Thursday, May 16, 2013

Sky Rockets in Flight! Afternoon Delight!

This post is part of the series introducing you to my co-authors of the best-selling book "I Just Want to Pee Alone".

Rebecca Gallagher is a blogger, mom, wife and poop scooper, not necessarily in that order. She writes at her blog, Frugalista Blog, which isn't about couponing. She likes movies, Daniel Craig, tea and lip gloss. She can be found driving her mini van to PTA meetings and heading to Target in yoga pants and cashmere. She spends too much time on Pinterest checking beauty tips and not enough time cleaning her house. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter @FrugieBlog. And you can buy the book she co-authored called, I Just Want To Pee Alone on Amazon.

[Editor's note: she is also gorgeous and incredibly funny. xo. Lydia]
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Wait a minute. This isn’t going to be a post about…..about…. sex is it? Actually, it’s a post on the fact that it’s time to clean my shower and marital relations under running water can be dangerous.
It was a Saturday just after lunch. Both kids were out of the house and me and the hubby were just home alone. Yeah. Alone. Now I don’t know about you, but after the kids are in bed, one of us, is usually snoring on the couch. There’s drool involved and the dog curled up next to that person. We are just SO tired by the evening. If we don’t figure out a way for any interludes during daylight, there’s usually a long spell of no relations.
So I go upstairs to take a shower. I casually mentioned, “oh, what do you know- we’re alone and the kids aren’t home. Excuse me while I go take a shower.” Hint hint.  Eventually, I’m in the midst of deep conditioning my hair when the bathroom door opens.
Dialogue exchanged:
Me: “What took you so long stud? (in my best Mae West voice) Are you serious about this? (changing immediately to my own worried voice) One of the kids could be home any minute.” (Emma is far too aware of things that go on behind closed doors.)
Him: “It’s okay, I’ll lock the door. We’ll be quick.”
(yeah, that’s true actually.)
Me: “You sure? We kind of suck at shower sex. One of us could get hurt. Like me.”
Him: “Hey, might as well try, I’ve got to shower anyway.”
He walks into the shower and wraps his arms around my waist.
Me: “OH MY GOD YOUR HANDS ARE LIKE ICE!!! WARM THEM UP FIRST!!!”
Him: “Sorry, I’ll put them under the hot water.”
Me: "AAAAAH! THERE’S WATER IN MY EAR….. YOUR DRIBBLING WATER IN MY EAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP AGAINST THE SHOWER HEAD LIKE THAT!” (I hate water in my ears, just so you know.)
Him: "Sorry, I was just trying to warm them up.”
Me: “Here, let me suds you up ala Christian Grey style.”
Him: “Who’s Christian Grey?”
Me: “Nevermind, I’ll just wash you down like all sexy, ‘kay?”
Me: “OH SOAP! THERE’S SOAP IN MY EYE! I THINK IT’S FROM MY CONDITIONER! Wait a minute….Okay…. that’s better.”
Him:"Let me get your back.”
Me: "Yeah, here’s a loofah, I’ve got some black heads I can’t reach back there. It’d be so great if you could scrub them for me.”
Me:"Oooh, your hands are warmer…. so is the rest of you… AAAAAHHH WATER IN MY EAR AGAIN! COULD YOU MOVE SO THIS DOESN’T KEEP HAPPENING?”
Him: “Sorry, it’s kind of cold out here not under the shower. We need a two person shower one of these days.”
Me: “We need a whole new bathroom one of these days. These gold fixtures are the worst in tackiness and the grout is coming apart.”
Him: "Yeah, tell me about it.”
Some kissing and smoochy stuff ensues. Trying to be uber sexy while my hair is piled on my head in a deep conditioning mask and not slipping on the shave foam residue, is a little tricky.
Eventually I try to take things to the next level.
Me: “Uhm, maybe you should like, squat. You’re too tall. Our privates don’t match up when we stand.”
Him: “You could bend over.”
Me:“You could fly off a bridge. What’s that smell? Ew. Do you smell that? Oh yuck! It’s this mildewey shampoo bottle. Look at the bottom of it. It’s all black and it stinks.”
Him: “Could we focus on the reason we’re in here.”
Me:“What’s that sound?”
– “MOM, I’m home!” -
And scene.
Shower sex just isn’t what it’s cracked up to be in the movies or romance novels.
(c)Herding Turtles 2009 - 2013

27 comments:

  1. Our shower is over the bath tub, rather than a stall. Soooo much easier for shower nookie! Lot's of room (though not under the actual hot shower, unfortunately), and I can bend over for 'ease of access'. *Ahem*
    Or for the really athletic hubbies out there, he could pick you up and hold you on his hips?
    Creativity is the name of the shower nookie game...

