Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Requisite New Year's Post

I really hope you're not expecting some pensive reflection on 2012 and hopeful inspiring words for 2013. I would love to have done that for you guys. BUT GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

All. It all happened. And I wrote nothing. Except this ridiculous missive that isn't even a post. OK, so here's what happened.

Last week, the disposal broke and started leaking all over my kitchen but we didn't notice where the water was coming from until Monday. We just thought things were damper than usual. Then I saw water running into my basement because it turns out that the dishwasher very conveniently broke at the same time. And also leaked water everywhere.


F you water. Don't break my house.

Also, my abode looks like Christmas got the stomach flu and then got violently ill all over everywhere. On both the inside and the outside of my house. And keep in mind that I don't know how to decorate things to make them look nice and my holiday decor has no order at all. It looks exactly like a girl from New Jersey and a boy from West Virginia (the perfect white trash marriage combo) got married too young and decided to pretend they were grown-ups and get a bunch of random holiday crap from K-mart and throw it around their house every Christmas for 15 years until it got old and moldy but then they don't throw any of it away because that would be wasting money.

Why does it look exactly like that? Because that's what it is. That's what we are. But it gets better.

Because my 15 year old geriatric dick of a cat is now too curmudgeonly to care about anything except his dinner and squeezing in 20 hours of sleep per day, so he decided to give me the very special holiday gift of shitting behind the Christmas tree every day for a month. So now I have to clean the carpets and of course, I'm attempting to do it myself because my friend lent me his carpet cleaner. And really the whole house needs it because we are a dirty people.

And we still need to write thank you notes for Christmas. OH DEAR LORD. We also need to write them for Mini's birthday party that took place on November 11th. Those cards will read something like:
"I am so sorry this note is now almost 2 months late. Thank you the wonderful gift and for coming to our party. We're very sorry we only had pretzels and oddly mis-shapen cake pops. Also that we had no cold drinks because I accidentally left the fridge door open all night the night before and we had to throw everything out. I'm also very sorry we exposed your entire family to a communicable disease but at the time we really had no idea that Hawk even had Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. Thanks again and Happy New Years! 
xo, Lydia B. Coupon"
Oh, also I haven't had the laundry all the way done since Hurricane Sandy and that was right before Halloween. And right now the piles are out of control. We have returned to the days of Mt. Laundry.

And there's no food in the house.

And I should probably pay bills.

And I'm supposed to run a cub scout meeting, I think. I need to check on that.

So guess what, hookers? For me 2013 starts next week. I'll get it together  - I promise - I just need a few more days. Really productive days.

I missed you guys a lot over winter break and I hope you guys all had a good time and everything and your dishwasher didn't break and leak dukey water all over all your stuff. So far 2013 is looking a lot like 2012.

xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012


  1. AAWWW so sorry to hear about the crapfest you're enduring. It'll get better yall are all still awesome possum.

  2. Here in Russia, some still celebrate Old New Year (January 13, where New Year was before the calendar got moved back 2 weeks). I plan to celebrate my usually-December-31-birthday then.I recommend you start your 2013 then too!

  3. :-( no fun (obvious understatement). Thanks for the update...I hope it was at least somehow cathartic. Wishing you magic laundry and house cleaning fairies! (Seriously ...maybe host a cleaning party with a friend or two or splurge for a cleaning lady just to get back on solid ground (?--that would be my dream Wishing you the best!

  4. The greatest thing about ever is your ability to just be straight up honest and real. The Christmas decorations part made me laugh out loud!! And that is just THE SUCK about the dishwasher. I hear you on the 2013 looking a lot like 2012 part for sure!

  5. Sister, I hear you about the water thing. Yours is soooo much worse but we didn't realize that the water dispenser on the fridge was slowly leaking until is started to come up through the linoleum and now, the linoleum is buckled and peeling...awesome because I can't afford to replace it or the fridge. Yeah.

  6. What is it about the inappropriate relationship between garbage disposals and dishwashers? Every time our disposal clogs, food spew ends up inside the dishwashers. It's unsavory. Get a room already!

    I hate writing the requisite New Year's post! People want to know what you learned and what you aspire to achieve in the new year. Ha! My advice, aim low.

  7. Second verse, same as the first... LOL Sounds an awful lot like our house. As for the Christmas stuff -- I just lay claim to "If the Wise Men ain't there yet, it's still Christmas, so the 'decorating' stays." Heck, some of my friends don't even celebrate Christmas until January 6...I may decide to do that just so I can get wrapping paper 70% off on December 26th.

  8. Oh what a crappy way to start off 2013! I hope things improve real quick!

  9. I've been trying to find the energy for the requisite New Year's post...

    Right now I'm half-assedly entertaining my toddler (read: bribing him with cookies) while I sit painfully and try not to aggravate my screaming back pain.

    I think I'd rather deal with your water issues. Wanna trade?

