Friday, November 2, 2012

Embracing the Chaos

A couple weeks ago, I posted about how my parenting may be affected by the fact that I sometimes get distracted while I’m looking at my smartphone. Honestly, at first I was a wee bit nervous that you all were going to judge me for admitting this. You usually just laugh at Lydia. Remember her Bejeweled Blitz parenting fail? That was pretty awesome. But then I remembered that Lydia and I have the most wonderful, understanding, funny, empathetic and gorgeous readers in the world. Your comments instantly made me feel better and like I’m not a total failure as a mother. Especially the comments you left on Facebook. Oh my MAUDE, people, they were funny.

A couple hours after the post went up, my iPhone was buzzing with texts from Lydia: “Have you read the Facebook comments today?? I'm dying laughing until asstray.”

I have no idea what an asstray is…Lydia’s phone is whack,yo. Plus she can't text.

Anyway, when Lydia linked to the post on our Facebook page she said, “Have you ever been texting or doing something on your phone when all of a sudden you're like: "CRAP. Why is it so quiet? What are the kids doing? Wait. WHERE ARE THEY?! Oh, I see. They're in the bathroom adhering sanitary napkins to the side of the tub." No? Just me? Well, me *and* Louise...” 

The first comment immediately rolled in: “Or waxing their legs? Or stopping the toilet up with TP and tampons... or giving each other a bath in the kitchen sink, with Parmesan cheese and ketchup…yea.”

As the morning rolled on the comments just kept getting better…

  • Or drinking an empty beer can, looking through your purse or putting on daddy's deodorant (all by a 2 yr old by the way) behind a curtain? maybe...
  • Or sitting on the dining room table squeezing the honey bear all over himself and his little sister?
  • Or filling up the bath tub with every liquid in the bathroom cabinet and closet just to see what would happen and then refilling them all with water thinking I wouldn't notice…
  • Or taking a sharpie and writing names on the tops of shoes because "we might get confused..." (He's 6.)
  • Or opening the flour container and making it snow in the kitchen.....ya.....awesome.....
  • My daughter filled my shoes with panty liners to make them comfy. Genius!
  • My worst horror story is from 15 years ago when I was Nannying before I had any type of cell phone: I was watching 2 boys 6 and 3 and the younger managed to sneak upstairs with a can of Pam and coat his dad's home office with it, including the computer, keyboard, and all of his business paperwork....thankfully his dad had a sense of humor.
  • Or the two yr old minion helping to "feed" the 4 month old minion-in-training hot dogs and mac n cheese while I'm updating my Facebook status about the nursing pads strewn about the house because "they're snowfakes and they're pretty like a mooooovie."
  • Or digs out all of the Vaseline from a large container and smears it all over the baby's toys and the carpet...or sharpies the ENTIRE kitchen in less than 60 secs.
  • Or shoves a tiny Lego up her nose resulting in an E.R. visit. Then immediately upon returning home from the hospital, draws a mural on the living room wall with chapstick. She is 2 and I was literally IN THE SAME ROOM with her during both of these episodes and somehow failed to notice them happening.
  • Or you find him in the tub with the water running, pantsless (t shirt still on), having emptied an entire bottle of shampoo *and* an entire bottle of conditioner into the tub in an attempt to give himself a bubble bath.
  • My daughter "cleans" the glass shower door with my pantiliners. I thought she was the only one.... Once when I was putting the then baby down for a nap, my then 3 1/2 year old slathered all of her baby dolls with Eucerin cream. She said they had itchy skin like her.
  • Although my oldest was the king of smearing poop, woke up early on a day we were heading out of town and smeared his diaper across all of the brand new (thankfully microfiber) couches-we were very late.
  • Or dumps a 135 load size bottle of fabric softener all over his bedroom floor to "clean his floor".  p.s. his room is carpeted.... 6 months later it's still April fresh in there
Seriously, you guys. You are our heroes. You’re not pretending each day is perfect and you’re embracing the chaos. Smartphone in hand.

