Friday, November 9, 2012

Special Mommy Time Gone Horribly Wrong

So this morning, Cap'n Coupon let me sleep in. On the mornings when I get to sleep in, it's all about special attention for mommy. Let's make mommy feel special and loved. Here's how it went.

At 10am while peacefully sleeping, I was viciously attacked by my offspring, whom their father had directed to "go wake up your mother". It was like being bum rushed by angry, drunken ewoks. I'm still recovering from it. In fact, I may require outpatient care. Under the guise of "mommy's special morning", they managed to find every one my vulnerable spots and then attack them without mercy. I mean, someone kicked me in the mouth while simultaneously pile-driving me in the boob. And the whole time they are screaming at each other "WAKE UP MOMMY!! NO! I'M GOING TO WAKE HER UP! STOP HUGGING HER, I WANT TO HUG HER!"

He had sent the kids to wake me up because breakfast was ready. Buttered toast, fresh coffee, sausage links, and eggs over easy. I sat at the table while he and the children served the delightful breakfast. Though still sore from my beating, I was overwhelmed by gratitude; a considerate spouse, a good night's sleep, 3 healthy kids and meal in front of me that I did not have to cook. I slowly sipped my coffee, letting the moment of satisfaction wash over me.

Then Thumbelina made a face. A face like she was smelling a turd. I followed her gaze and looked at my son. Hawk was eating his fried egg with his fingers (Gag - but I mean - boys.) and had somehow managed to attach a large gob of barely cooked egg-white to the bottom of his left ear lobe. 

He looked exactly like he had an enormous spooge of ejaculate hanging from his ear, like Ben Stiller in There's Something About Mary. For a split second, the Cap'n and I made horrified eye contact. Then all five of us reacted and started yelling at the exact same time:

Hawk: "WHAT?! What?! Why are you all looking at me?!"
The Cap'n: "Get a napkin! For the love of God get a napkin!"
Thumbelina: ((pointing)) "GROOOOOOSSSSSS! EEEEEYEEEWWWWW!!!"
Mini: "Haaawwww haaaaaa haaaa!"
Me:  ((gagging)) "How did you even DO that?"

Hawk just looked around and shrugged. He picked the spooge off of his ear and regarded it for a moment as it dangled off his finger, glistening in the sunlight. For a second, he clearly considered eating it. Then he shrugged again and flicked it. It sailed, making a parabolic arc across the table. Never for a moment did I doubt it's destination. It landed with a soft plop, directly on top of my eggs. There was a moment of awed silence. Then we all reacted at the same time:

Hawk: "Are you going to eat that?"
The Cap'n: "Maybe don't eat the one on the left."
Thumbelina: "THAT WAS AWESOME."
Mini: "Haaa haaaa haaaaa!!!!"
Me: ((gagging)) "It could have been worse, I guess. It could have hit me in the face."

They nodded, recognizing just how true that was. Hawk patted me on the arm and offered to try again. But there's only so much special mommy time I can take.

The End.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012


  1. oh my good god. You deserve a farking medal.

  2. OMG. Super, super funny. My offspring just looked at me as if I had sprouted another head, I was laughing so hard!!! Thanks for starting my day off right...even though yours didn't. ;-)

  3. Oh dear. This post had me laughing out loud. At least they tried?

  4. Drunken ewoks! HA HA! Ah, isn't it great to be loved? I'm thinking of not having any fried eggs for awhile now...

  5. Haha, isn't that how it's supposed to go? :)

  6. OH man. mad props on how well you handled this "special attention." I'm pretty sure I would have lost it at the boob-punch.

  7. LMAO - I just got in trouble for laughing/not working, thanks alot Lydia!!

  8. Oof. I was just considering my own Mommy Time fails, when I take myself shopping for an hour and come home with a $1 lip gloss for me, and 84 adorable items of clothing for my husband and 4YO. I'm doing it wrong.

  9. Wow, I've never been inspired to gag by an article before, but this did it! Poor lady. I was so excited last night to go to be at 8:45. Baby was in bed, asleep and I had all my ducks in a row. Crawl into bed, snuggle down, let the dog under the covers where he insists on being and BAM baby's awake. Wailing unconsolably. For and hour. I think the worst part was when the little wretch stopped, looked at me, and giggled and then going straight to sleep.

  10. laugh out loud funny. gawd. the 'something about mary' photo was just over-the-top. good thing i was not drinking anything.

  11. Note to self: never again sip your coffee while reading RFM. OMG crying laughing (while my husband & daughter look at me as though I am utterly insane!). Lydia, I adore you! :)

  12. I must remember to NOT drink my coffee while reading Rants ... right out my nose ... again!

  13. Crying with laughter reading this. Oh my Jesus, everything about it is just awesome.




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