Monday, October 22, 2012

When Mini Said The F Word

Last week, my husband Cap'n Coupon was trying to get the children off to bed. I was completely passed out from being sick with a rotten cold. At a certain point, he comes in and says: "Lydia, your baby just dropped the f-bomb". But honestly, it barely registered with me until later because I was in a haze of sickness and cold medicine.

So the next day, he tells me the whole story and here it is:

The Cap'n is succeeding in slowly getting 9 year old Thumbelina to go to bed and is now asking 7 year old Hawk to follow suit. It takes Thumbelina approximately one hour and 67 steps to go to bed and all of them are excessively tedious. Mini is tagging along with the Cap'n, like a tiny enforcer. He tells one kid to brush her/his teeth, and then she does the same (often with hands on hips). 

Example: the Cap'n says "Please floss" and then Mini steps in front of him and says like a small, ill-tempered prison guard: "Yah. You floss now. And hurry up."  

So the Cap'n and Mini are in the hallway outside Hawk's room, trying to get him to turn down his CD player (which is playing the audiobook of Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince loud enough for our neighbors to hear).

The Cap'n tells him once to turn down his radio, using a nice voice.
Then he tells him again, still using a nice voice.
The Cap'n waits a minute and deals with other kids.
He then tells him again, this time using a stern voice.
He waits another minute.
This time, he's yelling it. "TURN DOWN YOUR RADIO!"

At which point, Mini taps her father on the arm and says gently: "F*cking".

He looks at her in surprise and says: "What did you just say, sweetie?"

She looks at him like he's an idiot. "I said FAH-KING".

He blinks at her. Unsure of how to respond.

She gives him a head shake as if to imply that he'll just never get it and says patiently: "Turn down your fahcking radio."

------------------------------------------

Needless, to say, I am in still in trouble, and it is obviously all my fault. Truly, the Cap'n never curses in front of the offspring. But I promise you, that's only because he doesn't have to drive them everywhere. It's that time in the car that's the killer. I am not proud of this parenting failure on my part. Not at all. But at least she got the context right, which is something. From now on when I'm with my kids, I will be making a concerted effort to replace the words I may have possibly said TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT. 

Yours in shame,
Lydia




(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

64 comments:

  1. At least you didn't send her to bed when she was having an asthma attack or an allergic reaction to peanuts. I've unknowingly done both! Most recently, last week:
    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2012/10/wtf-vermont-curry.html

    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2011/06/working-our-way-through-letter.html

    Not only that, I practice bad parenting in multiple cultures:

    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2012/01/why-im-bad-mom-japanese-version.html

    Please feel free to use my example to your advantage. Surely Cap'n Coupon will realize just how luck he is.

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  2. I. Love. This.

    And I will be joining you soon, as my husband's idea of a REALLY BAD WORD is to shout, "JIMINY CHRISTMAS!" while I am...well. Yes. Doing otherwise.

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  3. I also take pride in my two-year-old's grasp of context when dropping similar gems.

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  4. The first day my husband went out of town and left me with both our kids- alone for the first time- I taught my 2.5 year old daughter some naughty words. She hasn't repeated them. Yet. She does know how to say "dammit!" just like mommy though. I know I shouldn't, so I have to turn my head to laugh when she says it because she uses it at the most appropriate times. I know, bad mommy!!

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  5. My three year old danced around the kitchen clapping and chanting, "F*ck It!" When I asked her what she thought it meant, she said, "When you make a mistake."

    We then had the 'this is a bad word and no one should say it, but only grown ups get to decide to use it or not,' speech. At 3...

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  6. Um, yes--I feel you on this parenting fail. The first time it happened, I blamed it on the angry guy at the yard sale...but after the third or fourth time it had happened, I had to admit that it was most likely mommy's potty mouth, not random strangers. Whoops.

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  7. ha! i had something similar happen when once of my kids was about 3. i remember being both shocked that he knew the word and impressed by how appropriately he'd used it.

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  8. Luckily I haven't taught my almost 2 year old the F-bomb yet, but one of my favorite phrases that she is repeating, that sounds so sweet, is "what the hell you do?" And Nana recently informed me that she will be playing and and just let out a slew of damnits.... My 3 year old does not repeat mommy's bad words :)

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  9. lol.. It's happened to all of us. don't worry! My kids get it from watching videos on Youtube of people playing video games.... yeah all sorts of win there.. our kids have learned to not repeat the bad words though!

