Friday, September 21, 2012

The Talk - Live with Lydia

This really couldn't be more embarrassing. First of all, they start the clip with the hosts literally bracing themselves for my presence on the set. Am I imagining this? Am I reading too much into their body language?

Oh no. Of course not.

Because then Natasha says: "Compose yourselves because it's about to get not composed in here." THIS IS NOT A SURPRISE, HOOKER.* I have been "not composed" on your show for almost 2 whole years. Remember that time Kate said "strap on" and I snorted and almost started crying? And how I forgot the word for that thing that goes on top of your car so I called it a "hoo haw" and you gave me the stink eye? And that other time when you kicked me with your fancy high heeled boot and I was like: "DO YOU WANT SOME?!" and then we got into a slap fight? (That last part was a lie). 

*She is not really a hooker. I use that as a term of endearment (as you all know) because I love her.

But honestly, a slap fight may have been the only thing to have saved my performance in this clip. It is just too painful to watch and I'm a total jackhole with no business going on TV ever. But I'll show it to you because we're friends and because maybe you need a hearty laugh at someone else's expense right now. So here we go.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

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