Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Why My Husband Won't Take Our Kids into Public Bathrooms

------- Warning! Today's story story is gross. Really gross. --------

A couple of years ago, I told you guys the story of when I threw up in a Five Guys bathroom while pregnant and in the presence of my two little kids. There's a part of the story I left out, though. The part where the entire thing is clearly my husband's fault. (If you haven't read the Five Guys story, it's right here.)

You see, it is OBVIOUS that if my husband had not refused to take our son into the men's room with him, like a coward who is afraid of a little wiping, then I never would have projectile vomited all over a restaurant bathroom like a possessed person from a 70's horror movie.

But my husband, the handsome and stalwart Cap'n Coupon, claims that he has a perfectly good reason for still, to this day, refusing to take our kids into public restrooms. For that matter, he won't even walk them to the door and then wait outside until they're finished. He claims he was permanently scarred by an experience that occurred a few weeks before the Five Guys incident. I think his story is a convenient excuse to get out of a parenting duty he finds tedious and gross. You be the judge, my friends.


He insists at this point that I be fair and accurate and mention that during this timeframe, he willingly volunteered to wipe, diaper change, etc., provided it was at the homeplace. I agree that he did this. I also think it's important to note that he worked 60 hours a week and I was a stay at home mom, and we know what that means. Just saying...so we can be fair and accurate.

Here's his story:

It's 2008 and I was pregnant with Mini. Our little boy Hawk was a few weeks shy of his 3rd birthday and we were fully immersed in unsuccessfully potty training him. Our daughter Thumbelina was almost 5 and had requested that we all go out to lunch on a Saturday. A few minutes after arriving, the boy informed us that he had to pee.

The Cap'n and I immediately made eye contact across the table. We started glaring at each other. Silently, we engaged in the ancient art of silent marital warfare whereby no words were spoken. There ensued a Rock/Paper/Scissors battle back and forth like a tennis match to see who would win and who would take the kid to the potty. The entire battle took ten seconds and took place only with our eyes and facial expressions. We may have possibly both looked deranged to someone observing us.

I managed to convey to him (with my eyes only), that if he didn't take his son to the restroom that I would make him change the kid's pull-up for the next two days. If you have an enormous 3 year old who is still in pull-ups, that threat is not made lightly. Those things can be horrific. Truly, after a big meal that kid's pull up was the stuff of nightmares. My husband's eyes told me my message had been received. He nodded curtly, stood up, and asked Hawk to come along.

Here's where the story moves into bizarro slow motion. The whole incident only took three minutes, and yet my husband needs about twenty to describe the horror of what happened next.

They walked into the bathroom and the Cap'n began the process of selecting the cleanest stall/urinal for the boy to pee in. He glanced at all the choices, chose one and turned around. Hawk was bent over the first urinal, gently cupping the urinal cake in his pudgy hands. He was carefully lifting it towards his face. He may have been trying to smell it, or eat it. We can't know. He looked up at his dad and said: "Oh wow! Daddy, look isn't dis GWEAT and SHINY?"

This was the exact moment that Cap'n Coupon nearly lost his schmidt and said: "DROP THE URINAL CAKE RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!"

The boy dropped it in surprise and it made a soft plop!splish! as it hit the bottom of the urinal. Some of it may have splashed onto the boy, as he was still kneeling on the floor. In shorts. Right in front of the urinal.

"GAHHH! WASH YOUR HANDS! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!"

The boy just stared at his father in shock, blinking. Quickly, the Cap'n took him by the little shoulders and led him over to the sink. He turned on the water and tried to find the soap dispenser.

"Daddy. Can't weach. Can't weach da wooder."

The Cap'n picked up the boy and did the thing where you gently wedge them on the sink so they can reach the water. The boy wiggled one hand under the faucet, then proudly pronounced: "Cwean hands!"

Cap'n Coupon squished a blob of soap onto the boy's hand while saying: "No, no buddy. We wash our hands with soap." The blob of soap hit the boy's hand. The boy moved his hand and the soap made a soft plop!splish! as it slid right off and hit the bottom of the sink. The boy looked up and said "More soap, pwease!"

