| Never, ever SWYPE if you're me. |
And now there's this new thing I can do called "swype". Basically it means you glide your finger around the touchscreen and the phone figures out what word you meant to type, as if by magic. About 90% of the time, it works perfectly and I love it and I think I have forgotten how to text the old fashioned way.
But...the other 10% of the time, I end up sending texts that are either unintelligible gibberish, vaguely pornographic or just plain old embarrassing. Here are some examples:
When "nerf guns" become "beef hound".
Lydia: My kids are out of control crack heads running around my house right now.
Kristin: Mine too. Maybe something in the air?
Lydia: I just got shot multiple times in the haunches with beef hound.
Kristin: ?
Lydia: It's a good thing beef hound don't hurt.
Kristin: OK...
Lydia: CRAP. Not beef hound. NERF GUNS.
Kristin: I am laughing so hard at you right now.
Kristin: OH DEAR GOD. Don't google image search beef hounds. Just don't. Don't don't don't. I was not expecting that.
[Editor's note: Apparently beef hounds are men who really enjoy other men. Now you know.]
I tried to text the word "f*ckers" and it changed to "giblets".
Lydia: What happened with those people?
Kate: Nothing.
Lydia: They are giblets, man. That's not OK.
Lydia: Not giblets. DUCKERS.
Lydia: Not duckers. FACKERS.
Lydia: I give up.
Kate: Its OK. They're giblets.
 |
| Here I am, winning big lady night. |
Lydia: I am so tired and I forgot that I have like $30 in singles crammed in the pockets of these jeans.
Guru: What the hell? Another late night working at the club?
Lydia: Lady night was Bunco. And I won big lady night!
Guru: You won big lady night?
Lydia: What's big lady night?
Guru: I DON'T KNOW. That's why I asked you.
Lydia: GAAAAHHHH!! My ducking phone is a giblet! I meant LAST NIGHT. At Bunco. I won big at Bunco last night. Stupid phone is STUPID.
Guru: No. Not the phone.
"Okey dokey" becomes "Pokey Doherty"
Cap'n Coupon: I have to go to Michigan on Wednesday. Is that going to be OK?
Lydia: Yes. Pokey Doherty.
Cap'n: Who is Pokey Doherty?
Lydia: What the hell are you talking about?
Cap'n: Read your text, genius.
Lydia: Oh dear. I meant OKEY DOKEY but my phone is a stupid head.
Cap'n: I don't want Pokey Doherty in the house while I'm out of town.
Lydia: Are you kidding?
Cap'n: sigh...
It's not Saturday, it's "asstray".
Guru: When are you going to go apple picking, woman?
Lydia: Oh! Asstray.
Guru: Whhhhaaaaat?
Lydia: You asked when. I said ASSTRAY.
Lydia: Oh. Not asstray. Saturday.
Lydia: I hate you phone. I hate you.
Guru: I love your phone. Never get another phone ever.
And when I tried to text: "You got it, hotstuff" it inexplicably became "You go, Gustav". Try explaining that one to your husband after the whole Pokey Doherty fiasco.
Cap'n Coupon: Hey, I'll be home early. Do you want me to take you guys out for dinner? I will even take you to Spartans.
Lydia: You go, Gustav!
Cap'n: Who is Gustav?
Lydia: Hotstuff.
Cap'n: Lydia, what are you doing?
Lydia: I meant to say YOU GIT IT, HOTSTUFF.
Lydia: Crap! YOU GOT IT, HOTSTUFF.
Cap'n: Maybe you should stick with yes or no.
Lydia: Yes.
Cap'n: And Gustav is not invited to dinner at Spartans.
Lydia: No. I mean yes.
And that's why I should never have a smart phone or send text messages.
xoxo, Lydia
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012
I. Am. Dying.
ReplyDeleteOh my God, I am CRYING with laughter!! This is probably one of your funniest posts ever!!!
ReplyDeleteI hate swype with a violent passion!
ReplyDeleteIt came preloaded on my galaxy and after 2 minutes of trying it with my big hands I almost smashed the damn phone against the bloody wall!
