Tuesday, February 26, 2013

10 Embarrassing Things About Lydia

Hi and waving! Lydia here. I'm going to tell you ten things about myself that I'm ashamed to admit. Here in Mommyland, we strive for honesty. Otherwise, we run the risk of becoming one of those Facebook moms who you secretly consider blocking from your newsfeed because her updates make you feel like your life is a poop show compared to hers.

I've written stuff like this before, in various iterations, but its been a while. But we have some new people who might want to get a better sense of who I am and what we're all about so they can make a decision about whether or not they want to to hang out here. Let's get started:



Item 1: I still eat McDonalds sometimes. I KNOW. You don't have to give me the "You should know better" face and tell me how its not even really food. I've seen Soylent Green, OK? I'm prepared for all the possibilities of what I'm eating. But here's the thing -  I have an unholy love for the Filet-O-Fish sandwich. And sometimes I need to have a fountain Coke (like maybe once a month). And fountain cokes taste better from McDonalds than from anywhere else and that's a universal truth of America. I'm not proud of my behavior - but there it is.

(http://simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/File:Soylentgreen.gif)
Item 2: Sometimes I forget and I wear a red shirt when I go to Target. Then people stop me and ask me questions like: "Do you have any butt paste?" and "Where's the wine section?" and since I know where everything is in the entire store, I just show them. It's not even weird anymore.

Item 3: One of my goals for this year is to be less of a bitch to my husband and kids. I kept finding myself in these moments or moods where I was so exhausted or stressed or frustrated that I became this nasty, snappish nag dragon that could barely speak civilly to anyone. So I decided I had to change. I'm now making a HUGE effort to speak kindly even when saying things for the ten thousandth time or flushing a potty with toxic waste in it. The effort to not yell is sometimes overwhelming, like holding a yoga pose that makes you feel like your spine will snap.

Item 4: The good news is that my efforts to be less of a bitch are working. The bad news is that I'm totally faking it. I'm yelling inside my head. I'm SCREAMING sometimes. Especially the first and last hour of the day. Getting everyone out the door in the morning and into bed at night is when I'm using a nice voice, but thinking in an evil one. And it makes me sad. It makes me feel like I'm pretending to be a good mom, because the mom that I really am is a horrible person.

Item 5: Three words: Candy Crush Saga. I hate you but I just can't quit you. I wish you were never invented.

Item 6: I can't listen to religious music of any kind because it results in uncontrollable sobbing. I can't even hear the hymns in church without staring straight up, hoping the tears won't roll down my stupid face. I can't turn on the local family-friendly Christian contemporary station even though it would never, ever teaches my kids lyrics like "your sex takes me to paradise" (thanks, Bruno Mars). I really, really can't listen to gospel music or the sobbing gets loud and leads to the hiccups. I even cried listening to Nusrat Fateh Ali Kahn, who was from Pakistan and sang Sufi devotionals. I am pathetic.

Item 7: According to Myers Briggs and basically every person who has ever met me, I am extremely extroverted. In addition to this, I talk waayyy too much and too fast. But I'm also very insecure so I try to cover that up with attempts at being funny. This rarely works. It sometimes comes off as bravado (which it isn't) or a mental imbalance (arguable).  Usually it's just painful, stupid and embarrassing for everyone involved. This is especially true when a I'm meeting someone for the first time. Be warned if you ever see me in Target and come say hi.

Item 8: My two favorite movies indicate a very disturbed mind: Pride & Prejudice (1995 Colin Firth version) and Talladega Nights. [Editor's note: I'm so glad you said the 1995 one and not the stupid Keira Knightly version. God, I love Colin Firth. -Guru Louise]

Item 9: I thought I knew who my my best buds were. I have have lots of good friends all over the place  and I love them very much. But I'm talking ones that I actually spend time with on the regular. It's shifted over the past 2 years due to folks moving away, and going back to work, and having new babies, and kids getting older, and going to different schools, and just... Life. Nothing dramatic, just a subtle shift that happened so slowly I missed the changes. And now it's all different. Here's how I know who my good friends are: when I walk into their house, my phone jumps on their wifi without me having to do anything. Wow. Now that I know, it makes perfect sense.

