Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Inappropriate Baby Shower Gifts



Last weekend I made a voyage down to NYC for my friend Samantha’s baby shower. It was so fun!  It was like being at a college reunion, but with free booze and food! Actually, the only other major differences were that Samantha was stone sober and we played different games at the shower than we did in college. (I’m surprisingly good at flip cup AND baby gift bingo, FYI.)

Samantha had just close friends and family attend her shower, but she still got a really good haul! She scored a super nice stroller, a pack n play, a nursing pillow, swaddling blankets, a baby bouncy chair thing, a stack of board books, and tons of super cute clothes for her baby boy. (I got him one of those onesies that has a necktie printed on it. I think they’re hilarious…like the baby is about to go off to an important business meeting! It. Kills. Me.)

Anyway, last night on the phone I was telling her that I think she pretty much got everything she needs. Really, throw in a breast pump and she’s good to go. But then we hung up I started thinking about what those first few weeks and months with a newborn are like and I realized there’s some other stuff she still needs. But it’s not the kind of stuff you can give at a shower because it would be really inappropriate and slightly obnoxious. I mean, do you really want to be that guest who had too much sangria and is belligerently yelling from the back of the room, “YOU’LL THANK ME LATER FOR THOSE FROZEN MAXI PADS!”

My list of post-partum items that she still needs includes:

Frozen maxi pads. I wasn’t kidding about this. Pour a little witch hazel on them, throw them in the freezer when your contractions start and when you get home a few days later from the hospital, WOW, do they feel good. Just warn Grandpa that they’re in there before he goes looking for ice cubes for his celebratory whiskey.

Hemorrhoid cream. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail about why she needs this one. But you have to agree with me that 1) she will need this and 2) if I had wrapped it up in cutesy wrapping paper and given it to her at her shower I would have gotten pelted in the head with a peepee teepee by another guest for being an a-hole. And I would have deserved it…because that’s not something any pregnant woman needs to think about. Shh shh. No no. Let’s pretend I never mentioned it.

Nursing Tank Top. I know, you’re thinking of the traditional tank top that unclasps at the top to reveal a boob. Those are super convenient and practical once you get the hang of nursing. But my boobs were so insanely sore that first week that I didn’t want any fabric touching them at all. In fact, I just wanted to walk around topless for like 10 days straight. Super hot, I know. That’s why I think Samantha should just skip the nursing bras and tanks and wear a shirt like Rachel McAdams in the movie Mean Girls. You know what I’m talking about? Just cut out the whole area around the nip so that your torso is warm but your boobs can breathe free! Again, not as hot as it sounds.
  
D Batteries. For the swing and the bouncy chair, because that was the only place my baby slept for about 6 months and if the batteries wore out, I would've been willing to do anything (YES. Anything) to get those batteries changed as fast as possible so the kid WOULD JUST SLEEP.

Pajamas that look like clothes/Clothes that feel like pajamas. Meet your new wardrobe for the next 8 weeks 6 months.

Three new laundry hampers. Trust me, you'll need them. After two months you'll be like - what are those things in that thing over there? Aaahhh yes. They are called drawers and they open and shut inside of a dresser. How quaint. We just use the hampers now and no one judges us. Or they get cut.

All in all, don’t you think the above gear is just as important as the diaper bag I got her?! Watch out, Sam. There is a very scary package on its way to you from Boston. Now where are my fabric scissors...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

47 comments:

  1. Right before she had her daughter, my sister went into EXCRUCIATING deal with the teenage boy at the checkout counter about exactly why she needed to buy Depends. Couldn't she just lie and say they were for her grandmother? Nope. Brutal honesty. Thank you, Guru Louise, for saving some poor teenage boy who just wants to save up enough money so he can buy a car and meet some hot chicks, damnit!

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    Replies
    1. That. Was. Awesome. Your sister might just be my new best friend!

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  2. Yes yes yes to the hemorroid cream! Mine were so bad for the first ten days i had to send my husband out for one of those inflatable donuts just so i could sit! I was even on it in the car on the way home. For some reason, they don't supply them in maternity.

    Yeah, you'd better chuck in an inflatable donut.

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  3. Ummmmmmm the peri bottle they give you in the hospital take it home!!!!!!!!! So much better the first few days then trying to gently use TP on already very sore nether regions

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    Replies
    1. Grab two if you can. They are sooooooooo wonderful.

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    2. i agree.. I took 2 and kept one in each bathroom!

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  4. With my first baby the hospital had pads that cracked and shook like the ice packs you give kids....GENIUS. When I had the second one they didn't even seem to know what I was talking about. It was sad :(

    You can also take those tucks pads and put those in the fridge before you use them...heaven ;)

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    Replies
    1. Those were so invented by a woman! Freakin genius.