I struggle with regular texting but with this swype crap my texts must have looked like I was having a stroke
Cheers, Sausage...
omg. doing the silent wheezy shaking tears flowing laugh here. o. m. g.
ReplyDeleteMee too! My little kids are staring at me with a worried look and the hubs thinks I'm having a siezure. The big kid just wants to know what is so funny - but I can't tell him because I'm mute!!
DeleteWas trying to share the love with my husband, but couldn't stop laughing enough to read out loud. Tears are flowing and I'm considering the whole thing my aerobic exercise for the day. PS - He's now downloading swype.
DeleteOMG. It's like my lungs are trying to turn inside out. Tears. And choking. And disturbing the dogs. And a little peeing. But just a little, as I've been kegeling.
Deleteit's not you it's the phone... ever since I broke my windows phone I've been using my husbands old Galaxy. and it does the same thing to me, and i don't use that swype function.. I actually really dislike the phone. it takes normal words and then autocorrects them even if there's no typo... it drives me apeshit. I can't wait until I get a new phone
ReplyDeleteMine always autocorrects my user name at work to "Furious." It makes me feel like I am one of the Fantastic Four.
ReplyDelete*This* is why I am scared to death to get a phone without a slide out keyboard. Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I had a guinea pig named Giblet. Why would my parents let me name my pet after guts???
Oh. My. God. There is nothing like starting my day with coffee and a belly laugh. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI have had swype for the past year (it just changed past year to pay yeast, btw). It had presented me with such gems as "Can you bring a salad? I'm making baked Zorro (ziti) for dinner." And, speaking about my MIL: "I'm not sure where we're going, I'll ask her hymen (then)"
ReplyDeleteAwesome. Amazing. Swype hates otizem_daddy (my hubby) as well
ReplyDeleteYou go, Gustav!
ReplyDeleteOMG - I am totally laughing my head off right now. My phone does that too, and I don't even use swype. Lord, my auto-correct is bad enough without using swype. My kids are convinced I am having an affair with some guy named Jim, since my phone would auto correct him to "Jim" for about a month and a half, and I didn't always catch it. lol
ReplyDeletePoor Cap'n, first Pokey Doherty (dorky porno name!) and then Gustav. Thanks for the laughs this morning!!
ReplyDeletehttp://fluffimama.blogspot.com/
I had swype on my last phone. Fudge that. I gave up after a month with more oopsies than my mom and her iPhone before she turned off auto correct. My husband has atrocious spelling, but even he was laughing at my mess-ups at times.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh!
HA HA HA HA! Can't... type... laughing too hard! I find great glee in things like this. Is it "Damn You Autocorrect" that has all of the awesome texting flubs due to genius phones? I have nothing of the sort enabled on my little kind of smart Galaxy phone, though I did tell my husband to make sure to check his "withholdong" the other day. All me, I can't blame anything else. He said I did it on purpose. I'm pretty sure no dongs were withheld that day.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this! Gave me a well needed laugh!
I also have a Galaxy and have noticed interesting words popping up with Swype. The worst is that my phone also has a stupid glitch so that if I try to edit what is written in a text (other than backspace), it totally freezes up and won't let me do anything until I send the text, weird letters and all. Very annoying.
ReplyDelete@ Erica Burns: Mine was doing the same thing until I went into Settings and figured out how to turn off autocorrect totally. Much better. I couldn't even type in an email address because gmail.com always turned into some random word.
I am exhausted from laughing! I too have a swype feature I generally love. However swyping and posting on Facebook is not always a good idea, no matter how amusing. Just this morning in fact I almost made a doozy of a post. I'm posting 30 days of thankful and this morning's post was about what a great pregnancy I'm having all told. I further go on to say ”given the history of my organs it could be very bad.” I nearly hit post before I realized that swype had written ”orgasms”.
ReplyDeleteI just recently switched from the Droid X to the Galaxy S3....the swype feature sucks, like really sucks. I have to carefully read each text I type...every time. So, it isn't you at all!
