Tuesday, February 26, 2013

10 Embarrassing Things About Lydia

Hi and waving! Lydia here. I'm going to tell you ten things about myself that I'm ashamed to admit. Here in Mommyland, we strive for honesty. Otherwise, we run the risk of becoming one of those Facebook moms who you secretly consider blocking from your newsfeed because her updates make you feel like your life is a poop show compared to hers.

I've written stuff like this before, in various iterations, but its been a while. But we have some new people who might want to get a better sense of who I am and what we're all about so they can make a decision about whether or not they want to to hang out here. Let's get started:

Item 1: I still eat McDonalds sometimes. I KNOW. You don't have to give me the "You should know better" face and tell me how its not even really food. I've seen Soylent Green, OK? I'm prepared for all the possibilities of what I'm eating. But here's the thing -  I have an unholy love for the Filet-O-Fish sandwich. And sometimes I need to have a fountain Coke (like maybe once a month). And fountain cokes taste better from McDonalds than from anywhere else and that's a universal truth of America. I'm not proud of my behavior - but there it is.

Item 2: Sometimes I forget and I wear a red shirt when I go to Target. Then people stop me and ask me questions like: "Do you have any butt paste?" and "Where's the wine section?" and since I know where everything is in the entire store, I just show them. It's not even weird anymore.

Item 3: One of my goals for this year is to be less of a bitch to my husband and kids. I kept finding myself in these moments or moods where I was so exhausted or stressed or frustrated that I became this nasty, snappish nag dragon that could barely speak civilly to anyone. So I decided I had to change. I'm now making a HUGE effort to speak kindly even when saying things for the ten thousandth time or flushing a potty with toxic waste in it. The effort to not yell is sometimes overwhelming, like holding a yoga pose that makes you feel like your spine will snap.

Item 4: The good news is that my efforts to be less of a bitch are working. The bad news is that I'm totally faking it. I'm yelling inside my head. I'm SCREAMING sometimes. Especially the first and last hour of the day. Getting everyone out the door in the morning and into bed at night is when I'm using a nice voice, but thinking in an evil one. And it makes me sad. It makes me feel like I'm pretending to be a good mom, because the mom that I really am is a horrible person.

Item 5: Three words: Candy Crush Saga. I hate you but I just can't quit you. I wish you were never invented.

Item 6: I can't listen to religious music of any kind because it results in uncontrollable sobbing. I can't even hear the hymns in church without staring straight up, hoping the tears won't roll down my stupid face. I can't turn on the local family-friendly Christian contemporary station even though it would never, ever teaches my kids lyrics like "your sex takes me to paradise" (thanks, Bruno Mars). I really, really can't listen to gospel music or the sobbing gets loud and leads to the hiccups. I even cried listening to Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn, who was from Pakistan and sang Sufi devotionals. I am pathetic.

Item 7: According to Myers Briggs and basically every person who has ever met me, I am extremely extroverted. In addition to this, I talk waayyy too much and too fast. But I'm also very insecure so I try to cover that up with attempts at being funny. This rarely works. It sometimes comes off as bravado (which it isn't) or a mental imbalance (arguable).  Usually it's just painful, stupid and embarrassing for everyone involved. This is especially true when a I'm meeting someone for the first time. Be warned if you ever see me in Target and come say hi.

Item 8: My two favorite movies indicate a very disturbed mind: Pride & Prejudice (1995 Colin Firth version) and Talladega Nights. [Editor's note: I'm so glad you said the 1995 one and not the stupid Keira Knightly version. God, I love Colin Firth. -Guru Louise]

Item 9: I thought I knew who my my best buds were. I have have lots of good friends all over the place  and I love them very much. But I'm talking ones that I actually spend time with on the regular. It's shifted over the past 2 years due to folks moving away, and going back to work, and having new babies, and kids getting older, and going to different schools, and just... Life. Nothing dramatic, just a subtle shift that happened so slowly I missed the changes. And now it's all different. Here's how I know who my good friends are: when I walk into their house, my phone jumps on their wifi without me having to do anything. Wow. Now that I know, it makes perfect sense.

Sadly, my phone also jumps onto the guest wifi at Target. I think I know what that says about me. But it does the same thing at the library and my kids' preschool, though. So maybe that redeems me slightly?

Item 10: I recently fell up a flight of stairs. It takes a really special person to do that.

Now you know more about me and (probably) feel a whole lot better about yourself.
xoxo, Lydia

PS: If you have any slightly embarrassing admission of your own - this is a safe place.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

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