Inappropriate Baby Shower Gifts

Last weekend I made a voyage down to NYC for my friend Samantha’s baby shower. It was so fun!  It was like being at a college reunion, but with free booze and food! Actually, the only other major differences were that Samantha was stone sober and we played different games at the shower than we did in college. (I’m surprisingly good at flip cup AND baby gift bingo, FYI.)

Samantha had just close friends and family attend her shower, but she still got a really good haul! She scored a super nice stroller, a pack n play, a nursing pillow, swaddling blankets, a baby bouncy chair thing, a stack of board books, and tons of super cute clothes for her baby boy. (I got him one of those onesies that has a necktie printed on it. I think they’re hilarious…like the baby is about to go off to an important business meeting! It. Kills. Me.)

Anyway, last night on the phone I was telling her that I think she pretty much got everything she needs. Really, throw in a breast pump and she’s good to go. But then we hung up I started thinking about what those first few weeks and months with a newborn are like and I realized there’s some other stuff she still needs. But it’s not the kind of stuff you can give at a shower because it would be really inappropriate and slightly obnoxious. I mean, do you really want to be that guest who had too much sangria and is belligerently yelling from the back of the room, “YOU’LL THANK ME LATER FOR THOSE FROZEN MAXI PADS!”

My list of post-partum items that she still needs includes:

Frozen maxi pads. I wasn’t kidding about this. Pour a little witch hazel on them, throw them in the freezer when your contractions start and when you get home a few days later from the hospital, WOW, do they feel good. Just warn Grandpa that they’re in there before he goes looking for ice cubes for his celebratory whiskey.

Hemorrhoid cream. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about why she needs this one. But you have to agree with me that 1) she will need this and 2) if I had wrapped it up in cutesy wrapping paper and given it to her at her shower I would have gotten pelted in the head with a peepee teepee by another guest for being an a-hole. And I would have deserved it…because that’s not something any pregnant woman needs to think about. Shh shh. No no. Let’s pretend I never mentioned it.

Nursing Tank Top. I know, you’re thinking of the traditional tank top that unclasps at the top to reveal a boob. Those are super convenient and practical once you get the hang of nursing. But my boobs were so insanely sore that first week that I didn’t want any fabric touching them at all. In fact, I just wanted to walk around topless for like 10 days straight. Super hot, I know. That’s why I think Samantha should just skip the nursing bras and tanks and wear a shirt like Rachel McAdams in the movie Mean Girls. You know what I’m talking about? Just cut out the whole area around the nip so that your torso is warm but your boobs can breathe free! Again, not as hot as it sounds.

  

D Batteries. For the swing and the bouncy chair, because that was the only place my baby slept for about 6 months and if the batteries wore out, I would've been willing to do anything (YES. Anything) to get those batteries changed as fast as possible so the kid WOULD JUST SLEEP.

Pajamas that look like clothes/Clothes that feel like pajamas. Meet your new wardrobe for the next 8 weeks 6 months.

Three new laundry hampers. Trust me, you'll need them. After two months you'll be like - what are those things in that thing over there? Aaahhh yes. They are called drawers and they open and shut inside of a dresser. How quaint. We just use the hampers now and no one judges us. Or they get cut.

All in all, don’t you think the above gear is just as important as the diaper bag I got her?! Watch out, Sam. There is a very scary package on its way to you from Boston. Now where are my fabric scissors...

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