Sadly, my phone also jumps onto the guest wifi at Target. I think I know what that says about me. But it does the same thing at the library and my kids' preschool, though. So maybe that redeems me slightly?

Item 10: I recently fell up a flight of stairs. It takes a really special person to do that.

Now you know more about me and (probably) feel a whole lot better about yourself.
xoxo, Lydia

PS: If you have any slightly embarrassing admission of your own - this is a safe place.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

88 comments:

  1. These are great and sure to make the rest of us feel better. Here's my list:

    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2011/06/things-you-should-know-about-me-or-epic.html

    #3 and #14 usually make people feel better about themselves.

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  2. Candy Crush Saga...I also can not quit and hate myself for it...and MacDonalds....and the screaming mom bit...I am also working on that one. It is difficult. Thanks for making me remember that I am not the only "crazy" mother out there and that those Facebook moms who have it all figured out are probably spreading some butter on their own wounds ;o)

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  3. I do the yelling in my head thing as well. The only way I could get myself to stop the yelling was to give my kids M&Ms every time i raised my voice. It backfired and they started purposely doing things to get me insanely angry (multiple rolls of TP down the toilet, coloring their entire room on crayon, etc).

    In the grand scheme, we love our kids and we could be doing much much worse.

    I've met your kids and they are pretty awesome, you must be doing something right!

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    1. Reading your comment I thought: I should try the M&M thing... maybe then I will stop sounding like a banshee... then I kept reading lol! Thanks for the tip

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    2. It wouldn't backfire if you gave *yourself* an m&m when you don't raise your voice.

      Unless of course you don't like m&m's or are on a diet. ;-)

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    3. I would need the two pound bag of M&M's probably every other day. I'm woking on the yelling, but DANG it is hard!!

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  4. I could have written this. You are 100% right that McDonald's has the best fountain Coke. At least you are making an effort to speak nicer to your family. I can't even fake it and it's usually because of that first and last hour. The friend thing hit a nerve with me. It's happening over here and it's sad. It's all weird and makes me not want to leave my house. The Christian music...yes! Yes! Yes! I cry every single time. Glad I am not alone.

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  5. Thanks for posting this it made me smile. Here are a few of mine. I will snack off of my kids leftover happy meals. My two youngest love Candyland and want to play it several times a day. So I have been known to cheat and slip them a card to move them up and end it quickly. I say the hamster and lizard are for the kids..but they are really for me. One last thing, Sims are addicting.

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    1. This is the ONLY way to play Candyland. I also stack the deck with all the double colors on top, and I pull out all the candy cards that are near the beginning. Oh, and my rule is that once a candy card has been used, it's out of the game. Still, Candyland is WAY better than Chutes and Ladders, in which the children have to figure out how to move their person sometimes left, sometimes right, and then they get to the top and have to slide all the way down to do it all over again. I haven't figured out good cheats for that one. I hate that game.

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    2. I also say the hamsters are for the kids. But they are all for me!
      I'm also very bad about yelling. I can't even do it inside my head. The other day, my hubby said I should take yoga classes again because I was much nicer then. Ouch.

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    3. I threw away the candy cards when my kids were toddlers and told them I didn't know why there were random pictures on the board.

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    4. I am so glad someone else feels that way about Chutes and Ladders. I remembered loving it as a kid and thought it would be great for my kids, so I bought it. I inflicted this hell upon myself. Now every time they bring it up I see the next 45 minutes of my life slowly and painfully sucked out of me. How hard is it to follow the &%!*# numbers?!?!?!

      Confession: Sometimes I purposely miscount spaces if I see they'll land on a space that sends them back to the beginning and starts the whole damn game over again.

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    5. You can have a really fast Candyland game using the candy cards if you put them in the right order and the right locations. I had the deck attacked so both players shot to the end (ie "fair" game) and someone won within 10 min max! I was so mad when my husband unknowingly shuffled. ..

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  6. After dropping off my kids inside their classrooms, I got so distracted that I opened and sat down in another mom's car!!!! The worst part? It happened THREE different times!!

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    1. I have stood outside another person's car pushing the buttons on my keyfob and being loudly angry that the door wouldn't unlock! Also on more than one occasion!

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  7. So much of this is exactly my life - especially the nice voice but actually screaming inside head!