The cap'n tried again. Again the boy moved his hand and the soap slid off. They tried again with the same result. His other hand was waggling around and had still not even been rinsed off. The Cap'n paused and told him: "You have to do this - roll your hands together. Make bubbles with the soap. If you keep moving your one hand, the soap will just fall off. Roll your hands like this or you'll never get the bad germs off them."

He then demonstrated the the classic hand washing technique for the kid (who knew perfectly well how it all worked).

It was at this point that Hawk did what he always does (and still does) when something is on his hands: he shook them really, really hard. Flecks of water and moisture and soap and urinal cake went flying everywhere just as Cap'n Coupon started slow motion screaming: "NOOOOOOOO!!! STOOOPPPP!!!"

A microbial cocktail of bathroom liquid and golden specks of urinal cake found their way into my husband's screaming yaw.  He then proceeded to gag, mouth open, wiping off his tongue on his shirt. He described catching site of himself in the mirror and looking like a cross between a dog who had just eaten peanut butter and a cat who was producing a hairball.

Meanwhile, Hawk proceeded to wash his hands with soap in the appropriate manner. He wiggled himself back down to the floor and stood there looking at his father. It took the Cap'n a moment to collect himself. Even then, he was still twitching with the grossness of what had just happened to him. He looked at his precious, adorable son and said: "Let's get out of here, buddy. OK?"

And his precious, adorable son looked back at him and said: "I still didn't go to da bafwoom."

His father just stood there blinking.

"Daddy. I haffa pee still."

At that point, the Cap'n claims things got a little woozy and the last thing he remembers is watching the boy wander back over to investigate the urinal cake.

After being gone about three minutes total, they returned to the table. Hawk let me know that he still needed to pee and that I had to take him. His father informed me, using only his haunted expression and grey pallor, that something very bad had happened and he didn't want to discuss it.

And there you have Cap'n Coupon's justification for never again taking one of our children to the restroom in public. It's been five years and he hasn't budged. So I guess he wins.

The End.
-----------------------------------------
A Quick PS:
Just read some of the comments. Some of you are giving the old Cap'n the business because he won't take our kids to do their business in public restrooms. A large part of me is giggling because yes, obviously. But another part of me wants to state for the record that in every other respect he is the best dad I know. He also has an awesome sense of humor and is clearly a very cool guy for encouraging me to write this story and share it with you, knowing some of you would give him the business for it. Just needed to say all that, to be fair and accurate.

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

43 comments:

  1. Oh man. I can relate. When dumping the contents of our training potty into the big potty, there has been many-a-splash. Sometimes in the face, usually if the little guy is trying to be helpful and hastily dumps it himself as I dive in and try to grab it for a slow pour. Only I don't get to resign to never do it again. No fair.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. You have no idea the thrill it gives me when I see a comment from you.

      Delete
  3. you had a little boy poop corn on your foot but he gets a free pass? lame. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. My husband knows that he doesn't get a choice. Yes, I will sometimes take my son to the bathroom, but if it's his turn, he's doing it. Being a stay at home mom means I've done WAAAAY more than my fair share of nasty diapers and pull ups at home, so when we're out, he gets to deal with the boy. I use the logic on him that, if he wants our boy to pee standing up, he'd better teach him, as I don't do that. It won him over when he realized our 4 year old have never peed standing up before (he's autistic, so delayed potty training).

    ReplyDelete
  5. My face is purple from trying to stifle my laughter on the train. And then I snorted. loudly.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I remember a kid at church walking out of the men's bathroom chomping on a urinal mint... At the time (I was 16) I thought it was hilarious. Now that I'm a parent... not so much.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Scarred? I was helping our 4 year old son wash his hands in a public restroom and when I turned to do our 2 year old, I found him in almost the exact position described... only difference was the teeth marks in the cake... smh

    ReplyDelete
  8. Gross but def not a good excuse!!! I've 3 boys and the hubby takes them to the bathroom 100% of the time once they turned 3....

    ReplyDelete
  9. traumatic?! whatever... kid's still alive 5 years later. He needs to man up and stop acting like such a baby. WAY worse things have happened to all of us and we didn't stop taking care of our kids. Kids do disgusting things and it helps keep them healthy later on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unfair, she clearly stated he is a good parent in every other aspect. But I do agree that it is far from the most disgusting thing that a kid has ever done. I'm not even a parent and ive had a 2 year old who was covered in poo, projectile vomit all over my brand new $1000 suit.

      Delete
  10. Thanks for making me snort coffee up my nose this morning. Should never read these posts while drinking my morning cup. Oh, the joys of toddlers. And public restrooms.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My husband is actually very good about taking our oldest daughter to the bathroom, but many times he'll immediately come back and tell me that I have to take her because the men's restroom is just too disgusting. And the women's restroom can be equally nasty. That's why I love places with family restrooms. They don't get the same amount of traffic and are usually pretty clean.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Laughed 'til I cried. Thanks for cheering up a not-so-hot morning!

    ReplyDelete
  13. What a wimp. My daughter pooped in the bathtub *while we were BOTH in the tub* and I still take baths.

    Lame.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I think you're being way too nice. His story isn't NEARLY as bad as your 5 guys story. Even if he did earn the right to avoid public restrooms, it should only have been until something worse happened to you. And that story is WAY worse

    ReplyDelete
  15. Omg - I laughed ALMOST as hard as the Five Guys story! I agree with stark.raving.mad.mommy. You both win and a third party should be required to take your kids to the bathroom from now on lol!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm voting "whimp". I was prepared for some serious grossness to justify five years of bathroom duty shirking. Like 'makes-me-want-to-wretch-just-reading-it' gross and that was... 'ew-thats-kinda-yucky' gross. So I definitely side with Mom on this one... especially since there is a male child involved. My husband and I have a very strict understanding about our kids - after a certain age everything that has to do with "lady bits" is my responsibility and everything has to do with "boy parts" are his responsibility.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dad takes the boy to the restroom, Mom takes the girl. That's our strict division of labor when we are all out as a family. Nobody likes public restrooms. The only time I waiver on this is if both kids have to go and we'd rather leave one adult to guard the stuff. And believe me, Hubby tries desperately to convince boy child he has to pee whenever his sister announces she has to go. Nice try, buddy.

    But really, your husband is totally to blame for all of this. As a man, and a Dad, it was/his his responsibility to teach your son about urinals in the first place. If he had warned Hawk on the way NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING the way every mother does upon entry to a public restaurant EVERY TIME there would be far less urinal cake interactions.

    CHM

    ReplyDelete
  18. A good and worthy trauma, but still no excuse. Suck it up, Buttercup, I would tell him.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Rule of thumb, never permit the urinals... use the toilet.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Honestly, I think I would lick a urinal cake if I never had to take a kid into public bathroom again.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You win. He loses. A little urinal cake splatter? pshaw. Mommies have had worse than that just getting the kids INTO this world. Anyway, I agree with the commenter above that it is Cap'n's fault for letting a 3 year-old down in a restroom, not teaching him about urinals, and anything else you want to blame him for! :)

    ReplyDelete
  22. While hilarious, I contend that the Cap'n's story is only about as gross as every bathroom story ever that involves kids. I personally vote that the 5 Guys puke story is WAY worse, in fact, and if you felt compelled, I bet you could tell bathroom story after bathroom story of your own until he's curled up in a corner begging you to please just stop. In fact, I dare you to do it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Rolled on the floor laughing.. Tears in my eyes. Oh my gosh, I can just picture it. Thanks for sharing!

    ReplyDelete
  24. My husband won't take our kids to the bathroom for 1 of 2 reasons (or both, depending on the situation): 1-there is no changing station in ANY men's bathroom (which I know is not true) and 2-men are weird and stare at little boys.

