Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Requisite New Year's Post


I really hope you're not expecting some pensive reflection on 2012 and hopeful inspiring words for 2013. I would love to have done that for you guys. BUT GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

All. It all happened. And I wrote nothing. Except this ridiculous missive that isn't even a post. OK, so here's what happened.

Last week, the disposal broke and started leaking all over my kitchen but we didn't notice where the water was coming from until Monday. We just thought things were damper than usual. Then I saw water running into my basement because it turns out that the dishwasher very conveniently broke at the same time. And also leaked water everywhere.

You know what? I had no idea how much I hated and feared water until today. DAMN YOU, DIRTY DISHWASHER WATER THAT SMELLS LIKE DUKEY AND SOAKED HALF MY HOUSE AND COULD HAVE TOTALLY BROKEN IT.

F you water. Don't break my house.

Also, my abode looks like Christmas got the stomach flu and then got violently ill all over everywhere. On both the inside and the outside of my house. And keep in mind that I don't know how to decorate things to make them look nice and my holiday decor has no order at all. It looks exactly like a girl from New Jersey and a boy from West Virginia (the perfect white trash marriage combo) got married too young and decided to pretend they were grown-ups and get a bunch of random holiday crap from K-mart and throw it around their house every Christmas for 15 years until it got old and moldy but then they don't throw any of it away because that would be wasting money.

Why does it look exactly like that? Because that's what it is. That's what we are. But it gets better.

Because my 15 year old geriatric dick of a cat is now too curmudgeonly to care about anything except his dinner and squeezing in 20 hours of sleep per day, so he decided to give me the very special holiday gift of shitting behind the Christmas tree every day for a month. So now I have to clean the carpets and of course, I'm attempting to do it myself because my friend lent me his carpet cleaner. And really the whole house needs it because we are a dirty people.

And we still need to write thank you notes for Christmas. OH DEAR LORD. We also need to write them for Mini's birthday party that took place on November 11th. Those cards will read something like:
"I am so sorry this note is now almost 2 months late. Thank you the wonderful gift and for coming to our party. We're very sorry we only had pretzels and oddly mis-shapen cake pops. Also that we had no cold drinks because I accidentally left the fridge door open all night the night before and we had to throw everything out. I'm also very sorry we exposed your entire family to a communicable disease but at the time we really had no idea that Hawk even had Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. Thanks again and Happy New Years! 
xo, Lydia B. Coupon"
Oh, also I haven't had the laundry all the way done since Hurricane Sandy and that was right before Halloween. And right now the piles are out of control. We have returned to the days of Mt. Laundry.

And there's no food in the house.

And I should probably pay bills.

And I'm supposed to run a cub scout meeting, I think. I need to check on that.

So guess what, hookers? For me 2013 starts next week. I'll get it together  - I promise - I just need a few more days. Really productive days.

I missed you guys a lot over winter break and I hope you guys all had a good time and everything and your dishwasher didn't break and leak dukey water all over all your stuff. So far 2013 is looking a lot like 2012.

xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2012

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