Thursday, April 25, 2013

A Letter to My Boobs

Today's post comes to you from our pal Dani at Martinis and Minivans. It's certainly a topic I can relate to. Although our dearly departed Kate put it best when she said: "My boobs used to be SHOCK AND AWE! Now they're like shock! And awwww....."
I was recently trying on the ever-popular Maxi dress at a department store last week.  While in the dressing room, I realized that the same problem kept occurring with each dress I put on.  My breasts popped out of them.  

I realize that there are women that might be looking for that type of dress and embrace the size C/D cups I have been given in life, but I am not one of them.  Too many conversations with men not looking into my eyes have made me long for constant cover-ups.  However, I don’t want to have to wear a cami with every dress I purchase.  With that in mind, I have written a request letter to my breasts.

Dear Breasts,

I know that you are probably feeling a bit depressed these days.  We have been together for decades and early on, you felt happy and perky every day.  You would stay upright when gravity was pushing you down.  And you would easily let me wear spaghetti straps without them digging into my shoulders.  

However, I feel as if I betrayed you when my children were born.  I asked you to fill with milk and then to harden and that must have made you sad because you started to droop and hang down lower each day.  

Now, you seem to be in the anger stage in our relationship.  You won’t let me wear button down shirts now because there is too much of a gap between buttons.   And those spaghetti straps that I used to love now cause horrible indentations in my skin that actually give me shoulder fat marks.  

But it isn’t all bad.  You do provide am ample shelf for me to put my drink on while sitting on the couch, and my children seem to enjoy the two built in pillows available to them at any moment, though my daughter did recently question why they fall to the side when I lie down. Oh, how I wonder that same thing… 

However, I am begging you – please cheer up.  Think about our good old days together and how happy you were to fit into a bra without grandma-wide straps.  I know you can be those breasts again.  I believe in you.

Your hopeful body

Danielle Herzog is a native New Yorker who is now living the Midwest life as a somewhat sarcastic woman on the never-ending quest to be hip. She’s a writer, mother, wife, and a member of one ridiculously large Italian family, the kind where cousins are named after Godfather characters. She’s the blogger behind Martinis and Minivans, a blog for anyone who has ever needed a martini after driving a minivan around all day. Or for anyone who has just ever needed a martini. Danielle has been freelance writing for over seven years and written everything from personal stories to restaurant reviews, and now writes mostly about parenting. She’s a blogger for The Huffington Post and Omaha World Herald’s parenting site, Momaha.  Her blogs have been featured on What to and recently on the front page of In her free time she likes to…well…when she gets some free time, she’ll get back to you on that one. 
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(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013


  1. I know this pain all too well! I am of slim build with D cup breasts. Every t- shirt I wear will either cover boobs or belly, not both. I can't wear a one piece bathing suit, and I can only buy dresses made out of very stretchy material. On the plus side, like your kids, my husband and baby love my built in pillows, and I have a figure some women pay thousands for. And when I do find that very stretchy maxi dress, I look fantastic. Don't be self conscious of the stares. Your husband needs to be reminded that if he doesn't act right, you have plenty of options :-)

  2. I am a clothing designer with 4 kids and only recently figured out why I never wear my own label! Because I am a slim build with G's. So for the past few months I have been reengineering the line to accommodate the girls with all the requirements We large chested women have. So that I can have fashion forward tops and dresses that don't look like gunny sacks. The line Is called LuxaRose Apparel on Facebook .

  3. I wish big breasted women understood that it's also hard have NO boobs. Like, I dunno, looking like a 12 year old in your swimsuit because you can't fill the top out AT ALL. Not being able to fill ANYTHING out. lol. It's just as frustrating! I want to look like a woman...not a 12 year old. I want to fill out bras/shirts/dresses/swimsuits etc.
    I mean...I can now because I got them fixed...but previously? It's depressing not having any boobs at all.