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  8. When I make smoothies I smash old bananas flat in a baggie and freeze. I also do this with left over gravy. One groggy day I accidentally made the family smoothies with yogurt, blueberries and what I thought was a smooshed bananas-served up cold with a straw. Needless to say by the time everyone took the determining sip they concluded I was a "buttcrack" and "hated" them. It was then I looked in the blender and find floating, slippy gravy grease. Sorry folks. I ain't Clare Huckstable.

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  9. Alot of those I can relate to...but I have a really bad one that if I think about makes me cry! A few years ago my husband was working on the road and I had to take care of my kiddos 24/7 and saw my hubby twice a month maybe. Anyways ...it was my sons 4th birthday party and we just finished the party at where else but dang McDonalds. Anyway he went home with his Nana for the night. I was so excited for the break I drove over to Target and was so excited just to have a break I wanted to go shop. I was walking up tp target and thought oh I forgot my purse went back tp car and yeah I had forgotten my one year old too he was sleeping. I cried ugly tears that day but am thankful that I had only walked half way up the isle. I got my little munchkin and hugged him and loved on him. It could have been bad. I have NEVER told anyone this story before. :-(

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    1. We are human and therefore, sometimes we fail. Every day, all over the world, moms have big and little failures and by the grace of God, nothing bad happens. We leave the baby too close to the edge of the bed and they fall off, we scoop the Lego out of the baby's mouth just in time, we forget to close a baby gate and someone tumbles halfway down the stairs. Every once in a while, something bad does happen. So give thanks that nothing bad happened, and then give yourself a break, because we *all* do stupid stuff like this, especially when exhausted and overwhelmed. Hugs to you <3

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    2. I was in such a hurry to get my kid home from daycare one day because we were late, we had appointments to make and she was screaming her darn head off about being put in the car.... I wrangled her in, I cursed (mostly under my breath) and I did the Mom "heavy sigh" like hundred times in one minute. We got on the road, I swore at the otherd rivers, we got stuck in trafic and I was raging. My daughter said something and I looked back to see what she wanted and she wasn't in her car seat! I hadn't buckled her in and she was climbing around int he back seat! Initiate Mommy panic mode... nothing happened, but oh dear God - what could have happened soooo easily. Just thinking about gets me really worked up.

      It happens, its scary and thank the Good Lord in heaven it usually ends up in nothing more than just a load of Mommy guilt and a few moments of panic. You are GOOD Mom and so am I - I hope ;)

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    3. I have totally forgotten to buckle my son in before. He's 4 now and we'll be driving down the road and he'll chime in that I forgot to buckle him in. He's now of the age where I can yell at him to get in his seat and buckle up. This has happened at least 5 times that I can remember. In my defense, he has a two year old sister who thinks her carseat is a monster so I'm always a little distracted.

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  10. 1. I think you should be less judge-y of Lydia. She is super-awesome and way more fab then you give her credit for. Also,she tries to be kind and help people all the time. And, she's a flippin' riot, which everyone knows is way more important than talking nicely to your kids! :)

    2. Embarrassing Admission: I am co-prez of PTA at our HS. That makes me seem like I am a helpful do-gooder/ alpha-mom, but I'm not. I am awful at it and can't wait to be done in June. And, I secretly have mean thoughts about some of the other moms in PTA who are soooooo annoying.

    xo

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    1. The PTA thing is so funny. I ran across someone saying that PTA stood for People. TO. Avoid.

      Thought I would give you a laugh!

      Also, the whole yelling thing, that is me. I'm pretty sure our neighbors think that I am a complete A-hole.

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  11. Oh yes - I can give you an "AMEN" on the filet-o-fish and fountain coke at Mickey D's!

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  12. Good Lord, I thought i was the only one who couldn't listen to religious music without tearing up. And to make things worse, I can't even hide it, my nose turns read whenever I start to tear up at all. (And my phone auto-logs into Target's wifi too, I guess it means I spend waaayyyy too much time there as well, lol)

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    1. Not only do I cry at church during the music parts, I wear mascara as a preventative measure and it never actually works. Rock on with your bad self!

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  13. I hear you on church music!! LOL. It's actually one of the reasons I stopped going to church - I went one time with my grandma and aunt (after not going for years), all dedicated to starting again, and when we started singing the tears started flowing. People were rushing to pass me kleenexes (probably from out of their sleeves) and wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I didn't go back.