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  5. May I suggest you amend your post to say that you would have been pelted for presenting Prep-H as a gift because this was her FIRST baby. Had it been anything but the first, she would have hugged and kissed you and possibly also asked if they were out of the larger sized tube at CVS.

    Also, yesses to the frozen maxi pads. And those mesh briefs to hold 'em in place.

    Good gawd, what we go through.

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  6. I needed the hampers and the tank top. But I REALLY needed one handed food. My baby was not. a. fan. of being put down. Or in fact a fan of anything but being held and sung to and walked for hours and hours and months. My feet were more swollen from walking him than they were from pregnancy and my section. Some days all I could eat were chips because opening a bag was about all I could handle til my husband got home and I would inhale an entire days worth of food in ten minutes. Soooo granola bars/brownies/sandwiches made by someone else.

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  7. I wouldn't have made it had it not been for the numbing antiseptic spray and witch hazel pads. Sent hubby out to stock up...which of course, he loved!

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  8. My token baby gift, although not super funny, is triple cream diaper cream, amazing at instantly healing screaming red bottoms, lanolin nipple cream and gel soothies ( to be put in the freezer next to the frozen maxi pads). With out these three products there would be oh so much more pain for BOTH parties!

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  9. A freaking Sleep Sheep comes to mind. Those things are magical.

    Also several Season's of her favorite TV show and a pile of food to eat one handed because until she gets the hang of nursing she is going to be topless, sitting around, and starving.

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  10. I always wrap my gifts in a wicker basket and use cloth diapers for the "wrapping paper". And I always include a mini freakin screwdriver, batteries, and a seen-on-TV package opener. But I do always warn new moms to stock up on ultra-thick pads because you will have the period to end all periods and you get so used to NOT buying them, you may not have enough. Oh yeah, and if you ask nicely at the hospital, they'll send you home with some of those AWESOME disposable undies! Why do they not sell those in the feminine hygiene aisle, anyway?

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  11. I HAVE given ALL of those to someone at a baby shower before!! Not all at once or to the same person- one girl got a basket with maxi pads, cream, stretch cream, burn spray (for if she had to be snipped/stitched} yoga pants and nursing top and a few other things she would need post partum. That was for the woman who gave birth to my son. I also gave her things she would need in the hospital- chapstick, gum, candy, toys/games etc. (it wasn't a baby shower persay- it was a Mother's blessing shower- same concept as the baby shower but for pampering the birthmom- she got lots of post partum stuff, and gift cards to the Spa and gym etc)

    Another friend got a basket with a screwdriver set, and D and AA batteries (from SAM'S so there was a LOT of batteries) I was one of those 10pm run to WalGreens during a snow storm for D batteries for the swing!

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  12. You forgot nipple cream for the sore, cracked and bleeding nipples that seem to come with the natural JOY OF BREASTFEEDING. yea, i tell new moms, to stick it out for six weeks. Those nipples eventually dont feel a thing any more... ;)

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  13. I second nipple cream and gel pads, and add in gripe water for the babies. I give it at every baby shower, it is the only magic that will calm my babies during their witching hours. It's line baby green tea without the caffeine.

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  14. I think it's an AWESOME idea all the way around. If she is anything like me, NO ONE told her all the horrible, mind-boggling, mind-numbing things that happen during and after squeezing an adorable, wrinkly human being into this world.

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  15. Oh, man, this brings it all back - my twins are now 10! And if she's having twins? She needs of those hands-free beverage delivery systems - hat or backpack with pump and tubing and mouthpiece -- designed for beer but use it for milkshakes or lemonade or drink of her choice. Because when you're double nursing you don't have a free hand and you get VERY thirsty! Not having one of those systems, I used to make my husband hold a glass with a bendy straw in front of my face for 10 minutes. Oh, so add bendy straws to the list (and cooperative husbands).

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  16. I did the magic pads too, but more for just after the baby was born. I found a recipe online, and in addition to the witch hazel, add: edible aloe and lavender oil(so you smell pretty)wrap pads in foil then freeze. I even kept some in the freezer when I was at the hospital! and another tip: make sure you get the looong ones.. not regular size they don't have to be 2 inches think, then ultra thins are plenty fine, but trust me about the length. You'll thank me later.

    oh and maybe a Nipple Shield... or two! my second son was like a freakin' vacuum and made the girls so flippin' sore.. they were my saving grace because they allowed the girls to heal

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  17. One of our midwives called those frozen pads "twatsicles". Kind of funny to say, Honey, can you get me another twatsicle from the freezer?!

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    Replies
    1. I've heard them called padsicles. But twatsicles is SO much better! Definitely using this term from now on.

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  18. Yes to one handed food!!!! Also a moby wrap me sling is much needed! And I don't know if dry cleaners do gift cards but that would have been awesome. My daughter is almost four months now and I still haven't caught up on my laundry. And my DH STILL WANTS HIS UNIFORMS STARCHED. I'M. NOT. JOKING. So, that would have been nice.