ReplyDeleteGotta go now, apparently I never learn so I need to write 100 X "Do not drink coffee while reading, RfML...." I think I'll add 100 "If the post involves texting get kleenex before starting to read, too hard to find while crying and giggling at same time"
ReplyDeleteHowever "gibbets" for "f*ckers" is going to become part of my vocab along with "porkchitter!" and I need to work in "You go, Gustav" the next time I talk to my husband!
Sorry I'm not sorry that I freaking love your blog. This was the perfect addition to my morning during my babe's nap; a laughing fit so hard I was crying. Please be my best friend now.
ReplyDeleteAfter using Swype to send a message to my boss, I've learned to never, ever, EVER use it again. My message was supposed to say, "I won't be in today. My kid is sick again, last night was rough. I'll be in touch." Instead, in my half opened eyeball no sleep delirium, it came across as, "I winy be UN rusty. My loud of stick again, lady night wad tough. I'll be in rock." He simply said, "Sober up and call me later." That's just GREAT. Just an FYI, once you stop using Swype, you become a tic tac typer that makes more mistakes than Swype ever did on your behalf. It's a weaning process to use traditional text methods once Swype has brainwashed your fingers into gliding across the screen with ease.
ReplyDeleteI had the same problem with my Galaxy! And then I figured out how to disable that feature and I was so happy that I posted about it on Facebook! I never post anything on Facebook unless it's about my family and I actually wrote "I defeat you!" to my phone. On Facebook. As if it will magically know I'm happy that I'm finally smarter than it.
ReplyDeletelaughing so hard I am jiggling the toddler TRYING to watch Dora on my lap....she's not amused.
ReplyDeleteI had the same problem with Swype. I finally installed a keyboard app called SwiftKey that works a little better, if you reach that level of frustration.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason, mine really likes the word "Asshat". I can't imagine WHERE it got that word... *ahem*...
ReplyDeleteooh, the laughing! it hurts!
ReplyDeleteI am grateful for my old-phone with it's dinky number buttons. I like being smarter than my phone =)
Lydia, i laughed so hard, i cried. I was trying to silently laugh as I was rocking the baby to sleep as i read this. I can never read your posts again while rocking kids to sleep. I woke the baby.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do that ALL THE TIME with Swype as well!
I've managed to create some awesome new words with Swype, it's quite amusing at times. burnt became nurnt which is a favorite of my friends, also shit skulls. yeah i have no idea what i was trying to type but that's what was sent.
ReplyDeleteOk, so when I put Beef Hounds into google, RFML was the very first result! Lydia, you win... for both making me pee and cry simultaneously and for being google search result #1 for "Beef Hound". Please do not ever stop. Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteHaven't laughed so hard I cried in a long time - thanks!
ReplyDeleteJust have a dumb phone----swype reminded me of "Swyper, no swyping!" a la Dora!
ReplyDeleteThese are my favorite "typo's" ever.
ReplyDeleteAnd, my phone does this too. But yours are better!
I'm laughing so hard my forehead hurts!!! Ouch!
ReplyDeletegot some tears of laughter with this one. swype can be so infuriating---thanks for keeping a record of these hilarious swype-o's!!!
ReplyDeleteDying...I'm dying. I have problems with Swype as well, but nothing nearly as funny as yours. I'm so glad you are willing to share these things with us! I needed the relief of hilarious laughter today, so thank you very much!
ReplyDeleteI just pulled a muscle laughing. And shared with all of my friends. Oh, Lydia, when you are on, you are REALLY on. Love it because it's so true! :)
ReplyDeleteOMG, Gustav visits me too!!!
ReplyDeleteOne of your best posts ever. Please never upgrade this phone.
ReplyDeleteMy kids came over to see why I was laughing so hard. Had to shoo them away! I didn't know what beef hounds were either! And it's obvious why they never hurt- we're WOMEN. LOL!
ReplyDeleteThis is why I have a phone with a QWERTY keyboard. Maybe if enough people read this post, I might be able to find more than one stinking model available- QWERTYs are becoming a rare thing!
This post is definitely going to become a classic!
Oh.M.Gee. you never disappoint.
ReplyDeleteOMG...laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Best post ever!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI beyond LOL'd I screamed the entire time
ReplyDeleteBeef hound! Gustav! I desperately want to be on text terms with you.