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  14. I was eating a Egg & Bagel & Cheese from McD's when i read this.... and washing it all down with a big fountain Coke. At 8:33am. Why? Cuz I'm a single mom and just had my kids, alone, for 13 days straight. They finally go to their dad's tonight. McD's is a just reward for getting through it alive (both me and the kids!!) I have an unholy addiction to Angry Birds Star Wars, spend wayyyy too much $$ at Target, and also have to control the yelling before 7am and after 6pm. Is it too much to ask that dinner NOT get smeared allllll over the dining room table?

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  15. McDonald's will never be crossed off my list for two reasons: holiday pies and shamrock shakes. Totally.

    After reading this, I am more convinced that you're my missing twin. I should probably look up Talladega Nights on Netflix for this reason.

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  16. I really think I have every single one of those moments most days! though, i still listen to Christian music but I just let the tears fall : ) Oh and Candy Crush Saga..how dare you? Haha..yeah right, my secret addiction is Chefville. Thanks for making my morning a bit better.

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  17. Falling upstairs is not really that hard. I just thought it was something that struck me as I hit 50. It really is better than falling down stairs because the phrase from the doc that I hear in regard to myself in that instance would be 'broken hip' and we all know that leads to the worst home in the county (in any state) where old people are stored. So, falling up is good.

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  18. McDonald's has the best fountain coke ever, i think it still has the "coke" in it! Really though its bc they are required in their contract with Coke to clean their machines on an insanely regular basis (or so Ive heard from someone who may or may not be a coke employee)...which makes you wonder how often any other place serving fountain coke does it...ew.

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  19. Hilarious! You are awesome in so many ways, and thanks for helping us all to laugh. I hope it makes you feel better to know that I, too, have fallen completely up the stairs. Way more than once. I'm sure I will do it again.

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  20. Oh yes ma'am. I identify with so much of this. But the music that makes me cry is country music. Why all the sad story-songs?

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  21. I fell up a flight of stairs too. Actually twice. Once in college on the way IN to a frat party, nary a drink had been had yet. I'm just that good. I had to prove my sobriety to be admitted after that. No, I'm not falling down drunk, I'm just that talented.

    Then I was running up a flight of stairs in a library, one of those tall college ones. A whole herd of people behind me and I totally wiped out (yet protected my laptop in the tumble - for the win!) It's nice that I do these things so publicly.

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  22. I am so hooked on Candy Crush Saga too - it beats out Bejeweled! - ARGH!!!!

    I've been working on the calm voice A LOT. The mornings are getting easier - I'm working really hard at it, and it's slow, but we're getting there. This helps: http://celebratecalm.com/

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  23. Lydia, you and Jennifer Lawrence can have your own special club of people who fell up stairs. Sounds pretty awesome!

    Thanks for posting, my four year old son is more versed in 80's cartoons than the alphabet. I am pretty sure that the kids in daycare could take him any day. And, I love that Bruno Mars song, too. Why, oh why must it be so darn catchy?

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  24. So like I love you even more now. I LOL'D for real @ the Candy Crush Saga bit. :D totally with ya. Also, the screaming mom part. You are WAY past me on it. I wish I could successfully fake it on a regular basis. :/

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  25. I ate at mcdonald last night - sad but true! Then I followed it up by arriving 20 min late to my daughters girlscouts. Icing on the cake you ask? A very lovely woman who saw my daughter tons when my son was in cubscouts, but our paths don't cross so much now, proceeded to tell me how absolutely beautiful my daughter is (we get this a lot, mostly because she has red hair, slightly because she is always the youngest kid in a group and everyone else feels nostalgic about little ones but mostly they were smart enough to quit having kids and well we just weren't!). Now this kind woman says to me -OMG she is just so naturally beautiful! To which I (no filter) say- well thank the lord because what she lacks in manners, listening skills and behavior hopefully she will need those looks to skate by in life! Thankfully she is a very good friend and we both busted out laughing! Now a stranger would have given me that typical, yeah not getting mother of the year again look!