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  19. ahem....disposable briefs? and I swear I have wondered if they could make a whole line of clothes...

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  20. The thing that I loved so much and which totally saved my sanity when I eventually purchased it was a hands-free pumping bra. I bought it on Amazon, and it is essentially a (super cute!) stretchy bustier with two slits in the fabric over your nippular area so you can slide the "horns" of your pump in there and actually be able to use your hands for other things while you're pumping! I know!!

    I felt super-weird including it in the hand-me-down pile I gave to my cousin a year later, but people need to know about this lifesaver!

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  21. No joke, I give rechargeable batteries and this http://www.enjoyzibra.com/openit/ as a gift for baby showers. And if you are having a c-section, I buy you a two pack of enemas so you don't have to go to the store yourself and get them. I also buy Lily Padz, ibuprofen, baby Tylenol, Hyland's teething tablets, Mylicon, and gift cards for carry out. I am practical like that.

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  22. Depends. Seriously. And chucks pads for under your sheets, just in case. I never thought of Depends until my 4th, with whom I used a new (to me) Midwife. She said, "honey, why are you buying pads? They aren't exactly enough." And all the Angels in Heaven sang wonderful hymns of comfort and joy. Because, really, Depends worked far better.

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  23. Mt go to shower gift now is a little flashlight that clips to momma's pjs so a diaper can be changed without the light being turned on. This is not a clever reply, i know, but OMG what I would've given to NOT have to experiment with the dimmers & other "clever" ideas I tried to make this happen!!

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  24. Totally agree on the peru bottle. I think i kept mine for *years*

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  25. carpet cleaner intended for PETS this is extra true for boys...

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  26. I literally did a happy dance when I found a swing with a plug at Target. My first baby had a swing that ate batteries like an unsupervised child left alone with their Halloween haul, and when I saw that I knew I'd save money in the long run when I factored in the cost of batteries.
    My MIL gave me three seasons of my favorite show on DVD. I was totally confused until I realized that one episode of Criminal Minds= one feeding. And that's not an easy show to fall asleep to.

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  27. Someone needs to come up with a holster or Batman-type-utility-belt to hold tissues, a bottle of water, your phone, the TV remote, and a one-handed snack (or 2). Because you never know in which room you're gonna get stuck in a chair breastfeeding for two hours straight. In fact, just a water bottle with a shoulder-strap would be good, cos you get THIRSTY while nursing.

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    Replies
    1. Dani,

      I used my husband's tools holster to do actually that. Home depot has a variety if someone needs it. Also useful are the chair side holster to hold things.

      Delete
  28. And birth control. Because you NEED that shit and will be too whacked out to remember the first timer The Cap'n comes knocking.

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    Replies
    1. hahaha genius!! I was on top of that as soon as humanly possible.

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  29. The best gift I got was a Mommy survival kit (trial size hemorrhoid cream, baby oil, travel wipes, the hospital grade booger sucker, advil for mommy, etc.), wrapped around it was a baby blanket and it was put inside a laundry basket with a big bow on it. Best gift EVER! Most useful too.

    Oh and I actually bought the only swing on the market when my first one was born that had the option of batteries or plugging into the wall. Awesome! It was made by Fischer Price. I hear they still have one on the market with a plug.

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  30. Nipple cream, take-out coupons, some of those pads that cover the sheet at the hospital, a good mattress protector for when you take the pads off before you should, many boxes of nursing pads, Depends, Ibuprophen, a peri-bottle for every bathroom, 25 soothers (where do they all go at 3 a.m.??), comfy sweats and something good to watch on TV. Also, snack foods in abundance!

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  31. An e-Reader. So that when you're up nursing the baby at 3:30am AGAIN, you can hold a book with one hand and you don't have to resort to watching infomercials for the Shark Steam Mop in order to keep yourself awake.

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    Replies
    1. If only they had these when my kids were babies... if only..

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  32. I totally did the cut out nipple hole in the tank top bit. I only bought so many expensive nursing tanks. Eventually I made my own. They worked just as nice under a shirt with a good nursing bra.

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  33. the tank top is awesome....and scary. so, i love it. another gem she's gonna need: pounds and pounds of coffee and an iv so that it can get in faster.

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  34. If only there had been a plug-in swing when my son was a baby....good grief....that would have been wonderful. And, if only I had known about gripe water.

    I had a c-section and one gift that I would totally give someone who is having one? A super soft, comfy pillow to hold over the midsection to take to the hospital. The hospital pillows are so hard and the stapled up tummy needs a soft support when coughing, sneezing, etc. :)

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    Replies
    1. agrees with you and she should care your baby and get care , Difluprednatethem help because baby is still in sibilance and they cry always for milk and another desire which he/she wants you.

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete
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