Friday, May 17, 2013

For the Love of God, Use the Back Door

This post is part of the series introducing you to my co-authors of the best-selling book "I Just Want to Pee Alone".

This post is from my very, very good pals Ashley and Lisa at The Dose of Reality. I pink puffy heart love them. Then they sent me this post and based on the title I was like: "GROSS you guys, I'm all about personal preference but this is a family blog. You like back door action that's your business but seriously..." 
And then I read it and I was like "OOooohhhhh! Sorry! Nevermind." and also I cracked up because my house is way worse. Oh and here's a little more about Lisa & Ashley: 

Lisa and Ashley, a.k.a. The Dose Girls, are currently sitting in their ancient minivans in a carpool line somewhere. They hope you won't judge them, but they stand a better chance of creating world peace than keeping their houses clean and organized. At their blog, The Dose of Reality, they tell it like it it *really* is.
Nothing gives us greater joy than when we read something that we can both relate to on every single level! After reading this post from Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, we found ourselves not only doubled over in laughter but having the following conversation while on the phone in the EXACT.SAME.CARPOOL.LINE. Don’t judge us because we often sit two cars apart talking to each other. We always hang up before the line starts moving because we are nothing if not strict rule followers!
Ashley: Oh my Gosh, that article was so funny. Did I tell you that I almost killed myself in MY shower today because the kids always want to use my bathroom? First, I first impaled my foot on a naked Barbie leg and then practically slipped on a sampling of foam alphabet letters that were greased with Abby’s shampoo. It is hard to shower when you are trying to side step buckets and the entire collection of The Little Mermaid figurines. I know you can relate to that!
Lisa: Ummm, no. You know good and well I cannot relate to that. I know it must be really hard with your pool like jacuzzi bathtub and separate multi-head shower experience because everyone wants to be in your bathroom. NOBODY wants to be in my bathroom, including me. Our “master suite” bathroom is the size and shape of a refrigerator box complete with the ever popular 1970′s shower/tub combo! Thanks 2008 economy for delaying the bathroom remodel of my dreams until….never.
Ashley: Okay, okay, I get it. My bathroom is one of the only decent places in my house, or at least it used to be when my decorative baskets held scented bath gel and candles, NOT Disney Princess bubbles and Little People toys.
Lisa: I dream of having the space for something called decorative baskets. I don’t care what they are filled with. I am lucky to fit a small trash can next to the toilet. But it is a space to call my own, even if it is because it holds only one person at a time.
Ashley: Well, maybe you can cry about it in your giant kitchen with your 27 foot long island with the restaurant grade lighting and double refrigerators. Don’t you even have multiple sinks, too! Oh, and I forgot your built-in desk, too!
Lisa: The little sink is just a prep sink, so that hardly counts! And I would love my island more if it served any other purpose than a backpack receptacle and free form file cabinet for all school forms, papers, and art projects. And you know I can’t actually work at my desk because it looks like the before picture on an episode of Hoarders!
Ashley: Oh yeah, I have all that clutter, too, without all your extra annoying counter space. But I know you secretly covet my 2001 blueberry wallpaper. Honestly, what was I thinking? I don’t even like to eat blueberries much less look at them covering my entire kitchen wall surface. Like with your bathroom, my kitchen upgrade has been pushed back to the year…20never.
Lisa: Mmmmm, blueberries, your kitchen always makes me hungry. Do you have any snacks in your car?
Ashley: I have some day old Goldfish and a petrified french fry or two.
Lisa: I’ll take the Goldfish, but you’ll have to walk them over here, because I am not wearing shoes, and my shirt has a hole in it. 
Ashley: Sorry, no can do. I’m not wearing actual street clothes, and I haven’t had a shower today.
Lisa: Oh well, I’ll just wait until I get home. By the way, did you ever find the dance video form I left at your house last week?
Ashley: Of course not, because it is buried under a pile of bills and school papers on my dining room table. And by dining room table, I mean my desk. 
Lisa: I hear you. My dining room table still has the dregs of our school supplies, and I think maybe a leftover box from the car raffle. This is why neither one of us ever host dinner parties, isn’t it? Well, that and the fact that every other piece of furniture in both of our houses has been chewed, peed on, or otherwise “improved” by our kids.
Ashley: Dinner parties?! We can’t even let people come in our front doors! Both of our dining rooms are the first places you see in our actual entry halls. Everyone thinks we are being nice and casual by having them come in the back door, but really we are just attempting to hide the dining room. Okay, now I am just depressed. Is there hope for us at all? Do you think we will ever have nice things or uncluttered houses again?
Lisa: Well…no. But that’s okay because if we had nice things that were always neat and organized we would have to spend all of our free time making sure they didn’t get ruined. This would really take a chunk out of our time browsing on Facebook finding funny somecards. 
Ashley: Good point. We don’t need the pressure of nice things anyway!
 Point proven! We couldn’t deny you this, could we?

