This post is part of the series introducing you to my co-authors of the best-selling book "I Just Want to Pee Alone".
[Editor's note: she is also gorgeous and incredibly funny. xo. Lydia]
Wait a minute. This isn’t going to be a post about…..about…. sex is it? Actually, it’s a post on the fact that it’s time to clean my shower and marital relations under running water can be dangerous.
It was a Saturday just after lunch. Both kids were out of the house and me and the hubby were just home alone.
Yeah. Alone. Now I don’t know about you, but after the kids are in bed, one of us, is usually snoring on the couch. There’s drool involved and the dog curled up next to that person. We are just SO tired by the evening. If we don’t figure out a way for any interludes during daylight, there’s usually a long spell of no relations.
So I go upstairs to take a shower. I casually mentioned, “oh, what do you know- we’re alone and the kids aren’t home. Excuse me while I go take a shower.” Hint hint. Eventually, I’m in the midst of deep conditioning my hair when the bathroom door opens.
Me: “What took you so long stud? (in my best Mae West voice) Are you serious about this? (changing immediately to my own worried voice) One of the kids could be home any minute.” (Emma is far too aware of things that go on behind closed doors.)
Him: “It’s okay, I’ll lock the door. We’ll be quick.”
(yeah, that’s true actually.)
Me: “You sure? We kind of suck at shower sex. One of us could get hurt. Like me.”
Him: “Hey, might as well try, I’ve got to shower anyway.”
He walks into the shower and wraps his arms around my waist.
Me: “OH MY GOD YOUR HANDS ARE LIKE ICE!!! WARM THEM UP FIRST!!!”
Him: “Sorry, I’ll put them under the hot water.”
Me: "AAAAAH! THERE’S WATER IN MY EAR….. YOUR DRIBBLING WATER IN MY EAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP AGAINST THE SHOWER HEAD LIKE THAT!” (I hate water in my ears, just so you know.)
Him: "Sorry, I was just trying to warm them up.”
Me: “Here, let me suds you up ala Christian Grey style.”
Him: “Who’s Christian Grey?”
Me: “Nevermind, I’ll just wash you down like all sexy, ‘kay?”
Me: “OH SOAP! THERE’S SOAP IN MY EYE! I THINK IT’S FROM MY CONDITIONER! Wait a minute….Okay…. that’s better.”
Him:"Let me get your back.”
Me: "Yeah, here’s a loofah, I’ve got some black heads I can’t reach back there. It’d be so great if you could scrub them for me.”
Me:"Oooh, your hands are warmer…. so is the rest of you… AAAAAHHH WATER IN MY EAR AGAIN! COULD YOU MOVE SO THIS DOESN’T KEEP HAPPENING?”
Him: “Sorry, it’s kind of cold out here not under the shower. We need a two person shower one of these days.”
Me: “We need a whole new bathroom one of these days. These gold fixtures are the worst in tackiness and the grout is coming apart.”
Him: "Yeah, tell me about it.”
Some kissing and smoochy stuff ensues. Trying to be uber sexy while my hair is piled on my head in a deep conditioning mask and not slipping on the shave foam residue, is a little tricky.
Eventually I try to take things to the next level.
Me: “Uhm, maybe you should like, squat. You’re too tall. Our privates don’t match up when we stand.”
Him: “You could bend over.”
Me:“You could fly off a bridge. What’s that smell? Ew. Do you smell that? Oh yuck! It’s this mildewey shampoo bottle. Look at the bottom of it. It’s all black and it stinks.”
Him: “Could we focus on the reason we’re in here.”
Me:“What’s that sound?”
Shower sex just isn’t what it’s cracked up to be in the movies or romance novels.(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013