Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Horrifying Conversation with Mini #2: The Baby Duck

Mini says things that are horrifying. She always has. She is one part sweet, adorable cupcake and one part iron-willed anarchist. Now that she is approaching the age where she is required to be civilized, I am attempting to crack down on her more and more. It's not working.

Last Sunday, she was in full spirits.  She did not care what anyone said. She wanted to frolic. It was warm and sunny! Finally!

She wanted to frolic through the Home Depot parking lot. So she unbuckled herself and attempted to throw open the van door while the vehicle was still moving. She really wanted to frolic at the playground adjacent to her brother's Little League field. Is it safe for small children to play there? Out of the vision and the ear shot of their parents? It is not. That was not important to Mini.

She wanted to pull the red wagon to the top of our street and then get in it and race it down the hill like it was Nascar, while standing up and screaming. I said no. She tried it anyway. She wanted to climb onto the window sill in the dining room so she could get a better look at the birds, notwithstanding the fact that she can't get down by herself and she could slip and pop a small extremity through a pane of glass.

She was not fond of my attempts to contain her. Not even a little bit. We had a long talk about the importance of listening and making safe choices.  Those words made her mad. I didn't realize just how mad until dinner that evening.

The family was chatting at the table and Mini kept trying interrupt us to tell us a joke. It was a horrifying joke.

Family: Blah blah blah. Chat chat chat.
Mini: STOP. Hear this. I has something to say.
Me: What is it?
Mini: It's a joke.
Me: Great, sweetie!
Mini: OK... Why did the baby duck cwoss the road?
Cap'n Coupon: I don't know. Was there a cupcake over there?
Mini: No. Dere was no cupcake.

Family collectively smiles at how cute this is.

Mini: Da baby duck cwossed the road because his family told him to.

Smiles expectantly.

Mini: They said "Cwoss the road, little duck. There are no cars."

Pauses to gauge our reaction. None of us knew where this is going.

Mini: But there WERE cars. And they hit him. And now he's dead.

She turned slowly to face me, then stared directly into my eyes. Her meaning was clear as day: And THAT is why you should never listen to your family.

Me: Sweet Lord...
Hawk: That was dark, Mini. That was really dark.
Cap'n Coupon: Wow.
Mini: Yah. I know. [shrugs] You needed to hear dat joke.

And then I realized for the hundredth time that I was totally out matched. Because I did not need to hear that joke. And the next day when I told her preschool teacher what happened, the woman honestly did not believe me. She was like: "Nooo... You're kidding! She is such a sweetheart for me."

And I was horrified all over again. The End.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013


  1. Hi, this is my first visit here! Reading this was both funny and shocking! But you know, kids are so damn strange at times :) Reminded me of the time when I told my niece not to sneeze near the baby because he might get sick, and she said: "Yeah, they get sick, and then they may die". God help us!

  2. She sounds like such a character! :)

  3. BWAH HA HA HA!! I absolutely ADORE the way you write how she is PERFECT! And I am telling you, not for the first time, she and Abby would be total besties! ;)-Ashley

  4. I have one just like this, I feel your doesn't get any better, sadly (and hilariously)

  5. Oh My Lands!!!!! She's terrifying hilarious.

  6. oh myyyyyy.. that would have been priceless to see/hear first hand! I think you really need to get her this 'alphabet' book for her next birthday... ;o)
    Totally kidding... kind of. Um, yah, I own it though!
    needle and nest design

  7. When our daughter was 4, we found her Beta fish, "Wishy", floating at the top of the bowl. I tried to gently explain death in 4 year old terms, trying to not scare her etc. She looks at me and says "Wishy is dead? That's OK. We'll just get a new one tomorrow." That empathy for you!

  8. She sounds just like my daughter. So smart and strong willed...yet says things that makes me wonder how I'm going to survive her. We had a foster dog at our home...She picks up his tail and looks underneath and says..."If he eats me, I will come out his butthole". So I am now preparing myself for many phone calls home from school....

  9. I totally wanted to stalk you when I moved back to the NoVA area this summer and make you be my friend, but now I don't think I want mini giving my own devil cupcakes any ideas ....

