Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Why None of the Dads Will Make Eye Contact with Me

Who me? A jackass? YES, yes & yesser.
Remember that time I told you the story about how I threw up at Five Guys and how stories of me humiliating myself in public spring from a well that will never run dry? Then there was that time I tried to impress my boss' boss and they thought I was potentially dangerous and then more recently when I tried to get pizzas donated but almost got escorted out?

Well, it happened again.

So, last night was at the first baseball practice of the fall season. In one hour, I managed to ensure that no one on my son's little league team will have anything to do with me. Because I am a complete and utter f*cking moron with no ability to filter.

I show up at practice and was delighted to see Kate(!!) whose little dude Happy was practicing at the field next to ours. So she and I sit together on the bleachers with my friend DeeDee and settle in for a nice, long chat about everything stupid that makes us happy.

There are small children everywhere, as lots of siblings have been dragged along to practice.  Most of them are happily playing in a large pile of dirt about five feet away. A bunch of dads are hanging around on the bleachers near us, watching practice, messing with their phones and occasionally inserting a funny comment into our conversation. I know only some of these dads, none of them very well and most not at all.

Lydia: (whispering so that people who don't know me won't think I'm stupid) EAU MAH GAH. I just saw on the internets that Kelly and Dylan from 90210 are in love and together in real life. Like right this minute, they are together and happy.
Kate and DeeDee: NO WAY! WHAT?! REALLY?!
(Kate starts messing with her phone)
DeeDee: That's awesome because Kelly's ex-husband really seems like a dirtbag. Like who the hell was he until he got cast in Twilight and then all of a sudden he's too cool to be married anymore.
Photo taken from E!
Lydia: (nodding) Yes. Even though, he's on that show Nurse Jackie and that's a pretty good show. I totally agree. Dirtbag.
Kate: (looks up from her phone) It's not true. Apparently they're good friends and they're potentially pitching a sitcom or something together.
Lydia: That's too bad. There was this really cute picture of him hugging her from behind, sort of in a Prince Harry bear-hug kind of way, except of course, he wasn't naked like Prince Harry. (sigh...)
Kate: (tapping her phone) It says here that Kelly is dating someone else.
DeeDee: That's nice for her. I hope she's successful in the future. I mean, Twilight is over for her ex, right? All there is left to do is promote the last movie.
Kate: (snorts) That's going to be all kinds of fun.
Lydia: Yah. Because all anyone will ask about is Kristin Stewart being all cheaty and if Robert Pattinson can stand to be in the same room with her.
Kate: I read they're considering getting back together.
DeeDee: Yuck.
Lydia: (now talking really loud as am very excited) "I know! They shouldn't get back together! She should just go do her thing and...
(I suddenly become aware that all the dads are listening to me as I am talking really loud and fast like a teenage girl discussing One Direction, except I am a 39 year old mother of 3 and realize how totally foolish I sound but I can't stop talking even though I know I should. My brain is screaming "STTTTOOOOPPPP TAAAAALKKKINGG" in slow motion and yet I just. keep. talking.)
...and he should drink lots of pints like a good Englishman and take advantage --
[pause. I meant to say something like "sympathy nookie" or "sympathy lovin" but out comes the following:]
...of all the symPUSSY that he can get, right?"

Even this cat is disgusted with me.
SILENCE. Mouths drop open. Small children stop playing with dirt and wonder why the chubby lady is talking about cats. Because the "sym" was barely audible and the "PUSSY" was extremely loud and I knew as I said it that I shouldn't be saying it and yet out it came, nonetheless, because something is clearly wrong with me.

Then there was an explosion of laughter. Kate and DeeDee started first. They were howling. Then one the dads I didn't know started shaking with suppressed laughter and had to turn around and not look at me. The dad I did know took out his phone - snapped a picture of my bright red, completely horrified face and asked if I wouldn't mind repeating myself.

I almost went and hid in the dugout. But I knew I needed to apologize and so I tried to say how sincerely sorry I was for saying something so inappropriate and in front of other people's kids and I was so embarrassed I practically wanted to cry and that only made everyone laugh harder.

I know, Cedric Diggory. I feel the same way.
Thankfully, Kate and DeeDee started talking about something else and then one of the kids needed me for something so the moment passed. But I couldn't even make eye contact with anyone for the rest for the practice. When it was time to go, I tried to apologize one more time and all the dads just shook their heads and snickered and said "Don't worry about it" but I know what they really meant was "Isn't this the psycho on that Honey Boo Boo show?"

It wasn't until I was on my way home, still burning and chaffing from my own idiocy, that I realized there was a silver lining. I had invented a new word.

Sympussy (n.): When you feel bad for someone so you offer up some sexytime. Also; sympathy motivated loving.

So at least I have that. Because it's going to be a very long baseball season...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012


  1. Oh, I've missed you, Lydia! Nice to know I haven't been humiliating myself all alone this summer.

  2. Bwaahahahahaha - Excellent. This made me snort !!!! I am sure they won't hold it against you forever !! :-)
    LUV the new word to... I'll be using that one I think LoL xxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Oh how I have missed you this summer. Welcome back, glad to read you haven't changed. Good to know someone inserts their foot into their mouth as often as I do.

  4. hahah I have had moments like that too. I love when I'm the funny chubby girl but I always take it a touch too far. I am dreading going to PTA meetings and people needing to bring their kids and I come out with Sympussy. its going to happen because it's in my head now. LOL Thank you for letting me know i'm not alone. Is it too early to hit the "juice box"?