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  26. I thought I was the only one who cried with hymns and such;the Christmas candlelight service absolutely makes me a WRECK every year. And Candy Crush Saga? Oy. I think you and I might have been separated at birth....

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  27. Lydia, I'm not quite sure what's going on and if you've been stalking me or what. But with the exception of Pride and Prejudice and Candy Crush Saga, I'm pretty sure that we're clones. Maybe we were twins switched at birth? Maybe it's a nature/nurture thing? A ancient alien science experiment? No matter. You're not the only freak who feels this way, be sure of that. And I can't hear How Great Thou Art (god forbid the Carrie Underwood version) without crying my damn eyes out. AND I'M NOT EVEN THAT RELIGIOUS! What the eff? Keep up the good work, too. Your site is amazing and makes me happy every time I see a post.

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  28. You are right in style falling up the stairs, since Jennifer Lawrence made it popular at the Oscars!!!

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  29. #4 and #5 are ALL ME! And #10... Well if Jennifer Lawrence can do it at the Oscars then we all should feel better about ourselves ;)

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  30. Lydia, I can't even go to church anymore because the crying is just too embarrassing. I got tired of all of the sympathy hugs as we walked out of the church. I feel your pain!

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  31. I mock moms that say the words, "gluten free", "high fructose corn syrup" and "almond milk".

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    1. Me, too! And if they say "HFCS" instead of the whole phrase, I can't resist saying things like "half flat cream soda?!" as if I have no idea what they mean.

      ~Christi

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  32. I can quote entire sections of Talladega Nights. I cry every single time during the wedding scene in Breaking Dawn. I sometimes like the Glee version of a song better than the original. I would lay down in the road for my kids but have had to leave to room to keep from slapping them across the face during the "witching hour". I have started DOING all the stuff Ihave been pinning on Pinterest and to my everlasting shame I find that I am enjoying being some weird Donna Reed throwback.

    When all my other girlfriends complain about their husbands, I go to the bathroom because I am still so crazy in love with my husband after 17 years and 3 kids that I think other women might want to punch me in the throat.

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  33. Trying not to yell: yup.

    McDonald's Diet Coke: Double Yup.

    Candy Crush Saga: I ain't even going there. I know how bad I am with my Freecell obsession (my handle is up on several of the winners boards on the mobile app).

    I'm not Christian so I don't have to worry about the Gospel gettin me down (or maybe it's lifting you up? Not sure how all that works).

    And I, too, have fallen up the stairs. On more than one occasion. Usually in public Jennifer Lawrence style (sans fancy dress).

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  34. I too have an unholy love for the filet-o-fish. So...much...tartar...sauce.

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  35. I think we were separated at birth, my dear. I can relate to it ALL! (Ok, not the McDonald's part. I eat a lot of crap I shouldn't but never even liked McD's as a kid.)

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  36. If you are like me, you are a big fat liar - you know when you say you go to McDonald's once a month, it's more like once a week! ;)

    I'm trying to avoid Candy Crush Saga, but I am worse. I am addicted to "Diner Dash" on my Kindle Fire. I have stayed up until 1 AM playing it. Can't get more honest than that - I am a dork.

    ...and I do the screaming and nagging and yelling all the time and need to work on the stoppage of doing this like you. You are a step ahead of me - be proud of this.

    How about when the doctor asks your kid in the well child visit how much screen time they get, and knowing it's supposed to be 2 hours a day, you answer and they correct you and say, "No mom, you know it's way more than that." Nice.

    Yeah, and thanks a lot Bruno Mars!

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  37. Sigh, McDonalds. I miss it. The closest one is 10 miles away, My DH hates McD's and I rarely get out that direction alone. I had a sausage Mc Muffin last September. Here's one for you I clean the cat box, chicken coop and stable more often than the bathrooms in our house. upon finally getting my kitchen clean I feel a compulsion to cook something. Thus the clean lasts minutes at best.

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  38. #3. amen. oh, and i thought you'd love this mcdonald's clip if you haven't seen it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YDTfEhChgw i love this guy so much.

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  39. At least once a day, I scream "PRICK!" at my phone while playing Candy Crush Saga. I don't even use my inside voice.

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  40. The square fish sandwich at McDonalds!!! I love it but try to have one only a couple of times a year.