ReplyDeleteLast week, I texted my mother-in-law that I was looking forward to being lesbian with her.
YES I did.
Apparently, my iPhone thinks "together" and "lesbian" are mutually exclusive.
http://theycallmemummy.com
Beef hound! Gustav! I desperately want to be on text terms with you.
ReplyDeleteLast week, I texted my mother-in-law that I was looking forward to being lesbian with her.
YES I did.
Apparently, my iPhone thinks "together" and "lesbian" are mutually exclusive.
http://theycallmemummy.com
I texted my mom once about having coitus with my sister because of swype! It was so confusing for my poor mom. I ended up turning it off to save us all from family therapy sessions.
ReplyDeleteI am lying in my bed on a Sunday morning reading this and laughing so hard I'm sure I've smeared last nights makeup that I couldn't be bothered to wash off all over my face!! Whuck, you are funny!!!
ReplyDeleteI just went into a complete convulsive snorting, tears streaming, fit of giggles over Gustav. My husband is looking at me like I've completely lost it.
ReplyDeleteme too !! and mine too !!
DeleteI LOVE YOUR PHONE!! I haven't laughed like that in a l.o.n.g. time.
ReplyDeletewow - that is fantastic. My personal favorite autocorrect mishap -
ReplyDeleteMy hubby was texting our pastor an update on a class he was teaching the youth group on the book Ecclesiastes which was autocorrect to - I kid you not - Crazy Ass Tease - As in "yes pastor, the teenagers are learning a lot from our study of Crazy Ass Tease"
Desperately trying to quiet laugh and cry while not waking my kid up...too funny...
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh I just cried. This happens to me all the time. My phones hates me soooo much. I too, have a Pokey Doherty problem, and I do lots of things "lady night".
ReplyDeleteI can hardly read the responses I'm laughing so hard...... I am a Swype lover. Don't be hatin' me! On my Razr, I get a few options if it doesn't understand what I'm trying to text. But I swear the programmers were trying to one-up each other when choosing the options for each word typed. I swear, once I tried to write "ex-wife" and it gave me the option of "ogre". Really??!! Those are totally close on the keypad. I am a midwife, and some of the options when I'm trying to spell "placenta" or "hemorrhage" crack me up. Thanks gods I am such a grammar/spelling nazi. I haven't ever "sent" any doozies.....yet. Love me some RFML when the kids are sleeping, and I hope I won't wake them up with my spazzed-out laughing fits!
ReplyDeleteHard to pretend you are working when you're suppressing insane laughing noises from coming out of your mouth, and they are coming out as coughs and tears.
ReplyDeleteok let's see what happens when lb Adaptec this Medvedev (that was 'I swype this message').
ReplyDeleteI can't do it. O.M.SCHMIDT. I am dying here.
I don't text a lot, but I'm an avid Tweeter. And I have a love/hate relationship with Swype. I have a fear that one of these days I will tweet something horribly vulgar, and the entire world will read it! Closest I've come so far was when I tried to swype "premises" and it became a certain male anatomy, plural. Thankfully I caught it before I hit send. But I have had some less embarrassing but stupid things go out quite often. I really have to proofread more! lol (BTW, this is being typed on my laptop, sans Swype!)
ReplyDeleteI agree totally about swype. 90% of the time it is great, by which i mean it's FAST & easy. But it winds up being pretty slow, not to mention frustrating, overall because of the mistakes it makes. that's why i gave it up.
ReplyDeleteThere are many other keyboards out there.I've tried a few. My favorite it called "message ease" (this is not an add; it's free on "google play"). There is a slight learning curve to it, as it is not the usual QWERTY set-up. But it's fast, efficient, and allows for easy one-handed texting. It's the only one i use now, but you have to experiment with several to see what works for you.
Ah I'm trying as hard as I can to contain my laughter!! My 5 month old little one is sleeping on the boob;) I lthink I love you Lydia!!
ReplyDeleteI'm trying as hard as I can to contain my laughter!! My 5 month old is sleeping on the boob:) I think I love you Lydia!!
ReplyDeleteLaughing. so. hard. I. can't. breath! XD
ReplyDelete