Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Mom Vs. Skinny Jeans: A Dressing Room Battle

This post is part of the series introducing you to my co-authors of the best-selling book "I Just Want to Pee Alone".

Today's post comes to you from the infamous Toulouse. You should know that she is both cool and the gang. We both sometimes get to kick it with the guys on Dadsaster and that's actually a really good indicator of awesomeness. 


Here's a little more about her:

Toulouse is a writer and SAHM of 2 stinky boys who works hard to exercise her family’s sense of humor by writing about them on her blog, Toulouse & Tonic and over-sharing on facebooktwitter and pinterest.  While her methods are unorthodox, she is succeeding at making her kids hate her one post at a time.

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Today, I took my generous apple bottom and bodacious tatas shopping.  Sick of squeezing myself into that one pair of perpetually formula-stained leggings and then desperately digging through laundry baskets to find a clean shirt without a hole, I became determined to buy a couple of cute things that would turn me into a semi-chic mama.
I found some skinny jeans I liked in the first store I entered.  Boo-ya!
I held up my “usual” size 6, willing them to fit, unwilling to admit even to myself that I hadn’t been a size 6 since my first child was a zygote.  I held up the size 8, examining the thigh area with a furrowed brow.  And finally, I frowned at the 10, aghast at how much denim would be required to contain my ass.  

Resigned, I took the jeans to the dressing room, disrobing under the florescent lights.  I stuck one leg in and pulled.  As they approached the lower thigh area, they got stuck and wouldn’t go up any further.  I tugged.  Do your job, lycra!  I wedged more of my thigh into the leg of the pants.  I mean, I literally pushed my thigh a handful at a time into the jeans like I was stuffing a turkey.  I glanced into the mirror.  The jeans looked like a snake that’d swallowed a whole gopher.  And was that muffin thigh?  Oh God.  I had muffin thigh!
I reserved my very best cursing for moments like this and so I let it loose as I wondered why the hell the store didn’t provide skinny mirrors if they were gonna encourage you to put on skinny pants?
I sighed.  There was no prayer these jeans were gonna complete their journey to my hips.  It was time for them to go.
I began to yank at them with all my strength and I swear the floor shook when I finally unwedged my thigh from the jeans’ grip.  As I finally worked them below my knee, I turned them inside out and started pulling but then they got stuck on my foot.  I yanked hard, lost my balance and landed on my bloated ass on dressing room carpet that smelled exactly like pee, the jeans still clinging to my foot.
And that was it.  I’d been defeated by a pair of skinny jeans.  I could go back out there and get the 12, maybe the 14.  There’s nothing wrong with those sizes, except that my mind can’t accept them because I’m sick in the head.  
I didn’t even wanna try anything else on.  It was over.  I put it all back and went to the liquor store, where everything I try on fits like a glove.

21 comments:

  1. I highly recommend the Trader Joe's T-box. It hugs my curves like a Baldwin.

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    Replies
    1. I guess a trip to Trader Joe's is in order today!

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  2. At least you're trying. I long ago decided my signature "look" included flannel and maternity jeans.

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  3. I know exactly how you feel!!! I have been defeated by jeans many times. That's why I have so much make up- it always fits.

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  4. Ugh. Jeans shopping. It's almost mandatory to go out for drinks and chocolate afterwards. Well, also remember skinny jeans look good on anorexic high school students and maybe 5 full adults in the united states. Watch "What Not to Wear" with your feet up, accept you've joined the adult world where everything pop culture is geared to 17 year olds with babysitting money.

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    Replies
    1. Waaaaah! But, like, I don't wanna accept it! Sigh. It's either that or starve, I guess.

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  5. target has an amazing pair of skinny jeans that are basically stretchy leggings. those are my go to skinny jeans.

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    Replies
    1. Okay, THOSE I need! Add Target to errand list. Thanks, Patricia!

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  6. I have officially become my grandmother. Not only do I wear leggings almost everyday, I also hike them up. It is not a good sign when my waistband and bra meet!

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    Replies
    1. Why is it I can perfectly picture this motion of hiking up the leggings? Oh yeah. I do it too.

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  7. I used to love shopping for clothes, now I hate it. I hate having to try stuff on, I hate how in one store I can be a size 2 and the other I'm bending my body in ways that God did not intend in order to fit a size 8 over my behind...the numbers don't bother me, it's the inconsistency in size and the amount of precious time you have to spend in a dressing room. And after all the searching and trying on I still end up taking almost every pair of pants I own (jeans included) to get shortened because I'm vertically challenged! Wine and shoe shopping are way more fun!

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  8. Um, there are soooo many great lines. My faves at "muffin thigh" and "Do your job, Lycra!"

    Let's spoon.

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    Replies
    1. You know I'm up for it anytime, love!

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  9. Jeans...I think I remember wearing them at some point in my life. Maybe it's just as well motherhood has eaten my brain since I've been eating everything else!! Lol! Very funny post!

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  10. This is so timely! I finally gave up on retuning to my pre-baby wardrobe after 18 months. I just went out and bought myself 4 new pairs of jeans & a couple of new tops so that I could look human again. I wasn't happy with the size - which I'm not disclosing! - but I actually look thinner in jeans that fit than the jeans I was wearing. Between that and my DH, I got a little self esteem boost and now I don't feel so bad about my new "mom body". Still not giving up on pre-baby wardrobe, but at least feel comfortable in my skin again, which is nice. :)

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  11. Consignment stores ladies! They are the way of the future... First and foremost: (and totally not related to this post) your money goes to a local business and not evil clothes manufacturers with unethical business practices and collapsing buildings in the third world. Secondly: sizes literally do not matter in a consignment store - because of all the different brands and etc every piece is a bit of a guess. And when a size you think SHOULD fit you doesn't... you get to just tell yourself - "The previous owner must have shrunk them in the wash". yippee! I just went yesterday - got 13 pieces for $100 (!!) and bought everything from a size small (which I am NOT) to a size XL (which I also am not)

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  12. Yes, I also don't want to go back and get the size ____. There's nothing wrong with that size, just my brain doesn't want to accept it. I so feel like one of those people on "What Not to Wear" lately.

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  13. SIZE IS JUST A NUMBER, hon. ;) Anonymous up there has it right -- FIT matters. Get out there again, and dress the beautiful body you have NOW, and TRUST me, no matter what number is on the tag, you will look and feel fantabulous ;)

    I'm 33 years old, size 18 XL, and I don't even have kids to blame it on, lol.

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  14. Skinny jeans and I have long ago agreed to stay the h--l away from each other, for both our sakes. My size is high enough that no one wants to see that.
    I own one pair. It's what I wear when I'm doing things like gardening, so I don't get dirt up to my knees.

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  15. Amazing...I thought it was only me who cried because size 10 at Old Navy seemed too huge but clearly not big enough for my fat ass. Okay okay okay, I am beautiful and I have two babies and its just taking a bit longer to lose all...some...any of this baby weight and I need to stop beating myself up but I am too small for the plus sized and too big for the normal size...where does a gal go? it doesn't help that I live in Canada where there seems to be very little options at the best of times. Oh well, back to my yoga pants and baggy t-shirts.

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