Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Perfect Gift

My husband recently celebrated his birthday. Cap'n Coupon turned 43 last week and the kids and I got him a bunch of silly little presents. His birthday fell over Spring Break, which is both wonderful and kind of a shame. Because Spring Break does this thing to my family whereby the Cap'n and I start to be driven slightly insane by our kids. And them by us. And each other. 

So on a few occasions, I had to correct their behavior because they were being evil and monsterish to each other. But "good" moms aren't supposed to say that. Good moms also aren't suppose to say "Quit it. You're being a dick." So instead I took a deep breath and said the opposite of that. Something like "You are not respecting your sister. Please apologize and make better choices." 

I can usually remember to do that. At least I could at the beginning of the week. But that was before my reservoir of patience had been drained completely dry. By day 8 of Spring Break, I was just trying not to scream obscenities. Instead I found myself saying the most bizarre things that expressed my discontent but were not actually curse words. Things like: "FOR THE LOVE OF PETER, PAUL & MARY - FLUSH THE DANG POTTY!!" Also "You are behaving like a dingleberry and I will not have it." I even caught the Cap'n saying things like: "I swear I'm going to send you both to THE POTTY FARM. Forever.

So that was the reason I accidentally called my son a Hershey Squirt. It seemed a lot better than the phrase I wanted to use. Hawk was all like "Wait. What's a Hershey Squirt?" So I told him and instead of being offended, he and his sisters thought that it was the best thing they'd ever heard in their entire lives. They maybe worked it into their conversations about a million times over the next few days. Except my oldest gets her words mixed up sometimes and by day 2, her mispronunciations were getting ridiculous.

Anyway, the night before the Cap's birthday, I took the big kids to Target to pick a few last minute things. The kids insisted on bringing their own money to buy some gifts for their dad, which I thought was very sweet. They bought him: Irish Breakfast tea (Target doesn't carry Punjana), his favorite salted almonds, and a large pack of adult diapers. Yes they did. With their own money.

Ever since they were little, the idea of buying their dad adult diapers as a gift has struck them as perhaps the funniest thing in the entire world. I have no idea why. He has no need for them. If he did, it would not be funny. But they have been fixated on this idea for years and the diapers were on sale, so they went for it.

When we walked back into the house from our shopping excursion, the Cap's coyly asked them "Hey kids! What did you get at the store? Something for me?" Hawk raised one eyebrow and said: "Maybe. We went to the dirty hippy store and we got you some used underpants." 

At which point my oldest pips in "Yup. And they've got herpes squirts in them, so... You're welcome."

I looked at my husband and tried to stifle the laughter that was threatening to explode from my face. His expression was horrified and deeply confused. He slowly shook his head and murmured softly: "I don't want those underpants." He said it again once or twice and just went upstairs. The kids laughed and laughed (oblivious as to why it was so funny) as they went to go gift wrap the adult diapers. 

The next day, Cap'n Coupon received his presents and he loved them all. Then they gave him his "special" gift. It was perfect for so many reasons. First, the adult diapers were a mens size small. My husband is 6'3". There was also $1 off coupon on the package that we could've used and didn't. And NOTHING makes Cap'n Coupon more irritated than having a coupon and not using it. He was like: "Did you guys do that on purpose? Because that's actually worse than buying me diapers." 

All in all, it really was the perfect gift. Even better than last Father's Day, and that's saying something. 

PS: Today, we're guest posting over at our friend Mommy Shorts. It's the Preschooler First World Problems post - you know you want to check it out.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013


  1. That's why dear old dad gets boxers every holiday and my husband gets Reeces and as ZZ Top puts it- blown away. That's about all they accept and actually use or like. Well they use and like money and gift cards too but who doesn't? I made my husband bacon roses for Valentine's day one year and he didn't even eat them. >:6

  2. Good gravy, I needed that laugh this morning. It was all hilarious, but his irritation at you not using the coupon put me over the edge. Thanks for the laugh.

  3. I love this: "He was like: "Did you guys do that on purpose? Because that's actually worse than buying me diapers."

    Thanks for letting me laugh out loud this morning! I have learned I cannot read this at work. Because inevitably, someone will come into my office when I am trying to stifle a laugh. You know the look - red face and watery eyes. Luckily, I have the office all to myself today.

  4. OMG, that was probably 1 of the funniest things I've read in a LONG time. Thank you!

  5. Dirty hippy store? Herpes squirts? Awesome. I would die laughing if my kids said these things.

  6. I am in tears from this post! My six year old has turned into a parrot with slightly off pronunciations also, and my husband works in the oil field, so when he comes home, after not seeing them for 3 weeks, he gets to hear all of the colorful language she learned over the week and blames me for all of it!

  7. That is awesome. I always buy my husband things like this for his birthday and then wrap them with Justin Beiber wrapping paper. It's the little things....

  8. My stomach hurts from laughing so hard! I love your kids! :D
    PS - my captcha word is Filial! Perfect!

  9. On day 6 of spring break and my son was pouting. What I MEANT to say was either "Don't you give me that pouty face!" or "Don't you give me that sour puss!" What I actually said was "Don't you give me that pussy face!" My son is four. My darling, mature and wonderful husband immediately died and collapsed to the floor. Five days later he's still sneaking up behind me and whispering "pussy face" in my ear. I am waiting for a call from my son's religious preschool requesting a meeting because my son called someone a pussy face. Who has two thumbs and is mother of the year.
    Sandee Harned

  10. Spring break was last month (we survived - barely!), but we are on day three of "enforced family togetherness" thanks to a awful stomach bug and I really needed this laugh today. It's my husband's birthday next week and I am soooooo tempted to buy him some adult diapers now. :D

  11. oh dear Maude I am weeping with laughter.

  12. My mom and aunts all have this out of control, crazy, loud laugh. Once one starts, none of them can stop until the room is full of tears and someone has peed their pants. I've always been afraid I'd start laughing like them. You did it. I got to "I don't want those underpants." and I just started cracking up in that same uncontrollable laugh (but without the bladder problem). I want to be so mad at you...but I just keep giggling.

  13. Hi. Lar. Ious. You guys make me laugh.

  14. I was literally crying at the end of this from laughing so hard. Thank you.

  15. What else can a father do sometimes but shake our heads and mutter a we walk away.




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