  10. Wow! Your decorations sound like mine! And we only have part of them up. They are out, well at least the storage bins are out but the decorations never fully got put up! That's kind of what happens when Grammie passes away a week before Christmas. It was actually a blessing for her as she had severe Alzheimer's for the past year or more and was basically a shell of her former vibrant self. However it did really throw a severe kink into our Christmas plans.
    At least our Son got his family Birthday party (2 days before Christmas!) After which he got sick with the flu (even after getting the flu shot back in October) and passed it on to my hubby, the irresistible Redneck so that he was sick for Christmas and his entire Christmas vacation. So My house looks as bad, or probably worse than yours as I keep finding bits and pieces of Christmas or even Birthday wrapping paper in odd places all over the house with the scattered new toys. There are also piles of Lego sets scattered in every single room of the house. I finally tried to pick them all up yesterday and put them in bowls marked as to where I found them so Mr Bean can finally put them together in the right set. However he laughed at that and will basically combine them so said sets will never be put together.

    I also now need to sew his Scout badges onto his new Scout shirt for their meeting today. Have I mentioned I am not good at sewing and my last attempt was laughable! Also pick up some library books on winter for Little Miss Adventures preschool class to read that I was supposed to do over Christmas break!

    Ugh, at least you can be sure that some other people share and know exactly how you are feeling!

    Jrseygirl in VA

  11. OMG BTDT with the water. At our old house we had a roof leak and until we could get together enough money for a new roof we had milk cartons with the bottom cut off taped to the window to funnel the leak into a bucket every time it rained. Then the tank of our toiled cracked flooding the house with two inches of water at 2am - we were out so it just kept trying to fill until we got home.(and earned us a stay in a crappy hotel while they dried it up). Then the bottom of our water heater dropped and flooded the middle of the house at 4am. Then we moved and the first Super Bowl sunday in our new house the snow that had blown into the improperly installed roof ridge vent melted and flooded my bedroom and soaked the drywall in there.

    I really hate water. Those fountains that are supposed to calm you? They stress me out, and make me have to pee.

  12. Can you drink wine at a laundromat while holding the Cub Scout meeting? Maybe you can have them write your thank you notes for an activity? I'm all about helping build character through cooperative activities.

  13. you have made me feel happy about my own set of 2013 mishaps (what? you say it's only the THIRD??? WTF??? i feel like it's at least the 14th). so, thank you? so, so sorry about the dukey water. that has got to be...god awful. i hope it gets better and that you can ring in the new year least by the end of the month. and, lastly happy new year, and - WINE! because everything tastes (and smells) better with wine!

  14. One thing at a time. You can do it. deep breath ( somewhere with no standing mucky water). then on with it we
    ll see you when you are less submerged!


  15. I would totally come help! And my Sprinkles and your Hawk can share diseases! Swap some Staph for a little Hand, Foot, and Mouth? Littles are SUCH givers....

  16. Oh my, I'm so sorry about your water issues. That was my New Year's last year. A pipe in the basement burst and leaked all over everything, causing strange smells and even stranger colors. 2 months later it happened again! Stupid water. this year we haven't had water issues but we did wake up Christmas morning with no heat. We live in Canada. It's cold. Stupid furnace.

    But I laughed SO HARD at the description of your Christmas decorations! They sound just like mine. I always tell people that my house is where Christmas goes to die. For example, we had a $29 fake Christmas tree for years. It looked really awful by last Christmas but I packed it away anyway. Can't waste money! It was in the basement both times we got flooded. I brought it out this year and oh, it was special. It was essentially a wad of wires with a few sad green plastic bits hanging on for dear life. So I splurged on a $50 tree but I couldn't bring myself to throw out the old one so I covered it in lights and put it on the porch. I might as well throw around some truck parts and call it good.

  17. Sometimes I swear you are a spy in my house. With the exception of the Christmas Tree Litter Box, we had the same set of holidays. Funky dishwater is the nastiest smell ever.

  18. That's too much for one person, but if it makes you feel less alone, I haven't had use of my kitchen sink or dishwasher for a week. My sink clogged, so I was trying to plunge it, and while joking on the phone with a friend about how I was trying to move the stick up and down really hard (that's what she said), suddenly I heard water pouring into the basement because I'd popped a weak spot in the drain pipe. Which totally ruined the sexual metaphor. Thankfully it wasn't an entire dishwasher run and didn't smell like dukey though. I hope your karma improves.

  19. This sounds very similar to my house! I think it may have something to do with the perfect white trash marriage combo, because I am a girl from West Virginia that married a boy from NYC lol. Plus, we are currently in the process of buying a new, big, beautiful home that, Maude help me, we will probably destroy...

  20. F you, Mt. Laundry! It. Is. Neverending.

    Found you on Bloggymoms! And I love your blog!

  21. Read The Bloggess about the new year. I think you deserve a year in The Library too.

  22. What's better than a water intrusion holiday, right? Christmas eve we discovered water dripping into our basement from our (still fairly new) dishwasher. Dirty dishwater is definitely disgusting. Even more disgusting...turns out a mouse had conveniently nibbled through the drain hose and the electrical cord for the dishwater. And house-destroying mouse didn't do us the courtesy of drowning or electrocuting itself. It remains somewhere given the freshly nibbled apple discovered in the fruit bowl this morning. Nothing like ringing in the year with multiple trips to the hardware store.




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