  4. Mine are average-size, but thank God for good bras!! I breast-fed 2 kids and without a good bra it would be a sorry sight. Lifts me up a good 5 inches and makes it appear as though they're all perky :-)

  5. I feel your pain. My size Fs are in their anger stage, too.

  6. I wish my girls would perk up too. I'm pretty sure they're quite sad because I swear they droop a little more each day.

  7. hahaha i wish i could say the same, mine dont even fill my bra!

  8. I used to know this pain very well, being a slim build with even bigger breasts, but I had them reduced surgically years ago. Definitely the best decision I could have made, my quality of life has greatly improved. Aesthetics aside, I've now got no back pain and exercising is much easier. Would definitely recommend the surgery, much better than getting back surgery later on in life.

    1. I had a reduction last summer - from a 32DDD pre-pregnancy to a 34K while breastfeeding to a 34D post-surgically. I love it - the headaches are gone, the back and neck aches are gone. It's wonderful! As a bonus, I can now wear real clothes, and I can buy a bra in the mall (on sale! for $15!) as opposed to a specialty website (on sale! for $65!). I agree, it's a much better quality of life.

  9. try being 75cm around and a G cup.... I was a DD+ at 14... and they just seem to keep growing, even now almost 30 years later. I've never worn spagettistraps, or strapless or barebacked dresses. I've always got shoulder and back pain. I will never understand why some girls wish for big breast... If I had a magic wand I would take half off of each (but I'm not ready to choose to get it done with a knife, though)

  10. Agree with previous poster that those of us without boobs really don't have it easier. I'm not kidding when I say that I no longer full out my A cup bras. Clothes don't fit me right either because there's nothing to fill out the shirt or dress. Do they make push-up training bras?? I'd be all over that!

  11. Oh so funny!!! So excited to see you HERE!! Yes- I believe we moms ALL have a letter written to our boobs that shares the exact same sentiments. Sigh...

  12. Oh boobs remind me every day that they are mad at me. If only I could find an industrial strength bra that would force them into submission.

  13. You say you betrayed your boobs, but mine betrayed me! All my life I've been an A/B cup (depending on the label). Bathing suits, sweaters and t-shirts looked terrible on me unless I wore a padded bra. But when I got pregnant and was nursing, I grew to a C/D cup! It was wonderful! I felt feminine, sexy and desirable. Then I weaned my daughter, and my boobs shrunk back to their original size.
    My boobs gave me false hope. So now I'm back to wearing false boobs.

  14. haha...I loved reading this letter. Never ever imagined writing one to them :)


  15. You are on a roll with your posts, lady! I loved this one too, although I must say you didn't address the nipples at all. I hope they don't feel neglected. You kind of just lumped them in with the breast.

    Get it? Lump? Breast? Okay, that was a horrible joke and in poor taste. It's sour. Like sour milk.

    Oh God. Someone make me stop with these horrible jokes. for the boobs and wearing clothes, allow me to give you an amazing tip: Bella Bands. Yes, Bella what you buy when you're pregnant to go under your shirts.

    I have 2 sets of these in black and white and I wear them all the time. with the button down shirts, I just wear a bella band (or a generic version from Target). It lets me open up a button without looking like I'm working for tips.

    I also wear them with maxi dresses so I'm not so booby. (I've got some big boobs and would LOVE to only be a C or D.)

    They're great because they don't fall down, but they aren't a full top so you're not worried about them riding up all day.

    It's the perfect solution. You're welcome.

    I'm really sorry I wrote a novel here. ;-)


    My blog about removing breast implants - love your bodies and deflated boobs :)

  17. I love the comments about we A-cups...I can't wear dresses because if I can fit in the bottom, the top looks like an empty Bjorn carrier. Our culture definitely has a way of making A-cups feel like less of a woman, less sexy, being teased in middle school (no matter the size, I think we all got our boobs teased) and not even worth making cute bras for. But I can say that they held up very well to five years of breastfeeding and still look just as perky as ever and since they did such a good job at making fat babies, I've decided to forgive them for still looking underage. So that's the view from the other side. Thanks for sharing the funny from your side of the cup-spectrum!




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