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    1. Sweet Lord,any hubby capable of holding you up AND in the shower without killing you both is one sexy man beast! If that sort of nonesense happened in my shower we would have to implore the kids to call an ambulance. All naked and tangled up in the shower curtain.....no bueno!

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    2. totally use the edge of the bathtub for the feet, squat down, and perfect access for a too tall husband.

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  2. SO TRUE SO TRUE SO TRUE... and our shower is in a full tub, too, but shower nookie still isn't remotely like it is in a book or a movie. Ugh! I hate shower sex.

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  3. I have 2 reasons why I don't have shower sex any more. the first, is that since we bought our house we have a 1-person shower. It's a stall with no tub.
    the other reason is because last time I showered with the hubster he hit my arm while I was shaving my armpits, and my razor nicked my nipple and I began to bleed.... aaaand I was nursing at the time. Real sexy, I'm tellin' ya. lol

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    Replies
    1. Aaaaaand, you win the Internets. Sorry for your experience, but I got such a visual that I am still laughing...

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    2. That's awful, but I'm giggling so hard I'm disturbing my nursing 2 month old

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    3. I'm so sorry, but I'm also laughing so hard I'm crying.

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    4. Yep, me too... just snorted and woke the baby.

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  4. Haha, shower sex just never ends up actually being worth all the effort.

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  5. BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Water in the ear is by far a deal breaker!!

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  6. LOL! So true! Nothing like the movies! No McSteamy for us either! ;)-The Dose Girls

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  7. Holy Maude, you are a purveyor of truth. And honestly, maybe worse than in the shower is ... relations... in the bed immediately AFTER the shower. Without proper drying off. You stick together like vinyl on naugahyde. It's not pretty, it's not QUIET (nothing like thigh-on-thigh pseudofarts), and it's cold.

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    1. "Thigh-on-thigh pseudofarts" LOL!!! So true, and definitely hard to focus when you're both laughing hysterically over said noises! ;)

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  8. Love it! yea it never ends up like you think it will, then again never does romantic dinners and candle lit evenings!

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  9. When hubs and I discovered shower sex just wasn't worth it, we started using the shower as a prelude to sex. We get all nice and hot in the shower, dry off, then take it to the bedroom.

    That being said, with my husband now getting up at 4:30am, and us asleep by 9:30pm, sex is becoming harder and harder to keep up on. We're now masters of the "the kids are engrossed in a movie" quickie.

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  10. Absolutely hilarious & very true! I almost peed myself laughing so hard! What a great way to start my morning! Thanks for the abdominal work out!

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  11. I loathe water in my face - which is nearly impossible to avoid with someone hogging all the hot water. And, my children also have the uncanny ability to sense when we're trying to have a few moments together and start banging on the locked door "Mommy! What are you doing?" and "Me needa go Potty Mommy!".

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  12. Holy hilarious! Shower sex is a dangerous sport!

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  13. I think everyone needs to watch the opening (about 1-2 min) of last week's The Mindy Project http://www.hulu.com/watch/486421#i0,p20,d0 Precisely what you're all talking about and it's on TV!

    We "upgraded" to separate tub and shower when we moved. :( We never quite got the mechanics of totally sealing the deal but we used to have a lot of fun in the shower anyway when we had the tub/shower combo.

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  14. Still laughing!! As we get more practical (not going to relate this to getting older, just that we are more realistic / practical), any kind of sex-in-water is not all it's cracked up to be.

    If I weren't so worried about scarring them for life if they did "catch us," there could be some excitement in the almost got caught thing ... but it's not the same when you're worried the kids walking in on you. At all.

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  15. I love how you transition into the grout and the mold! Classic. So funny and true. Really a great piece, Frugie!!

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  16. This could have been me. Too funny. Our privates don't match up when we stand, either. Lol.

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  17. Ha, yeah, Husband is 3 inches shorter than me so shower sex is all but impossible, unless I want to fall and possible crush us both. We're lucky our kids all still take naps so we can get quickies in.

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