  10. OH my, LOL! That's awesome!

    I have one of those adventurous souls. We call her A2 (as we have an A1 as well - two girls, names start with A, share a birth day [but not year]). When A1 is laughing at tv shows/live events where people do silly things or death defying acts...A2 gets ideas.

  11. My youngest could be her twin. Yesterday, she took off form her Sparks group (where *I* am one of the leaders!!!) to the park. I didn't even notice she was gone till one of my other leaders pointed it out! I am at my wits end, I just don't know what to do with that child...

  12. She and my middling must never meet. Be-tuzz den they might take over.

  13. I have one of those too! Mini is super bright, wow to make up that joke that is a metaphor for her feelings. Complicated stuff! My daughter (now aged 7) always says super inappropriate things such as the time she told my well-endowed friend "Your boobs are big and fat" or when she told my mom "your face is all wrinkly and old". I have found that the more I try to crackdown, the worse things get. I just have gotten used to be the parent looked at for having "that kid". She is incredibly smart though and also totally hilarious, so I know she will do great things someday!

  14. My three year old son was playing last night. He was playing snake. Then he came over and said the snake wanted me to eat the apple. he said it again and again and that the apple was good. I was ready to take the baby and hide.

  15. This made me LOL as well as just plain grin from ear to ear. This is because I have one of those little ones at my house, the kind that knows no fear and listens to no one. Not to mention she's obsessed with things and people dying at the moment, so she could have totally told that joke. Oh my the world has some pint sized future dictators to be fearing here coming up very soon, hmmm?

  16. Hilarious! My 4-year-old son has equally horrifying conversations with me, as well. He doesn't appreciate my efforts to contain his iron-willed anarchist side, either. I'm realizing that he is going to start full-day pre-K in a few months & I hope to God that his shy side holds up. He is very shy in front of people he doesn't know well, & very outspoken (& usually inappropriate) in front of people he's comfortable with. I'm right there with you on your journey to make our 4 y/o's civilized little human beings, let me know how it goes for you. Cuz I'm thinking our little cupcakes baked by the devil have some interesting calls from teachers in store for us, most definitely! Love your blog, it's hilarious. Best way to start my day, every day! Keep up the awesome sauce :)

  17. ohhh man. buckle up.

  18. I read this and pictured her swiveling her head to stare at you after the punch line like you'd expect a doll's head to swivel - slow, methodical, creepy, poignant. Oh dear, you've certainly got your hands full!

  19. I'm guessing a rewards jar will not work for her. I thought I was out matched, you just made me feel a whole lot better!

  20. I'd give up now and invest in body armour.

  21. Oh dear, I hope this is not a looking glass into my future. My youngest is definitely displaying some Mini-esque traits!

  22. Ok, that and the nuts story are clearly the best. I cannot stop laughing when I read them!! Holy moly, she sounds like an adorable terror, kinda like my son.

  23. OMG. "STOP. Hear this." I LOVE it! Definitely one of my favorite posts! :D

  24. I will proudly grovel at her feet when she takes over the world!

  25. Until I started reading your Mini stories, I felt alone. My daughter and Mini have A LOT in common. Either they really should meet, or must never, ever meet. I'm not sure which. But please don't stop writing about her, it's very comforting to some of us out here.

  26. Oh my... My 3.5yo son is the male version of Mini, so I love reading about her. His favorite joke? "Why did the chicken cross the road?" (Huge, expectant smile.) "Because he got hit by a car!" (Cackling laughter.) He tells this joke All The Time.

  27. my husband is a modern day young father. 21 is when we had our first. He uses gamer slang. One term we use, is beating. He's been wrestling with kain since kain was born, and kain LOVES IT! him and daddy always wrestling... I had a day recently where I decided we needed to become better parents. Kain was throwing a tantrum like most two year olds, and I go "if you don't stop I wont allow daddy to beat you anymore...." He stopped throwing his tanturm, just dead stopped. I think realized we are terrible parents, and I need a drink. Only reason I'm telling you this, I think our kids are soul mates.




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