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  10. About four years ago, I told my children they could curse in the house. I was allowed to do this as a kid, so how bad could it be? My husband was DEAD against it, but, I did it anyway. Explained the rules very carefully to my 6 and 10 year old girls and smugly went about my business not watching my sailor mouth (because, Lord knows I tried, but 'sugar' is not the same as 'sh*t'). That very same day, the contractor was over working on the guest bath making a lot of noise while my 6 year old was watching TV. I came into the room and she said to me: "Momma, he sure is banging the crap out of the f*cking wall. Sh*t, it's louder than hell!" EEEEEEEEeeeee!!! End. of. cursing. in. house. However, good use of your words, dear.

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  11. My 18-month old called me a B*tch..and meant it!! You're not failing as a parent, they're just smarter than we think. (He survived to adulthood)

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  12. When my 6 six year old was younger I dropped something and managed said "G-d. . ." I got a minute to be proud of myself for not swearing. Then she tried to help me out, "Damn it?"
    My husband still brings it up.

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  13. Been there! We were at a gas station and hubby was filling thetires, checking the oil, etc., and grumbling about it. My sweet, angelic 4 year old pipes up from the back seat -- Mommy, I think what daddy means to say is "Fucking car!"

    She was right.

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  14. My 3-year-old yells "What the hell?" every time he doesn't get his way. Seriously. Every.time. Great context, little dude, but stop. Or at the very least, stop saying it in your Christian-based preschool every two minutes. Your teacher is about to have a coronary. Unfortunately, he's still a young 3, and a stubborn butt, so the "we don't say those words" speech doesn't quite work yet.

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    Replies
    1. My now 7-year old has been saying that since about 3 years old. Same context, same stubborness.

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  15. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post today. Because my 9-year-old marched my 4-year-old up to me just last night and said, "Mom, he said the f word." After I shooed her away for tattling, I asked him to tell me what he said, and he whispered, "F*ck it."

    Yep, we, too, had the "that's a bad word" talk. *sigh*

    Whoopsies ...

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  16. Sadly, my 4-yr-old has heard me enough in traffic that whenever we hit a stoplight and it turns green, but we're not first to go, I hear a, "C'Mon! Move already!" Fortunately, I was able to muffle it when he said something similar to an aisle clog at Wal-Mart - yikes! (And yes, there have been times it's been peppered with a choice profanity).

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  17. My 4 year old son's favorite word right now is shit. Not only does he scream this at home when he's mad at me, but when he's at school, too. Luckily, it's holding up with the teacher that it's all his Grandma's fault, lol. I try to not curse, but it happens and, because he's special needs, it's hard for him to grasp that it's a bad word and shouldn't be said.

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  18. When my daughter was about two and a half I get a call from our babysitter (who is fairly conservative). She asks me if we'd had a bad morning at home, I answered "No, not really." Then she asks if I know what my daughter has been telling the other daycare parents all morning as they drop their kids off.... "Mommy said that f**kin dog peed on the carpet!". And, yep, I sure did say that! My sister, an early childhood special ed teacher, has another good one. She was sitting at a table with her kids (3 and 4 year olds) doing a craft in the classroom. One kid messed up and said "G-d dammit!" and my sis tells him that's a bad word and he shouldn't use it in the classroom. Well, another kid turns to her and says "Teacher, G-d dammit's not a bad word motherf**ker is a bad word." What can you say to that??

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  19. Uh, yeah. Is it bad that my two year old knows when I curse that he automatically knows that some douche bag cut me off and he joins in and says "NAUNY (naughty) CAR!" He has road rage too, obviously.

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  20. My 15 months old only says one word clearly. "shit" however he uses is appropriately. He is potty training and when I went to get him off the toilet after pooping I said "are you done" He clapped and cheered "I shit!" You're right buddy you did. smh.

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  21. I think we all go through this!

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  22. I am pretty sure my 4yo thinks the full name for a sheep is a "Damn Sheep." I think the only reason neither of mine have picked up the f-word is the volume and force with which I say it (and that it is usually in the barn and that tends to be a loud place...) Just lucky, I guess ;)

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  23. Laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face! This is priceless.

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  24. Impressive on Mini's part for sure. While driving, my daughter will ask in the world's sweetest voice, "Mommy, why did you call that man a *insert noun type profanity here*?". So far, she hasn't dropped the f-bomb yet, but she has called the dog a "friggin' moose" more than once. And my husband then gives me the hairy eyeball.

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  25. My two year old daughter learned the word "Dammit" while watching me cook one day... I opened the freezer door and a can of frozen apple juice fell out and hit my bare toe. I yelled the word and while hopping around on one foot trying to survey the dammage to my poor toe I hear from behind me a tiny voice say "Dammit!" followed by a giggle. For the next two weeks she followed me around hopping from one place to another saying "dammit!"

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  26. I was so proud the day my then 3yo fell on the playground and yelled "sonofabitch." I pretended not to know her.

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    1. "I pretended not to know her." PRICELESS Unfortunately mine would then come directly to me yelling "mommy."

