
  38. An amazing and touching post. We've all been there, haven't we?

    ReplyDelete
  39. This post was so fantastic! It made me laugh and I also feel for ya. Great great story.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Perhaps one of the best Facebook links I have found myself clicking on. Well said.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Lydia you put into words what I have felt before! You think you may be pregnant and you didn't know that you might even one smidge wanted to be until right that second. That "baby spark" you carried around with you for a day or two thinking about getting a test. Then I'd get the test and sit anxiously on the bathtub waiting for a result, knowing that I would cry whether it was positive or negative. Negative and the relief washes through you, or maybe it's not relief? Feeling that with you today my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Great post. Robin turns 4 next week, and I understand the last of the kissable feet. Oh, how I understand cherishing those moments.

    ReplyDelete
  43. You totally just pulled a Kate on us!!!

    (You know, where you write a hysterically funny and well-written post and then pull the old bait & switch on us and I'm sitting at my desk crying and thinking I might want a baby again soon.)

    In other words? YOU HO.

    ReplyDelete
  44. We'd been trying for number 3 for 3 1/2 years when I finally got pregnant...right after I had decided that I'd be okay with stopping with the 2 we already had. Half of me was happy beyond words, and half of me was overwhelmed and tired and I was almost glad that hubby was stuck in a meeting and couldn't take my phone call. Went and sat at my best friend's house and cried and ate too much ice cream. Like Glinda sings in Wicked, "Getting your dreams, It's strange, but it seems, A little - well - complicated." Now she's my 18 month old ball of energy, but her 9 year old sister and 6 year old brother adore her and I couldn't imagine our family any other way.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Oh yes those mixed feelings. Yep they take a long time to go away. Awesome post.

    ReplyDelete
  46. this has got to be the best blog post ever on being pregnant but not. so funny, but so overwhelming with feeling. i am in awe. love it and thanks for the vag isle. best. ever.

    ReplyDelete
  47. That is a lot of lube for this time of day -after so glad I wasn't drinking anything! So overwhelming. I haven't been in the market for a prego test for a while - not by my choice - but I so know that feeling! Thanks for bringing back some fond memories.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Been there... and yeah I'd wait a week and retest just in case ;)

    ReplyDelete
  49. I have been there and I feel your sense of joy, relief, grief all rolled up into a little ball knotted up in your throat. There have been times when I hope I don't get my period and I get a suprise baby. Yet, I don't think I really want a baby. I just miss mine being babies. Thanks for the words! I felt your emotion and that my friend, is great writing!

    ReplyDelete
  50. Awesome! Hilarious! You perfectly captured one of the girlie things with all its emotions, that we have all experienced! Love reading your blog! You keep me laughing!

    ReplyDelete
  51. I have two CRAZY boys, ages 4 and 1, and most of the time I think "no more, no way, not ever!" But then sometimes I think "well, maybe one more, someday". I'm only 28 so it's possible, but for now, my Mirena is my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  52. I love you guys. You make me laugh and you make me cry a little (okay, sometimes a lot).

    ReplyDelete
  53. I'm not a mom nor do I plan to be any time soon, but for some reason I am strangle addicted to your blog! Even though I really can't relate to any of the mom stuff, I just come and read and laugh and you make my work day a little better! Hilarious post by the way

    also the name "Noneya" if for servers/clerks etc. so when creepy guys ask for their names you can say "Noneya Business"

    ReplyDelete
  54. Great post..Wow, you got it. So happy to have you among us. Fellow flier, June Maddox.

    How long have you been blogging? I've got a lot too learn form you, new friend. Nice. Really Nice. June Maddox

    ReplyDelete
  55. So I just laughed until I peed a little and then cried at the last paragraph. Stupid 28 week hormones...

    ReplyDelete
  56. im getting married tomorrow yay im so proud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

What My 9 yr old is reading:

Stuff that Mini Loves

Popular Posts