Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Why None of the Dads Will Make Eye Contact with Me

Who me? A jackass? YES, yes & yesser.
Remember that time I told you the story about how I threw up at Five Guys and how stories of me humiliating myself in public spring from a well that will never run dry? Then there was that time I tried to impress my boss' boss and they thought I was potentially dangerous and then more recently when I tried to get pizzas donated but almost got escorted out?

Well, it happened again.

So, last night was at the first baseball practice of the fall season. In one hour, I managed to ensure that no one on my son's little league team will have anything to do with me. Because I am a complete and utter f*cking moron with no ability to filter.

I show up at practice and was delighted to see Kate(!!) whose little dude Happy was practicing at the field next to ours. So she and I sit together on the bleachers with my friend DeeDee and settle in for a nice, long chat about everything stupid that makes us happy.

There are small children everywhere, as lots of siblings have been dragged along to practice.  Most of them are happily playing in a large pile of dirt about five feet away. A bunch of dads are hanging around on the bleachers near us, watching practice, messing with their phones and occasionally inserting a funny comment into our conversation. I know only some of these dads, none of them very well and most not at all.

Lydia: (whispering so that people who don't know me won't think I'm stupid) EAU MAH GAH. I just saw on the internets that Kelly and Dylan from 90210 are in love and together in real life. Like right this minute, they are together and happy.
Kate and DeeDee: NO WAY! WHAT?! REALLY?!
(Kate starts messing with her phone)
DeeDee: That's awesome because Kelly's ex-husband really seems like a dirtbag. Like who the hell was he until he got cast in Twilight and then all of a sudden he's too cool to be married anymore.
Photo taken from E!
Lydia: (nodding) Yes. Even though, he's on that show Nurse Jackie and that's a pretty good show. I totally agree. Dirtbag.
Kate: (looks up from her phone) It's not true. Apparently they're good friends and they're potentially pitching a sitcom or something together.
Lydia: That's too bad. There was this really cute picture of him hugging her from behind, sort of in a Prince Harry bear-hug kind of way, except of course, he wasn't naked like Prince Harry. (sigh...)
Kate: (tapping her phone) It says here that Kelly is dating someone else.
DeeDee: That's nice for her. I hope she's successful in the future. I mean, Twilight is over for her ex, right? All there is left to do is promote the last movie.
Kate: (snorts) That's going to be all kinds of fun.
Lydia: Yah. Because all anyone will ask about is Kristin Stewart being all cheaty and if Robert Pattinson can stand to be in the same room with her.
Kate: I read they're considering getting back together.
DeeDee: Yuck.
Lydia: (now talking really loud as am very excited) "I know! They shouldn't get back together! She should just go do her thing and...
(I suddenly become aware that all the dads are listening to me as I am talking really loud and fast like a teenage girl discussing One Direction, except I am a 39 year old mother of 3 and realize how totally foolish I sound but I can't stop talking even though I know I should. My brain is screaming "STTTTOOOOPPPP TAAAAALKKKINGG" in slow motion and yet I just. keep. talking.)
...and he should drink lots of pints like a good Englishman and take advantage --
[pause. I meant to say something like "sympathy nookie" or "sympathy lovin" but out comes the following:]
...of all the symPUSSY that he can get, right?"

Even this cat is disgusted with me.
SILENCE. Mouths drop open. Small children stop playing with dirt and wonder why the chubby lady is talking about cats. Because the "sym" was barely audible and the "PUSSY" was extremely loud and I knew as I said it that I shouldn't be saying it and yet out it came, nonetheless, because something is clearly wrong with me.

Then there was an explosion of laughter. Kate and DeeDee started first. They were howling. Then one the dads I didn't know started shaking with suppressed laughter and had to turn around and not look at me. The dad I did know took out his phone - snapped a picture of my bright red, completely horrified face and asked if I wouldn't mind repeating myself.

I almost went and hid in the dugout. But I knew I needed to apologize and so I tried to say how sincerely sorry I was for saying something so inappropriate and in front of other people's kids and I was so embarrassed I practically wanted to cry and that only made everyone laugh harder.

I know, Cedric Diggory. I feel the same way.
Thankfully, Kate and DeeDee started talking about something else and then one of the kids needed me for something so the moment passed. But I couldn't even make eye contact with anyone for the rest for the practice. When it was time to go, I tried to apologize one more time and all the dads just shook their heads and snickered and said "Don't worry about it" but I know what they really meant was "Isn't this the psycho on that Honey Boo Boo show?"

It wasn't until I was on my way home, still burning and chaffing from my own idiocy, that I realized there was a silver lining. I had invented a new word.

Sympussy (n.): When you feel bad for someone so you offer up some sexytime. Also; sympathy motivated loving.

So at least I have that. Because it's going to be a very long baseball season...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

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