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  27. At least it wasn't in public...
    We were all in our local Cold Stone, enjoying ice cream when our then 3 1/2 year old PreciousPumpkin looked at my hubby and said (very sternly AND out of the blue), "Dad, if you're not nice to me I'll have to call you an asshole." Now, PreciousPumpkin has two volume settings - "off" and "full" - and naturally his pronouncement came at a general lull in the hubbub, which fell to almost dead silence. Hubby & I sat there stunned like deer in the headlights (as one does when this sort of thing happens), and I kind of left him to deal with it, since I could barely keep from laughing.
    And then the kicker came in the form of a follow-up, equally solemn announcement from The Pumpkin.
    "Of course, if you're not mean, I'll call you a nicehole."

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    1. OMG I am still laughing... :) I have four kids so I have heard my fair share of little darling potty mouths...but I love this...Go Pumpkin !!!
      LOL

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  28. *snicker*

    I only laugh because I know my day is coming. Hubby and I both are trying desperately to curb our language, and I freely admit he has been more successful than I... but he doesn't have to get up with the baby four times a night!

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  29. If it makes you feel better, my kids sometimes ask me not to swear in front of them, telling me it's not nice. For awhile I tried putting a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it every time I swore. I just ended up with a big welt on my wrist and as much of a potty mouth as ever.

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  30. Oh, I'm so glad it's not just me! Driving during rush hour and having left the house late, I knew I was in for traffic jams. My dear little 2.5 yo Robug, like her mommy, hates traffic and slow drivers. As we saw a wall of tail lights, I just sighed and shook my head but The Robug throws her hands in the air and yells, "Wha da fuck peoples?!" I seriously almost peed my pants right there. All I could do was laugh because she came out with it all on her own and used it well, lol. Mommy has to do a better job of speaking in front of the toddler :)

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  31. My daughter has realized that the new Fastest Way To Get Her Brother In Trouble is to yell that he said "the f-word". She has now done it enough times that I'm reasonably certain she has NO IDEA what the f-word is. She just knows it's really bad. And she *smirks* when I come in to enforce Language Standards. Whereas her brother *does* know, and knows not to say it, and hangs on me every time I manage to say, "What a ffff....lippin' waste of time!" And I'm like, "For all you know, Smarty-Pants, that's exactly what I was *going* to say. Shut your mouth and do your math homework."

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  32. When my eldest was 2.5 she dropped her milk on the floor and exclaimed "God Damnit!" I just looked at her and gently corrected, "No baby, it's Gosh Darn-it!" She's so accustomed to us correcting her pronunciation that she didn't even argue.

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  33. HAHAHAH!!! Sooooo funny! /sorry :)

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  34. Every parent faces the word bombs (regardless whether we are guilty of saying them or not.) It is all around them everywhere. I'm also guilty of cussing more than I should, and the ironic thing is I didn't use to cuss until I HAD kids. It was suppose to the other way around. :)

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  35. I'm pretty sure my two-year-old angelface said "cockandballs" the other day. Maybe if we just let it go she'll forget...

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  36. I guess I would worry more if they couldn't use them correctly...

    My 3 year old just did this last week. Dropped and F-bomb AND used it correctly... I am TOTALLY blaming Grandpa.

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  37. Don't be too hard on yourself! It happens! I know it..my daughter at two and a half. In the library. During storytime. At the top of her lungs. "I don't want to f---ing BE HERE ANYMORE!"

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  38. My 3-yo heard me yell one day-after either he or the dog peed on the floor, I can't remember which- "ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME?!?!?" Now unfortunately whenever he is faced with something that baffles him, he just says, "are you ficking kidding me??" Oops.

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    1. I just slapped myself in the face because I was (unsuccessfully) trying to muffle my unholy gales of laughter.

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  39. My 7-year old, all by himself created this one: I asked him what happens when he doesn't follow directions. His reply? "Conse-damm-quences!"

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  40. My sweet, beautiful 7-yr old daughter, who has been allowed by her father to play Halo with him on our XBOX, managed to drop the lovely exclamation "DIE YOU BASTARD!" while unloading a ton of bullets into a bad guy! Deep down Dad was proud!

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  41. My *now* 8yo LTS was about 3-4 when he dropped his first F-bomb. I was pregnant with our youngest litte "cupcake" and we were at the Dr.'s office. He wasn't getting his way and just as the entire lobby goes quiet he shouts well F*** it then. . . . . needless to say I did not win a mom of the year award and had to switch Drs.. . So at least she was in the privacy of her own home. . . . .too bad the Cap'n was there!!

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  42. gasp-wheeze-trying not to pee my pants

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  43. 5 year old Voldemort was in the backseat yesterday when his daddy yelled, "SONOFABITCH" at a car passing us. He piped up, "Yeah, Southern Pitch!"

    Close enough to not get us in trouble.

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  44. Ah! My son is convinced that once you enter third grade you are allowed to utter those words... He also informed me one day that if a word is in a song, it's ok to use it. Um, no.

    All my children have to do is sit in on one game of their father's endless quest to master whatever football game he plays on his xbox. Curse words fly freely. Because he plays it upstairs in our bedroom, he thinks that my children aren't in there listening?

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  45. If it helps, my 4 yr old daughter is cursing in two languages now--while driving the other day, I honked my horn at a car who hadn't noticed the light turned green. My daughter asks why I honked the horn and I replied that I was telling the car to go. Of course, she wants to know why he didn't go and I replied, "Maybe he was tired." To wit, she responded, "Maybe he's an arschloch?" (a$$hole). Nice! I was so proud. ;)

    I'm trying the George Carlin school of parenting, "there are no bad words, just bad people" approach. So, when she uses one of those words (she dropped the f-bomb in the car on Saturday on her way to German class), we talk about how little kids shouldn't use those words because it can hurt people's feelings if they don't know how to use them. We'll see how well that goes!

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  46. and now I like you more. you know, when other people fail like I do, I feel a kinship. xo

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  47. Don't sweat it... I learned the F-bomb from my mom in the car in traffic and I turned out ok :)

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  48. One of my cousins has 3 boys. The middle child, Collin, was the first to curse. One day, when he was about 5 years old, he and his brothers were playing in their room. His parents and I were in the living room when we hear his small voice scream "sh*t" at the top of his lungs. I yell back "Collin Michael!" And I almost died laughing when he replied "I mean poopy!"... His mother shook her head and his father shrugged, commenting that he at least used it properly. Kids are going to cuss, at least he was smart enough to understand what he was saying. I couldn't be too mad at him for it.

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  49. When my partner and I get into political discussions or other heated discussions/debates, my almost 4yo loves chiming in with a "f*in' dude!"

    I'm the English-speaker in the family, so there's no denying that it comes from me. :-s

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  50. My four-year-old put her pants on backwards. Then, realizing what she'd done, she stomped her foot and said, "DAMNIT!"

    The "discussion" that ensued following her language also had me attempting to explain the definition of the word "hypocrite."

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  51. HA HA HA!! Serious points to her on getting the context right...that takes skill! ;) This is a GREAT post!

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  52. My husband and I try not to cuss in front of our 3 year old. My mil on the other hand doesn't care. After telling her to stop it last week...the very next day she taught my daughter to say bull sh*it. I instantly said,"Don't say that, it's a bad word Baby." Mil said,"What did I say?" Really? Are you kidding me, Gran Gran?

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  53. "Holy Shit" at 15 months. She dropped her sippy. We now hear "shit" and "holy shit" from time to time and always in context. She's 20 months. *Sigh* We've decided to just ignore it for now. She's little enough we don't want to discourage talking altogether and she wouldn't understand anyway. Besides, labeling it as a bad word would only make it more attractive (that's how cursing worked for me, anyway).

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  54. My daughter was about 3 and someone cut me off in traffic. I, rhetorically, asked "Now why would he pull out in front of me like that?!?" I got the answer. "Because he's a JACKASS! Right Mommy??" Um, Yah, that's right... Shhhhh

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  55. My 2-year-old (at the time) niece was particularly adept at saying "B*(&h." In context. Loudly.

    What was even worse was - if we tried to correct her...she would loudly repeat it. Over...and...over. Nothing would get her to stop until she was ready. And we couldn't just ignore it either, because then her older sister (4-years-old) would pipe up: "Auntie, she's saying that bad word again. You're supposed to tell her not to say that." "That's not working right now, so we're trying something else." "But she's not supposed to say b*(&h, Auntie!" "You're not supposed to say that word either, *sweetheart.*" "But Auntie, when she says b*(&h you're supposed to yell at her." and so on...so then, the younger one would get encouraged by the older one saying it....and on & on & on it would go. **sigh**

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  56. I'm not sure how I didn't find your blog sooner, but learned of it through the pee alone book! Why the fack do you swear so facking much? hahahaha just kidding. I have a friggin' sailor mouth and am on edge to see when my now 3 year old will drop his first f-bomb... maybe he won't and it'll be the 3rd kid like you say, we'll see!

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  57. My beloved 4 yr old firstborn son decided that he needed to know what a certain part of the female anatomy was right in the checkout line at the local grocery store. "Mom, wat's a vagina?" Of course it was at full volume and I was busy unloading the cart. I quietly told him it was part of a girls body and we would talk about it at home. He replied "but I heard Grampa say he had a vagina and the Doctor gave him pills". The cashier was laughing so hard she started crying!

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