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  41. #3 & 4 - TOTALLY me. The sad part? I have an ONLY CHILD. There, I've outed myself. (Insert whiney baby GIF here). I totally suck at being patient with him lately. Thanks for the reassurance that I am not alone in my struggle to keep it together with him during those two times of the day... You ROCK!

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  42. I can relate to most of these! #1 - Fountain Coke totally rocks! Good on you for only once a month! I'm once a day, but I don't drink coffee, so there's my caffeine fix. I secretly think I should own stock in McDonalds, we go enough. #2 - Note to self: leave the red shirt at home before doing a Target run. #3 and #4 - Always a work in progress!!

    This was a fun post to read!

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  43. I'm a yeller. And I'm trying really hard not to be. I actually found the Orange Rhino Challenge blog when I was voting for Rants on the Parents site and am taking the challenge to not yell at my children or spouse. Except that we are using the phrase "Fuzzy Elbow" instead of Orange Rhino because I made the mistake of googling Orange Rhino when I was trying to find the blog again and up popped an Urban Dictionary definition of Orange Rhino that I can't get out of my head. My husband asked if I googled fuzzy elbow and I haven't, so don't tell me if it's something gross :).

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  44. I SWEAR and cross my fingers that I have been telling people for years that the best fountain coke on earth is from macdonalds!!!

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  45. #1 Don't feel bad about fast food. Sometimes, it's not a meal...it's a vital survival tool.

    #2 Yelling inside your head? I think being able to confine it in there is fantastic. Mine won't stay.

    #3. Don't feel too bad about the falling up the stairs thing. Once I was in a theatre to accept an award, I was dressed to the nines. On my way up to the stage, I fell up the stairs and heard all 650 people in the theatre give a loud *gasp*. I turned, threw both my hands in the air, and said as loudly as I possibly could, "And I DANCE, too!!!". I calmly accepted my award, walked off stage....and collapsed where no one could see me into a puddle of pain and bruising. My theory was, if I was going to screw up that badly, as least make everyone laugh.

    Dramateekat

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  46. I never fall down stairs. I always fall going up them. It's a talent I tell you.

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  47. I was having a rough day last week-tired, work, school-& I come home & my hubby has dumped all the clean laundry in the dryer onto the floor so he could wash & dry his socks. Only problem? No laundry detergent. He used Dawn to wash them.

    I almost lost my Schmidt. I just walked into the bedroom & shut the door & decompressed for 15 min. The next day my daughter was all "mom why were u so grumpy last night?" To which I answered "cause your dad was driving me nuts" lol!!

    And McDonalds coke is my one true addiction. I have at least one per week. Hey, it's better than p0rn, right??

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  48. Also I don't know ab the candy game but Twitter is ruining my life :p

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  49. this is why I love coming to this site. You guys make me laugh sooo hard and at the same time feel better about not being the perfect version of myself that I have in my head.

    my embarrassing confession of the day...my underpants radius is increasing. Or if you don't watch HIMYM the number of places where I feel it is acceptable to wear clothing that should ONLY ever be viewed by me (and possibly my husband if I hate him) have recently increased. It's sad

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  50. 1. McD's all I can eat without getting sick there is the chicken nuggets so once in a while I'll go get a shiz ton of bbq sauce and a 20 (or 40) pack of nuggets and have some stuff my face me time.

    2. I'm used to working at grocery stores anad if I know the place well enough I still have a tendency to walk up to random people and ask if I can help them. Now that sucks because they look at me weird and ask if I work there and then have to explain it all >..<

    3. I am EXTREMELY awkward with new people and it goes one of two ways. Way A is the "I'm shy hello get me the fack away from here now " or Way B the "Hi i am weird nad awesome but here goes, my name is whats yours, what do you like etc."

    4. I yell in my head alot. So much in fact that my inner brain wears earmuffs and lives in a room covered from floor to ceiling in egg cartons to muffle the yelling outside of its doors.

    5. At this point and time I know I need to ease up on the yelling. I am trying! There are times,events, days when I cannot do it anymore and the steam blows hot from my ears and I just let it allllllll out on one poor unsuspecting soul that is usually my romate or my boyfriend and unfortunately (BAD MAMA ALERT) my nearly 3 yr old son.