    Right. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  25. My delightfully verbal and observant boy has been making embarrassing comments in public restrooms since before he was 2. One of the more famous ones included loudly saying "Mommy, why does your not-a-penis have fur?" in the echoing stall at the public library. Then there was the time he investigated the trash box in the stall and had a hand in elbow deep while I was frantically trying to discreetly change my pad as quickly as possible while lunging off the toilet to pull him away.
    After that, I informed my husband that as soon as the boy was tall enough to aim in the toilet without assistance, he was in charge of escorting him in all public restrooms when we were out as a family. I solidified my position by telling our son over and over again that big boys get to go in the men's restroom with daddy, and that's the best place for boys. He's got it drilled in his little head now, and will insist that daddy takes him to the men's room. I don't think I can take much more of his loudly voiced curiosity over feminine bathroom issues.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I just peed my pants! I sooooo needed that! Awesome...

    ReplyDelete
  27. another hilarious "birth control" story. :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. This story is awesome! Decidedly not awesome is little kids in public bathrooms. I usually take our kids because my bladder the same size as theirs, so we are often on the same pee schedule. My husband has and will take the kids, and my five year old lobbies to go with Dad because he adores peeing in urinals. He even asked for one for his birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  29. My husband also used to refuse to do this. In fact, he would have nothing at all to do with toileting the boys. Until the day when I got locked out of the house and while at the park with the boys, the three year old announced he needed to pee. Having no other choice, I took him into the bushes. Where I realised that a) the boy did not know anything about peeing in such a manor as to not get it all over him in the woods and b) neither did I. I don't think I have EVER had so much pee, so many places. It was a cold day too. I called up the husband and had hysterics on the phone about how he had completely neglected his manly job. I do NOT generally have hysterics, but it had been a long, cold, pee-coated day.

    ReplyDelete
  30. let's cut to the chase here people....urinal cake in the mouth...hundreds...no THOUSANDS of people's piss...in the mouth. in. the. mouth.

    he wins the "scarred for life" award in my book.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least urine is sterile :) lol

      Delete
    2. It's only sterile while it's in your body. Once it's out of your body? NOT SO MUCH.

      Delete
  31. I think every parent should get to declare an "I don't do ______" task and he chose wisely.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I have two daughters, one just turned 8 and the other is 4. It would be wrong, obviously, for my husband to take the 8 year old to the restroom with him but he will still take the 4 year old to the men's(absence of a family restroom, LOVE those).

    Sometimes if he's out with both the girls the older one will take the younger one and that's been all right.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Gross? yes, but not a good excuse. I have 3 kids under 5 and when I have to tote them all to the bathroom with me, something like this happens almost every time lol.... My husband won't bring the kids to the bathroom either though.

    ReplyDelete
  34. OKay, he is a good Father...but seriously! Get over it! It is 10x's easier to take a boy to the bathroom than a girl. He needs to suck it up and move on.

    Stephanie

    ReplyDelete
  35. We have four boys and one girl so potty time in public is one.of the very few wins I get! I laugh every.damn.time my hubby gets to take the four boys and my daughter and I scoot.off to the ladies room :-) Mind you, when I'm alone, its an ENTIRELY different story. I relate it to being a sheep herding dog trying to herd a pack of wild monkeys in one direction at the same time. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  36. I would lose it big time if my son touched the urinal cake. I'd be imagining some disgusting, dirty, old, herpe covered man peeing on that thing before my precious baby touched it. YUK! There would be soap and purell involved and who knows what else, oh yeah, my screaming at my husband for not watching the boy. And This is exactly why I am never in any hurry to potty train. I have 5 kids and have always kept a potty chair in the back of my SUV for just in case, plus we pee before we leave the house. My husband takes the potty in his little car when he has the younger kids with him too. It makes life SO much easier.
    HC

    ReplyDelete
  37. Ack! I am rather new to your world, and after catching up on reading all your blogs from present day to this one as I was up with my youngest for 2 hours last night, I have to ask, "will you be me neighbor?" This post made my seriously LOL so hard my one year old got scared. You and the Cap'n are an awesome team ♥ LB
    Www.titusbeatsall.com

    ReplyDelete
  38. I've actually seen threads online that say parents should take their children to the restroom of the child. I would never dream of taking my toddler son into the men's room as it would infringe on the privacy of any men using the urinals. And if we had a little girl I'm sure my husband would take her into the men's room so as not to offend any women in the ladies. It's about adults respecting the privacy and space of opposite gender adults.

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts