get distracted while I’m looking at my smartphone. Honestly, at first I was a wee bit nervous that you all were going to judge me for admitting this. You usually just laugh at Lydia. Remember her Bejeweled Blitz parenting fail? That was pretty awesome. But then I remembered that Lydia and I have the most wonderful, understanding, funny, empathetic and gorgeous readers in the world. Your comments instantly made me feel better and like I’m not a total failure as a mother. Especially the comments you left on Facebook. Oh my MAUDE, people, they were funny.
Facebook comments today?? I'm dying laughing until asstray.”
I have no idea what an asstray is…Lydia’s phone is whack,yo. Plus she can't text.
Anyway, when Lydia linked to the post on our Facebook page she said, “Have you ever been texting or doing something on your phone when all of a sudden you're like: "CRAP. Why is it so quiet? What are the kids doing? Wait. WHERE ARE THEY?! Oh, I see. They're in the bathroom adhering sanitary napkins to the side of the tub." No? Just me? Well, me *and* Louise...”
The first comment immediately rolled in: “Or waxing their legs? Or stopping the toilet up with TP and tampons... or giving each other a bath in the kitchen sink, with Parmesan cheese and ketchup…yea.”
As the morning rolled on the comments just kept getting better…
- Or drinking an empty beer can, looking through your purse or putting on daddy's deodorant (all by a 2 yr old by the way) behind a curtain? maybe...
- Or sitting on the dining room table squeezing the honey bear all over himself and his little sister?
- Or filling up the bath tub with every liquid in the bathroom cabinet and closet just to see what would happen and then refilling them all with water thinking I wouldn't notice…
- Or taking a sharpie and writing names on the tops of shoes because "we might get confused..." (He's 6.)
- Or opening the flour container and making it snow in the kitchen.....ya.....awesome.....
- My daughter filled my shoes with panty liners to make them comfy. Genius!
- My worst horror story is from 15 years ago when I was Nannying before I had any type of cell phone: I was watching 2 boys 6 and 3 and the younger managed to sneak upstairs with a can of Pam and coat his dad's home office with it, including the computer, keyboard, and all of his business paperwork....thankfully his dad had a sense of humor.
- Or the two yr old minion helping to "feed" the 4 month old minion-in-training hot dogs and mac n cheese while I'm updating my Facebook status about the nursing pads strewn about the house because "they're snowfakes and they're pretty like a mooooovie."
- Or digs out all of the Vaseline from a large container and smears it all over the baby's toys and the carpet...or sharpies the ENTIRE kitchen in less than 60 secs.
- Or shoves a tiny Lego up her nose resulting in an E.R. visit. Then immediately upon returning home from the hospital, draws a mural on the living room wall with chapstick. She is 2 and I was literally IN THE SAME ROOM with her during both of these episodes and somehow failed to notice them happening.
- Or you find him in the tub with the water running, pantsless (t shirt still on), having emptied an entire bottle of shampoo *and* an entire bottle of conditioner into the tub in an attempt to give himself a bubble bath.
- My daughter "cleans" the glass shower door with my pantiliners. I thought she was the only one.... Once when I was putting the then baby down for a nap, my then 3 1/2 year old slathered all of her baby dolls with Eucerin cream. She said they had itchy skin like her.
- Although my oldest was the king of smearing poop, woke up early on a day we were heading out of town and smeared his diaper across all of the brand new (thankfully microfiber) couches-we were very late.
- Or dumps a 135 load size bottle of fabric softener all over his bedroom floor to "clean his floor". p.s. his room is carpeted.... 6 months later it's still April fresh in there
Guru and Lydia