    6. Being out in public and letting loose a ball of stinky gas from my butt that could kill a herd of ...well anything and blaming it on above mentioned 3 yr old son.

    7. Calling my roommate by my boyfriends name. (Mind you roommate is my sons father and we are no longer together)

    8. Just my in general forgetfulness with names,times, places, things and occasionally people.

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  51. My daughter's first two-word sentence was "Eat Donalds." Thank you very much.

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  52. Sorry for the length:
    1. Jack-in-the-Box. I can sometimes make myself stop if I repeat “$4.50 every work morning comes to $22.50 a week and that could be better spent on 2 boxes of wine.” I don’t always talk myself out of it, but I try.
    2. If I’m in a store and they have a product I love, I will actually go into sales person mode and sell it. While holding a small child. If they are out of the item on the shelf, I will WALK the person to the endcap display. This is actually comical since I was such a miserable failure at retail sales that I had to get an office job.
    3. Ditto with 3 and 4, but my kids are getting to the age where I can say, “Sorry, guys, I’m feeling impatient and I need you to stop doing XY&Z,” and they are pretty cool. So not faking it, but taking lots of deep breaths. I adore my kids, and they don’t need memories of me as a flying douchenozzle.
    4. Hymns, country music, Nickelback, Shinedown, Evanescense. I’m a basket case. More times than not, if I’m belting out a song and falter in the middle, Oldest will say, “Mom, are you CRYING?!” Gaack, what the hell? I think this started post kids because I don’t remember it being this bad before.
    5. Ah, Meyers Briggs, we meet again. I’m an introverted-extrovert Leader. Okie, dokie, you’re the one running the test. But yes, I’m shy in social situations, but can sell stuff to total strangers without blinking an eye. And they buy it. Maybe MB has something there. (Oldest will roll her eyes, look at Youngest and say “mom’s talking to someone again. Will we ever get out of here?”)
    6. Movies – I like to think of it as well rounded. "Moulin Rouge" and "Bruce Campbell versus the Army of Darkness." Toss in some "300" and "Highlander" (“Heaaaather,”brings me to tears every time) and it’s a party.
    7. We moved to a new state, so “friends” (people I talk to ALL THE TIME not living in my house) would be my Dad. And I’m good with that.
    Hang in there girls. At least we know we aren’t alone!

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  53. Every time I read this blog it is always just in time. I have been doing the single Mom thing for a couple of years now. I share custody with my former husband so I'm not a full time single Mom (I have no idea how the full time single Moms do it...I bow before you). Recently, I found out that my 4 year old daughter can read... When the heck did that happen and how did I miss it? I have been caught up in this whole pity party for myself the last several months I completely missed a HUGE milestone in my daughter's life. What kind of crappy mother am I? I yell at my kids because I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I secretly cheer when it's time for them to go to their Dad's house. Then I curl up in a ball and cry that they are gone. I had a mini meltdown over the holidays when my daughter started calling my former husband's girlfriend Stepmom. I wanted to rip her eyes out. The thing is I genuinely like her and could not ask for a better person to be around my kids. However, now my kids have a basis of comparison and I don't feel I can live up. I feed my kids McDonald's because after working 8 hours and commuting 2 hours I'm exhausted and just can bring myself to make dinner. I turn the TV on at night in my bedroom curl up with my kids and fall asleep until it's time for them to go to bed. With all that, it is nice to know that I am not the only mother in the world who beats themselves up and never feels like they are doing it right. Thanks, Lydia. You are a great and wonderful person.

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  54. Bless you, dear Lydia! I believe we may have been dropped from the same mothership.
    1. I too can't listen to any church music without becoming a blubbering pile. The good news is that I have sisters, and they turn into the same mess I do.
    2. For whatever reason, I always have to go to the bathroom in Target. Every. Single. Time. And it's usually of the "abandon the cart all the way in the bulk items section and scamper as it being chased by a pack of rabid hyenas" variety.
    3. My favorite movie is Silence of the Lambs and my brothers and I have quoted, "put the #%&@ing lotion in the basket" so often that the movie has now become a comedy to me.
    4. I was once chastised during a bikini wax for sweating too much.

    Hope that makes you feel better.

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  56. Don't feel bad about falling up a flight of stairs. Jennifer Lawrence just did it at the OSCARS when she won for best actress. If it happens to her, we're all doomed.