  5. OMG, I've missed you! As for humiliating yourself....I don't think it's as bad as you think it is. The dad's are now all going to want to hang out with you just to see what you might say next. People without filters are awesome. Love ya!

  6. HA! at least they were laughing, not glaring reproachfully. that's the worst. : )

  7. I do feel your pain. As team mom for my son's peewee football team last year, I was helping direct the boys in the post practice cleanup. You know "go grab those cones" "get the water jug", that kind of stuff. All was great till, the small kid was struggling with that big sack they use for balls. "Hey go over there and help that kid with his ball sack" in my loudest, Mom voice. Picture every parent dying with laughter and pretty much every kid as well. And then the whole rest of the season "go ask the team mom to help you with your ball sack". I spent most of the season red faced. The coach's wife made sure to relive for any parents not present for the actual event.

  8. Obviously this needs to be added to Urban Dictionary.

    1. Already there. :) :) :)

  9. This is only made better by the fact that the made-up word was accidental. They're not as valuable when a lot of thought has been put into them. Classic.

    And what is it about that I'm-babbling-and-can't-shut-up issue some of us have? I swear to god that I hear an alarm going off in my head, that something horribly, socially awkward is about to happen and it's like all the wires have crossed and it is IMPOSSIBLE to put the brakes on this train-wreck-in-progress. I'd like to blame being home with kids for almost 5 years now, but I suspect, given my sparse social life, that it's been going on for a lot longer than I'd like to admit. Which means, back when I was a big-shot business chica meeting with bigger-shot strangers on a regular basis, I left a trail of humiliating rubble behind without ever noticing... *sigh*

  10. I will add to the rest how much I missed you! This blog is the best way to start my day!! And don't worry, all those dad secretly think you're cool now.

  11. Love you, Lydia!!! Don't worry. I'm pretty sure your are their new hero!

  12. Seriously, as humiliated as you are, you prolly earned a TON of street cred with those Dads. Most of the Moms are too stuck up and snotty to be any fun. Now they know who the fun one is :D

  13. I agree--all the dads are going to want to hang out by you because you actually said what they'd love to. I LOVE starting my day with you ladies!

  14. I'm so glad you're back!!!!!! Hahaha

  15. OH!!! HOW I'VE MISSED YOu!!!

    the daily snickers and "yep been there" too's.

  16. Oh, this made me cry. Thank goodness I had swallowed my coffee before I started reading, so I didn't snort it out my nose.

  17. I had never read the Five Guys post before. Thanks to you, I'm now sitting here with Alice Cooper style mascara running down my face from laughing so hard. That's what I get for reading your blog at work!

    Thanks for helping the rest of us Crazy Clowns not feel so alone!

  18. Definitely been there - I think we need to find someone to write a guide on what's appropriate to say (or to know about certain celebrity relationships) because I've clearly lost mine. If I ever had one...

  19. Hahahahaha! That was awesome! I wouldn't sweat it. I think if anything you probably earned cool points from the dads. They were laughing! I love the new word, and I agree - I do NOT think RPattz should get back together with KStew. If I weren't married with 3 kids I might help him with that sympussy. ROFL

  20. I love you. Please come be my neighbour so we can have conversations like that!!!

  21. That was the best thing I have heard in FOREVER!!! I'm so glad your back.

  22. So very awesome. See, if it had been me (and I've done things like that WAY too many times), there would have been a big clump of snobby moms (Snoms?) who would shoot me dirty disapproving looks, sheild their kids from me and then continue their snobbery circle. The dads in this case just had a great story to tell at dinner time :) Heh.

  23. Sometimes I offer my hubby sympussy...mostly on his birthday! ;) Seriously, one of the best entries ever. By the way, you totally better be able to play this as an official word on Words With Friends.

  24. I am beyond ridiculously happy you are back and apparently in full effect! Fyi: I am typing through tears of laughter! <3

  25. Glad to see you're back! Reminds me of the time we baseball Moms were sitting at a game, watching our sons line up to play in the outfield. One Mom yelled out at her son, saying, "hey, move over! There's a BIG-ASS hole out there!"

    After which, she lowered her voice, looking at the stares around her...and sais, "OMG...I really didn't SAY that OUT LOUD, did I?"

    Yup. She did. We still laugh about it today.

  26. These are guys you're talking about! You didn't offend them, you totally just scored cool cred.

  27. I haven't had a filter for a long time. My son is 2, turning three in April of 2013. My filter was gone waaaaayyyyy before he was a twinkle in his Dad's reproductive system. That last sentence is a prime example...I say things like that all the time. I am also a very blunt and honest person and boy do I end up saying some doozies... On the bright side if you can learn to play off the filter-less saying/thinking like I do you can usually just turn it into a good joke and move along without getting too embarrassed until you are on your own.

    If all else fails please tell us about it and ask us our most embarrassing filter-less events! I'd be happy to share a few if it would make people laugh and get through their days ;D

  28. THIS IS HILARIOUS! Yes, I am yelling it! I knew you and I were kindred spirits when you said you were 39 and talking like a teenager. We are the same age, and on a daily basis I have to remind myself that I am not 14! I often lay in bed at night thinking, "shoot! I shouldn't have said that. I need to write an email of apology to _____".
    Love your blog!

  29. Oh for the love of Maude. This is so perfectly perfect. I'm having some Mom Guilt today, and this helped a lot. Thank you.

  30. Oh... how I have missed you! And I am using "Sympussy" in a sentence everyday for the next week so as to permanently implant it in my vocabulary. :)

  31. Haha hilarious. We call it sexy time too, iv never heard anyone else say that sweet!

  32. Love your writting...thankyou for sharing this very funny story...




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