(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013


  1. Too funny. We are having guests this weekend (like, people other than my parents, who are used to my house). I spent all day yesterday just clearing clutter so I could actually clean today. Oh well, if not for visitors the cleaning would never get done - lol.

  2. You gals are allllllright. Hilarious!

  3. I'm still fighting the good fight. We get like that occasionally, but, for the most part, it makes me a basket full of crazy to see too much clutter so I keep running around behind everyone cleaning up. Remarkably, when my husband is out of town, the place is SO. MUCH. CLEANER!!! I'm almost considering having a long distance relationship with him just so my house stays clean!

  4. I made a New Years Resolution to be more clean, and have so far being really good about it. This week, thanks to my daughters newly broken arm (damn you monkey bars!!!), I haven't been able to keep up with my cleaning. So, of course, last night was the night some friends decided to drop by and hang out. While I can do a quick, 5 minute pickup of my living room, the bathroom was bad. I was all ashamed last night, and today I'm even more so. I have to go clean now....

  5. Love. LOVE. LOVE! Y'all get me, thanks!

  6. I have actually had anxiety attacks triggered by the state of my In-Law's home. So I can't say that last graphic is totally a lie. Because I have scrubbed their toilets in a blind panic.

    Honestly though, this had me in stitches.

  7. Are we related? My house looks almost the same with a few exceptions: 1. Master bathroom has become my husbands closet (we no longer shower in there) 2. Dinning room is clutter free because all of that clutter is on the island and the extra counter space 3. There are large bundles of fur resembling the animals from which they came.

    I can't wait to read your blog and your book!!!

  8. HA!! This is one of my faves from the GIRLS and I so feel you- especially with the master bath situation. The kids have their own bathroom upstairs, in fact, there are 3 bathrooms to choose from in this damn house yet, WHERE do all the toys end up?? That's right- in MY inner sanctum! Argh.

  9. Love it, I wish I could send you a picture of my dining room table, but I am technically challenged! If you have some free time, I thought it would be nice to share the following rant with you all...

  10. Love it!:) giggled so much reading this & my house is very similar:)

  11. You are soooo brave to post this! My house looks worse, I'm pretty sure. But it made me feel so good to know that I'm not the only one. My bathroom is sort of like a cereal box, and my dream house has 2 bathrooms. Sigh. Anyway, loved this post!

  12. I have a fix for all your clutter problems. It works for me and can work for you too.....adopt an adult dog that chews anything not made of metal or not a large piece of furniture (thank God). You'll either tackle the clutter problem or you'll find said clutter mixed into the dogs poop in the yard. Your house will never look like those pictures again. And the kids don't want their toys destroyed, so all you need to do is remind them the dog will eat what's lying around, and they will start cleaning up after themselves. Problem solved. Plus you've rescued an adult dog with mental issues...and you can feel good about that too.

  13. Hilarious! Love love it!

  14. You're lucky you have a back door entry option to hide your clutter. Alas, my front door is my only option, so everyone who comes to our house, even the Schwan delivery person, sees my cluttered dining room, which is much worse than yours. Well, my whole house is pretty cluttered, so back door entry probably wouldn't help me much anyway. Oh well.




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