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  57. Wait - are you me?

    Your #4 hit waaaay too close to home. I rarely ever lose my temper with my kids anymore, but inside I'm throwing a total tantrum. I'm hopeful that when they're grown they will remember me being a kinder, more loving that I think I am. (Does that even make sense?)

    Thank you for sharing this - it helps all of us to know we're not alone.

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  58. OMG!! You are so in my head that I ought to sue you for ripping off my intellectual properties. With the exception of the movie choices (and I have my own embarrassing admissions), these were spot on for me. Perhaps that is why I laugh until I cry, or pee, while reading your blog.

    I'm a school physical therapist, teaching children to walk up and down the stairs and I totally wiped out last week. Good thing no one saw...could have meant my job!

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  59. I am also a yeller and a heinous she-monster to my husband, and he is wonderful. I haven't done a dish or washed a bottle since I went back to work from maternity leave. Doesn't stop me from yelling a lot in my post partum rage haze. I'm working on that.

    I'm also embarrassed to admit that I am TERRIFIED of getting pregnant again. My husband came to me at 8 weeks post partum and said "we need to talk about something". I completely lost my mind and screamed "oh crap, am I pregnant?!" Then he got all crazy thinking I said "oh crap, I am pregnant", and it took us a full minute to come to our senses and realize we hadn't had sex since I gave birth. I feel bad for my child that both his parents have lost it.

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  60. Lydia, I fall up the stairs all the freaking time and have for years. You are not alone.

    Speaking of embarrassing, we had dinner at Five Guys tonight and I totally thought of you :)

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  61. I too have fallen up stairs. I walked around the office for half the day with a cheerio stuck to my butt, and also locked myself IN the car fir a little while thanks to those nifty child safety locks. This was all just last week... Hang in there.

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  62. I am addicted to starbucks and sneak my quad venti iced vanilla latte with added caramel pumps ($5-.20) from my husband who thinks that i shouldn't spend that much on a drink.
    Also I take a nap most days

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  63. comicitis - the belief that I am funny. My humor is often lost on others.

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  64. #3 and #4. I own that. Sometimes I feel like we were separated at birth when I read these kinds of posts. My CB handle when I was a kid (yeah, my dad had a CB) was Chatty Cathy. And that has not changed much in the last < mumble, mumble> years. Also, I am not allowed to carry heavy things up and down the stairs because I have fallen so much.
    Whew! It felt good to get that out!

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  65. Oh my goodness, thank you for this, it's not just me!

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  66. I do OK in the morning witching hour, but am twice as evil (I think) in the evening one. I just watched Bridges of Madison County recently and Meryl Streep's character talks about a mother's "life of details". I think my energy runs out before my focus on the "details" (homework, dinner, bills, who needs a bath, how the hell did the gerbil get out) is done for the day. I just get so tired. And 24 seconds after they're in bed I miss them. And I feel like I suck, and feel guilty for yelling, and then get up the next day and say it won't go that way again today, and by 7PM, bam, Linda Blair Excorcist style again.Kind of helps to know I am not alone. BTW, anyone seen our bleeping gerbil?

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  67. I went to the mall today to walk for "exercise." I stopped at Mrs. Fields on the way out AND made cookies tonight because my sweet tooth still wasn't satisfied (In my defense...I AM PMSing.)

    And I am going to wear red shirts to Target from now on and send people to the wrong aisle on purpose. I guess I need to add "secretly evil" to my list...

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  68. I fall up the stairs ALL. THE. TIME. And so do my 3 girls. Makes me so proud.

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  69. Laughed so hard about item 2. You are hilarious!

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  70. They have guest wifi at Target? You just changed my life. Seriously!

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  71. My list:
    - I know my kid is lying to me about brushing their teeth but we have been getting ready for sooooooooo long that I just don't care at that moment. let us just go my little sloth.
    - It was a really really long day. work was crazy and my mini me was crazy...jumping on furniture, teasing the dog and making the dog insane, toys and snacks everywhere, messes from the husband...because they both need picking up after...anyways ny confession ...I lied...I changed the clock an hour so that mini me would go to bed an hour earlier. Do you know what I did during that time....played farmville.

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