Guru and Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012


  1. Ugh, my now 6 year old was a poopoo finger painting artist. It was her rebellion when she was 2 and I was pregnant. Nothing like scrubbing poop off the walls while you have morning sickness. I had one bowl for water and one for puke 0.o

  2. Kids were happily watching TV (ages at the time were 3 and 6) while I did dishes. I finished without interruption (which should have been my first omen) and walked into the TV room. The kids were still there, but looked REALLY pale. Then one of them moved and dust flew from his hair. That was when I noticed the 'dust' in footprint form heading TO the couch FROM the porch. I open the door to a miasma of baby fresh powder (still in cloud form) that covered EVERYTHING on the porch in a fine, white dust- like my bike chain and the lawn mower. And they were still sitting there on the couch, innocent as angels- and about as white.

    Try vacuuming baby powder up with a shop vac- you'll be doing it FOREVER.

  3. Or looking for one of your precious (ha) angel twins only to find her sitting in the MIDDLE of the bathroom counter brushing her teeth with your brand new mascara (that you had to buy because her twin did THE EXACT SAME THING just 2 days ago...and you HAVE to snap a picture to post to Facebook before you even think of cleaning it all up...yea, hope that's not just me

  4. I know a trick to avoid the ER visit when something goes up a nose, but it's not for the squeamish. You hold closed the open nostril, and cover their mouth with yours cpr style and blow. Out shoots the offending lego/candy/bean/vegetable. If it doesn't pop out easily, you do a couple of squirts of afrin and try again a couple minutes later. If those don't work- off to the ER you go. Gross, yes. Better than a trip to the ER? Even yesser.

  5. I'm late to the game...Spending naptime (age two) putting on "make-up" with a red sharpie. She looked like she'd been hit in the face with an ax.

  6. Hey I think the child cleaning with the sanitary napkins could be on to something there. Maxi-cleaners. You can stick them on the wall until you need them. Think about it, you could rich, RICH!!!!

    My four year old daughter has helped herself to my makeup too. She didn't brush her teeth with it, she just gave herself a sort of beard/goatee with it. Now that I think about it, she was a kitty for Halloween and we drew her whiskers on with eyeliner and she is awfully quiet up there... crap.

  7. My 3 yr old went upstairs and coated the ENTIRE SECOND FLOOR in baby powder. He opened all the drawers in the bedroom and filled them too. He even covered the cat who was sleeping on the bed - not sure why the cat stayed still for this. Kid said he wanted to make everything "smell nice".

  8. Took the oldest to skating and left the younger three home with Dad. Came home to find my two youngest girls with glorious mullets, having had a "haircut party".

    The haircut party was orchestrated by the mastermind 5-year old who, at age 4, decided to do "face paint" on her younger sister with sharpies. Every time she made a mistake on her design, she scribbled it out. When she ran out of room on her face, she moved on to her arms and legs. In less than two minutes she transformed her sister into a giant scribble. Said sister does not like having her face washed. She was a scribble for awhile...

  9. Three boys equals approximately 3 bajillion possibilities for mischief.

    Like last weeks 1/2-inch rock up the nose of the 3-year old. FUN.

    Or middle trying to give himself a tail by lubing his butt with my lotion and running around with a tampon hanging from his ass. YES TRUE STORY.

    Or #1 (about 4 years ago) exploding a Costco-sized bottle of lavendar-scented baby powder all over his bedroom, which happened to have a full-sized bed, upholstered rocker, fabric puppets on the walls, and about eleventy hundred stuffed animals all over the carpeted floor. While Nana was babysitting. When we moved about a year later, we STILL found powder in/around/behind/under things!

  10. My then 2 year old saw a woman with tattoos all over her, it was his mission (and still is 6 months later) to make himself pretty anytime he finds a sharpie. ANYTIME...and I'm an artist, those sharpies are everywhere!!!

  11. My then-2-year old twins had gone to my bedroom after dinner. I was finishing up with the baby when all of a sudden I hear girl twin screaming, "He cut me!" I'm frantically looking for blood, when she starts pulling chunks of hair out. And that is why we had bangs cut.

  12. My son disappeared when he was 4 at my mother in law's house! And I found him closed inside the pantry covered head to toe in maple syrup!! Not to mention so was the floor the shelves and many other things of hers!!

  13. Don't forget the "hair cuts!" My son decided to cut his twin sisters hair while i was literally less than ten feet away. **sighs** Its been almost a year and her hair is still not right.

  14. I asked my son while I was cleaning up, if he wanted to go potty. He took that to mean he should take off his poopy diaper and shove it in the training toilet, then mine for gold and smear it all over the open bathroom door and wall. Lucky for him, he is cute.




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts